Fiance Troubles

[Melissa]

Hi,

 

Just thought I would let everyone know, that I went home yesterday, and I wrote the biggest letter to my finace.

 

He read it this morning, whilst I was still asleep, came in an apologised to me, and asked me to marry him again.

 

It was agreed that no more drinking was to be involved, and we are heading down south this weekend for a romantic time!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "we are heading down south this weekend for a romantic time!"

 

Congratulations! Do you mind if I tag along?

[Melissa]

Not at all Tony, the only thing is, I am in Australia

YOU WRITE: "we are heading down south this weekend for a romantic time!" Congratulations! Do you mind if I tag along?

 

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Not at all Tony, the only thing is, I am in Australia"

 

Not a problem, mate! The Crocodile Hunter, Steve whathisname, is a good bud of mine. I promise, we won't touch your guy!

[velvet]

Hi, Just thought I would let everyone know, that I went home yesterday, and I wrote the biggest letter to my finace. He read it this morning, whilst I was still asleep, came in an apologised to me, and asked me to marry him again. It was agreed that no more drinking was to be involved, and we are heading down south this weekend for a romantic time!

[:(]

I have been in your shoes. I was in a serious relationship with someone I learned, over time, had a major drinking problem. When I learned the truth, I was devastated. I loved him but knew how stupid it was to be with someone who's an alcoholic. Had grown up seeing aunts and uncles and my grandpa who were all drunks. Not nice. Destroys families.

 

So I told him that unless he got his act together and did something concrete about his drinking problem, that our relationship was over. At this point, I had given my notice in the place I was renting and was to be moving to live with him. I should have just stayed. Of course he didn't want to lose me so he promised me up and down that he'd get help, go to Alcoholics Anonymous, do whatever it took. All lip service.

 

His sobriety lasted a few weeks. But he became more and more moody, and it was obvious that he deeply resented me. You see, I was the thing that stood between him and the bottle of booze. He knew he'd promised me he'd quit drinking, and that if he didn't, I'd be gone, but his need for booze was overpowering (particularly cuz he wasn't getting the help and support he needed..like AA). He was evil to live with. His moods were horrible. It was, at times, like living with a Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes it was so bad that I almost wanted to just go down to the liquor store and get him a bottle of booze, just so that he'd be civil to me.

 

Then he started drinking. At first he told me that we'd have this 'rule' where he could only drink in my presence..cuz he knew then that he wouldn't overdo it. I didn't like this idea. An alcoholic can't just drink "a little bit." But I loved him and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. That first trip to the liquor store, to get some beer for a BBQ we were having, he was like a kid on the way to the candy store. I hadn't seen him that giddy and happy and civil in along time. Showed me just had badly he needed booze.

 

Not long after, drinking around me (occasional) turned to having just a drink or two while out golfing. Then it was him out at a sportsbar, plastered. Then he didn't even come home cuz he was pissed to the gills and knew he'd hear it from me. He drove drunk all the time. I once called the cops on him. I knew he was out at a neighborhood bar, drunk out of his mind and that he'd drive home. I called the cops and gave them his license plate number. I will not tolerate drinking and driving. This is a guy who'd been in a serious accident 2 years prior (while I was not with him), where he and some friends were pissed and he was driving. He T-boned a guy and the guy ended up with permanent back damage, never to work again. By some fluke, the cops at the scene didn't realize he'd been drinking (he was such an alcoholic that most of the time he could have so much booze in him but still walk and talk straight, you'd swear he was sober) and it was never known that the accident was alcohol related. This bastard had screwed up someone's back all because of booze. So this night, I wanted the cops to get his ass and take his license away. They wouldn't help saying they'd have to actually catch him driving. It angered me that they didn't care. And sure enough, he came home at 3am, could barely stagger up the stairs so you know he had had a LOT to drink. He could have killed someone.

 

It was a nightmare. I got tired of searching all over the house when he'd leave, for hidden booze bottles. I knew he was sneaking booze at home because his moods would go from owly to wonderful within an hour.

 

I finally left. Thank God I wasn't married to him. Would have been a divorce for sure.

 

Don't even consider walking down the aisle until your fiance has done something concrete to stop drinking. An alcoholic/person with a drinking problem can NOT do it on their own. They cannot just say, "I'll quit drinking" and do it by themself. Alcoholism is a strong addiction, and one in which they usually drink for a reason....to numb their pain..pain that often occured in their childhood...they drink to forget, they drink to feel better about something that makes them feel guilty or bad when sober. To stop drinking, they need counselling and someone to work with them to get to the root of why they drink. They need the support of a recovering alcoholic, who has been in their shoes and continues to work each day at remaining sober.

 

If you don't put your foot down now, you will be setting yourself up for a life/marriage of hell, eventually. And should you bring children into it, they will also have a life of hell..and will likely grow up to drink, too.

