My "definition" of self-confidence

[RecordProducer]

This morning, I was led by my thoughts to a spontaneous conclusion that self-confidence is nothing but knowing who you are and liking who you are. And indeed, most non-confident people state that they don't like themselves, whether it be their looks or lifestyle or character.

 

People who don't like their own personalities are ashamed and think that others are better than them, so they act accordingly - either pretend to be someone else or withdraw. In both cases suffering is inevitable. Most of the time, they use sporadic techniques to prove the world and themselves that they are worthwhile. They may use various tools of power to boost their identity and make up for the lack of it.

 

If you like your qualities and accept your faults, you are in harmony and peace with yourself. There is nothing worse than looking yourself in the mirror and subconsciously knowing that if you had to choose who you'd be, you wouldn't choose YOU.

 

We are in a way "married" to ourselves. We have what's given to us, but we see ourselves with objective eyes from inside. And sometimes we don't like what we see. And that's when we develop insecurities that create the spiral effect of self-disgust and the roller coaster of coping with it.

 

If my two "married" elements are R and P, then R and P have to get along. When I lived with my mom, I would have a fight with her and start building up ager in a futile attempt to persuade myself that I had a right to yell at her and she was wrong. Until a point when I would actually tell myself "Come on, admit it, you were just being a bitch to your mother!," I would struggle with false excuses and rage. The moment R tells P "You were just a bitch!" and P replies: "You are right", I find peace within myself. R and P agree and everything is fine.

 

If you compare it to Freud's theory of id, ego, and superego then who you really are would contain the id and ego, while the superego would represent what you want to see in yourself - just as Freud described it.

 

So to make this post more constructive, what's the point of it? You have to admit to yourself who you really are and come to terms with your faults. Don't disguise the bad sides, just try to improve them. Make your good qualities make up for your faults. Be gentle and forgiving to yourself, but be self-critical in a constructive way. Imagine that there is a another you and be as judgmental and helpful as you would be to the other person.

 

R told P: "You must stop drinking, you act like a peace of sh*t when you drink!" P said: "You are right. And although you know I had my reasons for drinking, it's time for me to stop so I will and you won't be ashamed of me anymore." There was no desire and stamina for improvement until I realized who I really was when I was drinking; until I said to myself "I am sick of your drinking!" just like I would say it to a close family member. You ARE the closest family member to yourself so act like one!

 

Often, we need good influence from aside and, do we know it well, bad influence can make us very insecure. Stay away from people and situations that make you feel bad. Concentrate on getting objective assessment of your qualities, something like grades at school. Don't despair because you're not who you want to be - just work on yourself and embrace the traits you can't change. If you think you are mean or selfish or ungrateful at times, just admit it to yourself and the magical way to overcome that fault will find its path to your mind. If you're not good at some things, admit it and concentrate on the areas where you're good and feel comfortable. If you don't like how you look, say to yourself: OK, I don't like my face, but I realize that charm is more important so I will make it up in that field.

 

Why we like self-confident people is because we instinctively assume that those who are NOT confident are NOT good. Hence all the fake self-confidence among people. Never assume that someone is confident just because they act like they are! The true self-confidence is buried deep within your psyche and its ultimate product is the feeling of loving and accepting oneself with all the good and bad sides in a journey of constant improvement. Explore your own personality and discover your inner self. There is a whole world living in your mind - make it a pleasant and comfortable place to live in.

[RecordProducer]

I forgot to say the most important thing, which basically inspired me to think about this subject: we always tell posters to build their confidence up. I think wishing to do so is the first step, but it's more complicated than that; it comprises all spheres of our personality so on has to take a deep look into his psyche. A confident demeanor is just the tip of the ice berg that might easily be fake and artificially built as a mask of defense mechanism.

 

The real self-confidence is the "peace of mind" and it doesn't have to surface as energetic assertiveness or irresistible charm.

