Was a promise ring the right thing?

[Guest]

My GF and I have been dating for about 2 1/2 years. We both have kids from a previous marriage. She has talked for the last year or so about marriage. I have pushed those idea to the side whenever she would bring them up. The last year has been rough for us. I have been a jerk and was pushing her away, afraid of commitment. I kept telling her I didn't want to think about marriage until the kids were grown up. I never really got to know her kids and never tried to make it work between us. I just thought it would be too difficult to intermingle families. The problem is, I never really tried.

 

The last few months were very difficult. She retracted from me and over the last few weeks she expressed an interest to date other people. I did some soul-searching and saw myself and her in a whole new light. I love her more than anything and I don't want to let her go. I know she is the one for me. I know that I have not given her kids a chance or us as a family a chance.

 

I want to commit to this relationship 100%. I want to try and make it work with all of us together. I love her so much, I owe us that. I wrote her a long letter, apologzing for not getting to know her kids better and everything and promised to commit to our relationship 100%. I really want to make this work. In order to convince her I was serious, I bought her a "promise ring" which was very expensive diamond ring. She accepted it, was extremely happy, and we both committed to making this relationship work because of the deep love for each other.

 

Well, I've told some people here at work and a few of them scoffed at the idea of a promise ring. They thought it sounded high-school. I guess I see the ring as the strong love I have for her and the commitment I made to make this relationship work. We aren't ready yet for an engagment ring. So, my question is, was this an immature gesture? Should I have given her and engagement ring instead?

[bab]

I'm generally not a big promise ring fan, but if you are not ready for an engagement, you should NOT give an engagement ring. If the two of you are happy with the arrangement, just ignore your coworkers.

[ely]

I would say that you should give her the engagement ring, you say you love her and want to give it 100%, then start showing it. You can engage and it does not mean you have to get married tomorrow, it means you are commited and in the future when you are both ready then you can both agree on a date.

[ely]

actions speak louder than words...

[adnCat]

Do you mean that at this point in your relationship, you are not ready to be engaged, or do you mean you weren't ready for an engagement ring because of money?

 

What does the promise ring mean to you and to her? If you are both okay with where things are, the ring she has is fine for now.

 

I do think it is a little high-school to have a 'promise' ring. But to have a nice piece of jewelry that a loved one gives as a token of affection and commitment? That's fine. Maybe you can just quit calling it a promise ring. Giving your gf any type of jewelry is a nice gesture.

 

I'm personally not a fan of promise rings because it just seems like another silly way for the diamond industry to suck up your hard earned cash. Maybe when you are ready for an engagment ring, the store will let you trade the promise ring up.

[norajane]

If you and she are happy and content with the arrangement, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

 

Any ring is just a symbol. An engagement ring is a symbol of the engagement - an engagement is a promise to be married. A "promise ring" is a symbol of a promise to promise to be married? I dunno. Sounds silly to me. But so what if it sounds silly to me? It doesn't change your relationship at all. Again, it's just a symbol.

 

Just make sure you both understand what the ring is symbolizing for each of you. The fact is, if you were committed to marrying, you would have asked her and you'd be engaged. So you are somewhere short of wanting to get married.

 

Make sure she understands that what you are promising is to integrate her and her kids into your life, to get to know each other better, and to use your time together now to determine whether you want to be married at some point in the future, that you want to make it work, but you aren't sure it will. Because you are clearly undecided that you truly want to marry her and may ultimately decide you do not.

 

I'm afraid that she thinks of the promise ring as engagement ring lite. Like, you're sure you want to get married, but you just need more time to come around to the idea. I'm afraid she doesn't understand that you still aren't sure you want to get married.