My "definition" of self-confidence

[Moai]

I haven't ever read one of those seduction sites. I can't imagine any of their advice would be effective, though.

 

I would imagine that the guys reading those sites don't have confidence, and that if they tried to implement said "advice" it wouldn't work.

 

I don't think self-help books work, and I don't think that pop-psychology practitioners like Dr. Phil work, either--I have not watched his show so I could be wrong.

 

I agree that there is such a thing as "real" and "fake" confidence. The fake kind is what jerks have. The real kind is what "men" have. I think intially they can appear the same, but over time which one you have will show through. That's why the jerks I know who get lots of girls can't keep a relationship for longer than 6 months. And, as they have gotten older, they are lamenting that. All the sex they may have gotten isn't holding lonliness at bay anymore, and they find that they cannot connect with women in a real way. Too bad for them.

[SmoochieFace]

A guy that looks like a chump or gets rejected by women all the time will not feel confident about himself. I don't think its practically possible. I, for certain, cannot feel confident or good about myself when I am being rejected by women again and again. If someone doesn't want you then the chance of you feeling confident is very less.

 

On the personal front I have lost lot of my self-confidence in this year after I was rejected my female friend. I may be a good person, a great guy, funny, awesome personality, good education/good job.... but nothing mattered in the end. I was not wanted... the rejection hurt and has drained my confidence.

 

You are making it sound as if the only barometer of 'confidence' is whether you are wanted by the opposite sex.

 

Confidence can be had in many different areas of life besides relating to the opposite sex. Are you saying that ALL of your confidence was drained by being rejected?

 

Sounds like you need to find a way to quit placing all your eggs in the 'do women want me' basket. JMO.

[noclobber]

You are making it sound as if the only barometer of 'confidence' is whether you are wanted by the opposite sex.

 

Confidence can be had in many different areas of life besides relating to the opposite sex. Are you saying that ALL of your confidence was drained by being rejected?

 

Sounds like you need to find a way to quit placing all your eggs in the 'do women want me' basket. JMO.

 

No I am not saying that only in reference to the opposite sex.

 

I used it only as an example.

 

I am not on this forum talking about how confident I am as an Engineer. I am not going to talk about how confident I feel because I know UNIX in and out.

 

This is a relationship forum so I wanted to use how confident I am when it comes to finding love analogy.

[SmoochieFace]

No I am not saying that only in reference to the opposite sex.

 

I used it only as an example.

 

I am not on this forum talking about how confident I am as an Engineer. I am not going to talk about how confident I feel because I know UNIX in and out.

 

This is a relationship forum so I wanted to use how confident I am when it comes to finding love analogy.

 

But you seem to be allowing your lack of confidence when it comes to women to have a major impact on you. I remember a post of yours sometime ago about this issue that elicited some strong responses... almost as if you were being shaken by them to quit bemoaning your lack of success with women and instead focus on those aspects of your life that are great.

 

This is one response in particular...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=834261&postcount=90

[noclobber]

But you seem to be allowing your lack of confidence when it comes to women to have a major impact on you. I remember a post of yours sometime ago about this issue that elicited some strong responses... almost as if you were being shaken by them to quit bemoaning your lack of success with women and instead focus on those aspects of your life that are great.

 

This is one response in particular...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=834261&postcount=90

 

Wow! I really can't believe you pulled up that one post by Walk in response to my ramblings.

 

Well anyway... yes I got shaken a lot and allowed the rejection by one woman to have a major impact on me. I am not denying that fact.

 

But the reason it's having such a huge impact is because I have never had a relationship with a woman before... at all. I, obviously, won't be so worked up if I have to deal with just one rejection.

 

In my life I can see the same thing happening again and again and again...... either the girl that I like will already be taken or she will like me but we won't get togther for some reason (in the last case it was religious difference). I am now sick and tired and wondering whether I shud even try any more. I am 31 years old and feel shameful that I didn't have even 1 girlfriend so far. And when I walk out on the streets and see young couples I wonder how come it's so easy for them but there are so many hurdles when it comes to me...

 

It's human nature to worry about the one thing that they don't have. And in my case it's been happening repeatedly.

[RecordProducer]

I must say, I am a tiny bit surprised that you're making confidence a dating problem. Dating is a very little sphere of our life once you get married. I for example don't need to date anymore, but I need self-confidence IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY!!!

 

I happen to be comfortable in my own skin and although I am not saying it's enough for happiness, it's certainly a good start. You can't be happy in any area of life if you don't like yourself.If you secretly dream of being someone else then it interferes with your choices, goals, behavior, feelings, and enthusiasm for life.

 

You have to have a reason to love yourself. I stopped drinking when my mom told me: "Start loving yourself already!" Somehow it turned some button on inside me and I realized that I was being cruel to myself and I would love myself more if I had mercy and quit drinking.