[magichands]

We are in a way "married" to ourselves. We have what's given to us, but we see ourselves with objective eyes from inside. And sometimes we don't like what we see. And that's when we develop insecurities that create the spiral effect of self-disgust and the roller coaster of coping with it.

I think you've been watching too much Dr Phil. But the really bad news is that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

[Island Girl]

the really bad news is that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

 

Ah ha - UNLESS the person is able to recognize decisions/motivators and address them to change self - by doing so CHANGES future behavior.

 

--- And Record Producer, you are right on. Self-confidence is self-worth, self-love, etc. True confidence comes out from comfort in one's own skin with one's self.

[magichands]

And Record Producer, you are right on.

She always is. It's like she's got this sixth sense for bullsh*t.

[RecordProducer]

I think you've been watching too much Dr Phil. But the really bad news is that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

I've never ever watched Dr. Phil in my life. I don't even know what he looks like or who he is.

 

I just moved to the US 8 months ago.

[magichands]

I just moved to the US 8 months ago.

That explains why you're so bright. But we'll knock you down to our level before too long.

 

Do you have cable? That would be a good start.

[monkey00]

 

People who don't like their own personalities are ashamed and think that others are better than them, so they act accordingly - either pretend to be someone else or withdraw. In both cases suffering is inevitable. Most of the time, they use sporadic techniques to prove the world and themselves that they are worthwhile. They may use various tools of power to boost their identity and make up for the lack of it.

 

 

In other words such people try to boost their self-worth in their eyes and eyes of others by lying or making up stories in an attempt to look cool/normal.

 

IMO confidence can be broken down to infinite branches. You can be confident in your sports/social abilities but be unconfident with women, or vice versa..and the list goes on. Personally i find a major key to becoming as confident as you can in life is placing yourself in (awkward) social situations/settings and learning from your mistakes. Of course being well rounded helps with all aspects of your life as it makes you wiser and more knowledgeable; the end result of life's trials and tribulations is the simultaneous gain of maturity & confidence, working hand in hand.

 

The second most important thing is to have ambition/goals, not having either makes you a lost puppy. Not knowing what you want out of life is about the same as not knowing who you are, it works hand in hand. Be decisive, have determination, and do what you say.

 

But i believe the strength of confidence comes from lack of fear (or belief that you've mastered your fear(s) in a specific area). If someone was afraid of heights (and possibly fear of death), what are the odds he would bungie dive off a bridge or go skydiving?

Now take that same person without the fear of heights (and death) and throw him off a plane with a parachute on his back.

- if a person fears what others think of him when he speaks his mind, odds are he'll keep to himself.

 

possessing confidence is about mastering yourself, your willingness to learn, your potential, your limits, and conquering your fears. Being well rounded always pays off of course...who wants to talk to you if you have nothing interesting to talk about?

[BenThereDunThat]

I think you've been watching too much Dr Phil. But the really bad news is that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

 

I totally disagree with this. What's the saying - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Or something like that.

 

If you can recognize what doesn't work, and make moves to change it, you won't repeat past behavior.

 

Self-confidence is definitely the foundation. "Finding yourself" is so cliche, but if you don't know yourself, faults and all, you can't even begin to build that strong foundation.

 

Or, whatever, can't really organize my thoughts on this right now.

 

But I hear ya, RP, and agree.

 

And Dr. Phil? :sick:

[magichands]

I totally disagree with this.

This is consistent with past behaviour.

[BenThereDunThat]

This is consistent with past behaviour.

 

But you just make it so easy, MH!!

 

[Guest]

And Dr. Phil?

 

Dr. Phil and thousands of other self-help gurus not to mention counselors, therapists, etc. etc. have said the exact same thing thousands of times.

 

Which only goes to show that people base their opinions about something being said on who's saying it rather than what's being said.

[BenThereDunThat]

Dr. Phil and thousands of other self-help gurus not to mention counselors, therapists, etc. etc. have said the exact same thing thousands of times.

