you don't have to change who you are...

[sparkle]

...but there are certain things you can do to seem more friendly and approachable, and less mean or reserved.

 

While maybe a little different, perhaps my situation may still help you out. I used to be very shy and had a hard time talking to people or thinking of things to say. Yet people thought I was mean or stuck up or acted "too good" to talk to them. And that wasn't the case at all. I was just too shy!

 

Well I met a guy about 5 years ago who was amazing, a great conversationalist, warm and friendly. Everytime he walked into a room, he would instantly become the center of attention. In the short time I dated him, his personality rubbed off on me and I began to lose my shyness and reserve.

 

My friend started introducing me to strangers at parties, and would leave me standing there alone with them. I was forced to carry on a conversation with them. In a group of people, he would turn the attention towards me and say something like, "Oh hey remember so and so time? Tell them about it...". And I was forced to elaborate on all kinds of topics.

 

Or he'd tell them that I wanted to know something about them like "She was asking me where you work" and the person would start talking to me as if I had asked the question. I used to hate how he'd make me talk about something, or how he'd make it seem that I was asking about something, and I'd kick him afterwards for putting me on the spot.

 

But after awhile, I kept noticing how people reacted when I'd discuss something...many would be interested to hear what I had to say...many would start asking questions in return. And when I'd be the one asking them questions about them, I noticed how every single one enjoyed talking about themselves. These people's reactions stopped it from being something I was forced to do and turned it into something I started to enjoy.

 

I didn't have to change who I was. I didn't think differently, I was still the same person on the inside. But what did change was that I let who I was on the inside shine through on the outside. The only thing that changed was the way I interacted with people.

 

And after he moved away, I found myself talking to more and more people. When I didn't know what to say, I'd instead ask them questions about themselves. They had an opportunity to talk about themselves and have someone listen, and in return, they saw me as someone interested in what they had to say, someone more friendly and approachable.

 

Even the types of questions I'd ask someone in a daily conversation started changing. I'd cut down on questions that could be answered with just a "yes" or "no" or other one-word answers. And I'd start asking more open-ended questions to get people to talk more. Stuff like "tell me about..." or "what do you think about..." etc.

 

And over the past few years, I talk to more people that I normally wouldn't ever have spoken to. And just by holding a conversation with someone, you come across as a much more friendly person. More importantly, you feel comfortable with yourself and you meet new people and learn new things.

 

The tellers at my bank, the cashiers at my grocery store, the manager at the gas station next to my house...the professor teaching my class...these people that I see on a weekly basis all year-round, I always say hello and chat for a minute whenever I run into them. I could go in there, not say a word to them, get what I need and leave. But just by having someone take a minute of their time to greet me and chat with me brightens my day, and turn my errands into pleasant trips.

 

And because they've gotten to know me, they've helped me out. When I mentioned to the manager at the grocery store that I was moving, he told me not to spend any money on boxes. The next time I went back, he had a neat pile of clean empty boxes which he helped load in my car.

 

My bank teller, when I'd forgotten my license, joked and said he knew me well enough and gave me the money anyway.

 

While some of my professors won't budge even to the teacher's pets regarding deadlines, the ones I've gotten to know have been helpful in finding me a job or making a personal effort to help me out if I'm not doing well, or listening to a problem and extending deadlines.

 

These are all just random examples, but the point is, you can be shy or reserved, like I used to be (and on many occasions, I still am). But it takes only a tiny bit of effort to make a change that will improve your existing friendships and allow you to feel comfortable enough to create new ones. It goes a long way...

 

I apologize this is so long, but it has helped me out a lot, so I hope the same for you.

[sparkle]

...in reply to the post "how do i get over this..."

 

Sorry, it should've gone under that post.

[yes]

that was some awesome advice!

 

yr situation is very very similar to mine ...

 

i 'll try to hang around those outgoing people & do my best to chat & ask open ended QNs and everything else you mentioned.

