The fact I'm posting here says a lot..

[Stunner]

Story encapsulated:

 

Dating 4 months.

Man of my dreams

He's going through tough stuff that has nothing to do with me

He didn't ask for time

He didn't ask for a split

Haven't had sex for six weeks

He canceled our last date because he can't say no to clients and doesn't

want to because it fills a hole in his heart for the time being.

He has made it clear he cares

He has made it clear he cares about my children

I gave him a seven day 'it's up to you to call because you are busy

and this time away from home helps'...while he is out of town..Wed.

he is due back home

I haven't seen him in two weeks

I am vulnerable because I know I feel love for him

He hasn't called for five of those seven days but called from the plane

when he left

 

Fact: I am way to pent up sexually and have too much attraction to him to keep going like this

 

Fact: He's a good man and worth the wait

 

Fact: I want someone to take me to bed and satisfy my needs

 

What the hell do I do with this?!

[Spectre]

if you love him, you would only want him to satisfy your needs.

 

really, ever hear of masturbation?

 

if you wanna f*ck someone else that bad, as I said, you dont love him, so just dump him and move on, i mean you need to make up your mind. you just said he's worth the wait, but then you basically said you want any random guy to come bang your brains out, choose hon.

 

Lesson 1: Signs You Do Not Truly Love Someone

 

A: Wanting someone to take you to bed and satisfy your needs.

[Zaira]

if you love him, you would only want him to satisfy your needs.

 

really, ever hear of masturbation?

 

if you wanna f*ck someone else that bad, as I said, you dont love him, so just dump him and move on, i mean you need to make up your mind. you just said he's worth the wait, but then you basically said you want any random guy to come bang your brains out, choose hon.

 

Lesson 1: Signs You Do Not Truly Love Someone

 

A: Wanting someone to take you to bed and satisfy your needs.

I agree. If masturbation can't fix your desires, then maybe you're only wanting this man for what he can give you sexually.

[Stunner]

Thank you for your honest responses regarding an honest question.

 

If I wanted him just for sex I would indeed be wasting my time, then, wouldn't I? OBVIOUSLY it is for more than that. And to answer the sarcasm above, yes I have heard of masturbation and it works quite well, thank you...I'm probably older than you are and better practiced. As for 'random' guys....I've never even had a one night stand. If I were a slut that would make it a lot easier. I would not go sleep with someone without making a decision on this guy....I think instead encapsulating the story I should have been more clear.

 

ly 'infidelity' that would happen here would be against my own

emotions. I haven't cheated on anyone, ever but feel torn between what I want out of this and respecting the space he may need now but cannot effectively communicate. It feels like cheating even THINKING about ending it right now BUTI do not want to get sucked into something where the poor guy is too broken to HAVE a deep relationship.

 

I have never slept with one man while having feelings for another. We clarified early on that if either of us ever made the choice to be with someone else there would at least be a late night cell phone call to end it officially first. But even THAT doesn't erase the emotional part of things.

 

I DO NOT want to wind up in a position where it becomes all about what he wants CONTINUOUSLY or to be stuck with someone who simply runs from his problems instead of dealing with them...that would all remain to be seen. So I guess the fear and the hesitation is really mine..being afraid not only of how I feel but how much time I invest without a likely positive ending. I don't want to resent the guy a year from now because he cannot solve his own problems.

 

Maybe my question should be reworded. A little history here....I divorced earlier this year and spent almost eight years of my life wasting time with a dickwad who was an *******...everything was about him and I sat my happy ass on a shelf all that time trying to make it work for the kids...then he became abusive...done and moving on. I am trying to make DAMN sure I don't EVER neglect my needs again....emotionally or otherwise.

 

SO, reworded question then becomes: "How long, in your opinion, do you feel it is acceptable to put your own emotions and desires on hold for someone you care about? At what point do you feel it becomes unhealthy?" Since this particular forum many have dealt with the fall out of bad choices, what would you have done differently scenarios and general bad vibes, mistrust and hesitation in new relationships this would be the best place to post.

 

Maybe if a moderator feels this is the wrong place to post this it should be moved, hell if I know.

 

Try not to bash me too much I am a nice person just trying to figure **** out and get opinions from other who have no ties to the situation or could share their experiences while being honest. Sarcasm is a waste of time so if you could refrain from dishing it out, that would be fantastic.

 

BTW, I'm 38 so if someone closer in age, has been married before (bad marriage with a selfish type)and a very short list of partners could respond that would be great. If that person doesn't exist, thanks anyway.