 

Which only goes to show that people base their opinions about something being said on who's saying it rather than what's being said.

 

A lot of times I do agree with what he says - it's just him I don't like. Sure, if someone else said it, I'd be more receptive to it.

 

That's how life is though. No new revelation there.

 

I just don't like his "vibe," for lack of a better word.

[magichands]

Which only goes to show that people base their opinions about something being said on who's saying it rather than what's being said.

Thank you for the wonderful insight, Guest. You really get around.

[magichands]

A lot of times I do agree with what he says - it's just him I don't like.

Those piercing blue eyes see right into your soul. I think you're just scared.

[BenThereDunThat]

Those piercing blue eyes see right into your soul. I think you're just scared.

 

You caught me!! I have hot, sweaty dreams of him AND Rush Limbaugh. Together.

 

OK, no more thread jacking....

 

Carry on!

[RecordProducer]

She always is. It's like she's got this sixth sense for bullsh*t.

Hahah!

IMO confidence can be broken down to infinite branches. You can be confident in your sports/social abilities but be unconfident with women, or vice versa..and the list goes on.

Hm... actually my whole idea of self-confidence was that you accept your weaknesses, not that you feel insecure about them. If you know that you're good at art, but not good at finances and you feel bad around people who are good at it. That's exactly my point - you let your desire to be good at it interfere with your self-esteem. The "healthiest" thing would be to admit it that you're not good at it and just act accordingly (let others teach you). But if you feel bad, you will try to prove everyone that you're actually good (fake it) and make mistakes which will make you even more insecure. I have a friend who would benefit a lot from learning audio production from me, but he is so proud (insecure) that despite of my offer to show him what I know, he never accepted it. Moreover, he feels insecure around me and he is always teaching ME how to make good production. And since I want to help him, I tell him honestly that it's not the right way, which makes him feel even worse. If he were secure, he would admit to himself that he knows nothing (instead, he says his equipment is not good enough), learn from me, and reach his maximum.

 

It's self-confidence when you admit that you didn't get the joke, not when you pretend that you think it's funny, because the reason why you pretend comes from the thought "If I admit I didn't get it, they (I) will think I am dumb!" The truth is: nobody will think you're dumb and you will feel much better if you're honest to yourself.

 

As Magichands said, I have a 6th sense for BS. But there are a bazillion other things that I am not good at and if I would let myself feel bad about it, I should drown in insecurities. I am not a business lady and I will never be. If I pretend that I CAN be, I will pile failures and insecurities in my mind. I am an artist and this is my strength.

 

Now check this, it's important... For a certain period of time, I let my husband and his family look down at me for being an (unemployed) artist and it cut off my creative juices. And this is an example of how other people can influence your own self-esteem in a good/bad way. I simply didn't work and felt very bad about it. Then my old pal, producer, gave me a task and boosted my self-esteem by many compliments about my work. My inspiration and self-esteem came back. Now I feel good and even rejected my husband's offer to be his business partner in a new project/company. He is shocked by my rejection - I refused to make a good salary and own 1/4 of the profits/stocks. I said I wanted to work on my music. I cannot run away from my ME for an easy, attractive offer. Why? Because I won't be happy if R escapes from P.

 

The second most important thing is to have ambition/goals, not having either makes you a lost puppy. Not knowing what you want out of life is about the same as not knowing who you are, it works hand in hand. Be decisive, have determination, and do what you say.

I absolutely agree with this. On that note, I think the thrill of getting closer and closer to your goal is more exciting than the achievement of it. But setting goals does come from self-confidence; it's the strength and expectation that you can do it. Choosing your goals also has to do with what you feel comfortable about. I think people are led by their golas instinctively, like butterflies are attracted to light. You have the urge to walk toward them, it comes from inside. Often we achieve goals without seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Mozart's erath goal was to become a royal composer, which he never did. His goal was never to compose a large opus of wonderful compositions - he did this instinctively. As a result, his immortal art became an achieved goal. He never found out how popular he became.

