Roarz Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 This applies to me specifically, but can also be general advice. It's been a year since my ex broke up with me, and since then she's had one bf who broke up with her. A month after that she started flirting with me again (after a 5 month NC) and asked me out to a movie, where we had fun w/ heavy flirting from her. At the end of it I asked her if she was trying to get back with me and she just said "No I was only hoping to be friends." So I just told her I couldn't do that because I still liked her and that was that. Obviously just an ego boost after being dumped and I fell for it. It's been a few months of just straight NC since then and I've been feeling pretty good, was finally thinking there's something worth living for beyond this girl. Then of course today I run into her in the library. We saw each other at a distance and waved and then a few minutes later she walked over to me and just started casual chat "How have you been, you look nice, ect ect". I acted kinda cold, short answers and all that, simply because of all the pain I been through with her kind of left it as a defense mechanism, so it only lasted about 30 seconds until she said "Ok well I guess I'll leave you alone then, bye". I know the last meeting wasn't anything at all, but I thought it might help with an answer. Obviously I am still in love with her and I really want to get back with her, but I just don't know how to go about it. Everyone I know says that I shouldn't have "rushed" asking her about her intentions at the movies and that ruined it. Some people say if I want her back I have to initiate it and keep it going so she falls in love again, but don't rush this time, and other people say she has got to come back to me on her own, there's nothing I can do about it. To make it clear, I don't want friends, I am only interested in a relationship. So what do you think, after so long of a time, should a male dumpee take initiative (all women say they love this) and try to feel out the situation to see if it's possible, or is it really better just to forget about it and keep NC forever and just wait for a "I want you back"? As in upping the chances of getting them back, not to get over it and such. If it's to "go for it" how do you approach it? As friends at first or constantly push that "romantic" atmosphere? Hopefully I can get some advice on my own situation personally as well as to this question in general. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Well, it's tough to say what her motives are. She's vulnerable right now- and that could have a lot to do with her reaching out to you. We often tend to go back to what's familiar to us in hard times....and that shouldn't be confused with her still loving you. What is in your favour is the fact that she did reach out- and that you did at one point have mutual attraction. So the basis to the attraction is probably still present. Yes, I would play it cool at this point and not rush things if you truly want her back. You may need to begin this with a friendship in order to win her back... because you'll have to go through a period of reminding her why she fell in love wiht you in the first place. So, play it cool. Stop asking her intentions for the time being and wait for her to bring it up. If she feels pressure, she may bolt. I am pretty sure I would. She is probably flirting to boost her ego after her last break up. And this isn't fair to you. SO at some point you may have to tell her to go away if you feel you are being used. But don't give up just yet. Try the friendship/no pressure angle and see where that takes you. But pressuring her right now will probably push her away given her current state and situation. Good luck. D Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roarz Posted November 21, 2006 Author Share Posted November 21, 2006 Ugh well really late reply to an old post but yeah, I tried the friendship deal with this particular ex and it didn't really pan out into anything. Halloween she sent me a txt msg (first communication for a while) about how my night was, had a little back and forth, so I decided to just ask her to go do something with me that friday. Didn't call it a date or as just friends. Got the "I have to work that night, maybe some other time?" So I kinda took that as a disinterest and stopped initiating contact altogether. Still got the cute little "how are you doing/tease" type messages on AIM, but only when I was away. Sometimes I'd send something back but otherwise no real conversation. Last night I get another one about "Oh I hate studying too! Have a good thanksgiving!", of course while I was away. So today I thought I'd at least be courteous and start a small conversation since she had sent that and we were trying to "be friends/ly". Went for about 3 lines. I asked her how she was on a certain thing, got a disinterested 3-4 word answer to each one with no real continuation of the conversation on her part so after a few lines I just stopped sending altogether, because it was obvious she wasn't interested in any kind of conversation with me. Nothing at all from her until she logged off. Of course now we have the typical cliche ending: she has a new boyfriend as of a week ago or something (friend told me). That's not really the main problem (although it is a problem since I do still want her back despite all of this). I guess what I want to know is, why with the bait and switch? Send a person some messages and then act like a conversation with that person is the farthest thing from your mind when they try to have one. Now it's not even from a relationship view point but rather just friend