How do I handle this?

[Diana]

HI.... I am a 31 y/o married woman with 4 kids. I

 

have been having an affair with the same guy for

 

over 1 1/2 years now. And now I am pregnant. We were

 

having protected sex until his test results came

 

back negative so from there on out we have been

 

having unprotected sex. Reason being I had my tubes

 

tied after my last baby 3 years ago And now I am

 

pregnant. I truly believe it is Dannys because my

 

husband I barely have sex. Danny is single and has

 

mentioned that he would love to have kids one

 

day. But our relationship is based mostly on sex

 

(lack of from home here) We have never really

 

discussed future plans together. I just don't know

 

what to do.

 

When the baby arrives it will be way more than

 

obvious on who's baby it is. Hubby is fair

 

skinned,blonde and blue eyes and Danny is (spanish)

 

dark skin, brown eyes and hair.

 

Do I tell him that I am pregnant? What do I tell

 

my hubby? How do I tell either or both of them? I

 

never ever thought this could happen. Please help

 

with some advice. I am so so so confused.

[Totally Confused]

Looks like you've made your bed and now it's time to lie in it. Why are you cheating on your husband? whether he's emotionally unattentive or a jerk or whatever, the fact is you're married. You made a committment. You have 4 children. How can you do this to them? You're cheating on your entire family. If you are that unhappy with your husband, than you need couples counceling, a seperation or a divorce. Don't use, " It's hard to get outwith 4 children" excuse, because you could always seperate from your husband, if you're that unhappy. If you're so concerned about your children, then why are you cheating on their father? You had 4 children with that man, there was something there. It's about time something happened, because I suggest you stop acting so selfish and for once think of the people around you. Your husband deserves to find out. Your being incredibly deceitful. Your looking for help from people, to give you advice on a pregnancy issue. You should also ask for help on how to let your family know your an adultress. It doesn't even seem to bother you that you are. Why don't you tell your husband, so he can decide what he wants to do, and then divorce you, if that's what he decides. Maybe then he can find a woman who wants to love and take care of him, not play around on him. The only advice I can give you, is to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

[Cici]

Ok. First off, don't listen to Totally confused. That criticism was harsh and unnecessary. We are not here to judge others. We are here to be and objective audience and give sound advice.

 

Secondly, you recognize that you made a mistake. That's good, on your part. Unfortunately, there's no way you can go back and erase what you've done, and now there are consequences to deal with.

 

Don't ask yourself "why did I do this," you already know. You need to deal with the immediate problem. It is possible that the baby is your husband's...even though you don't have sex often, it only takes once. You need to tell both parties, though. I expect that your husband will feel very hurt and betrayed. It is your responsibility to be an adult and not become defensive when he criticizes you. He is reacting to a very serious emotional trauma.

 

You then have a few options. You can leave your husband (if you plan to do this, it mght be better not to tell him you're pregnant with another man's child...he doesn't need the added stress). You can tell him and you want to work things out, if you want to stay with him, and hope he will agree. Or, you can tell him and accept whatever judgement he makes.

 

You need to get the baby genetically tested as soon as possible. You must decide what you want. A distant husband does not justify infidelity, it justifies counseling. I'm not going to be self-righteous, I have been unfaithful to my partner before, but I used protection and I got a guilty conscience, so I stopped and never told him. Now we are perfectly happy together and I carry the burden of guilt on my own.

 

HI.... I am a 31 y/o married woman with 4 kids. I have been having an affair with the same guy for over 1 1/2 years now. And now I am pregnant. We were having protected sex until his test results came back negative so from there on out we have been having unprotected sex. Reason being I had my tubes tied after my last baby 3 years ago And now I am pregnant. I truly believe it is Dannys because my husband I barely have sex. Danny is single and has mentioned that he would love to have kids one day. But our relationship is based mostly on sex (lack of from home here) We have never really

 

discussed future plans together. I just don't know what to do. When the baby arrives it will be way more than obvious on who's baby it is. Hubby is fair

 

skinned,blonde and blue eyes and Danny is (spanish) dark skin, brown eyes and hair. Do I tell him that I am pregnant? What do I tell my hubby? How do I tell either or both of them? I never ever thought this could happen. Please help with some advice. I am so so so confused.