 

But i believe the strength of confidence comes from lack of fear (or belief that you've mastered your fear(s) in a specific area). If someone was afraid of heights (and possibly fear of death), what are the odds he would bungee dive off a bridge or go skydiving?

Now take that same person without the fear of heights (and death) and throw him off a plane with a parachute on his back.

- if a person fears what others think of him when he speaks his mind, odds are he'll keep to himself.

I think self-confidence is NOT expressed in not having fears. You can have fears and be very self-confident. I admit I am afraid to bungee-jump because I can't stand the fast up-and-downs physically and I am afraid that an accident may happen to me. I INSIDE don't think I am a coward because of this. But even if I am, I am not going to do something against my comfort just to prove myself that I have no fear, unless I find the fear exciting some day.

 

If you were gay 30 years ago, you wouldn't want to brag about it, because that would significantly influence your life in a very bad way. So you can hide it and still be self-confident, as long as you're being honest to yourself: "I am gay, I am OK, I am comfortable with my preference, and I will live with a man, but we will hide it from the world, because it's suits us more than to be brave and risk to ruin our lives." As long as you know that it's others who are possibly bad for NOT accepting your preference - and NOT YOU, because you're gay - you will feel good about yourself.

 

possessing confidence is about mastering yourself, your willingness to learn, your potential, your limits, and conquering your fears. Being well rounded always pays off of course...who wants to talk to you if you have nothing interesting to talk about?

Exactly. And in the long run, self-confidence will bring you more than friends or lovers or success at work - it'll bring you a good feeling about who you are. The rest may or may not come. Self-confidence is not a separate animal that exists for itself in your mind (like your pure intelligence or sexy body); it's connected to your whole personality and interacts with the rest of you.

 

Dr. Phil and thousands of other self-help gurus not to mention counselors, therapists, etc. etc. have said the exact same thing thousands of times.

Does that mean that I am equally smart/stupid as Dr. Phil, because I've never watched one single show of his?

 

Which only goes to show that people base their opinions about something being said on who's saying it rather than what's being said.

... and you're a good example of it!

 

This is a typical example of my whole theory: instead of coming here and reading the post and evaluating it in her head then posting her opinion (or not posting it)... she feels insecure about the lack of her "6th sense for BS". It makes her feel bad about herself and what does she do? She attacks by putting me down, claiming that I am just repeating what other smart people have said. They are famous psychoanalysts so they have an excuse to be smart. But I have no excuse! Frankly, I don't think my post was a big deal, but obviously she thinks it is, because she compared me with the best ones in the field. or maybe it's he...

[SmoochieFace]

Dr. Phil and thousands of other self-help gurus not to mention counselors, therapists, etc. etc. have said the exact same thing thousands of times.

 

Which only goes to show that people base their opinions about something being said on who's saying it rather than what's being said.

 

Halo Effect!

 

Simply because it's Dr. Phil, we'll buy it!

 

Now... if it's some homeless dude sitting on the kerb drinking his dinner from a paper sack who's saying it, well...

[alphamale]

I think you've been watching too much Dr Phil.

Either that or RP is getting bored and wants to re-write the dictionary

[amaysngrace]

My way to gain confidence is telling others to "f**k off" at the exact precise moment I want to say it.

[Great Gazoo]

I will have what ever your smoking RP :lmao::lmao: but yeah there are some truths there. Self confidence in some ways is going for your goal knowing that you may fail, having a relationship knowing you may be rejected. You don't care of what the end result could be. Your trust and faith lies within yourself not with others but what the hell do I know

[Moai]

I agree totally.

 

It's funny, but on a few threads lately there have been peoople with a crisis of confidence, and when I give advice (or others od in aa like mind) the whole issue of "games" comes up.

 

The fact is that confident people act a certain way. If you are confident and you like yoruself, it is impossible to get played.

