Picking people up in public?

[laguy10]

Dont go to a girl and tell her you are so desperate that you'd date anyone, then ask that girl out on a date. WTF, that's totally disrespectful. I wouldnt even do that to my friends, let alone a guy who might be interested.

 

Are you really that shallow? I mean, come'on. If a guy tells you this, he's not trying to tell you that you are not worth his time....he's trying to share a part of his life with you....contrary to what your icon says, it's not always about you. Want to know why more men don't approach women? That's exactly it - women, like yourself, are always criticizing men if even one weakness comes up....and so, let me ask you a question, if you were afraid that someone would pick apart every thing you said, and validate you to see if you were "good enough" for him, would you feel entirely comfortable about approaching him? Women seem to think that men should just know everything, by default. Maybe if men were raised in a better homelife and had more instructions....but as it is, they are trying to find themselves just as much as women are, and so you're basically saying men can't be truthful about the s*it they're going through, or else they won't get a date. HAHA it's women like yourself I avoid nowadays....you pretend you've got all your s*it together, but why the hell do you need a man that makes you feel like he could have any other woman, unless you needed that validation about yourself in the first place? Men who have achieved maturity, and are the kind you're looking for, are going to avoid you, because of your neediness.

[dgiirl]

Are you really that shallow?

 

No, but are you really that thick? I think you are totally missing my point on purpose.

[laguy10]

No, but are you really that thick? I think you are totally missing my point on purpose.

 

LOL I'm not even going to touch this one....you're not worth my time

[dgiirl]

Too bad... I actually appreciated your very first post in this thread. The rest, I have a feeling, you have your own pent up baggage and just felt like dumping them on me and "my type" and didnt even care to read what I wrote. C'est la vie.

[westernxer]

If a guy tells a girl he's desperate, he'll probably never get a date with her, let alone her digits.

 

He just shot himself in the balls, as far as I'm concerned.

 

Why should a girl date someone she pities? It happens, but not as often as the desperate guy would like to think, unless she was desperate herself.

 

Any guy with common sense will never say this to a chick. I've heard guys say this type of stuff before... all it does is make me look more appealing to the chicks who stiff them.

[Lights]

I'm not asking for exclusivity. I'm not saying I must be the only girl in his phone book after we barely even talked. I'm talking about guys who go up to woman just because they want the number and not because they find anything interesting about the woman. And they'll do this repeatedly during one evening at the same place. And since someone brought up high school mentality, OMG, dude, like I dont go to clubs, k?

...

I've seen it with my own guys. A group of guys talking amongst themselves giving each other a high five after going up to a girl and getting her number. Then planning their next girl to approach. It was more of a game than any real interest. It was sad and pathetic. And I'm not interested in meeting such a person.

 

Sorry if my post sounded offensive; it was just my opinion of women who do seem to expect exclusivity in social action and somehow get ticked off if a man then subsequently approaches another woman in her presence. Of course, as you point out, immature approaches to things aren't gender-specific.

 

Anyways, my thread is getting off topic. I wanted to know how to approach people in public places where it doesnt come off as just a numbers game. When there is actually a little bit of a spark/attraction/interest and you want to break the ice.

 

Good point regarding the thread hijacking. If there is a spark/attraction/interest, it doesn't have to be a show of playing a numbers game at all. I gave a couple examples of what I've done myself. Maybe next time you're in that bookstore in the singles-heavy area of town and there's a guy constantly shifting aisles near you, pass by him and say "hey :)". Just see what happens.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Westernxr,

 

EXACTLY! That's my point. Please guys if you learn one thing from this thread: don't ever ever let the girl you are interested in know how desparate you are. I don't care if you are 30 and never had a date, don't tell her that fact. You automatically lose all appeal. By telling her that, you devalue yourself and devalue her.

[magichands]

By telling her that, you devalue yourself and devalue her.

Yes...excellent point about devaluing your intended. You've got to believe that you deserve the attention.