[UnknowingOW]

I have a question...is he married?

[stillafool]

Well, providing he isn't married - I think you should wait til the end of the seven day period and see if he calls you. If he doesn't I think you should start getting over him. You have already been in a marriage where it sounds like you put yourself on hold for someone else. You don't want to start doing that again when you just recently got divorced. 38 isn't that old and there are a lot of guys out there who would love to date you. I wouldn't force something that doesn't fit. BTW, if he is a MM then definitely give it up. He will never leave his wife and if he feels you are getting too close he will run.

[Walk]

I'm 32, previous marriage to a selfish partner. Bad divorce.. etc.

 

I started dating this guy after my divorce that was gone a lot. Like gone for 2 weeks, and home for 2 days, then gone for 2-3 weeks.

 

I was feelign a lot like you described. Like... I dont' know.. like I needed more. And I realized after a while that it was okay to need more from a partner. I needed someone who was going to be available to spend time with me, who was emotionally capable of being intimate with me on a regular basis. Who wanted to be around me more than just a couple days every few weeks.

 

Your guy won't even call on a regular basis. He's left you in limbo. You're tied to him, yet there's no support, no communication, and no connection other than your proclamation that you'd wait til the 7th day. He doesn't seem to be giving you very much, if anything at all. Maybe I don't have the whole story.. but seems to me he IS being selfish in this. That he wants things his way, without really being concerned how YOU feel about things. I mean, where is the comprimise? How difficult is it to pick up the phone every other day and just say, "Hey, how are you? I'm working on things, and we can talk on wednesday about everything."

 

Anyway, I finally told the guy that I was dating that I wasn't happy being in a psuedo relationship where I waited around for someone who was off doing there own thing the majority of the time. And that *I* would be happier if we just went back to casual dating where I could date other people, or if he were around more often so that I could feel that emotional and physical connection that I absolutely needed in a relationship. He chose to rearrange his work so that he could be home more often, and to put more effort into attempting to create time together.

 

I dont' feel I was wrong in feeling I wasn't getting my needs me. He wasn't wrong for being gone all the time. It just wasn't what I wanted, or needed from a relationship.

 

And frankly, masturbation is great... but it does NOT compare to the real deal. (at least to me.) And it's something I like, and want to share with someone I care about. If the person I'm supposedly with, doesn't want to share that with me, then I need to find someone else who is willing. Which means leaving the person who can't find time for me, can't communicate with me, and wont' be physically intimate with me and finding someone who comes closer to meeting my needs.

 

I think this guy is stringing you along, and you're feeling as though you're giving too much (yet again.). In my experience, situations like this don't get much better. They just drag on... As great a person as he may be, neither of you are feeling fulfilled by this relationship (it sounds like). I think you'd be better off to let him go, and find someone who is emotionally and physically available to you. He doesn't sound as if he is, or even will be in the near future. Don't keep waiting.. you've spent too much of your life waiting for someone else to put your needs at the top of the list. Take back your life, and find someone who is going to place you at the top of priorities. Not hte bottom.

[Walk]

How long, in your opinion, do you feel it is acceptable to put your own emotions and desires on hold for someone you care about?

 

I feel it is appropriate as long as there is strong communication, and effort is being made by the other person to resolve their problems. No communication, no plan of action, and no effort... DON'T waste your time.

 

What is your guy doing to resolve his problems, other than running away from them?

 

Has he attempted to communicate how he plans to resolve his problems? Has he been open to help, or ideas on how to resolve them? Has he talked to anyone (professionally) about how to deal with his issues if he can't find solutions on his own? Has he even expressed any appreciation for you "waiting" on him? Or has it pretty much been established that it's expected, and he really doesnt' care if you do or don't....?

 

P.s If you read other posts by SPectre, you'd realize he's full of ****. Just ignore him. He'll go away. He has ADHA or something and doesn't last long on a single thread.

[Guest]

ahhhhhhh...the 7 day ultimatium...i remember that like it was like...3 weeks ago! lol

 

and obviously so do u! and if i remember correctly i yanked that off as soon as i realized what a childish thing to do...

 

u know what i love about walk's post...let me ask walk this quiestion

 

"I feel it is appropriate as long as there is strong communication, and effort is being made by the other person to resolve their problems. No communication, no plan of action, and no effort... DON'T waste your time."