 

You do NOT need self-confidence in order to catch women. All you need is a good story and mask. We constantly mix charm with confidence. This was not a post on how to build confidence in order to date more girls. It was about us loving our qualities, accepting our faults, and constantly improve all our traits in order to make our minds a pleasant place to live in.

[SmoochieFace]

Wow! I really can't believe you pulled up that one post by Walk in response to my ramblings.

 

...

 

I have a sharp memory indeed.

 

 

Well anyway... yes I got shaken a lot and allowed the rejection by one woman to have a major impact on me. I am not denying that fact.

 

But the reason it's having such a huge impact is because I have never had a relationship with a woman before... at all. I, obviously, won't be so worked up if I have to deal with just one rejection.

 

In my life I can see the same thing happening again and again and again...... either the girl that I like will already be taken or she will like me but we won't get togther for some reason (in the last case it was religious difference). I am now sick and tired and wondering whether I shud even try any more. I am 31 years old and feel shameful that I didn't have even 1 girlfriend so far. And when I walk out on the streets and see young couples I wonder how come it's so easy for them but there are so many hurdles when it comes to me...

 

It's human nature to worry about the one thing that they don't have. And in my case it's been happening repeatedly.

 

Not trying actually may be a good thing. I stopped 'trying' long ago and I allowed them to approach me. It does happen and it does work. Don't listen to the naysayers who will tell you to never quit trying. Many of those naysayers are the macho bad boy types who are insecure underneath all that BS they are cloaked in. Chances are they haven't had good experiences themselves.

 

Why do you feel 'shameful'? Are you trying to live up to what society is telling you about this?

[SmoochieFace]

All you need is a good story and mask.

 

Oh boy. Back to being a 'faker'. Terrific... back to playing games.

 

Whatever... thank god I am not in the dating 'jungle'... jeez...

[noclobber]

I must say, I am a tiny bit surprised that you're making confidence a dating problem. Dating is a very little sphere of our life once you get married. I for example don't need to date anymore, but I need self-confidence IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY!!!

 

I happen to be comfortable in my own skin and although I am not saying it's enough for happiness, it's certainly a good start. You can't be happy in any area of life if you don't like yourself.If you secretly dream of being someone else then it interferes with your choices, goals, behavior, feelings, and enthusiasm for life.

 

You have to have a reason to love yourself. I stopped drinking when my mom told me: "Start loving yourself already!" Somehow it turned some button on inside me and I realized that I was being cruel to myself and I would love myself more if I had mercy and quit drinking.

 

You do NOT need self-confidence in order to catch women. All you need is a good story and mask. We constantly mix charm with confidence. This was not a post on how to build confidence in order to date more girls. It was about us loving our qualities, accepting our faults, and constantly improve all our traits in order to make our minds a pleasant place to live in.

 

My posts are being taken in a different way.

 

What I am trying to say RP is this -> I cannot simply be a confident person when I keep failing again and again in the one area which matters the most for me (i am well accomplished in other areas).

 

I am saying that if a person is confident then there has to be some reasons. That's why I gave Brad Pitt and Pamela as examples. For them its their looks and the attention it draws from the opposite sex.

 

I seriously cannot imagine an ugly fat woman that is repeatedly rejected or not wanted by any man to feel confident.

 

How confident would you feel if you keep failing again and again or being denied a chance repeatedly in the recording industry or whatever that you are so interested in?

[Moai]

NC, look at the women you have been chosing.

 

You said yourself that the women you like are already taken or there is some barrier that keeps you apart--in the last case it was religion.

 

Why do you keep chosing women who are unavailable? Think about that.

 

You say you are confident in other areas of your life, but if that were true it would extend into the dating arena.

 

There is no way you should fall for a girl who is already taken if you are confident. Why? Because if you were confident, the first thing you would have done when you saw them would be to ask them out on a date! If they say "No, I have a boyfriend." then move on. No emotional investment on your part whatsoever.

 

Also, don't count rejection because a woman is in a relationship as personal rejection. It's just the situation.

 

IN your "just friends" thing, yuo told her that you wanted more, she said no, and you should have moved on right there. It doesn't matter how nice she is, or if she thinks that you should be friends because you are so awesome--by staying in the relationship you are settling for less than you want. That is not what confident people do! You would say, "I am not getting what I want here. I am going to go find it somewhere else." End of story.

 

I am sure you are the wonderful person you say you are. Why leave that at the door when it comes to dating?

 

Everyone gets rejected. In fact, you get rejected moer often than you succeed in the dating world. Confident people focus on their successes, not their failures. Every rejection you get should make you strogner, and make you better the next time you approach someone. The very next person you approach could be the one. Why give up?

 

The patterns in your dating life are created by you. Obviously, you aren't getting the feedback you want with your current behavior. So, CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. The first step is to ask yourself why you go after unavailable women.

 

To say that you don't know they are unavailable until its too late is a copout. You should know right up front what the situation is. You find this out by asking them out. Be nice, but be blunt. "How about a date Friday?" wroks well. Keep doing it, and you'll find your own style. You should be asking out every attractive girl you lay eyes on. You are going to hear "No" a lot. but you'll hear "yes" a lot, too.

