relationship blues

[Rose]

Hello all. Im only 19, so I might be a little young to be looking for relationship advice. You see, I cant ask my mother (who is the only person that I feel comfortable asking questions to) because she isn't exactly the best at relationships, and oddly enough she is the one that usually asks me for advice. So, I am turning to you. Here is my problem. I have been dating this guy for about a year and a half (which is a very long time for me since my longest relationship before that was six weeks). He is 20. Anyway, im really crazy about him. We were friends first and helped eachother through other loves, our families, friends, and whatever else might come our way. We discuss everything and are best friends and lovers. My mom has told me that if she had a relationship like that then she wouldn't be going through what she has been. So, I think this might be a lasting bond between the two of us and part of me is scared about that because who wants to be thinking about marriage at 19? So, I guess I should get to what is bothering me. Like I said we have been together for a year and a half, but i am not satisfied about where we are. Im wondering if it's me. For instance, we cant just make out anymore. That was the most exciting thing for us to do. We would make out for hours and hours on end. Then we started having sex, and he just cant be content with just making out, and he doesn't enjoy it. He also doesn't do anything romantic anymore. No dinners, and I do (I REALLY DO) understand that he doesn't have any money, but everything seems to be dead. Two valentines ago he wrote me a song (he plays the guitar) and took me out for a candle light picnic with a dinner that he had made himself. This valentines I got a card. And it's not just valentines. I mean he used to do stuff like that all the time. Then it just died. No more surprises, no random car trips to a deserted field to read and kiss (JUST KISS) for the afternoon or anything like that. I mean, he tells me things that he wants to do for me, but then he's all about "oh I forgot" or "I dont really feel like it". Sex isn't loving and powerful anymore, and we dont do anything romantic unless I do it (which takes the fun out of it) THis is not to say that I think that he should do it all, but now im doing double time romantic surprises and giving ideas, ...I dont know. Hopefully someone out there knows what I am talking about and can understand what I mean. I dont know what to do. I understand that to have a life partner things are going to get comfortable. But I really hope that there is more to be had than just a few months of romanticism. Am I doing something wrong, or what?

[Tony T]

Well, I don't quite know how to tell you this...but what you describe is fairly common in relationships. Most often, when two people meet and the chemistry flairs up they are inseparable. The fireworks don't cease. The two people eat, sleep and drink each other for a period of time.

 

Well, in the very major of cases, that state does not last. Depending on the maturity, experience, age, etc. of the two people, the relationship can thrive and be very fulfilling and comfortable for a long time after that.

 

In some cases, one, the other or both members of the couple start taking each other for granted. They cease to get the great charge they once got from each other. It's sort of like a child who goes ape over a new toy, only to discard it a few weeks later in favor of another activity.

 

The chemicals that are released in the brain when two people meet who flip over each other neutralize and weaken over a period of time. After that, rationality and reason take over. It there's not a lot more to the relationship, such as common goals, shared experiences, intellectual compatibility, etc., it's sort of doomed. Passion can only carry two people for a while.

 

In some cases, the passion lasts a very long time...at some level. It's never as intense as in the beginning but I've seen some couples who've been together 50 years who still hold hands and give each other that loving look in the eyes.

 

I just don't know what I can tell you in your particular case. You may not be with the right guy. My gosh, at 19 you could meet dozens of other guys before you meet the right one. A whole lot of it has to do with timing.

 

But I guarantee that if the two of you are already in a rut, you need to get away and just be nice friends before the whole friendship is destroyed. It's really great to have a love relationship with someone you've been friends with...that part of it is just fine. But friendships are supposed to get better and more enjoyable...not become stale and boring.

 

Work on this if you want. But I think you've got a whole lot of living and loving to go before you get ready to settle down for a lifetime with the same person.

 

You've got a long, long time to find Mr. Right. Don't think that just because you had a wonderful fling with this guy he's Mr. Right. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. But if you no longer feel valued and appreciated by him, if you no longer feel he's excited and interested to be with you, if being together has become stale and boring...he doesn't sound like the right guy to me.

 

Be patient. This stuff takes time. You'll be fine. Not to worry. This could happen to you a few more times before you meet the right person.

 

Love chemicals in the brain are like drugs...LSD, cocaine, etc. As time goes on, it takes more and more of it to get the same effect. That's why you shouldn't expect things to be the same as they were in the beginning after a period of time. However, I do think they should be better for you than they are now.

 

No, don't start doing drugs for Pete's sake. Just hang in there and don't panic. True love will find it's way into your life.

[Angel]

Tony was right on. He is taking you for granted. If he is doing this now, you have a long and boring road ahead. You are both too young to settle down. You are much too young to be taken for granted---there are men out there that will love you and will not take you for granted but you must demand that for yourself---YOU---YOU must demand it, if that is what you want. You don't have to be a b... to demand it either--you sweetly expect it, and if you don't get it, you move on. They will get the picture if they want you. Don't settle for less or you will be unhappy the rest of your life. Good luck sweetie.

Well, I don't quite know how to tell you this...but what you describe is fairly common in relationships. Most often, when two people meet and the chemistry flairs up they are inseparable. The fireworks don't cease. The two people eat, sleep and drink each other for a period of time.

 

Well, in the very major of cases, that state does not last. Depending on the maturity, experience, age, etc. of the two people, the relationship can thrive and be very fulfilling and comfortable for a long time after that. In some cases, one, the other or both members of the couple start taking each other for granted. They cease to get the great charge they once got from each other. It's sort of like a child who goes ape over a new toy, only to discard it a few weeks later in favor of another activity.

 

The chemicals that are released in the brain when two people meet who flip over each other neutralize and weaken over a period of time. After that, rationality and reason take over. It there's not a lot more to the relationship, such as common goals, shared experiences, intellectual compatibility, etc., it's sort of doomed. Passion can only carry two people for a while. In some cases, the passion lasts a very long time...at some level. It's never as intense as in the beginning but I've seen some couples who've been together 50 years who still hold hands and give each other that loving look in the eyes.

 

I just don't know what I can tell you in your particular case. You may not be with the right guy. My gosh, at 19 you could meet dozens of other guys before you meet the right one. A whole lot of it has to do with timing. But I guarantee that if the two of you are already in a rut, you need to get away and just be nice friends before the whole friendship is destroyed. It's really great to have a love relationship with someone you've been friends with...that part of it is just fine. But friendships are supposed to get better and more enjoyable...not become stale and boring. Work on this if you want. But I think you've got a whole lot of living and loving to go before you get ready to settle down for a lifetime with the same person. You've got a long, long time to find Mr. Right. Don't think that just because you had a wonderful fling with this guy he's Mr. Right. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. But if you no longer feel valued and appreciated by him, if you no longer feel he's excited and interested to be with you, if being together has become stale and boring...he doesn't sound like the right guy to me. Be patient. This stuff takes time. You'll be fine. Not to worry. This could happen to you a few more times before you meet the right person.

 

Love chemicals in the brain are like drugs...LSD, cocaine, etc. As time goes on, it takes more and more of it to get the same effect. That's why you shouldn't expect things to be the same as they were in the beginning after a period of time. However, I do think they should be better for you than they are now. No, don't start doing drugs for Pete's sake. Just hang in there and don't panic. True love will find it's way into your life.