 

according to this statement u are a person that believes in respect because as u state, if someone did that to you you would Walk! so, ask yourself this, which side of the fence are u really on? if u demand communication from your partner, would you be compelled to communicate if it was the other way around?

 

good question eh [if not chances are you are having a piece of cake right now]

 

but u don't have to answer [lol] because its not really needed to make a decision [feb was a loooooooooooooong time ago] btw, do not read any anger or negative vibe from this ok...i don't do anger anymore - lol [u know what i mean]

[Walk]

ahhhhhhh...the 7 day ultimatium...i remember that like it was like...3 weeks ago! lol

 

and obviously so do u! and if i remember correctly i yanked that off as soon as i realized what a childish thing to do...

 

u know what i love about walk's post...let me ask walk this quiestion

 

"I feel it is appropriate as long as there is strong communication, and effort is being made by the other person to resolve their problems. No communication, no plan of action, and no effort... DON'T waste your time."

 

according to this statement u are a person that believes in respect because as u state, if someone did that to you you would Walk! so, ask yourself this, which side of the fence are u really on? if u demand communication from your partner, would you be compelled to communicate if it was the other way around?

 

good question eh [if not chances are you are having a piece of cake right now]

 

but u don't have to answer [lol] because its not really needed to make a decision [feb was a loooooooooooooong time ago] btw, do not read any anger or negative vibe from this ok...i don't do anger anymore - lol [u know what i mean]

 

 

Hey, dude... Sorry, but I think you have me confused for someone else. No issuances of ultimatums in 2 years 8 months and 12 days and all I said was "If you don't tell me I'm pretty in this dress then I'm not gonna wear it again". To which I got the response of "DON'T give me an ultimatum.*

 

And I never have again.

 

Well.... I'd love to stay and debate, whoever you are. But the fact of the matter is, at 10:43 this morning, my long term, several years, bf was no where near the internet, so I know you aren't him. And I don't talk to anyone else.. So that pretty much rules you out of knowing who the F*CK I am!

 

So shut yer pie hole.. Unless of course you wished to pretend to have balls, and wanted to reveal who you are in order to clear up this mass confusion you seem to be having. Either that, or get off the drugs man.

 

[Walk]

The crazy's are out in full force lately. Is it because of halloween coming up? WTF?

[Flyin in Clouds]

Hey, dude... Sorry, but I think you have me confused for someone else. No issuances of ultimatums in 2 years 8 months and 12 days and all I said was "If you don't tell me I'm pretty in this dress then I'm not gonna wear it again". To which I got the response of "DON'T give me an ultimatum.*

 

And I never have again.

 

Oh, now I get it Walk... the guy was a bastard because he wouldn't complement you when you were fishing...

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

He's going through tough stuff that has nothing to do with me

haven't had sex for six weeks

He canceled our last date because he can't say no to clients and doesn't

want to because it fills a hole in his heart for the time being.

I am vulnerable because I know I feel love for him

He hasn't called for five of those seven days but called from the plane

when he left

 

what kind of "tough stuff"? Death in the family? Divorce? Work issues? Kicking a drug habit? What is the cause of the "hole in his heart"?

 

There are some "holes in the heart" that take a while to get better, a lot more than four months.

 

Fact: I am way to pent up sexually and have too much attraction to him to keep going like this

 

Fact: He's a good man and worth the wait

 

Fact: I want someone to take me to bed and satisfy my needs

Well that last one is a lie. You want him to take you to bed. Not just some body. Right?

 

...

..being afraid not only of how I feel but how much time I invest without a likely positive ending. I don't want to resent the guy a year from now because he cannot solve his own problems.

Well if that's the case then don't get into any relationship because you can never be certain how they will turn out.

I am trying to make DAMN sure I don't EVER neglect my needs again....emotionally or otherwise.

Don't over compenstate either. If you insist on getting everything you think you need or want you'll end up making both of you miserable. Compromise has to happen in a relationship. That doesn't mean you shouldn't let your partner know what you want. He can't read your mind, nor you his. But it's highly unlikely you will get 100% of your needs met 100% of the time. Nor should you settle for 0% of our needs (wants?) being met 100% of the time.

 

SO, reworded question then becomes: "How long, in your opinion, do you feel it is acceptable to put your own emotions and desires on hold for someone you care about? At what point do you feel it becomes unhealthy?"