 

You need to learn to be confident regardless of what a particular woman thinks of you. Or anyone, for that matter. The onlly opinion that matters is yours.

[noclobber]

Thanks for your advice Moai.

 

I don't intentionally go after taken women. Usually its like this: I will find a girl attractive and drawn towards her. I will make the first move and then learn that she has a boyfriend already OR she will be available and like me as well but due to some f*cked up reasons it won't take off.

 

I will give couple of examples to explain it better:

 

1) I am from India and I hope you know that the culture there is very restrictive. Boys are considered lucky if they can just manage to just talk with a girl. Especially the time when I was very young things were very strict. When I was in high school I liked a girl a lot and she felt the same too. Things went very well. But due to the horrible culture and situation we both had to everything very very secretly. And by everything I mean talking to each other. We grew on each other and one fine day she told me those three wonderful words! But I couldn't convert it into a relationship because of the hostile culture. I had to give up on her....

 

2) When I came to the USA I first went to a university in Oklahoma. There was an American girl that seemed to like me a lot. She didn't make it explicit though and we both kept it at the flirting level. I later decided transfer to the East Coast and was getting ready to leave Oklahoma. Just couple of hours before my flight we both accidentally met at a hall way. She came running towards me from the other end and hugged me so tight. I could see the happiness on her face. I then told her that I am leaving for good and she broke into tears..... It was very apparent that she liked me but my bad luck had kicked-in.

 

3) After I moved to the East Coast and to a new university my luck continued in the same way. There was one incident when I asked an attractive girl for directions and we talked for like 5 minutes. By the end of the conversation she said "I really like your personality.. can i get your email?". We exchanged emails and arranged for a lunch date. But she didn't turn up... She later said that she didn't have time for a relationship as she had to focus on her studies...

 

4) There was an Indian girl that I liked a lot and she too liked me... Just when we were growing on each other her ex-boyfriend came back into the picture and took her back. He always had an animosity against me and he just cudn't bear to see me with his ex. So he took her back just to frustrate the heck out of me. And that dumb girl went back to him knowing full well that he was a jerk...

 

5) After I finished my college I couldn't get a job and was planning to move to California. Just when I was about to leave I realized that one Japanese born Indian girl had a huge crush on me. I didn't know about this at all and by the time I knew it, it was late because I had to leave to California...

 

A lot more incidents like this have happened.... every time its the same thing.

 

And of course what happened with the last girl has completely wiped off whatever confidence I had. Everything looked great until she opened her mouth and said "I will only marry a Jew".

 

I haven't lost confidence in my abilities but I have lost confidence in how situations will pan out. You get my drift? It's like its not meant to be for me....

 

How can I know that a girl will have a boyfriend or not before I even talk to her? How can I know that some weird stuff will happen and get in the way? and how the bloody heck am I supposed to know that in a country like America there are still people that will want to marry only with their own religion?

 

I am now 31 years old and feel like the same shyt will continue to happen regardless of who I am as a person

[Guest]

Does that mean that I am equally smart/stupid as Dr. Phil, because I've never watched one single show of his?

 

No it means this is not some big major revelation but it's amusing to watch people who denigrate the authors of self-help books think that this is such a great piece of advice. Had they bothered to read a self-help book, they'd have heard it long ago.

 

And then others of us just figure it out sooner.

 

You do NOT need self-confidence in order to catch women. All you need is a good story and mask.

 

Ah there we go. Fine advice that. Pretend to be something you're not to trick someone into liking you. Then, when you've hooked the person, show your true self.

 

You forgot to add: 'and then expect to be left over and over again when your true colours finally show'. Of course, if you've played your cards right, you get a nice big divorce settlement, right RP?

[RecordProducer]

Moai, I like your posts, but I have to partially disagree. I see self-confidence from the peaceful, spiritual viewpoint and you see it from the aggressive dating-scene point. Sure, Noc can put some "make-up" on and fake a macho guy, but the whole point of TRUE confidence is to be who you are.

 

Changing for the purpose of self-improvement is constructive, but changing in order to please other people's needs and tailoring your own personality according to other people's tastes is self-destructive.

 

If you want to bring a woman to bed for a one-night stand, go ahead, fake it as much as you want, manipulate the situation (not saying this from a moral standpoint), and achieve your short-term goal. But if you want a friend or lover to accept you and love you for who you are, you should be who you are. If you have to change to just attract someone for the first date, kiss or sex, how are you going to keep them in love with you? How are you going to fake your whole life (even if it were possible) without resenting yourself?

 

When you try to change in order that someone else likes you, it's denying your real personality, admitting to yourself that you're not good enough and taking a different identity that will blow up like a bubble of soap at the first challenge.

 

Self-confidence is about self-acceptance. It's not about being convinced that you're the best in the world in everything. You WILL be sad about some of your traits, but you have to look at it from the optimistic point of view. You DO have the capacity to be happy with what's given to you. You don't have to take life and yourself too seriously. You're only here temporarily so why worry so much?

