Looking for advice

[bluefly]

I have been in a relationship for over 4-1/2 years and we just got married in February. I've always had little things about him that bother me, but figured it was probably normal. Well latley I just seem to notice every little thing he does "wrong". He's a really nice guy and I feel bad about this sometimes. My life needs a lot of improvement - so I'm thinking maybe if I concentrate on myself, I won't be so bothered by the things he does. If you are wondering what these "things" are...well for starters he spends all day working on the computer and all evening downloading music and reading internet articles. He doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like, etc. Those are just a couple of thing to give you an idea. In addition to the things I need to improve in my life, I also have a lot of stress...which could be why I'm taking it out on him. So, I guess I'm wondering if all of these things that bother me are normal to relationships or if it looks like a problem. Hope this makes sense...any advice would be appreciated. Thanks:)

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "If you are wondering what these "things" are...well for starters he spends all day working on the computer and all evening downloading music and reading internet articles. He doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like, etc."

 

Does he use the computer for work to produce income for the two of you? If he does, why do you have a problem with that?

 

If he is just enjoying the computer during the day and dowloading music and reading Internet articles all evening and you have discussed this with him in vivid detail and told him how you would like more of his time, I suggest you get your marriage annulled.

 

In relationships, it is extremely important to communicate your needs. It is also extremely important that relationships are nurtured with time and attention lest they die on the vine. Your new hubby spends an inordinate amount of time at the computer and this will not be good for your marriage.

 

If at this early point in your marriage he doesn't want to spend more time with you, just think what it might be like in five or ten years. The stress you face is irrelevant to his inattention. The two of you should be spending some time finding ways to lower your stress level. Marriage is all about two people working together to make each other's stay on the planet much better.

 

So exactly what were you doing when you were supposed to be paying attention to things like this...or was he different before you got married?

[BeenThere]

4 1/2 years is a l-o-n-g time to be with someone. I think most of us would assume you would really *know* a person in that amount of time. The truth is, until you LIVE with someone...you really don't know them completely at all!

 

Did the two of you try this first before getting married? Was he like this the whole time you were together?

I have been in a relationship for over 4-1/2 years and we just got married in February. I've always had little things about him that bother me, but figured it was probably normal. Well latley I just seem to notice every little thing he does "wrong". He's a really nice guy and I feel bad about this sometimes. My life needs a lot of improvement - so I'm thinking maybe if I concentrate on myself, I won't be so bothered by the things he does. If you are wondering what these "things" are...well for starters he spends all day working on the computer and all evening downloading music and reading internet articles. He doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like, etc. Those are just a couple of thing to give you an idea. In addition to the things I need to improve in my life, I also have a lot of stress...which could be why I'm taking it out on him. So, I guess I'm wondering if all of these things that bother me are normal to relationships or if it looks like a problem. Hope this makes sense...any advice would be appreciated. Thanks:)

[velvet]

You have to tell him exactly how you feel. If you need help around the house. What ever goes through your mind at the time, bring it up to him rather than keeping it to yourself. If there is a dirty dish in the sink and you havent gotton to it becuase your busy, he should dispose of the dish properly. Thats just common sense to recognize these things and do something about it. Or is he the type that does not do anything around the house because he thinks its the womens duty. If thats the case and you dont work, than it should be your responsiblity. But a real man, would do his part to help.

 

Now when you do menion anything to him, dont come across mean or rude but just come out and say it. Tell him after he uses the bathroom sink he needs to wash it out and not leave anything in it.

 

Your going to have to train him, and you can do it without being rude or blaming. If you both work, theres no reason he shouldnt have to prepare dinner sometimes. Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 and he is not doing his part by having fun on the internet. Next time hes having fun, and you see the need for things to get done around the house, walk in on him and ask him why he is playing on the net when there are obvious things that need to be done.

 

Dont ask him to help you, its his house too and he has to be more responsible. This isnt a quality he has, but you can work at with him. He shouldnt reject what you ask from him, other wise do like Tony said and say the heck with it.

 

I have been in a relationship for over 4-1/2 years and we just got married in February. I've always had little things about him that bother me, but figured it was probably normal. Well latley I just seem to notice every little thing he does "wrong". He's a really nice guy and I feel bad about this sometimes. My life needs a lot of improvement - so I'm thinking maybe if I concentrate on myself, I won't be so bothered by the things he does. If you are wondering what these "things" are...well for starters he spends all day working on the computer and all evening downloading music and reading internet articles. He doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like, etc. Those are just a couple of thing to give you an idea. In addition to the things I need to improve in my life, I also have a lot of stress...which could be why I'm taking it out on him. So, I guess I'm wondering if all of these things that bother me are normal to relationships or if it looks like a problem. Hope this makes sense...any advice would be appreciated. Thanks:)