Seeking Those Who Have Experienced the Same

[Brentris]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I met this woman back in May on a website. No pictures because they were not that important at the time. Struck up a conversation. A month of fun emails and cyber flirting, which graduated to phone calls. She finally provided a pic and she was gorgeous. A few weeks of phone calls and we met. Always smiling, intelligent, just made me melt to be around her. I resolved to treat this dating experience like no other. We got to know each other slowly, safely and things really began to blossom. The last 4 or 5 dates were something else alternating from tenderness to passion, long gazes into each others eyes, kind and promising words all around. I was sure that she was the one. Neither of us are spring chickens, and with past 40 dating and all the problems meeting people who you click with, I felt that this was really going to go somewhere. Then a few weeks ago, while arranging a time to meet that evening, she announced to me that a guy she had met before through a mutual acquaintance had called her and asked her out. She always liked this guy from their conversations but had never been out with him. She asked me to understand and not to over react and also that she really DID NOT WANT ME TO GO ANYWHERE. Wow, what honesty, completely up front, I need to check this out, but please don't leave me. I talked to some other folks about this two in the psychology profession and gave her background as part of our discussion. She had a lot of bad luck in her marriage and many struggles in her life which probably made her very self absorbed to the extent that she gave up dating for a LONG TIME. She had not dated in 7 years and had only begun again 9 months ago. She shuffled quickly through 4 losers on the internet and met me. Admits to me that I probably have treated her better than anyone she has ever been out with and clearly wants me to be hanging around. She won't date me while she dates this guy and that among all the negatives here is really the rub of it all. I've backed off from this a bit without burning any bridges. The pain is subsiding a bit, but that does not mean I am not still conflicted about all this. She has her space to do what she wants. If she wants back in, then I have a decision to make about taking her back. I am interested in hearing from folks who have had a similar situation. The question I have to ask myself, because I fell so hard for her, is at our age is it easy for such a woman to be confused about what she wants when so much is placed before her (two guys she is attracted to after a very long drought) and in seeing this other person can the end result be that she finds out what's right about her relationship with you? I'm not waiting, but the door is still there to be reopened. Most guys think I am nuts and perhaps I am. But if she finds that I really am the guy, doesn't it make sense, if you can handle it, to leave a bridge, a way to come back.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[amaysngrace]

Um...how old are you guys again? I think I may have missed it.

 

Anyway, no matter, because I think you're doing the right thing in giving her space to choose at any age. You two have only been together a short while. And she was totally upfront and honest about this guy. If she was a skeezer and was trying to cheat on you, you'd never have known about him.

 

Probably because she's made some really poor choices in the past when picking men, she is extra careful now to get the one who is the very best for herself. If you are chosen, that's great. But if you aren't, do you think you like her enough to be happy for her?

[Guest]

hey, don't try to figure out what she is thinking - she probably doesn't know herself...just got do yer thing and keep an eye out in case she gets banged up - then u can point her in the direction of the nearest home hardware so she can buy a staple gun a nail that other cat to the wall!

 

and while she is doing that...u can go shopping fer some new wheels - i hear that there is a two for one sale going on at frisby tires - wink

[Brentris]

How old are we. Not to old to be foolish and to get caught up like teenagers and then get hurt like the same. It doesn't matter how old but I am late 40's and she in early 40's. Am I on the wrong site?

 

Anyway, I looked at your profile and noted that you are a lady. I have been surprised by the number of women, including a woman psychologist friend of mine, who have given the same advice.

 

She still calls because she still cares. There was nothing nefarious or otherwise wrong with our relationship up to that point. I think she was confronted after so much time of not having anyone worthwhile to date to have one (me) and someone else suddenly entering the picture. That still does not stop the hurt and the feeling that you've been pushed aside. Amidst all this, she still wants me around, though would not offer any reassurances.

 

For sure, there is something selfish going on here and no doubt confusion about what she wants.

 

If she finds that she wants to be with this other guy, I can be happy for her. Bitterness will eat you up and I learned a long time ago that that is not the way to go. You put it behind you and move on.

 

I guess I was looking for people with the same experience to tell their stories. I have seen people reconnect before and it be much better and much stronger for the turmoil and strength you show to get through it. I have also seen people reconnect before and it be the same old **** over again.

 

I really did not want to lose her but this is where we are at right now. I won't wait around for her while she does this, but it would be nice to have her come back with the words "I'm sorry. I realize now that you were the right one". It's what I believed until a few weeks ago and still may be true but I have to be careful about living in fantasy land.

[amaysngrace]

 

She still calls because she still cares.

 

For sure, there is something selfish going on here and no doubt confusion about what she wants.

 

 

 

I think she does care a great deal for you. And from your posts, you seem well-deserving of a loving relationship.

 

But, she has an obligation to herself at this stage in her life to be selfish when making the choice of whom she'd most like to get involved with. You really can't fault her for that. You may very well do the same if the situation were reversed.

 

If she's still keeping in contact with you while dating this guy seems to me to say you're on her mind. I wouldn't view it as stringing you along, if that's how you see it.