 

I've seen ugly and stupid people being very content with their lives and I've seen good-looking, intelligent people miserable and drown in sadness. Most of the misery in our lives comes from our own small-mindedness expressed through jealousy, unreasonable anger, envy, insecurities, unrealistic demands, unnecessary worries, and absence of motivation or enthusiasm.

 

Imagine that you have amnesia and don't know anything about yourself and your life. How would you feel and what would you do first? If you give in to this fantasy, you'll see that for a moment the excitement of being "reborn" with blank history and knowledge about yourself would lead you to do constructive things. How would you search for your personality? You would probably want to explore your skills and talents. At that moment you would have no insecurities whatsoever. You would start learning about yourself from a scratch and ACCEPT whatever you discover as a fact.

[monkey00]

 

For people without confidence it seems like a game, for people with confidence it is just what happens, and what you do. You don't even have to think about it.

 

Right on!

 

But wait, NC has pirated this post !!

 

 

We all talk about confidence but there is one important element that we seem to miss. If a man or a woman is confident then there should be some reason behind it. If Brad Pitt is confident we all know the reason. It's because of his looks and how women want him so badly. Same goes to Pamela Anderson.

You're limiting yourself here, confidence comes in many forms, shapes, and most importantly life experiences. Attractiveness can add to one's confidence, but its certainly not the end all be all of things related to general confidence.

This post is about general confidence, so i wont go in depth about attraction nor dating.

A guy that looks like a chump or gets rejected by women all the time will not feel confident about himself. I don't think its practically possible. I, for certain, cannot feel confident or good about myself when I am being rejected by women again and again. If someone doesn't want you then the chance of you feeling confident is very less.

Rejection hurts yes. ONLY if you place value/importance on that person. Would it hurt you if you were rejected by a stranger in the street?

In your situation it hurts because you place too much importance on that 1 girl. If she's not into you, thats ok there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are over 1 million people in this world, what are the odds you cant find someone?

 

An attractive woman that gets asked out all the time will certainly feel more confident than her less attractive peers. Her confidence is arising out of her beauty and it is being proven by the fact that guys want her so much.

You dont know that. her less attractive peers could be happily married or has someone in their life already...possiblities are endless.

guys MAY want the pretty girl, but it could just be for the sex.

 

Imagine you and your girlfriend that is smoking hot are walking down a street. Assume lot of men hit on her but nobody gives you even a passing glance. Who among you two is likely to feel very confident? Obviously its your friend. The reason is simple -> She is beautiful and she is being reminded of it every time a guy hits on her or wants her. Bottom line, she is confident BECAUSE of a reason, the reason in this case is her attractive face and body.

If a guy/girl is attractive and knows it, and is confident about it. Why would they need to be reminded what they already know?

 

I simple cannot imagine someone being confident WITHOUT a reason to back up that attitude. An ugly fat woman or a short bald man that get rejected by the opposite sex cannot feel confident. That is just the reality.

There are plenty of ways to back up confidence. Be it with your personality, your family, your success (or goals/ambitions). But it falls back on which aspect of your life you're lacking in confidence.

 

On the personal front I have lost lot of my self-confidence in this year after I was rejected my female friend. I may be a good person, a great guy, funny, awesome personality, good education/good job.... but nothing mattered in the end. I was not wanted... the rejection hurt and has drained my confidence.

 

My friend you still need to get over the 'physical beauty = confidence' equation, it's unrealistic. I happen to know or have met people who are attractive yet possess weak personalities and dont possess confidence. You should stop looking at it as a reason to possess confidence.

Rejection hurts, but you need to move on with life.

 

Attraction is a whole other category from physical beauty.

You can have one and not have the other.

It's possible to have both, as it is easily possible to not have either.

[SmoochieFace]

Thanks for your advice Moai.

 

I don't intentionally go after taken women. Usually its like this: I will find a girl attractive and drawn towards her. I will make the first move and then learn that she has a boyfriend already OR she will be available and like me as well but due to some f*cked up reasons it won't take off.

 

I will give couple of examples to explain it better:

 

1) I am from India and I hope you know that the culture there is very restrictive. Boys are considered lucky if they can just manage to just talk with a girl. Especially the time when I was very young things were very strict. When I was in high school I liked a girl a lot and she felt the same too. Things went very well. But due to the horrible culture and situation we both had to everything very very secretly. And by everything I mean talking to each other. We grew on each other and one fine day she told me those three wonderful words! But I couldn't convert it into a relationship because of the hostile culture. I had to give up on her....

 

2) When I came to the USA I first went to a university in Oklahoma. There was an American girl that seemed to like me a lot. She didn't make it explicit though and we both kept it at the flirting level. I later decided transfer to the East Coast and was getting ready to leave Oklahoma. Just couple of hours before my flight we both accidentally met at a hall way. She came running towards me from the other end and hugged me so tight. I could see the happiness on her face. I then told her that I am leaving for good and she broke into tears..... It was very apparent that she liked me but my bad luck had kicked-in.

