Horrible secret--how much do I share?

[ExtremelyAshamed]

Not many people know this painful secret-- not even my family.

 

I am married, and trying to get an annullment (if the court will allow it, or a divorce, if the court will not allow an annullment).

 

Background: I had just gotten out of an extremely emotionally abusive LTR (alcoholic), where my self-esteem was non-existent. Six months later, I was still extremely depressed (and should have been in therapy), and made the HUGE error of getting online. I met a foreign man "Pierre" in a chatroom, and it's a classic idiot's tale of deception. I fell for this guy who seemed so different from my ex. He came to the US, and there was a whirlwind courtship.

 

He said and did all the right things and told me he loved me, and wanted me to come back to his country, but to do that, we'd need to be married, or I wouldn't be able to emigrate or work in his country. We had a quick civil ceremony, and, right after the ceremony I saw his true self.

 

Right before he got on the plane to return to his country, he started nonchalantly revealing things: he actually had a girlfriend (they's been together for 12 years) and had just gotten out of a religious cult. But the cult had gotten him off his drug habit (non-IV). I am not kidding. He told me other things which made me see him as the con artist he really is. I found out he and his GF wanted to move to the US. I was afraid of him (what else would he do- I didn't even *know* him) and I was shocked & horrified at what I had done and couldn't wait for him to board that plane.

 

The next day, I called him and told him this marriage was wrong, and that I was going to have it annulled. I never heard from him again. I had him flagged by the INS. It's been over a year and he refuses to sign the papers and this is being dragged out in court. The lawyer says this *could* go on indefinately because this guy is in a foreign country and not subject to US laws.

 

I am still in therapy working through my dysfunctional family/ relationship issues. I have been feeling a lot better, but for the longest time, I have been shying away from any relationship (for obvious reasons!) because I knew I was not ready and because I am, for all purposes, married.

 

I feel a tremendous guilt (and, of course, shame from the stupidity) about this.

 

A few months ago, I met a really great guy. I tried to keep it on the friendship level, but I really care a lot for him and he really cares for me. But I am married- it's wrong to be involved with anyone! What should I tell him? This issue has not come up yet, but it could. Thanks in advance for your help.

[Ed]

In your post you said, "I tried to keep it on the friendship level". If I read this right and this is what you meant to type...that means you have more than a freindship with this new man and he doesn't know you are legally married. Am I right? Is this what you are asking about?

[Tony T]

Good news. You are NOT married.

 

First of all, most states allow for divorce if one of the parties cannot be found. Otherwise, people would be condemned to being legally married forever if they couldn't find their spouse. You do not have to have somebody declared dead to get a divorce.

 

Second, marriage is a legal contract. However, you were induced into entering that contract through fraud (misleading information and statements). A contract entered into which is induced by fraud is not binding. Fire your attorney and hire one with an imagination for Pete's sake. This one's a dud.

 

Third, marriage takes place in the hearts of two people...not on paper or in a wedding chapel, church or at a justice of the peace. There was no bond of marriage between you and the butthole turkey who defrauded you and therefore you are not married.

 

You are absolutely free to see anybody you want at this point. I urge you to pursue this guy you care about as long as you watch yourself and make sure you aren't doing so out of some dysfunctional need, vulnerability, etc. rather than a genuine desire to share your time with him.

 

If I was close to you geographically, I'd have this matter straighted out for you in a matter of days. Go see an attorney who doesn't want to milk you for cash...one who understands fraudulent inducement. You can get an annullment right away and you can easily prove fraud, I'm sure. And you can do it if you can never find the guy or even if he's dead. All you have to do is advertise the action in certain local newspapers for a matter of 30 days or so.

 

Good luck!!!

[AndrewStWilson]

Relax, but be smart. Dump your attorney...NOW! I'm in the legal profession...so listen up!

 

Find someone named "Pierre" even if you have to get someone to get a P.O. Box with "Pierre's" name on it. (be smart) Get a friend to get the PO Box, then add a "Pierre's with his last name" to it. Mail it certified to the P.O. Box, and your "Peirre" will sign for it....

 

Or Find a "Pierre" who is "willing" to say "yes...I'm Pierre ..." Have the papers delivered to "Pierre" wherever he hangs out. (I'm sure you know a nightclub where a friend...(oops, I mean "Pierre" hangs out,,,and is willing to say to the server, "yes, I'm Pierre" ..and he'll get served the papers. I'm sure you've got friends...HELLO!

 

 

Wah-Lah...you had him served! Now go and file for annulment on your own! Claim financial hardship if you must, so that you won't have to pay for the filing fee. Identify all of your claims of fraud...and when your court date comes....I'm sure that you'll have "pierre" served again!

 

Now when court day comes, you have proof that "Pierre" was served! Oh my..Pierre doesn't show up for the hearing or the court date....of coarse the real Pierre will be in France somewhere. (don't loose any sleep over this honey!) But as far as the court knows...the real Pierre was served! When no "Pierre" shows up, you win by default.

 

Show this e-mail to your new love. Explain what happened, If he loves you, he will understand and most possibly help you. Be honest with your love, and it will reap a hundredfold.

 

You can dump your emotional confusion in the trash as far as being fearful, and complacent about doing what I recommended. You are simply returning the fraud-favor. Just what the hell is he gong to do. Come back, hire an attorney! yeah....right! He's so history, I wouldn't worry about it. Give him a taste of his own medicine...and don't look back.

 

Good luck with your new love. See life gets better. Smile, and go for it girl! let me know what happens!

 

Andrew