[Totally Confused]

Cici,

 

I'm sorry you took my opinion as harsh, but like you said, we are not here to judge others. My posting wasn't a judgment but merely my opinion, which is what this site is about. Whether it be harsh or not, I am not one to candy coat a situation and I'm not going to lie. Maybe she needs someone to be truthful with her, so she can see what she's doing and why she got into this mess in the first place. I also do not look at getting pregnant as a mistake. I look at it as a serious situation, especially when out of wedlock and 4 little innocent children are also involved in this mess. Diana had asked for advice and she got it. Whether she choses to take it or ignore it, she asked for advice, and I gave what I felt to be true. You give the advice you feel is best and I will give the advice I feel is best. Sometimes people need to hear the truth in order to find out where the real problem stems from instead of pushing it under a carpet, but again, that's my opinion.

[Guy]

Maybe your husband is a jerk, or doesn't give you enough attention, whatever. This isn't a slight straying from the path type of a situation you're in. You've been cheating for 1 1/2 years and now it blew up in your face. If it doesn't strike you as being wrong and selfish for having that long of an extra-marital reliationship without eventually coming clean on your own then what advice do you want? I didn't get the impression from your post that you are regretful of the affair or what it's going to do to your family at all, only that you're worried about having to deal with it yourself. Well there's no easy way out here so my only advice is get ready to face the music.

Looks like you've made your bed and now it's time to lie in it. Why are you cheating on your husband? whether he's emotionally unattentive or a jerk or whatever, the fact is you're married. You made a committment. You have 4 children. How can you do this to them? You're cheating on your entire family. If you are that unhappy with your husband, than you need couples counceling, a seperation or a divorce. Don't use, " It's hard to get outwith 4 children" excuse, because you could always seperate from your husband, if you're that unhappy. If you're so concerned about your children, then why are you cheating on their father? You had 4 children with that man, there was something there. It's about time something happened, because I suggest you stop acting so selfish and for once think of the people around you. Your husband deserves to find out. Your being incredibly deceitful. Your looking for help from people, to give you advice on a pregnancy issue. You should also ask for help on how to let your family know your an adultress. It doesn't even seem to bother you that you are. Why don't you tell your husband, so he can decide what he wants to do, and then divorce you, if that's what he decides. Maybe then he can find a woman who wants to love and take care of him, not play around on him. The only advice I can give you, is to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

[Diana]

 

Thanks for the advice from all...Yes I am

 

regretful. Not because I am worried about me

 

but of what I have done to all involved here.

 

Why I did it and for so long? The why is

 

nobody's fault but my own. I fell head over

 

heels for someone who paid me some attention. I guess it was an escape. I wasn't mommy or wife. I was being looked at as me. And yes I guess

 

you can call that selfish and I am sorry.

 

And IT IS hard to leave with 4 kids it is

 

noway an excuse. I do care for my husband still but I truly am not IN love with him anymore.

 

and as for Danny is concerned him too I care

 

about but in a very different way. I know I

 

have to face the music here. The reason I

 

posted this was to get feeback on How to do

 

this. I know there is no easy way but it has

 

got to be done. HOw? that I just haven't

 

figured out yet. But once again thanks!

 

HI.... I am a 31 y/o married woman with 4 kids. I have been having an affair with the same guy for over 1 1/2 years now. And now I am pregnant. We were having protected sex until his test results came back negative so from there on out we have been having unprotected sex. Reason being I had my tubes tied after my last baby 3 years ago And now I am pregnant. I truly believe it is Dannys because my husband I barely have sex. Danny is single and has mentioned that he would love to have kids one day. But our relationship is based mostly on sex (lack of from home here) We have never really

 

discussed future plans together. I just don't know what to do. When the baby arrives it will be way more than obvious on who's baby it is. Hubby is fair

 

skinned,blonde and blue eyes and Danny is (spanish) dark skin, brown eyes and hair. Do I tell him that I am pregnant? What do I tell my hubby? How do I tell either or both of them? I never ever thought this could happen. Please help with some advice. I am so so so confused. .............................

 

[Cici]

There are two ways to phrase advice. One is diplomatically, giving an honest, frank judgement not intended to chastise. The other sounds like an angry parent, judging and being critical. I am saying that I am not the parent. I am an individual not involved in the situation, who doesn't know all the details. You don't judge a person with a mood or personality disorder. You seek to help them. You don't call them crazy, selfish or stupid.