 

3) After I moved to the East Coast and to a new university my luck continued in the same way. There was one incident when I asked an attractive girl for directions and we talked for like 5 minutes. By the end of the conversation she said "I really like your personality.. can i get your email?". We exchanged emails and arranged for a lunch date. But she didn't turn up... She later said that she didn't have time for a relationship as she had to focus on her studies...

 

4) There was an Indian girl that I liked a lot and she too liked me... Just when we were growing on each other her ex-boyfriend came back into the picture and took her back. He always had an animosity against me and he just cudn't bear to see me with his ex. So he took her back just to frustrate the heck out of me. And that dumb girl went back to him knowing full well that he was a jerk...

 

5) After I finished my college I couldn't get a job and was planning to move to California. Just when I was about to leave I realized that one Japanese born Indian girl had a huge crush on me. I didn't know about this at all and by the time I knew it, it was late because I had to leave to California...

 

A lot more incidents like this have happened.... every time its the same thing.

 

And of course what happened with the last girl has completely wiped off whatever confidence I had. Everything looked great until she opened her mouth and said "I will only marry a Jew".

 

I haven't lost confidence in my abilities but I have lost confidence in how situations will pan out. You get my drift? It's like its not meant to be for me....

 

How can I know that a girl will have a boyfriend or not before I even talk to her? How can I know that some weird stuff will happen and get in the way? and how the bloody heck am I supposed to know that in a country like America there are still people that will want to marry only with their own religion?

 

I am now 31 years old and feel like the same shyt will continue to happen regardless of who I am as a person

 

 

I think you are spending way too much time and energy worrying over this and not enjoying what you DO have. Being in a relationship is not a necessity for happiness.

 

And I'm going to be a bit harsh here but you said this: "It's like it's not meant to be for me." Frankly, that statement can be true for some people. Some people just will not, for whatever reason, find him/herself in a relationship. It does happen... disheartening as it may be. Perhaps it really isn't 'meant to be' for you.

[noclobber]

I've seen ugly and stupid people being very content with their lives and I've seen good-looking, intelligent people miserable and drown in sadness. Most of the misery in our lives comes from our own small-mindedness expressed through jealousy, unreasonable anger, envy, insecurities, unrealistic demands, unnecessary worries, and absence of motivation or enthusiasm.

 

That's right. But may be it is because though they are ugly and stupid they got the things/people they wanted very much? I mean as long as you can get what you want it doesn't matter whether you are ugly/attractive/stupid/brilliant right?

 

How can someone be happy when they are repeatedly being denied of the things they want so much?

 

I actually belong to this category -> "I've seen good-looking, intelligent people miserable and drown in sadness"

 

Self-confidence is about self-acceptance. It's not about being convinced that you're the best in the world in everything. You WILL be sad about some of your traits, but you have to look at it from the optimistic point of view. You DO have the capacity to be happy with what's given to you. You don't have to take life and yourself too seriously. You're only here temporarily so why worry so much?

 

I get it now. Especially your sentence -> Self-confidence is about self-acceptance makes a lot of sense.

 

I think I know what is my problem.... I am unable to accept myself

 

I hate who I am.... I no longer like the person that is me.

 

I used to like myself a lot and even be proud of who I am.... but I am talking about 6 or 7 years back. Now it's a different story altogether.

 

Somehow I have come to believe that good things do not happen to good people.... it only happens to jerks and bad people.... And since I don't get the things/people that I want I end up resenting myself for being a good man.... I believe that that's what is stopping me from everything... I keep wishing that I was born as a bad guy so that I will get the things/people that I want

 

Every day when I look at the mirror I am seeing an ugly man that is not wanted by anyone... and then I get confused when people walking on the streets turn back and take a second look at me or give me admiring looks ....

 

I feel unhappy, unwanted, unloveable..... and completely miserable and bitter! ...... and I never imagined I will end up like this

 

monkey00, thanks for writing your thoughts. I will respond to your post soon.

[Moai]

Moai, I like your posts, but I have to partially disagree. I see self-confidence from the peaceful, spiritual viewpoint and you see it from the aggressive dating-scene point. Sure, Noc can put some "make-up" on and fake a macho guy, but the whole point of TRUE confidence is to be who you are.

 

I like your posts/threads too!

 

I agree with you. I am just saying that if you lack confidence, one step toward getting it is acting as if you already have it. It isn't about changing who you are whatsoever; it is about acting as if you already like who you are. Soon enough, you will. But, if you try to be somebody else, you'll just end up disliking yourself more.

 

I mention the dating scene aspect of it because that is what most people focus on, and that is where most people's lack of confidence shows the most. It is absolutely about finding peace with yourself and quiteing the noise in your head--be it negative self-talk or what have you.

