It was my misfortune that I fell in love with an abuser.

[Guest]

Last night I watched a very good movie called The Notebook. In case you haven't seen it, it is about the passionate love between a couple until they die. It is supposed to be a 3 hanky movie, but the film didn't make me cry. It was only afterward, when I started to remember the last time i was in love, that I began to sob. I have been divorced from my first husband for 13 years, and still have been angry with him because he was a terribly abusive son of a bitch. And I took it for 15 years because I kept thinking, if I just love him a little more, if I just give a little more... Well, I put myself into a pretzel for him and things only got worse. When he hit my son in the face leaving repeated handprints and a swollen face, that was my key to exit.

 

But the thing is, I LOVED him. And all this time I have been hiding my heart in concrete to protect it from being hurt again. Which meant that I wasn't in love with my second husband, who was a very nice man. I loved him, but wasn't IN LOVE with him, if you understand the difference. So, poor man, he got the dregs of my love. No wonder he stopped loving me at some point.

 

But I have been trying to write a love story in my book and have been having great difficulty. So I assigned myself the homework of watching love stories on DVD. I had no idea that what might have been blocking my ability to accesss feelings of falling in love (which I must have in order for the reader to feel it too) was my feelings for my first abusive husband. So I sobbed after the movie. I felt the feelings of loving him, despite what he did to me. And it was very, very painful. It makes me wonder if my depression has been keyed to that all these years. I hope maybe I'll be able to get off of my depression meds as I open up to that very old unhealed wound.

 

It was my misfortune that I fell in love with an abuser. And I haven't since wanted to admit that I fell in love with an abuser. But I did. And I loved him fiercely. It hasn't done me any favors to deny those feelings. I haven't been able to open up and truly love somebody since then.

 

I don't know where this is going. I just know that it is a good thing, and the breaking of the case around my heart needs to continue--in order that I may love again, that I may feel deeply again, that I may write with passion again, that maybe I'll be healed of my depression at least to some extent. And maybe it will help me take responsibility for my life and it's outcome. I was a passive doormat in my first marriage: An observer of events, but not an active part of choices in my life. Now I'm running out of money and need to realize that I am not loved, was loved by him in his own way, but at the same time abused... I need to take the reins of my life and take responsibility for the outcome, not just watch myself slide into poverty.

 

This has all been very painful, but as I've said, it's not over yet. I'm just beginning to crack open my heart.

 

How this ties into John I don't know. Maybe it is because I was starting to have feelings for him that triggered all this. I still will be his friend. But I'm asking for some support from him, too, in this thing that I am experiencing now. I don't know that he'll be able to give it or not. He has a lot on his plate. But I am asking, one friend to another.

 

I was madly in love with my abuser, and that is my experience of falling in love.

[Walk]

You're a writer?!?

 

Sounds as if you're on the right track right now. Have you thought about maybe talking to a counselor? Or a pastor/priest? I'm really very unreligious, but a friend of mine hooked me up with a pastor at a local church. It was incredibly helpful. Just to be able to talk to an unbiased outsider without fear that someone would tattle my innermost feelings to the world. Just a thought..

 

What genre do you write? I'm short story and mystery. There's a bunch of writers on her. (go figure, a site where you explore the inner workings of people would have writers lurking around. ha!)

 

You should register and post more about your recovery. I think it'd help a lot of other people who are coming out of, or currently in an abusive relationship.

 

Good luck with the book!

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry it took you this long to figure out how badly you were treated. Revisiting the past is a painful experience. But it is necessary sometimes in order to brighten up the future.

 

I don't know how much John will be able to help you through this, other than lending an ear and a shoulder. I agree with walk that you should seek outside counseling.

 

Yeah, suppressing feelings can definitely lead to depression. You need to purge them out. Once you do, you'll make room inside for better things.

 

Good luck to you.

[Guest]

Last night I watched a very good movie called The Notebook. In case you haven't seen it, it is about the passionate love between a couple until they die. It is supposed to be a 3 hanky movie, but the film didn't make me cry. It was only afterward, when I started to remember the last time i was in love, that I began to sob. I have been divorced from my first husband for 13 years, and still have been angry with him because he was a terribly abusive son of a bitch. And I took it for 15 years because I kept thinking, if I just love him a little more, if I just give a little more... Well, I put myself into a pretzel for him and things only got worse. When he hit my son in the face leaving repeated handprints and a swollen face, that was my key to exit.