 

it's also good to know somebody's been in my shoes before

 

thanks a lot,

 

-yes

...but there are certain things you can do to seem more friendly and approachable, and less mean or reserved. While maybe a little different, perhaps my situation may still help you out. I used to be very shy and had a hard time talking to people or thinking of things to say. Yet people thought I was mean or stuck up or acted "too good" to talk to them. And that wasn't the case at all. I was just too shy! Well I met a guy about 5 years ago who was amazing, a great conversationalist, warm and friendly. Everytime he walked into a room, he would instantly become the center of attention. In the short time I dated him, his personality rubbed off on me and I began to lose my shyness and reserve. My friend started introducing me to strangers at parties, and would leave me standing there alone with them. I was forced to carry on a conversation with them. In a group of people, he would turn the attention towards me and say something like, "Oh hey remember so and so time? Tell them about it...". And I was forced to elaborate on all kinds of topics. Or he'd tell them that I wanted to know something about them like "She was asking me where you work" and the person would start talking to me as if I had asked the question. I used to hate how he'd make me talk about something, or how he'd make it seem that I was asking about something, and I'd kick him afterwards for putting me on the spot. But after awhile, I kept noticing how people reacted when I'd discuss something...many would be interested to hear what I had to say...many would start asking questions in return. And when I'd be the one asking them questions about them, I noticed how every single one enjoyed talking about themselves. These people's reactions stopped it from being something I was forced to do and turned it into something I started to enjoy. I didn't have to change who I was. I didn't think differently, I was still the same person on the inside. But what did change was that I let who I was on the inside shine through on the outside. The only thing that changed was the way I interacted with people. And after he moved away, I found myself talking to more and more people. When I didn't know what to say, I'd instead ask them questions about themselves. They had an opportunity to talk about themselves and have someone listen, and in return, they saw me as someone interested in what they had to say, someone more friendly and approachable. Even the types of questions I'd ask someone in a daily conversation started changing. I'd cut down on questions that could be answered with just a "yes" or "no" or other one-word answers. And I'd start asking more open-ended questions to get people to talk more. Stuff like "tell me about..." or "what do you think about..." etc. And over the past few years, I talk to more people that I normally wouldn't ever have spoken to. And just by holding a conversation with someone, you come across as a much more friendly person. More importantly, you feel comfortable with yourself and you meet new people and learn new things.

 

The tellers at my bank, the cashiers at my grocery store, the manager at the gas station next to my house...the professor teaching my class...these people that I see on a weekly basis all year-round, I always say hello and chat for a minute whenever I run into them. I could go in there, not say a word to them, get what I need and leave. But just by having someone take a minute of their time to greet me and chat with me brightens my day, and turn my errands into pleasant trips.

 

And because they've gotten to know me, they've helped me out. When I mentioned to the manager at the grocery store that I was moving, he told me not to spend any money on boxes. The next time I went back, he had a neat pile of clean empty boxes which he helped load in my car. My bank teller, when I'd forgotten my license, joked and said he knew me well enough and gave me the money anyway. While some of my professors won't budge even to the teacher's pets regarding deadlines, the ones I've gotten to know have been helpful in finding me a job or making a personal effort to help me out if I'm not doing well, or listening to a problem and extending deadlines. These are all just random examples, but the point is, you can be shy or reserved, like I used to be (and on many occasions, I still am). But it takes only a tiny bit of effort to make a change that will improve your existing friendships and allow you to feel comfortable enough to create new ones. It goes a long way... I apologize this is so long, but it has helped me out a lot, so I hope the same for you.

[wl]

Great Advice. I love the way you expressed how you can show who you are on the inside...by talking. I often think that I have many interesting things to say and share with others but I don't think that people would be interested in what I had to say. How will I ever know if I don't talk and share who I am with them.

that was some awesome advice! yr situation is very very similar to mine ... i 'll try to hang around those outgoing people & do my best to chat & ask open ended QNs and everything else you mentioned. it's also good to know somebody's been in my shoes before thanks a lot, -yes