 

Changing for the purpose of self-improvement is constructive, but changing in order to please other people's needs and tailoring your own personality according to other people's tastes is self-destructive.

 

Well said.

 

If you want to bring a woman to bed for a one-night stand, go ahead, fake it as much as you want, manipulate the situation (not saying this from a moral standpoint), and achieve your short-term goal. But if you want a friend or lover to accept you and love you for who you are, you should be who you are. If you have to change to just attract someone for the first date, kiss or sex, how are you going to keep them in love with you? How are you going to fake your whole life (even if it were possible) without resenting yourself?

 

Sure, you can lie and probably get dates and cheap sex, but that'll just make you feel worse. I'm not saying pretend to be an astronaut or something like that. What I mean is imagine who you would be if you had more confidence, and then act that way. Soon, you actually will be that way. And that is how you will attract someone, and keep them over the long haul. That's how you will get more rewards in your career. That's how you will get more satisfying friendships. That's how you will find happiness.

 

I mention the dating thing because that is the area where I lacked confidence, and have seen the most positive improvement.

 

When you try to change in order that someone else likes you, it's denying your real personality, admitting to yourself that you're not good enough and taking a different identity that will blow up like a bubble of soap at the first challenge.

 

Exactly. In my case, it was all about relaxing and not doubting (or caring) if a woman liked me or not. If she did, great, if not, yeah, it hurts but that's life. If it isn't her, it'll be someone else. I am a lovable person, and that isn't going to change just because one woman doesn't think so. And lo and behold, I met the love of my life.

 

Right now I feel more myself than at any time in my life. I don't feel the need to perform all the time, or hide how I feel. I can just "be" and it is great. All aspects of my life have improved immensely--and they weren't bad to begin with! My relationship is my favorite part, of course...

 

Self-confidence is about self-acceptance. It's not about being convinced that you're the best in the world in everything. You WILL be sad about some of your traits, but you have to look at it from the optimistic point of view. You DO have the capacity to be happy with what's given to you. You don't have to take life and yourself too seriously. You're only here temporarily so why worry so much?

 

Yep! Even when I have a bad day or experience some setbacks I'm still happy. What's the bigf deal? At least I am experiencing SOMETHING. That's what life is all about.

 

I think learning to laugh at yourself is very important. My GF taught me that. She'll do something goofy and start laughing at herself, and it is infectious. I do that a lot, too.

 

I've seen ugly and stupid people being very content with their lives and I've seen good-looking, intelligent people miserable and drown in sadness. Most of the misery in our lives comes from our own small-mindedness expressed through jealousy, unreasonable anger, envy, insecurities, unrealistic demands, unnecessary worries, and absence of motivation or enthusiasm.

 

I agree.

 

Imagine that you have amnesia and don't know anything about yourself and your life. How would you feel and what would you do first? If you give in to this fantasy, you'll see that for a moment the excitement of being "reborn" with blank history and knowledge about yourself would lead you to do constructive things. How would you search for your personality? You would probably want to explore your skills and talents. At that moment you would have no insecurities whatsoever. You would start learning about yourself from a scratch and ACCEPT whatever you discover as a fact.

 

Very well put!

[RecordProducer]

I like your posts/threads too!

Thanks.

 

What I mean is imagine who you would be if you had more confidence, and then act that way. Soon, you actually will be that way. And that is how you will attract someone, and keep them over the long haul. That's how you will get more rewards in your career. That's how you will get more satisfying friendships. That's how you will find happiness.

I totally agree with this. Fak it 'till you make it is a good start. You get to improve your life and see that you can do it. As a result, you gain self-confidence. So you start backwards - with the results coming before the real change.

 

I am a lovable person, and that isn't going to change just because one woman doesn't think so.

This is an example of self-confidence! But many people think low of themselves because sombody else injected that virus in their minds. And it's very difficult to get the virus out of your system if you're trying to please others.

 

It's never bad to be too much confident about your skills or qualities - life will find its ways to put you in the right place! Of course, this may bring disappointments, but as long as you accept them as part of your life, you'll be fine.

 

Nocclober, I think your problem with dating goes beyond self-confidence. I really think you would benefit from seeing a counselor. He will listen to you and give you some advice and help.

 

About dating... sometimes all it takes it just to change the environment where you look for a partner. I didn't like the guys in my country, I felt like a bird among frogs so I started looking on the international dating sites. And I found my hubby!

[noclobber]

Okay so I got some mental illness...... I think I am a mad person.

 

Should I go see a psychiatrist or get counselling? I am not sure what I am supposed to do.... and I don't know what they can possibly do as well.....

 

My family lives in India and I support them by sending them money every single month. I have been doing it for three years now. They think that I am a normal, responsible person. But only I know how f*cked up I am and what a total loser I have become....

 

If I check myself into some psychiatry ward then how will I continue to work and earn money?? Who will support my family??

[norajane]

1)But I couldn't convert it into a relationship because of the hostile culture. I had to give up on her....