 

If you want more information on dealing with an alcoholic, contact the local Al-Alanon group in your area. Just call up your local Alcoholics Anonymous group and ask them for the # to Al-Alanon..which is a support group for friends and loved ones/family, of those with drinking problems. You need to hear it from those who are living with someone with this powerful addiction. Neither of you can do this on your own.

[BeenThere]

As the now "ex-wife" of a former alcholic and drug abuser, I can also attest to difficulties of being married to someone who is chemically dependant. Of course, I'd hate to rain on anyone's "happy parade" by slapping them with the cold hard facts of reality, but unless you've "been there" you can never imagine how bad it gets and how many aspects of your life it can effect. It's often harder on the family of the abuser than it is on the addict.

 

However, I think if this guy has a real problem she will find out soon enough. If he has a real addiction, he won't be able to keep his promise until the wedding and I'm sure we'll all be hearing from this poster again. All those of us who have been through this before can do for a "newbee" is provide support and share our own experiences so that the person now being affected understands that they are not alone and are certainly not the first person to find themselves in this situation.

I have been in your shoes. I was in a serious relationship with someone I learned, over time, had a major drinking problem. When I learned the truth, I was devastated. I loved him but knew how stupid it was to be with someone who's an alcoholic. Had grown up seeing aunts and uncles and my grandpa who were all drunks. Not nice. Destroys families. So I told him that unless he got his act together and did something concrete about his drinking problem, that our relationship was over. At this point, I had given my notice in the place I was renting and was to be moving to live with him. I should have just stayed. Of course he didn't want to lose me so he promised me up and down that he'd get help, go to Alcoholics Anonymous, do whatever it took. All lip service. His sobriety lasted a few weeks. But he became more and more moody, and it was obvious that he deeply resented me. You see, I was the thing that stood between him and the bottle of booze. He knew he'd promised me he'd quit drinking, and that if he didn't, I'd be gone, but his need for booze was overpowering (particularly cuz he wasn't getting the help and support he needed..like AA). He was evil to live with. His moods were horrible. It was, at times, like living with a Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes it was so bad that I almost wanted to just go down to the liquor store and get him a bottle of booze, just so that he'd be civil to me. Then he started drinking. At first he told me that we'd have this 'rule' where he could only drink in my presence..cuz he knew then that he wouldn't overdo it. I didn't like this idea. An alcoholic can't just drink "a little bit." But I loved him and I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. That first trip to the liquor store, to get some beer for a BBQ we were having, he was like a kid on the way to the candy store. I hadn't seen him that giddy and happy and civil in along time. Showed me just had badly he needed booze. Not long after, drinking around me (occasional) turned to having just a drink or two while out golfing. Then it was him out at a sportsbar, plastered. Then he didn't even come home cuz he was pissed to the gills and knew he'd hear it from me. He drove drunk all the time. I once called the cops on him. I knew he was out at a neighborhood bar, drunk out of his mind and that he'd drive home. I called the cops and gave them his license plate number. I will not tolerate drinking and driving. This is a guy who'd been in a serious accident 2 years prior (while I was not with him), where he and some friends were pissed and he was driving. He T-boned a guy and the guy ended up with permanent back damage, never to work again. By some fluke, the cops at the scene didn't realize he'd been drinking (he was such an alcoholic that most of the time he could have so much booze in him but still walk and talk straight, you'd swear he was sober) and it was never known that the accident was alcohol related. This bastard had screwed up someone's back all because of booze. So this night, I wanted the cops to get his ass and take his license away. They wouldn't help saying they'd have to actually catch him driving. It angered me that they didn't care. And sure enough, he came home at 3am, could barely stagger up the stairs so you know he had had a LOT to drink. He could have killed someone. It was a nightmare. I got tired of searching all over the house when he'd leave, for hidden booze bottles. I knew he was sneaking booze at home because his moods would go from owly to wonderful within an hour. I finally left. Thank God I wasn't married to him. Would have been a divorce for sure. Don't even consider walking down the aisle until your fiance has done something concrete to stop drinking. An alcoholic/person with a drinking problem can NOT do it on their own. They cannot just say, "I'll quit drinking" and do it by themself. Alcoholism is a strong addiction, and one in which they usually drink for a reason....to numb their pain..pain that often occured in their childhood...they drink to forget, they drink to feel better about something that makes them feel guilty or bad when sober. To stop drinking, they need counselling and someone to work with them to get to the root of why they drink. They need the support of a recovering alcoholic, who has been in their shoes and continues to work each day at remaining sober. If you don't put your foot down now, you will be setting yourself up for a life/marriage of hell, eventually. And should you bring children into it, they will also have a life of hell..and will likely grow up to drink, too. If you want more information on dealing with an alcoholic, contact the local Al-Alanon group in your area. Just call up your local Alcoholics Anonymous group and ask them for the # to Al-Alanon..which is a support group for friends and loved ones/family, of those with drinking problems. You need to hear it from those who are living with someone with this powerful addiction. Neither of you can do this on your own.