That_girl Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Hey everyone, Well this isn't too long of a story but I guess I should provide some backround information first. I broke up with my ex of 4 years about 6 months ago. The relationship ended horribly, he was abusive, insecure, selfish etc. which over time had lessened my self-esteem and confidence. He was my first serious relationship, which made it harder to get over him, but I finally have. Lately I've been feeling better about myself and concentrating on my own priorities for once. I am a full-time university student and I also work part-time, so I've got quite a bit on my plate right now, and no real time for a relationship. Time is not the only issue- I don't really want to be tied down right now anyway...I guess I was so hurt in the past that I need to be alone for a while and start focusing on bettering myself again. Sounds cliche I know, but I don't feel like I need a man right now. I mean, I have had a number of flings over the summer but nothing ever came of any of that because I'm incredibly bitter towards men, and maybe even sometimes throwing myself at them at the same time. I've only been with 2 guys (my ex included). But, I guess I'm making up for lost time after spending that much time in a monogamous relationship. About 2 months ago, this really cute guy started working at my company and he was sending me flirtacious signals and all that. At first I kinda just ignored him, but the more I saw him and the more we talked, the more I realized that I wanted him. So we discussed our current situations and decided that all we wanted from each other was a friends-with-benefits type of thing. So we made arrangements to get together last month and had the most incredible sex ever. It was emotionless, but based on raw, animal instinct lol which is exactly what we both wanted. We've only hooked up 2 more times after that, and the last time we did I wanted him to hold me afterwards. So he did and I told him that I thought he was sweet and that he is the only person i want to have sex with right now. I think he took this wrong way, because in my head I meant that one FWB is enough and all that I really need to be sexually satisfied. He thought I wanted to get more serious because he started telling me that he had been badly hurt in the past and that he didn't want a relationship right now. I understand that because I feel the same way and I told him that! But he kept saying that he feels guilty because he thinks I'm getting attached, when I told him I'm not. Truth is, I might be- just a little. But I don't think it's genuine deep feelings towards him, he's not my type at all, and I can't really ever see myself in a relationship with him. It's just that the fact that he's making it clear that he wants me only for sex is doing some major damage to my feelings. Obviously I'm not emotionally secure enough to have one of these casual things because I can't deal with the fact that he thinks that I'm good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be with. this is all so confusing because I don't want him either, I just want him to want me. Has anyone else ever felt like this? And is it likely that he is playing hard to get? Every time he sees me talk to another guy at work he accuses me of having a crush on them. And when he calls me and asks what I did on the weekend or whatever, he always asks who it was with, and then tells me that I'm lying when I say it was just some girlfriends. Oh- and he does believe that I'm still madly in love with my ex-boyfriend because I've mentioned him a few times. (which I probably shouldn't have) Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I do have one. Walk. Seriously. That will help him sort out his feelings. Better still, date other people and tell him about it. I suspect you're gonna see some interesting reaction from him. The other benefit of walking is that you can stop further pain and regain some control for yourself. Most women can't have sex without feeling the emotional bound. You don't need to fool youself. You're the norm, not the exception. FWBs don't usually work for women. Link to post Share on other sites
MikeC Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 I agree. You might need to add some incentive to the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Timberlane Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 I get the impression that the only people that can successfully do the FWB thing, ie. not get emotionally involved, are either controlling, self-absorbed narcissists or ruthless users that I wouldn't want in my life anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 I think he is majorly mindf**king you here. He knows he has a good thing in you, you are a good partner for him, and gets jealous when he feels what he has with you is threatened. He is stringing you along for himself, which is extremely selfish of him, but at the same time has feelings for you he isn't admitting. But if you aren't happy with the way things are, you owe it to yourself to leave. You can't change him or the way that he treats/views you. If you still want to have sex with him, you need to practice serious detachment from him. You want more and he isn't able/willing to provide that. You need to make a choice that you can live with, but just remember to consider yourself first. Most likely he will continue to fight the feelings, so much so that he will be incapable of allowing true feelings for you to develop. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 the fact that he's making it clear that he wants me only for sex is doing some major damage to my feelings. Obviously I'm not emotionally secure enough to have one of these casual things Does the ability to maintain a Friends With Benefits situation without any emotional involvement render a person "emotionally secure"? Some might say the ability to do that has less to do with emotional security, more to do with emotional detachment...which certainly isn't the same thing. Note that this guy has referred to getting burned in a previous relationship as being one of the reasons he doesn't want to get emotionally involved. Does that sound like emotional security to you? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 this is all so confusing because I don't want him either, I just want him to want me. Talk about selfish and arrogant! Fortunately, he doesn't want you. Except for sex. So there is no chance that you will f*ck him over. You are just renting your bodies to each other. That's all. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author That_girl Posted October 28, 2006 Author Share Posted October 28, 2006 thanks everyone, for your replies. and i think the few of you who said that he can't be that emotionally secure if he's been burned in the past are right. I feel the same way, which is I guess why I've been feeling so numb lately. I've decided to cut off the benefits because it isn't what I want. I want to feel loved, not just desired sexually. Oh and to Magic hands- I've read some of your posts and I realize that you probably thrive on reading how posters will respond to your bluntness because you're probably an arrogant narcissist yourself, but just to clarify..When I said I wanted him to want me, I guess I should have phrased it differently. I meant that I didn't want to feel ignored and dumped the next day, not that I wanted him to be in love with me so that I can **** all over him. I guess that goes along with the cliche of women feeling trash after they've slept with a random person, and the guy feeling like the champ. I just wanted reassurance that I wasn't just another ****. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 I just wanted reassurance that I wasn't just another ****. But isn't that what FWB is?? Just another f*ck. I'm not sure I understand. Do you mean more, because you go back for seconds, and thirds...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author That_girl Posted October 28, 2006 Author Share Posted October 28, 2006 I know that's what FWB is, but I've only had one...I thought I could handle it...and obviously I can't. I can't stand the idea of being just another **** is what I meant...but my judgement was hindered by stupidity and arousal. Oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 I thought I could handle it...and obviously I can't. Hey...calm down. I have no idea how this FWB thing is supposed to work - in my view it can't. We're human beings, not robots. In my paradigm, sex is strictly a subset of love. So for me there could never be a FWB. All you can do is learn, if you consider this to be a mistake. Trying to have sex without any feelings - or developing any feelings - is not for everyone. And given your experience, I suggest you look for something more substantial next time. You're certainly not stupid. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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