 

No, you didn't have to give up. You could have married her and brought her to the US. You decided it was too hard to figure out a way to make it work; you did not have enough confidence to try.

 

Or, if she's still unmarried, you could go back and get her now. But, even if she is unmarried, I doubt you would have enough confidence to go back now and try to make it work.

 

2) There was an American girl that seemed to like me a lot. She didn't make it explicit though and we both kept it at the flirting level... It was very apparent that she liked me but my bad luck had kicked-in.

No, it wasn't your bad luck. You didn't need to wait for her to "make it explicit" if you were flirting and liked her. You could have asked her out right away. But you did not have enough confidence in yourself to do so.

 

3) she said "I really like your personality.. can i get your email?". We exchanged emails and arranged for a lunch date. But she didn't turn up... She later said that she didn't have time for a relationship as she had to focus on her studies...

Yes, you will have some false starts. But SHE made the move here, you did not - so, SHE WAS interested. Why would that destroy your confidence?

 

4) He always had an animosity against me and he just cudn't bear to see me with his ex. So he took her back just to frustrate the heck out of me.

I doubt it had anything to do with him just wanting to frustrate you. Perhaps seeing her with you made him really jealous and he wanted her back. In any case, if she was so easily led and easily fooled, then is she really the kind of woman you want in your life?

 

5) Just when I was about to leave I realized that one Japanese born Indian girl had a huge crush on me. I didn't know about this at all and by the time I knew it, it was late because I had to leave to California...

Do you always need to know they are crushing on you in order to ask them out? With more confidence in yourself, you'd have asked her out as soon as you met her.

 

A lot more incidents like this have happened.... every time its the same thing.

I have no doubt that you are allowing these things to happen.

 

Let me give you and a lot of other guys out there a huge tip: If you meet a girl you like, FLIRT WITH HER AND ASK HER OUT right away. Don't wait months and become friends. Don't wait until you know her better - that's what dating is for. Don't wait until you are sure she likes you - you may wait too long and miss the signals.

 

And of course what happened with the last girl has completely wiped off whatever confidence I had. Everything looked great until she opened her mouth and said "I will only marry a Jew".

Should have had the confidence to ask her out right away, and should have had enough self-awareness (knowing you couldn't be happy as just friends) and walked away as soon as she said that. BUT, you did not and compounded the pain by considering this a REJECTION, which it was not. It's not that she didn't like you. It's that she could not marry you because of her religious beliefs. Totally different things. If you were confident in yourself, you would not see this as a rejection of you personally.

 

If I check myself into some psychiatry ward then how will I continue to work and earn money?? Who will support my family??

WHY do you think you need to check into a mental health ward?

 

Getting help means going to a psychiatrist once a week or once every two weeks for an hour to talk. Your insurance probably covers it.

 

When was the last time you were in India? Bet if you go back now, you'll be the conquering hero, the smart, successful man who is in the US. The kind and generous man who takes care of his family even though he lives in the US. Perhaps there would be a girl there who would appreciate what you have to offer.

[noclobber]

WHY do you think you need to check into a mental health ward?

 

I think I need to check myself into a mental health ward because I think something is wrong with me. I am 31 years old but I am unable to fucntion like a normal adult. I am feeling very confused, worthless, and unloveable. For some reason I repeatedly keep thinking that to get the good things in life one has to be either lucky or be a bad person. I resent a lot for being a good man. I have also stopped believing in God because I am thinking HE/SHE or whatever crap that is is punishing me. In fact Religion was one of the reasons why I couldn't get the girl that I love so much.

 

If I remember well, my teen years and early 20s were so peaceful. Usually people get mature and more clear as they age but for me the opposite is happening.

 

You are right in telling that I didn't have enough confidence to ask out a girl early. But there are some reasons behind it:

 

1) I come from a different country (India). We don't have anything called as Dating there. Even if we like a girl we just can't do anything unless and until we see some kind of a signal from her. Things are changing now but back then if I go to a girl and ask her for a date most likely I will be slapped and called a bad person. I think sub-consciously it got ingrained within me even after I came to the US. Somehow I am thinking that if I ask a girl (even an American girl) on a date she will think that I am a bad person. And what would happen if she rejects me? I can't even talk to her again because of the humiliation.

 

2) The way I do things is very abnormal. Even if I find a girl attractive that would pretty much be it. There would be no further thoughts or emotions in my mind. There would be nothing there inside of myself that would trigger me to make a move on her. BUT if the same girl shows a slight interest in me I immediately set the wheels in motion. I actually start liking a girl ONLY after I see some kind of an indication from her side. I don't know why I am like this but this is how I am. You get my drift? Even with the last girl things began ONLY after she did something that made me to think that she was interested in me.

 

3) Because of the things that happened in the past (again and again) I am now thinking that it would be some sort of a miracle even if a girl just agrees to go on a date with me. Forget about relationship, sex, and love. I don't think I will be that lucky to enjoy those wonderful things.