 

If I am interested in a girl, call her a couple times and she doesn't call me back, I'm done. I don't have time for it. For one thing, I can tell she doesn't dig me that much, and for another I have way too much going on to worry about it. So I move on, no harm, no foul, no hurt.

 

As a woman, if a guy says he is going to call you and doesn't (more than once, everyone has emergencies), or blows you off at the last mintue, if you are confident you will cut him off and go on with your life. If he doesn't see how great you are then that is his problem.

 

Both these actions do have effects on people--they make you more desirable--but not because you are playing a game, but because you have shown that you have CONFIDENCE. And confidence is attractive.

 

Confidence is the thing that gets you dates, and gets people to want you. If someone is wondering what to do in ther relationship, for example, the answer that will always work is ACT WITH CONFIDENCE.

 

She doesn't take your calls? Forget her and move on. He breaks dates a lot? Forget him and move on.

 

You want to take your relationship to the next level and they don't? Move on. They will either come around and want you more, or they didn't want you in the first place. Big deal. A confident person will never get crushed beyond repair by a person rejecting them, or something not working out. Sure, it might hurt, but the hurt subsides. Being able to look yourself in the mirror never does.

 

As far as emotional risks, a confident person says "Bring it on! I can handle it!" while someone who is not confident doesn't want to risk the hurt. They put too much in the opinion of another person. If the relationship I am in now doesn't work out (god forbid!), I'd risk everything again in a second. I don't care how badly I get hurt, I'm still me. I ahve been hurt before, it didn't kill me...

 

For people without confidence it seems like a game, for people with confidence it is just what happens, and what you do. You don't even have to think about it.

[a4a]

I agree totally.

 

I ahve been hurt before, it didn't kill me...

 

For people without confidence it seems like a game, for people with confidence it is just what happens, and what you do. You don't even have to think about it.

 

 

Of course you will live if you get hurt again..... such is life. lil boo boo for a bit then bingo your over it. So so agree with this.

 

and you are damn right, people with confidence just keep moving ahead. They just do it without doubting their last step or the next to come.

[SmoochieFace]

Confidence is the thing that gets you dates, and gets people to want you. If someone is wondering what to do in ther relationship, for example, the answer that will always work is ACT WITH CONFIDENCE.

 

So is being a playuh and and subscribing to the junk peddled on 'seduction sites' being confident? Or is that playing games by putting on an act?

 

Perhaps we should have adiscussion on 'true vs. false confidence'...

[noclobber]

It's a great post RP.

 

Here are my thoughts on this subject.

 

We all talk about confidence but there is one important element that we seem to miss. If a man or a woman is confident then there should be some reason behind it. If Brad Pitt is confident we all know the reason. It's because of his looks and how women want him so badly. Same goes to Pamela Anderson.

 

A guy that looks like a chump or gets rejected by women all the time will not feel confident about himself. I don't think its practically possible. I, for certain, cannot feel confident or good about myself when I am being rejected by women again and again. If someone doesn't want you then the chance of you feeling confident is very less.

 

An attractive woman that gets asked out all the time will certainly feel more confident than her less attractive peers. Her confidence is arising out of her beauty and it is being proven by the fact that guys want her so much.

 

Imagine you and your girlfriend that is smoking hot are walking down a street. Assume lot of men hit on her but nobody gives you even a passing glance. Who among you two is likely to feel very confident? Obviously its your friend. The reason is simple -> She is beautiful and she is being reminded of it every time a guy hits on her or wants her. Bottom line, she is confident BECAUSE of a reason, the reason in this case is her attractive face and body.

 

I simple cannot imagine someone being confident WITHOUT a reason to back up that attitude. An ugly fat woman or a short bald man that get rejected by the opposite sex cannot feel confident. That is just the reality.

 

On the personal front I have lost lot of my self-confidence in this year after I was rejected my female friend. I may be a good person, a great guy, funny, awesome personality, good education/good job.... but nothing mattered in the end. I was not wanted... the rejection hurt and has drained my confidence.