 

But the thing is, I LOVED him. And all this time I have been hiding my heart in concrete to protect it from being hurt again. Which meant that I wasn't in love with my second husband, who was a very nice man. I loved him, but wasn't IN LOVE with him, if you understand the difference. So, poor man, he got the dregs of my love. No wonder he stopped loving me at some point.

 

But I have been trying to write a love story in my book and have been having great difficulty. So I assigned myself the homework of watching love stories on DVD. I had no idea that what might have been blocking my ability to accesss feelings of falling in love (which I must have in order for the reader to feel it too) was my feelings for my first abusive husband. So I sobbed after the movie. I felt the feelings of loving him, despite what he did to me. And it was very, very painful. It makes me wonder if my depression has been keyed to that all these years. I hope maybe I'll be able to get off of my depression meds as I open up to that very old unhealed wound.

 

It was my misfortune that I fell in love with an abuser. And I haven't since wanted to admit that I fell in love with an abuser. But I did. And I loved him fiercely. It hasn't done me any favors to deny those feelings. I haven't been able to open up and truly love somebody since then.

 

I don't know where this is going. I just know that it is a good thing, and the breaking of the case around my heart needs to continue--in order that I may love again, that I may feel deeply again, that I may write with passion again, that maybe I'll be healed of my depression at least to some extent. And maybe it will help me take responsibility for my life and it's outcome. I was a passive doormat in my first marriage: An observer of events, but not an active part of choices in my life. Now I'm running out of money and need to realize that I am not loved, was loved by him in his own way, but at the same time abused... I need to take the reins of my life and take responsibility for the outcome, not just watch myself slide into poverty.

 

This has all been very painful, but as I've said, it's not over yet. I'm just beginning to crack open my heart.

 

How this ties into John I don't know. Maybe it is because I was starting to have feelings for him that triggered all this. I still will be his friend. But I'm asking for some support from him, too, in this thing that I am experiencing now. I don't know that he'll be able to give it or not. He has a lot on his plate. But I am asking, one friend to another.

 

I was madly in love with my abuser, and that is my experience of falling in love.

 

U HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT! U FELL IN LOVE, HE ABUSED U, U ASSOCIATED LOVE WITH ABUSE, BUT YOU KNEW DEEP DOWN THAT U CAN'T REALLY LOVE AGAIN UNTIL U RECOGNIZE TRUE LOVE, YOU FOUND IT, BUT COULDN'T TAKE IT IN BECAUSE YOU HAD A CASE AROUND YOUR HEART FROM THE ABUSER,

 

SO IN ORDER TO GO BACK TO THE ABUSER [WHICH IS WHERE U NEED TO FIND RESOLUTION] YOU DOWNLOADED YOUR ANGER FROM THE ABUSER ON THE GUY THAT SHOWED YOU REAL LOVE BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE IS NOT JUST LOVE BUT A FRIEND AND SOMETIMES FRIENDS ARE STRONGER THAN JUST LOVERS BUT TOGETHER THEY ARE MIGHTY,

 

SO, YOU DOWNLOADED, HE TOOK IT, YOU WENT TO THE ABUSER, FEELING A LITTLE CONFUSED AFTER ALL THAT AND KINDA DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAD TO GO THRU BECAUSE PART OF WHAT A VICTIM OF ABUSE FEELS IS THEY WANT TO 'GIVE THE ASS' ANOTHER TRY, GIVE THEM MORE LOVE, IN THE HOPE THEY CHANGE ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS THE FATHER, AND PART IS BECAUSE U WANT TO BELIEVE THAT U ARE CAPABLE OF THE KINDA OF LOVE THAT GUY U DOWNLOADED ON HAS,

 

BECAUSE IT HURTS THAT U CAN GIVE EVERYTHING AND THEY DON'T CAN AND THE MORE U GIVE THE ABUSER THE MORE THEY ABUSE U [sORT OF LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE COPS AND PRESSIE - THAT WAY U SEE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN - HELPS YOU HEAL AND ENABLES YOU TO WALK AWAY - AT SOME POINT FROM THE ABUSER -

 

BE PROUD THAT U WALKED, PROUD THAT U HAVE THAT GREAT LOVE [bECAUSE U FELT IT WITH DOWNLOAD BOI] AND THEN U CAN DECIDE TO FINALLY LIVE A LIFE AS U WANT TO - KNOWING THAT DOWNLOAD BOIU IS KEWL WITH THAT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SOULMATES DO - WINK