 

4) Lastly I just don't understand on what basis a girl would agree to go on a date with a man. I do understand that if a guy finds a girl attractive he will ask her on a date but I don't know what criteria the girl would use to accept the date offer. Would she also make her decision based on physical appearence? And if you say confidence I don't understand how the girl can find out how confident he is without knowing anything about him..

 

5) When I was in the university I did ask some girls to go to the mall with me and they agreed. They were not like close friends and we just went by ourselves. But I didn't even realize that that might have very well be a date. I am learning it only now.... after becoming old (31) and after getting out of college

 

BTW I just asked a cute colleague of mine for a coffee and she agreed. We both will be going to Starbucks in another 5 minutes. I know for sure that even if everything is fine and things progress there would some obstacles like religious differences or some other crap and it won't work out.

 

--NC

[RecordProducer]

Noc, you sound very intelligent and sane to me. You're just confused and you have the "jet lag" of the mentality switch. That's very normal. If a girl comes from a mentality where sleeping around is considered a whore's behavior, even if she moves to Germany, she would feel as a whore every time she has a one-night stand, although in Germany that's a normal thing.

 

I also can't develop one bit of interest in anyone who shows no interest in me!!! Moreover, I am perfectly able to find a great guy totally unattractive if he acts reserved with me and if he doesn't notice me much. And vice versa, if someone is all over me, I can develop feelings. So here's a part of your answer: show your feelings to the girls that you find attractive even if it's just physical beauty or charm or intellectual connection. Keep asking them to go out for coffee and tell them an innocent compliment warped up nicely (for example "Your ex gave up a sweet girl like you? What a fool! or "Why did you have to buy a lip stick, you're pretty enough without it?")

You need a therapist to help you feel better, not to put you in a nut house! Whenever we are sad, we need someone to help us. We who are far away from our family have lost 50% of our security just by being apart from the ones who used to be a huge part of our lives, the ones who love us most. Talking on the phone is not enough.

 

Noc, you're simply lonely and everything you feel is normal. You might even be depressed or you just need someone to talk to. Go to a counselor, at least twice a month, at least a few times. In your case, it would really be helpful.

[noclobber]

Thanks so much RP

 

And also please accept my apologies for hijacking your thread....

 

I also can't develop one bit of interest in anyone who shows no interest in me!!! Moreover, I am perfectly able to find a great guy totally unattractive if he acts reserved with me and if he doesn't notice me much.

 

Yes, that exactly seems to be my problem. I actually don't have any problem in attracting women or lack the confidence to make a move. But the timing is all wrong because the switch that makes my wheels move doesn't get flipped until a 'certain something' happens. That 'certain something' is some kind of a signal that I get from the girl. I should probably fix this problem. Thanks for the nice advice you have given. The next time if I am physically attracted to the girl I will just make my move regardless of whether there is a trigger inside me or not

 

I am not sure whether I had mentioned this earlier. I have 3 elder sisters and I have had atleast one friend of each of my sister be extremely attracted to me. My first sister's friend declared her love for me and did a fake wedding at a temple in India (I was in 7th grade at that time). My second sister's friend used to take me to a separate room and keep kissing me and play with my tongue (when I was in 5th grade). I was so young and I didn't even know what was happening. My third sister's friend beat them all. The moment she saw me she became obsessed with me (I was in 8th grade). She was so crazy about me that all her friends started calling her "child snatcher". Her obsession never really went away... even after she got married. When I paid a visit to India this year she was still the same and secretly came out of her house often to meet me. She was holding hands and kissing me. I had to gently stop her.... I really feel sorry for her husband. I have had a conversation with her about this but I am unable to stop this girl from having deep feelings for me. It is an obsession that has lasted from 1989 until now...

 

There was one time when a guy visited my house with lot of gifts and a big cake. He was a total stranger and I had no idea who he was.. He gave the gifts to my parents and said "I happened to see your son while I was passing by this side... He is really really good looking." Needless to say my parents got freaked out...

 

These things happen because even though I am a guy I am not good looking in what you would normally term as "handsome". I am more of a "beautiful" person.... I am not exactly feminine but my face is very different... I dunno how to explain it in words....

 

These are just a few of the examples. These incidents sound so strange but in my life such things are commonplace. You can very clearly see that I am unable to get the girls that I want. It doesn't matter whether other women love me or get obsessed with me, the girls that I want I can't get

 

Until now I have experienced such bizarre incidents but till today I have never had the chance to meet a girl, ask her out, and have a normal healthy relationship. This normal thing doesn't seem to happen but there is no scarcity for other abnormal things hahaha...

 

Even in the most recent experience where the girl rejected me due to religious differences I can clearly see that she does have deep feelings but is unable to cross a barrier. She has developed a deep emotional attachment with me and at times it pretty much borders on obsessive behavior. But again nothing good came out of it.

 

But I do believe that very soon I will find love and have a healthy relationship. I will change certain things in my personality and work on myself.

 

You guys have been of great help and support. My sincere thanks to you all