Don't use, " It's hard to get outwith 4 children" excuse, because you could always seperate from your husband, if you're that unhappy.

Instead of saying this, you could phrase it more diplomatically by saying, "I understand the difficulties of separating a marriage when there are children involved, but when you are not happy or fulfilled, it is sometimes healthier to seek your own happiness for the sake of the children's mental health."

I suggest you stop acting so selfish and for once think of the people around you. Your being incredibly deceitful.

Of course she knows she was acting selfish and deceitful. You could have said, "In consideration of your husband's feelings, it is important that you be honest and open about your predicament and deal with the consequences of your lapse in judgement."

It doesn't even seem to bother you that you are [an adultress].

How can we know from reading a post on the internet how she feels about herself?

 

I could go on dissecting your response to this woman and point out ways you could have stated the same opinion without necessarily hurting the other person. When you state things undiplomatically, you insite a hostile, defensive response that ultimately causes a wall to be put up, in which case they will not be responsive to your advice. Psychologically speaking, it makes more sense to gently admonish a grown adult, rather than chastise them like a little child.

 

This is advice to you in your future dealings with others, not a judgement of your actions. I don't disagree at all with your opinion. I rather question to effectiveness of your chosen method of delivery.

[Totally Confused]

If you don't like my advice, don't read it. If you chose to give diplomatic advice, then give your diplomatic advice. If I chose to be a scolding parent, then that is my preference. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you are diplomatic (you get a gold star) and I think it's wonderful, that I am a scolding parent. I am extremely flattered that you sat there and put so much time into picking apart and analyzing my posting. But the advice isn't for you, it was for Diana. It is up to HER, NOT YOU, to decide if she choses to take my advice. You're taking it harder than she did, and it's not even any of your business. For every human being that exists there will be an opinion or input that you may not agree with. Whether it's how they present advice or whatever. You're just going to have to accept and deal with that. Some people will agree with me, and some people will agree with you. If someone gives you advice and you don't like it, ignore it. Someone else may love it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, which makes this site so much fun. that's why people ask a question, hoping for different responses and input, whether it's harsh or not, they are taking that chance and will chose what they feel is best for them. That too, you are going to have to accept.

[Cici]

I apologize for the way I put my response. I gather that it was taken the wrong way. I was simply saying that it is sometimes wiser to phrase your advice in a way that does not illicit a defensive response. I see here that you replied in a defensive manner, although I really tried not to insult you in any way.

 

I don't see any reason to be overly sarcastic in your response to me (gold star? is that necessary?). From what is quoted below, I am afraid that you might have taken the advice I gave to you very personally. I apologize if I didn't phrase things correctly to allow you to see what I was trying to say.

 

I think constructive criticism is great. It allows you to become better at what you do, whether it's a hobby or in your career or whatever area of your life. I tried to give you constructive criticism, but what I read below was not constructive to me. I feel that it was hostile and designed to incite some sort of shameful response from me. I understand and accept that there are opinions that I won't agree with, but unfortunately you must have not read the entirety of my post. I admitted that we shared the same opinion about Diana's situation.

 

I realize that you will, with all probability, reply to this in a once again hostile manner. I accept and understand that that is your way of communicating. I feel it was unfair for you to respond in such a manner to me when you refuse to practice what you have preached to me in the writing below. I feel that you reacted to my opinion in an inappropriate way.

If you don't like my advice, don't read it. If you chose to give diplomatic advice, then give your diplomatic advice. If I chose to be a scolding parent, then that is my preference. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you are diplomatic (you get a gold star) and I think it's wonderful, that I am a scolding parent. I am extremely flattered that you sat there and put so much time into picking apart and analyzing my posting. But the advice isn't for you, it was for Diana. It is up to HER, NOT YOU, to decide if she choses to take my advice. You're taking it harder than she did, and it's not even any of your business. For every human being that exists there will be an opinion or input that you may not agree with. Whether it's how they present advice or whatever. You're just going to have to accept and deal with that. Some people will agree with me, and some people will agree with you. If someone gives you advice and you don't like it, ignore it. Someone else may love it. There is no right or wrong in this situation, which makes this site so much fun. that's why people ask a question, hoping for different responses and input, whether it's harsh or not, they are taking that chance and will chose what they feel is best for them. That too, you are going to have to accept.

[Totally Confused]

Thank you for your input and good luck in your future.