 

Mostly she is probably calling you because she does care. I know it's a real tall order for you, but try your best to be pleasant and upbeat when she does call.

 

Be genuinely happy to hear from her. Because you should be.

[simon_uk]

I would imagine that if this woman has been honest with you about her feelings and intentions then she has probably told the other guy (s) she is dating the same thing.

 

I would suggest that your best option is to take it in your stride. Respect her honesty and her wishes and be patient.

 

The other guy may not be quite as understanding as you and 'may' demand her time or that she make a decision and this can only work in your favour.

 

Be the better man, my friend. Support her, encourage her, wish her well and allow her to make her own choices. This can only be a good thing, be it for her to choose you or for you to become a receptive for all that you deserve in life.

 

Good Luck

[Brentris]

Just curious if you were me and the situation here is exactly how I have described it, would you suggest that I only take her calls or from my perspective as the initiator would NC be beneficial at all. She is going to call unless I tell her not to do so.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Bentris: "....DID NOT WANT ME TO GO ANYWHERE. ..... her background .... She had a lot of bad luck in her marriage and many struggles in her life which probably made her very self absorbed to the extent that she gave up dating for a LONG TIME. She had not dated in 7 years and had only begun again 9 months ago. She shuffled quickly through 4 losers on the Internet and met me. Admits to me that I probably have treated her better than anyone she has ever been out with and clearly wants me to be hanging around. "

 

For folks who have been "out of the loop" for a long time, I think your friend may be aware that she is such a "newbie" with dating, again, that she wants to be more careful about her choices.

 

The trouble with that is, though, being *too* careful and intensely analytical can cause you to wind up being so confused about *who* to choose, that you start behaving in some strange ways towards your "prospects".

 

In other words, you start cheapening the whole business of how you treat others, who made it to your "standards list", and who you think *might* be worth your time.

 

This can happen outside virtual reality, too, but I personally believe it is enhanced, encouraged, and promoted by the availability of more "bodies" to choose from via the Internet -namely dating sites.

 

It causes us to learn a new way of abusing others in tentative "relationships".

 

We put them "on hold" just in case something (someone) "better" comes along.

 

Some defend this by saying that it's just a good way to eliminate the losers, and find exactly what you are looking for.

 

For a moment, I can almost buy into that theory because it sounds quite intelligent to have your "wish-list" handy and be able to sort through all the personal information to match your "must-have" criteria to what the potential prospects might be offering -but then I look at the overwhelming number of people making up this virtual society of confused, bitter, aching, mixed-up people that it's creating, and I just can't accept that the concept of site dating is majorly positive, at all.

 

I believe only a very lucky few come away with a totally positive experience that lasts for as long as the average marriage developed through non-virtual means.

 

I think your friend may have embarked on an experience with online dating sites that has either turned her off to the whole idea of virtual intervention or "help", and caused her to refocus her attention to the world she is most familiar with in choosing to give her old real-life date a chance -or she may have truly been bitten by the appeal of what she has learned in so little time from the dating sites, and developed the familiar sort of mind-set that usually occurs when you fool around with them that causes you to slowly begin to view and treat most of your relationships that have romantic potential poorly.

 

I can only imagine what you are feeling in trying to come up with the "right" answer to un-confuse the situation -but I believe you have done yourself a favor by backing off, and limiting contact with this person.

 

And as far as your waiting on her change of heart, and deciding suddenly that she made a mistake and coming back to you -I advise caution, and suggest you only view any future invitation back into the relationship with all the good sense you can muster.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Art_Critic]

I'm going to go with the more unromantic adivce and say what I would do if presented with the same situation..

 

She is flake...

 

All of us that date are presented with decisions to make just as we are getting to know someone.

She just made a bad decision for you and her..

 

I have been in her shoes before where I was just getting to know someone and then I met someone else clearly by accident..

Well if I respect the person I'm getting to know then I simply tell the person that I've just started seeing someone and I'm sorry but I want to see where this goes..

 

Kinda of a sorry the timing wasn't right kinda thing..

 

What it really comes down to is that you don't do it for her totaly and she is looking to trade up on you already...

 

Try and realize that this woman is broken and it isn't your fault but by waiting for her and gtaking her subtle disrespect for you, you are being desperate.. It will only get worse...

[simon_uk]

Just curious if you were me and the situation here is exactly how I have described it, would you suggest that I only take her calls or from my perspective as the initiator would NC be beneficial at all. She is going to call unless I tell her not to do so.

 

I personally wouldn't initiate complete NC if I were interested because that would be suggesting I weren't interested. I wouldn't want her to think that.

 

I also wouldn't tell her not to call me or give any kind of ultimatum.

 

When she did call I would be as friendly as I could possibly be under the circumstances. I would also seek to be dating others if at all possible.

 

I would try not 'Act' like I was apathetic and actively dating. I WOULD be.