in general. If you don't want to really talk to/spend time with that person, why even communicate with them at all? I've said it before but this time I'll have to say I really am done with this person...with all the mixed signals who can tell at all what they're supposed to do? Since I'm young I don't have a lot of experience with breakups in general but all of my other ex's...we don't talk and we don't pretend we like or dislike each other. There's just no communication and if they want to be friends or just catch up they'll send me an email or phone call and you know, generally have interest in it. I've tried to just cut contact like that with this ex since that's the natural thing but she always comes back with these messages (phone calls if I ignore those enough) until I respond just in a friendly way (no pressure for relationship) and then completely backs off like talking to me is the last thing she'd want to do. I know you'll all say "Just keepin you on a leash" and you're probably right, but why the hell would a rational person keep it going for this long? Either you want to be friends/more or nothing at all, you know? Is she herself messed up or is this normal for people to do? Link to post Share on other sites
phoenix21 Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Some people say if I want her back I have to initiate it and keep it going so she falls in love again, but don't rush this time, and other people say she has got to come back to me on her own, there's nothing I can do about it. To make it clear, I don't want friends, I am only interested in a relationship. I know what you mean. I'm kinda in the same situation with that. I'm trying to figure out what my best move is to get my ex back. I wish I had an answer for you. All I know is that you don't want to do the wrong things and blow any chance you might have. Does anyone know what's the best answer for this? Link to post Share on other sites
Benji86 Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 I know what you mean. I'm kinda in the same situation with that. I'm trying to figure out what my best move is to get my ex back. I wish I had an answer for you. All I know is that you don't want to do the wrong things and blow any chance you might have. Does anyone know what's the best answer for this? I wish I did but I am in the same situation as well Quite a bind to be in ::sighs:: Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 The best answer, and the best possible solution is to get back up on the horse and ride off with someone more deserving and accepting of your love. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Most of the time they don't. that's hard to accept, but it's a reality. It freakin hurts- but getting over it and being happy again is the best possible outcome. D Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roarz Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Yeah I kinda figured that out..I guess the hardest thing to accept about this is not that it's over, but how someone can change so much and go from love to something even worse than indifference (that being this continued psuedo contact, when nothing at all would be best). I trusted her 100% and over night she was completely different, screwing me over at every turn and continues to do so, even when I just try to be friends. It's hard to believe that people like her even have a conscious at all and hard for me to understand what they could be thinking when they do things like this. Oh well, I'm going out with some girl tonight that I've been on a few dates with but I haven't even kissed her because I've been so messed up over this drama...I guess I'll just give it a shot tonight, can't be stuck in between forever. Link to post Share on other sites
phoenix21 Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Most of the time they don't. that's hard to accept, but it's a reality. It freakin hurts- but getting over it and being happy again is the best possible outcome. D I would have to agree that most of the time they don't come back. This is my guess, but I think that most of the time they don't come back is because of a few reasons. 1. At the initial breakup, the dumpee does things to push the other person further away. Things like pleading, crying, acting needy, being pushy, etc. This is with almost everyone. I think only a small percentage doesn't do this. 2. The dumpee allows contact instead of doing some form of NC so the dumper doesn't have any time to miss them and time to forget about the bad times 3. The dumpee doesn't know exactly what happened and doesn't realize what the problems in the relationship were. They also don't make any effort to better themselves for themselves, not for the ex. I also think that most people don't get back together after a break up is because of the reasons above and it's also because when the ex does come back, the dumpee has already moved on and it's too late. I'm not saying that we don't have a chance of getting our ex back, but I think if you do some of these things, it will better your chances. Link to post Share on other sites
ktec Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 The best answer, and the best possible solution is to get back up on the horse and ride off with someone more deserving and accepting of your love. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Most of the time they don't. that's hard to accept, but it's a reality. It freakin hurts- but getting over it and being happy again is the best possible outcome. D As painful as it is to admit, i have to agree. D-lish is right. Link to post Share on other sites
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