[dgiirl]

Sorry if my post sounded offensive; it was just my opinion of women who do seem to expect exclusivity in social action and somehow get ticked off if a man then subsequently approaches another woman in her presence. Of course, as you point out, immature approaches to things aren't gender-specific.

 

No offense taken I certainly wouldnt assume exclusivity after the first contact. In fact, that would scare me away from a potential prospect. It's just when you do approach someone or when someone approaches you, you need to make them feel valued. Like it or not, coming up and asking me for my number, and then going up to every other women in the place and asking for their numbers, doesnt exactly give me warm and fuzzy feelings.

 

Good point regarding the thread hijacking. If there is a spark/attraction/interest, it doesn't have to be a show of playing a numbers game at all. I gave a couple examples of what I've done myself. Maybe next time you're in that bookstore in the singles-heavy area of town and there's a guy constantly shifting aisles near you, pass by him and say "hey :)". Just see what happens.

 

I appreciate your post as well And I'm definitely working on that! I'm saying "hello" a lot more to the people in public, especially around my building I'm trying to be more friendly. Even if nothing comes out of it, it's still a good feeling to be friendly to people

[ilmw]

I read somewhere recently that... when you approach someone you are interest it... you should show them you value them... by words and actions... make them feel speacial.... but no Charles Manson eyes..

 

The idea of then going off to some other woman and doing the same... just takes away from any interaction you just had.... You look like a fake.. or a player... (not good) ...

 

If its a numbers game.... you a have to be a little more descrete..

 

If you truly are interested in a person... you have to show confidence... and uniqueness.. that gives the other person... a reason to be interested in you in the first place... as looks can only take you so far...

 

Been there.... gosh she was hot... but.... my ears could have bled just listening to her.... (thats going back a few years now.... )

[laguy10]

Too bad... I actually appreciated your very first post in this thread. The rest, I have a feeling, you have your own pent up baggage and just felt like dumping them on me and "my type" and didnt even care to read what I wrote. C'est la vie.

 

Actually you are mistaken. I have no pent-up baggage, as I've dealt with everything I've been through. I was trying to save you a lot of heartache, but you seem to not be interested, so I leave you to figure it all out on your own. I have no hard feelings towards you, however people who will not consider anyone else's perspective but their own, in my opinion, are a waste of time to give advice to, so that is why I said that. So, best of luck to you and this whole endeavour of yours.

[laguy10]

Westernxr,

 

EXACTLY! That's my point. Please guys if you learn one thing from this thread: don't ever ever let the girl you are interested in know how desparate you are. I don't care if you are 30 and never had a date, don't tell her that fact. You automatically lose all appeal. By telling her that, you devalue yourself and devalue her.

 

Ok, I was going to let this thread fall by the wayside (or do whatever everyone else decided to do with it), but I have to get something clear, for myself, cause some things just aren't making sense at all to me here.

 

And Dgiirl, I apologize, in advance, of "hijacking this thread" - that is not my intent in the least, but the topic is here, and so I'm trying to use it.

 

BlueEyedGirl, you're saying that a guy should never tell a woman he's interested in, if he is inexperienced with dating, because that devalues himself and the girl he tells this too....however, I see this as truth....and are not successful relationships built on truth? I'm sorry, but if I was in this case, and this is the kind of thing my girl told me, I'd leave her, right then and there. Allow me to explain why.

 

The way I see this is that if the girl is secure in who she is, she is not going to derive her evaluation of herself from the guy she dates....neither will the guy derive his evaluation of himself by the girl he dates.....to me, this is healthy - it's called not being needy for another person. Whenever you have neediness, you have selfishness and manipulation, case in point here - the guy is being truthful, and the woman rejects him, because he no longer is the alpha male who can validate herself enough so she can feel good about herself.

 

Another aspect of this, is that the woman, down the road is going to want the man to listen to her problems....and so, you're telling me that the man needs to listen to his girlfriend's issues, but as soon as he tells her some of his own, that she will basically leave him!? No wonder I'm having such a hard time finding quality people to date, if this is how the majority of females think.

