orangele Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I have posted recently that I am planning to get married and I am in the process of having a pre-nup completed. This prenup will protect my current assets, and my ability to continue to save for retirement which will NOT be community property. As I posted before this is because I am nearly 50, and my divorce 2 1/2 yrs ago left me with zero retirement or personal savings. The pre-nup is NOT designed to give me control of income outside of my retirement savings, and such income, and the assests acquired during a marriage will be community property. Now to the meat of my question. My GF is in her mid-thirties, and ran her own clothes shop, so I think she knows how to budget. If we get married however, I wonder the best way to handle our financial life. To a large extent, I gave my previous GF a credit card, and she could not control herself. She literally continually escalated her spending over months until she exceeded $8,000 in one month at which point I removed her from being an authorized user, and started giving her an allowance. Please note this spending was above and beyond living expenses, and was only for entertainment, clothes, travel, etc. I worry that if I start off our marriage allowing her full access to my financial resources, she will not be able to handle it. Let me say that I can tell you that my current GF is not afraid to spend money and enjoys fancy clothes, spas, beauty shops, travel etc. She has never had the resources to induldge herself in the past however. We have not had any discussions about how our finances will be handled once we are married. Just from my life experience after my first and only marriage, and my previous GF, I feel that once a person gets a taste of alot of income, they become accustomed, and indeed expect that such a lifestyle is due to them. Indeed at one point in my relationship with my previous GF, she actually demanded that she should be entitled to spend half my income. She was unemployed at the time, and had not worked for over 6 months. It is an experience like this, which makes me very hesitant to relinquish the financial reigns of my life. I hate to be blunt, but the fact of the matter is that the reason that we have such resources is through alot of education, alot of hard work all completed before ever meeting my current GF, and continued work on my part. I do not mean to belittle the potential contribution of my GF in a marriage, but when talking of financial contribution, I obviously will be the huge contributor to this aspect of our relationship. I think fairness is extremely important in a relationship, but when one partner makes a vastly larger or total financial contribution , then perhaps that partner should exercise more control over that aspect of the relationship. Similarly if one partner is at home taking care of household matters, I would think it would be fair that they make more of the decisions relating to the home. I certainly am no Donald Trump, but I seriously doubt that his current wife has a large say in his financial decisions. A Any thoughts on the financial relationship between marriage partners with vastly different incomes. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Stop being such a tightarse. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 An allowance for a GF ?? Controlling ??? yes Why not become your lovers equal instead of always trying to prove to her that you are better than her ? Your relationship is only going to be as good as your communication.. you need to learn how to communicate with her on a level that has nothing to do money..otherwise you will find yourself alone.. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I worry that if I start off our marriage allowing her full access to my financial resources, she will not be able to handle it. . . We have not had any discussions about how our finances will be handled once we are married. Aye Carumba!!!!!!!!!!! What and I mean what are you possibly thinking? Friend there are certain things that should be discussed in some detail and mutually agreed upon before getting married and finances is one of them. Otherwise you have this picture in your head about how things will be and your betrothed has a completely different, likely incompatible idea about what things will be like. I'd suggest some premarital reading or counseling regarding expectations after the knot is tied otherwise you are just setting yourself up for failure. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I worry that if I start off our marriage allowing her full access to my financial resources, she will not be able to handle it. I think it is you that might not be able to handle it.. you already said that she used to own her own business.. Your GF should not have to pay for your past GF's immaturity Can you handle being a partner and an equal with somone instead of being worth more or being better than they are ? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Why not ask her what her expectations are regarding how finances will be handled after your marriage? Why not talk to this woman you are marrying and find out what she thinks? You really need to agree on this before you get married. Otherwise, I'd say you're better off not getting married. There will be a lot of arguments over money and spending habits if you don't come to an understanding now, especially if her expectations are vastly different from your preferences. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I wanted to add : I agree with Craig... I think that premarital counseling might be of some service to you and to your GF...Expectations on both sides might be an issue if the playing field isn't leveled and both parties heard about what they expect from one another. With the inequalities of income and your past trust issues ( some understandable ) I think that you need to tell her your expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Wow, am I the only sane person here? You're 50, she's younger. You need your retirement because she's likely to dump you... you bet you better have an air tight pre-nup and I wouldn't have ANYTHING become community property after the marriage and if that wasn't possible don't get married. Gene Simmons - Kiss not married to Shannon Tweed... happily unmarried for 23 years. It's one thing to share what you want to with your mate. It is an entire other kettle of fish to be forced to share what you have when things go bad. Do you get a say in how she runs her business? Is it a parntership or sole proprietorship for which you would be come liable for the debts of that business if she mismanges it? Do you get half her business income, if she gets half your income? Do you get half her business if you divorce? If you pay 80% of the house payment, does she get half the appreciated value? No way is 50/50 community property fair if there is a 10 to 1 differential in incomes and/or assets. Don't be dumb. She may love you. She may be a gold digger. And you won't know until it's too late. Expectations on both sides might be an issue if the playing field isn't leveled and both parties heard about what they expect from one another.Yeah, and get a good two good lawyers - one for you, one for her to make sure the pre-nup is satsifactory for both of you. That is part of the pre-marriage discussion, agreement and expectations thing... Indeed at one point in my relationship with my previous GF, she actually demanded that she should be entitled to spend half my income. She was unemployed at the time, and had not worked for over 6 months.She what I mean about women being whores? Just because she's sleeping with you she figures she should be paid... with half your income... stick with hookers they're cheaper. Link to post Share on other sites
kjl933 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 I think LS has proven to be a place to let the world know how full of oneself one can become. Prenups are a good idea. Especially if there are kids, you are older, and it is a second marraige. End of the story. Why do we need to know that your old GF was able to spend $8000 per month which of course was over and above any living expenses? Who cares? The issue is that you have some assets. If they are a dollar or a million it does not matter. If she cannot see that, dump her. If she can, have her sign the damned thing and get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author orangele Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 As a anonymous forum, there is no one to impress, no one one to disgust, since no one knows me, and I know nothing of the other posters. As an anonymous forum one can be honest both about things with which we are proud, and those that we are not. As a forum, I am impressed with the fact that the majority of posters do have blunt, but generally constructive comments. I also sense that most also have a good heart. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 In my frank and honest opinion...screw prenups - I think you would be an utter loon to get even get *married* in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 You describe yourself as a sugar-daddy... Link to post Share on other sites
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