 

RioBikini Raises some very very good points about interent dating and how easy it is to get caught up in it all. I have ventured into that arena myself and can testify that there is definitely too much choice and it does put people in tricky situations. It gives so many options that people really do lose sight of reality sometimes.

 

It is so easy to get involved with somebody, only to receive another email from somebody else who just happens to fit our criteria for the 'perfect' person and move on and on and on.

 

Ultimately this can lead to waiting and thoroughly expecting Brad Pitt to join the dating site at any moment and make contact.

 

This as Rio rightly says is especially true when people are just getting back into the dating field. It's like a kid with free reign on a toy store.

 

Again this can and often does happen in the 3D world also.

[daphne]

Brent,

 

I'm with Art Critic. If you really did it for her, other guys and timing wouldn't be a problem. Who doesn't have issues? It all boils down to seeing a good thing and wanting it at the same time. She's got her toe in the door. If you were to have met her first and she said "well, you're kind of cute but I'd like to check out my other options for now" I doubt you would have signed up for it. Hanging on when you're not first choice is not a good position for anyone. I don't care how gorgeous she is.

[Brentris]

Thanks to everyone for all the advice and perspective that you have provided. Things get a little bit better as each day passes. Clarity and proper perspective must prevail to move on. That's what I like about getting advice from complete strangers. You all have no investment in this and that's why it is important to try to get some perspective from distant parties. Those who know both of us, for the most part cannot give good advice. They are all closer to one of us than both of us and though their hearts are in the right place, there is not that detachment which is necessary to emotionally not get caught up in it all. Everyone's advice on this forum holds some degree of truth, though none are probably exactly correct and I can only follow what is in my head AND heart to climb out of the abyss. Let's go with my head first:

 

My head tells me that I must put some distance between she and I. It is necessary to protect myself. It has nothing to do with providing her with an opportunity to see what she has given up as if we were playing games. I’m not a game player and this is being done only in my own self interest. That much is very clear to me.

 

My head tells me, based upon past experience, that when things like this happen, you must try to grow from the experience. That's hard for people who are suffering to understand. It also tells me that getting out of the funk does NOT require that I go find someone else to replace her right now. That will come in time. Rebounding folks are better off setting some short term personal goals and productively work on other things. If you need distractions to get over it, they should be productive and not simply reactive.

 

My head tells me that time is both my friend and my enemy. As each day goes by, it becomes more my friend. This too is a choice. I can wallow in misery or find the perspective to get out.

 

My head tells me that she absolutely does not know what she wants. That does not make her a bad person. It is just suddenly finding herself in a situation with two suitors and realizing that after all these years being out of relationships she is presented with a choice. She was not actively searching for anyone else and neither of us were out on the internet looking while we were together. There were absolutely no warning signs that I could detect leading up to this. There was not one act of selfishness of irresponsibility that arose until this happened. I am very well grounded and observant. She did and does still care for me. None of this justifies her choice in this matter, but it can mean that she simply doesn't know what she wants right now. It’s an unfortunate and difficult situation to be in for me. It would be much simpler if she would have just said “I’m not interested in you at all.

 

My head tells me that even though she hurt me, she was honest and up front about what was going on. She is also guilt ridden about it all, as she should be. Neither honesty or heart felt guilt when you’ve hurt someone are negative quality traits. Neither are they reasons for her to stay with me if she is unsure. She needs to find what she wants. I accept that. Again, it’s not about me and that is so important to remember for a lot of reasons.

 

My head tells me that even I also do not know what I want RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT. This is another good reason not to jump into another relationship right now and to do a reassessment of what I want. I don’t think that anything will change in what I am looking for overall but I’m in a particular moment of my life and it is important to live and learn from it. Sometimes, you just need to stand down and regroup yourself. There is a grieving process that goes with these things and as hard as that is, you’ve got to make your way through it and come out with acceptance of where you are. In general Kubler-Ross was correct and it wasn’t just about death and dying. There is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. I need to get to the acceptance stage before I move on to another relationship.

 

My head tells me that under the current circumstances she no longer necessarily deserves a second chance with me, should her other relationship not work out. That will be my decision should that occur and if it does, I have decision to make and I will set the tone for how any second chance relationship proceeds. That may sound sexist to some, but it will be right or it will not be.

 

My head tells me that discretion is the better part of valor. It is no more helpful for me to burn a bridge than it is to jump headlong back into a hurtful situation. It will take the course it takes in the time that it takes. No action by me to try to force anything to a desired conclusion will work.

 

So what does my heart tell me? My heart tells me three things, none of which have anything to do with her coming back to me. My head will have to rule that situation should it occur.

 

My heart tells me that if you really care or love someone, that you should never deprive them of their own happiness even if that means that you have to give them up for good. To try to hold her back is maybe a greater injustice to her than what she did to me.

 

My heart tells me that if I come out of this with bitterness towards her, it is a lose-lose situation for me. I have lost her and I have lost part of my soul. I can lose her, but I want to be a better person for it.

 

My heart tells me above all else that I must forgive her to move on.

 

Thanks to all of you. I will be OK.