 

Please, if I'm missing something here, correct me.

[alphamale]

the best time and place to meet people to date is in college. it's all down hill from there, trust me.

[laguy10]

the best time and place to meet people to date is in college. it's all down hill from there, trust me.

 

Oh yay, more good news.

[dgiirl]

And Dgiirl, I apologize, in advance, of "hijacking this thread" - that is not my intent in the least, but the topic is here, and so I'm trying to use it.

 

As long as you dont start bashing me again and calling me shallow or superficial for my answers to your questions, all is good

 

 

 

Please, if I'm missing something here, correct me.

 

You are totally missing the point we're trying to make. Take dating out of the equation all together. Say you _just_ met a new friend. If that person starts off the conversation talking about how they have zero friends, that noone likes them, puts themself totally down, and then turns around and says "Gee, since you are listening, i guess we could hang out". How would that make you feel? Would you feel that person was really interested in you, or would you feel that the person is so depressed and hung up on their own problems and as a last resort decides to be your friend? When you talk negatively about yourself in front of a person you just met, and then suggest that since they're the only one around that maybe you two could hang out, you devalue yourself and you devalue that other person.

 

What you are suggesting is equivalent to a girl telling a guy the only people who are interested in me are losers. Then if that girl rejects that guy, what is he suppose to think?

 

There's a time and place for everything. If you want to share your history, your problems, then by all means, do so. But why does this have to be in the beginning stages right when you meet someone? When you meet a new person, shouldnt your focus be on getting to know them, not what they can do for you? By engaging them in conversation about themselves, and not dumping all your problems on them, you show them respect and interest. Yes, we all need a little ego boosting from time to time. There's nothing wrong with that. I appreciate the fact that my friends LIKE being with me, like me as a person, respect and appreciate my company, instead of just someone who could be anyone just to pass the time for them.

 

 

 

Alpha, I agree that it's easier to meet ppl in college. I wish I could turn back the clocks But what can I do now? Roll over and die? lol

[alphamale]

Alpha, I agree that it's easier to meet ppl in college. I wish I could turn back the clocks But what can I do now? Roll over and die? lol

think of it as looking for a new job...use every means necessary no matter how remote or stupid. eventually you'll hit the jackpot! yay!

[BlueEyedGirl]

Laguy,

 

If a girl told you this: Gee, I'm so fat and ugly. I haven't had a date in years. No men even looks at me. I'm just so desparate for a boyfriend. You know, ANYONE will do. I would even go for the biggest losers and ugliest men there are, I have no standards. My only requirement is that he is male (said in a completly dead serious tone). So....would you like to go out?

[BentSpine]

If a girl told you this, this is how to interpret her:

 

Gee, I'm so fat and ugly.

Please, tell me I am not fat and ugly.

 

I haven't had a date in years.

I have been in a coma.

 

No men even looks at me.

I work with blind people.

 

I'm just so desparate for a boyfriend.

Getting the 11th cat didn't cut it anymore.

 

You know, ANYONE will do.

I have started responding to personal ads. So far I am at the letter G in the phone book.

 

I would even go for the biggest losers and ugliest men there are,

I like tall statured men who are a good sport and I know how to flick the light switch.

 

I have no standards.

But I do have a flag in my bag.

 

My only requirement is that he is male (said in a completly dead serious tone).

Him being alive on the other hand, is not.

 

So....would you like to go out?

Please come in, my living room has no roof.

[DanielMadr]

No guys, you cant show weakness. Being man is tough. Thats why women appreciate it. If you cant stop whinning, its only your fault - not theirs. The same goes to women - if you are fat, hairy, dont take care of yourselves and you act like nasty dog you wont get lots of dates. End of story.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Thank you Daniel

[laguy10]

As long as you dont start bashing me again and calling me shallow or superficial for my answers to your questions, all is good

 

I never meant to do that, sorry if it came across that way....I suppose I do get a little heated at times; I shall work on it.