In a marriage that's lasted 32 years, sometimes 32 years. It depends. How much do you care? And what's wrong with you calling him? Sometimes a man hesitates because he's not sure about you, he doesn't want to get burned again either. I recommend trying to talk honestly with one another about needs, wants, desires, fantasies, expectations, limits, boundries, everything... if you want to share a life together. Does he have any clue you are sexually frustrated? Why can't you ask him how long you should wait?

... Sarcasm is a waste of time

Oh lighten up... a little humor can do everyone good. Now put that rabbit back in the box... No, no, the other box, the one it came in. No... that just didn't work out right at all...

 

BTW, I'm 38 so if someone closer in age, has been married before (bad marriage with a selfish type)and a very short list of partners could respond that would be great.

Only been married once. Sorry. Only two previous LTRs (4yrs, 2 yrs). I know that after my first GF broke up with me, nothing could have reached me for nearly a year. So I don't know what your guys "issues" are... but if he's got a big hole in his heart, if he's grieving in some way...

 

I feel it is appropriate as long as there is strong communication, and effort is being made by the other person to resolve their problems. No communication, no plan of action, and no effort... DON'T waste your time.

 

First off, Walk is a woman. So she's not going to help you understand things from the male perspective.

 

What is your guy doing to resolve his problems, other than running away from them?

What are his problems?

Can you help him?

[Walk]

Oh, now I get it Walk... the guy was a bastard because he wouldn't complement you when you were fishing...

 

Uhm... you refering to "the bastard" I posted about in the other thread?

 

Answer is: Nope. I was fishing for a compliment... got shot down. He wasn't a bastard. I'm still dating him and totally in love with him 3 years later.

 

Just never gave an "ultimatum" after that.

 

Flyin... I've posted about my current bf (the above) on here and every response I get is that he's an abusive monster who I should leave without a moments hesitation.. and yet, the guy I cheated on (way in the past) makes my bf look like a ****ing saint.

 

Ergo... Ex was a bastard.

[Guest]

hey, if i rant on yer bf it's not about u...i don't equate your worth because of yer want to be with him - that is unacceptable and out of bounds - your love is your love.

i am allowed to take a few shots of the bow before the sun rises and then drift of into the sunrise....just hang in there...the peanut gallery will be quiet shortly

as fer the 100% - only meant that i am sure in my mind i am ready to tackle things - that's why monday's appointement and log off time signals that

as fer waiting time to have sex..well, if it with a woman i love and cherish i could wait as long as it takes and would never stray [except maybe in chat rooms and web cams and strip clubs and orgy parties and masturbating in my back yard...etc.]

[Walk]

So kiss my tiny, curvy, blue eyed blonde a**

 

I'd love to and I promise I would never ever smash your head into a car... ever

 

Bet your wife would love to hear you talk like this to other women.

 

The word hypocrite is coming to mind... hmmm....

[Flyin in Clouds]

Uhm... you refering to "the bastard" I posted about in the other thread?

yes.

 

Answer is: Nope. I was fishing for a compliment... got shot down. He wasn't a bastard. I'm still dating him and totally in love with him 3 years later.

 

Just never gave an "ultimatum" after that.

Oh, I thought you never wore the dress again...

 

So I guess he put you in your place huh? Good for him. But in the spirit of all things must be equal, I hope you don't put up with ultimatums from him either.

 

Flyin... I've posted about my current bf (the above) on here and every response I get is that he's an abusive monster who I should leave without a moments hesitation.. and yet, the guy I cheated on (way in the past) makes my bf look like a ****ing saint.

 

Ergo... Ex was a bastard.

How long before the current, compliment challenged BF joins the ranks of the less saintly?

 

So help me out here. Which guy caused your head to make contact with the car? The bastard or current guy?

 

Bet your wife would love to hear you talk like this to other women.

 

The word hypocrite is coming to mind... hmmm....

Uh, flirting is OK, acting on it ain't. So in RL no I wouldn't literally touch another woman without my wife's OK. I shy away from getting any closer than shaking hands with a woman and only do so if she offers hers to me out of courtesy to the woman. It would be exceedingly rude to refuse shaking a woman's hand if she offers. It is likewise rude to extend my hand first.

 

On certain festive occasions, when the mistletoe is about, the rules get relaxed a bit. And it's coming up on that time of year again... :)

 

Years ago, like 25, my wife and her best friend took belly dancing lessons. I always teased them about getting a private showing... to this day never happened. sigh... But when the three of us go walking along the beach and the women are in their short shorts, and sports bras... :)