I like a guy but....

[Jane]

I have known someone for over a year. At first we did not get along. He is an accountant by nature, and comes from a country outside the US where things are precise and defined. I am much more emotional, and expressive.

 

We had a small affair when he travelled to my city in the US on business. The sex was great, and the conversation was pretty good, too. I am 31, and he is 47. For me the age difference is not a problem. It does not seem to be for him as well.

 

Because we have similar professions, and work for the same company (although in different countries, and have completely different job duties), I don't feel this is an issue. The issue is that we were constantly in contact for work, and so therefore continued to stay in contact.

 

After we first had sex (he was in US for about 1 week), we conitnued communicating long distance by email and phone. Both he and I take frequent trips abroad so distance has never been an issue.

 

The issue is that we are both jealous types. He has a penchant for Asian women (which I am not), and I prefer European types. In fact, I am of European descent, as is he.

 

His formed relationships were with Asian women who in my opinion were not kind to him. I also sense alot of dysfunction in these relationships. Which is not to say I am perfect or anything; I have certainly had my fair share of drama.

 

A few months ago, we had a verbal argument over dinner about some of our ideological differences. I no longer wanted to have sex, but we remained friends. In short, sexually it is an on again off again relationship. But, we have always remained close, and continiued to keep in touch.

 

I really enjoy the sex, and usually enjoy his company. Now, I am in his country in Europe for business. He is very depressed about some personal things going on in his life.

 

For 2 weeks I feel like I have been coddling him. Sometimes he can be like a big baby. We again had sex, and cuddled alot since I have been on this trip. He wanted alot of hugging and caressing and support.

 

The other night we again had an argument. I couldn't take it anymore, I felt like I was giving 200% of myself, but was not getting the same in return. During this argument, I said some things I regretted, which he did not care for.

 

Even though we had the argument, we continue to see each other daily, like having lunch and dinner, and even hugging. Because he is depressed, he is very sensitive to my actions. He will crisiticise my voice, my smoking, in short, many things he never used to comment on.

 

I realize that when someone is depressed (and is under tha care of the doctor), they are not quite themselves. It seems to be more and more painful for us to be together.

 

I am deeply hurt, because part of me really loves this gyuy and I want to support him. I know what it feels like to feel down. The other part of me is frustrated and ready to give up.

 

He is not very emotional, so it's hard to judge his feelings for me. We just got back from dinner, and again, emotionally it was painful for both of us. We seem to be at a strange stage in our relationship. I felt like I didn't know if he even wanted to be my friend anymore.

 

What should I do? I genuinely care about this person, and don't want to abandon him. At the same time, I need to preserve my sanity. I have been giving him alot more space. Still, it is frustrating to have conflicts with someone you care about.

 

Advice anyone?

[Cici]

Your intuition that depression changes people's personalities is right on he money. It does change them, sometimes drastically, becuase with mood disorders, the patient is struggling with daily life, trying to function with an emotional handicap that can be difficult to overcome.

 

But the bounds of your relationship have also not been very clearly defined. There comes a time in every relationship, especially ones that start with sex and then intimacy follows, when you have to redefine your boundaries according to what you each need and want. And sometimes, people can beat around the bush.

 

In my current relationship, we had sex the first night I met him. There were trust issues and shame on my part...I felt like he would look down on me for being so open. There were a series of conflict between us about other little things, nd finally I sat odwn and analyzed why I was reacting so much instead of being an activeforce in the relationship. I pinpointed my insecurities and relayed them to him, and we discussed them openly. Afterwards, I felt much better. We got along better after openly discussing our feelings and needs and goals.

 

So sit down and try to think about the nature of your relationship. You care about him, you say part of you loves him. Do you know what he feels? Dealing with depression can be difficult for all people involved in the depressed person's life. Do you think you two are on the same wavelength?

[Jane]

Thanks for the response.

 

This situation has been extremely difficult for me.

 

In the past few days, it seems we are relating more and more as friends. He is not at all interested in sex, and prefers to be alone to have peace and quite. So, it does not seem to be the best environemtn for any kind of discussion. I have tried to beat around the bush, and he has made it clear that he feels I am pushing him. Also, the other night at dinner he kept staring at me, and I tried to elicit some kind of reponse - like what are you feeling. He will say he just feels neutral. Then, I asked him, well what do you want from me? His reply was "what do you want from me". I then said well, I want to be your firend, and hope you are feeling better. I got no real reply. His mood seems to be deteriorating, and now he will go to Asia for 3 weeks for a vacation.

 

Last night we went to dinner and later went to his place. We did not talk about anything personal. He finally said he was exhausted (the same as everynight about 9:30pm).He dropped me at my hotel and I said, well, it's almost the end. I go back to US, you go to Asia, and we may never see each other again. He did not really react but merely touched my shoulder. I was so embarrassed at his lack of emotion that I quickly ran out of the car.

 

I guess it seems like the timing on this is not good. He is naturally a bit taciturn and not very emotional. He seems to feel I am too highly strung, and can't handle my range of emotions.

 

Do you have any advice about how we should spend our limited remaining time together? I kind of feel like I am in a no-win situation.

 

Thanks.

 

Your intuition that depression changes people's personalities is right on he money. It does change them, sometimes drastically, becuase with mood disorders, the patient is struggling with daily life, trying to function with an emotional handicap that can be difficult to overcome. But the bounds of your relationship have also not been very clearly defined. There comes a time in every relationship, especially ones that start with sex and then intimacy follows, when you have to redefine your boundaries according to what you each need and want. And sometimes, people can beat around the bush. In my current relationship, we had sex the first night I met him. There were trust issues and shame on my part...I felt like he would look down on me for being so open. There were a series of conflict between us about other little things, nd finally I sat odwn and analyzed why I was reacting so much instead of being an activeforce in the relationship. I pinpointed my insecurities and relayed them to him, and we discussed them openly. Afterwards, I felt much better. We got along better after openly discussing our feelings and needs and goals. So sit down and try to think about the nature of your relationship. You care about him, you say part of you loves him. Do you know what he feels? Dealing with depression can be difficult for all people involved in the depressed person's life. Do you think you two are on the same wavelength?

[Cici]

Well, I'd have to say that this is a difficult situation all around. I'd like to hope that maybe he's just not good at expressing his feelings, but there may be deeper problems.

 

One thing that might be wrong is the depression. If he's going through a period of depression, this can cause his sex drive to drop. Also, certain anti-depressants have also shown a side effect of lowered sex drive. So this could be the problem...he doesn't have the same level od sexual desire and he's embarassed or doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

Another explanation for his behavior could be that he simply has lost interest in the relationship on a sexual level and is waiting for the right time to tell you.

 

Another explanation could be that he is responding to your own tentativness. I mean, at some point you have to take the proverbial bull by the horns and just come right out and say, "You've been acting odd. I don't understand what's happened between us, and I feel it's unfair of you to hide your feelings. Things have changed between us and I just want to know outright whether you would be happy as friends or you are having problems or do you just want to end all association with me?"

 

Sometimes, especially with men who have difficulty expressing themselves, you need to just ask them blatantly what the problem is. Even if you get a response that's not necessarily what you wanted, at least you'll have closure, and that will make you feel better immediately and help your recovery process over time.