 

You are totally missing the point we're trying to make. Take dating out of the equation all together. Say you _just_ met a new friend. If that person starts off the conversation talking about how they have zero friends, that noone likes them, puts themself totally down, and then turns around and says "Gee, since you are listening, i guess we could hang out". How would that make you feel? Would you feel that person was really interested in you, or would you feel that the person is so depressed and hung up on their own problems and as a last resort decides to be your friend? When you talk negatively about yourself in front of a person you just met, and then suggest that since they're the only one around that maybe you two could hang out, you devalue yourself and you devalue that other person.

 

What you are suggesting is equivalent to a girl telling a guy the only people who are interested in me are losers. Then if that girl rejects that guy, what is he suppose to think?

 

There's a time and place for everything. If you want to share your history, your problems, then by all means, do so. But why does this have to be in the beginning stages right when you meet someone? When you meet a new person, shouldnt your focus be on getting to know them, not what they can do for you? By engaging them in conversation about themselves, and not dumping all your problems on them, you show them respect and interest. Yes, we all need a little ego boosting from time to time. There's nothing wrong with that. I appreciate the fact that my friends LIKE being with me, like me as a person, respect and appreciate my company, instead of just someone who could be anyone just to pass the time for them.

 

Ok, in this, I would agree with you; I guess I was failing to undersand, because, I agree, that you should not tell someone you first met, all your problems, that your emphasis should be upon getting to know the person....and what is more, is how would you know you can even trust the person to tell them your problems if you had just met them. For some reason, I thought we were discussing relationships that were already in "swing". Taking these things into account, I will admit it is not a case of validaton.

[laguy10]

Laguy,

 

If a girl told you this: Gee, I'm so fat and ugly. I haven't had a date in years. No men even looks at me. I'm just so desparate for a boyfriend. You know, ANYONE will do. I would even go for the biggest losers and ugliest men there are, I have no standards. My only requirement is that he is male (said in a completly dead serious tone). So....would you like to go out?

 

Are you asking me out, BlueEyedGirl? J/K Ok, I see your point...I have to admit this would not be attractive.....but I still think there is something to be said for being honest; assuming that said woman did not say this to said man (or visa versa) at first, but then this came up later, I would say that that is part of who that person is, and should be able to come up without the other person feeling threatned by their honesty....that's all I am trying to say. But, as I already stated to dgiirl, I see your guys' point, in that you're speaking of an encounter that happens fairly early on, whereas, I'm talking more about if you know someone as a friend already or if you have been in a relationship for a while, and this sort of a thing were to come up.

[laguy10]

No guys, you cant show weakness. Being man is tough. Thats why women appreciate it. If you cant stop whinning, its only your fault - not theirs. The same goes to women - if you are fat, hairy, dont take care of yourselves and you act like nasty dog you wont get lots of dates. End of story.

 

I don't know if I completely agree....I mean, ok, granted, by nature men are more the protectors, the guardians if you will, and so should be strong...I'm not disputing that. However, if you're saying that men should never show weakness, I think it's impossible....and what is more, who would want to be in a relationship where you're fake....but, ok, maybe I'm taking this the wrong way again....are you speaking of when you are first meeting someone, or are you speaking about in a relationship at all?

[dgiirl]

I never meant to do that, sorry if it came across that way....I suppose I do get a little heated at times; I shall work on it.

 

Dont we all?

 

 

Ok, in this, I would agree with you; I guess I was failing to undersand, because, I agree, that you should not tell someone you first met, all your problems, that your emphasis should be upon getting to know the person....and what is more, is how would you know you can even trust the person to tell them your problems if you had just met them. For some reason, I thought we were discussing relationships that were already in "swing". Taking these things into account, I will admit it is not a case of validaton.

