ShoeGirl Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Sorry this is so long, also sorry if some of it is confusing, I am so frustrated right now I can't think straight. Over the past 10 years or so I have been feeling more and more distant from my dad, this all started about the time that he got remarried and didn't tell me until a month after the fact. Up until about a year ago we still talked about once a month but rarely saw one another because he moved pretty far away from where I lived with my mom. When I went to college (2.5 years ago) I moved to a city that is 500 miles from him. He travels for his job all the time and often is in the same city that I live in. Given this he has not tried to visit me once! When I moved away he took my mom to court because he didn't think that he should pay my college expenses like their divorce papers stated. Of course he drug me into the middle, everything I did according to him was supporting my mom and not him. All I did was give both lawyers the paperwork they asked for. When all of this court stuff got really bad, and all my dad would do is yell at me about it, I decided to stop calling him like I used to. It took him 6 months to try and contact me. When he did he yelled at me about not calling, when I tried to explain why I did that he got more mad. He called me back a few days later and appologized and offered to buy plane tickets for my boyfriend and I to go look at a grad school that I had mentioned in the pervious converstion. I thought he was trying to make up for treating me like he had been, so I told him if he wanted to buy the tickets we would appriciate it but it was not necessary. So he bought the tickets, we called him and thanked him that night. With in a week he was complaining to some of our family that I was not thankful for the tickets and that I was being rude. I heard this so I bought a nice thankyou card, my boyfriend and I signed it and sent it to him. I don't know if he received it, he never mentioned it. (the trip was 2 months ago, I sent the card more than 5 months ago) Now I heard again the other day from my cousin that according to him I am being rude and inconsiderate because I am not calling him again (he hasn't tried to call me either). I am getting so frustrated over all of this. It seems that no matter what I do it is the wrong thing to do and I get yelled at by him. What am I supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGirl Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 Does anyone have any thoughts, anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice or thoughts are greatly appriciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Does anyone have any thoughts, anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice or thoughts are greatly appriciated! well i think he doest want u to see u anymore , i understand that u love ur dad very much but i think he doesn't need u anymore , or there might b times he is frustrated n may throw his frustration over u, n may b he wants u 2 b away from his life cos he is married with other female n he might b having the guilt of marrying some1 else n having cheated ur mother . I think u should go meet him personally n ask him y he is behaving so impolite way , there r chances he doesn't want u anymore in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGirl Posted October 26, 2006 Author Share Posted October 26, 2006 You really think that my dad replaced me with my step-mom? I don't think that he ever needed me, I am his daughter if anything I needed a dad. He didn't cheat as far as I know... and if he did it wasn't with her, my parents had been divorced for 3 years when he got remarried. Anyway... anyone else have any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I would simply pick up the phone and call him and say to him that you want him to understand that you value his love and appreciate all he has ever done for you, and that you don't want anything to stand between you, any feelings he may have that you are in any way ungrateful. If I were you, I would do that, because I think it's the best way, however, of course it's your decision. I hope it works out for you..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGirl Posted October 27, 2006 Author Share Posted October 27, 2006 suegail- I have tried that before... it didn't get anywhere. I tried to tell him how what he has said has hurt me and all he did was yell at me for something unrelated. Maybe I will try it again. Thanks for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 Shoegirl, maybe if you said to him that you would like to talk to him, but that you can't take the yelling, you can't tolerate that at all, and will not tolerate it, should not have to...and maybe it would be better to write it in a letter. I know that when I am ready to discuss something with someone and they begin to get unreasonable, I pretty much lose my train of thought..it's too hard. It's alot of pressure.... I'm sure you love your dad, and I think if you can express that and somehow acknowledge that there's been hurt on both sides, but enough love and understanding with which to overcome the past, I think he will be not as much on the defensive. He may feel quite guilty in many ways and he may feel you're standing ready to accuse, and he doesn't know how to deal with that..so he tends to blow up at you. I don't know of course if that is the actual fact or not, but you would have a better idea, maybe, as to his state of mind. But I would suggest this approach...I think he'll respond to that..if he doesn't, I wouldn't know what his problem is, but it could be he's just not a happy person and that the reasons for that have nothing to do with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShoeGirl Posted October 28, 2006 Author Share Posted October 28, 2006 Thanks for your advice, I have tried writing emails in the past but it seems that he just ignores it. Maybe I will try a written letter. I agree with your thought that he thinks I am going to accuse him of some things, I have in the past and he just got mad at me, several months later he apologized for what I had accused him of but he has never mentioned the fact that he blew up at me saying that he had never done such a thing. I know something needs to be done and I am pretty sure I have to make the first move. I will try and figure out the best way. Link to post Share on other sites
lighthouse Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 My dad divorced his ex 40 yeas ago and married my mom 35 years ago. He still doesn't have that great a relationship with his "first family" by their choice (they hate me and hate my mom). Maybe it could be that he expects you are angry at him for divorcing your mom and is trying to protect himself first? I don't honestly know but I know that it sucks. It sucks that my "siblings" and I don't speak. It is stupid. The day that he dies I will probably never speak to one of them again. And that is what they want. Let us know how it turns out. lighthouse Link to post Share on other sites
.thumb.JPG.a10c074c5e66dbfa3c84ea759c73ae13.JPG)
Recommended Posts