 

I can see why you feel as strongly as you did if we were talking about relationships. But I was under the impression we were talking about asking girls on dates. The only thing we might start butting heads on again is when talking about your current relationship problems with friends. If you are interested in someone, and want to ask them out on a date, even if you've known that person for sometime as a friend, I dont think it's wise to tell her all your relationship problems. If you are friends, and you plan on remaining friends, then of course talk about it. But if you are hoping to become more than friends, then telling her how desperate you are for a date, and then asking her out, doesnt really put you in a good light, nor does it make her feel very good about you asking her out. But this really depends on how you word it. Noone likes to be around negative people. Sure, we all have bad days, and we all need to express ourselves once in a while, and it's nice to have a friend to listen to us. But if _all_ we talk about is how ****ty our life is, how lonely we are, and how pathetic our love life is, people are going to get annoyed.

 

I just went through a divorce. I had a lot of anger and issues to work through. At first, I talked a lot about my feelings with family and friends. But there came a point where they started to get annoyed and frustrated with me. They dont want to see me upset and feeling badly, and I respect their feelings too. So I try and not talk too much about my divorce. A lot of things I have to work out on my own anyways. I've realized that most of the time when I need someone to talk to is because I'm looking for some kind of sympathy or validation. And I need to learn to depend on myself more than others for that type of validation. I need to be able to console myself, because I think when I learn to be able to do that, I wont depend so much on others and my self esteem wont be dependent on others. Also, I dont want to burden my family with constant negativity. Negativity breeds negativity.

 

So I agree with part of what you are saying. If you want a close bonded relationship with someone, it's important to discuss your feelings, fears and desires. But at the same time, there needs to be a balance. And there's a place and time for everything.

 

btw, if that's you in your avatar, you are pretty cute. I'm not sure why you have such bad luck with the ladies. My guess is it's more of a personality clash then anything physical.

[laguy10]

Dont we all?

 

 

 

 

I can see why you feel as strongly as you did if we were talking about relationships. But I was under the impression we were talking about asking girls on dates. The only thing we might start butting heads on again is when talking about your current relationship problems with friends. If you are interested in someone, and want to ask them out on a date, even if you've known that person for sometime as a friend, I dont think it's wise to tell her all your relationship problems. If you are friends, and you plan on remaining friends, then of course talk about it. But if you are hoping to become more than friends, then telling her how desperate you are for a date, and then asking her out, doesnt really put you in a good light, nor does it make her feel very good about you asking her out. But this really depends on how you word it. Noone likes to be around negative people. Sure, we all have bad days, and we all need to express ourselves once in a while, and it's nice to have a friend to listen to us. But if _all_ we talk about is how ****ty our life is, how lonely we are, and how pathetic our love life is, people are going to get annoyed.

 

Thanks, you are very understanding. I would completely agree with you here - I get annoyed when someone tells me their problems and doesn't want to try to work on them....I'm happy to help, but if I feel like all they're doing is complaining, just to get sympathy, it annoys me, so I can totally understand your position, and agree with it. I guess we just had a lack of communication here.

 

I just went through a divorce. I had a lot of anger and issues to work through. At first, I talked a lot about my feelings with family and friends. But there came a point where they started to get annoyed and frustrated with me. They dont want to see me upset and feeling badly, and I respect their feelings too. So I try and not talk too much about my divorce. A lot of things I have to work out on my own anyways. I've realized that most of the time when I need someone to talk to is because I'm looking for some kind of sympathy or validation. And I need to learn to depend on myself more than others for that type of validation. I need to be able to console myself, because I think when I learn to be able to do that, I wont depend so much on others and my self esteem wont be dependent on others. Also, I dont want to burden my family with constant negativity. Negativity breeds negativity.

 

First of all, my sympathies that your marriage did not work out as you had hoped. I think we agree on your point here, which I stated above in my previous comment in this same post. I would agree totally with you here, on everything you're saying.

 

btw, if that's you in your avatar, you are pretty cute. I'm not sure why you have such bad luck with the ladies. My guess is it's more of a personality clash then anything physical.

 

Thanks, that is me I think it is due to how I perceive things; being out of the loop for so long (read my post in the other thread you've been replying to), maybe I just don't have the same perspective as others....in some ways, maybe that's good, it makes me unique; in other ways, maybe it's not so good, because it is hard to understand where people are coming from sometimes.