3way relationship

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My girlfriend and I have lived together for 12 years. I am 47, she is 45. I feel that our relationship has been undermined and greatly weakened by the fact that her brother, 46, has lived with us for most of those 12 years. He has had girlfriends, but none for very long at one time. He claims he doesn't want committments, and has refused offers from previous girlfriends to move in with them and live with them, choosing rather to live with us. He also truly believes that he is the most important person in his sister's (my girlfriend's) life. He once had a disagreement with my girlfriend's son (his nephew). He later made this comment to me regarding the disagreement and why he felt his sister would support him over her son, "After all, who does he think he is? He is just her son---I AM HER BROTHER!" When he said this, I knew there was a big problem here that needed to be addressed and dealt with. My girlfriend and I both work full time. We have 1 hour together in the morning before work, and approximately 4 hours together at night after work before going to bed. On the average, 3 or more hours of that time each day are also shared with her brother. He insists on being in the same room as us, and aggressively asserts himself and includes himself in whatever we are doing. I have tried several times to discuss this matter with my girlfriend. She sees nothing wrong or abnormal about our situation. She says I am crazy to be jealous of him because he's her brother, not another boyfriend. He acts like he's competing with me for her. When we sit in the garden swing, he always manages to sit in the middle, between my girlfriend and me. He hangs new pictures for her, changes her oil in her car, and numerous other things that I am fully capable of doing but am denied the opportunity of doing. These are things a man loves to do for his woman, but I am told that he needs to feel needed and important too. Why doesn't he go out and find his own woman then? Am I the world's biggest idiot, or do I have a legitimate reason to feel that there is something very very wrong with all this? Each time I have attempted to discuss this touchy subject with my girlfriend, the conversation has quickly escalated into a full blown fight with her getting physical (slamming and breaking doors, throwing dishes, cups, etc., slapping me) I have usually withdtrawn from the argument when it got physical. Just because I dropped the subject doesn't mean it was solved. This problem is very real to me. I love my girlfriend so much, but I am seriously considering leaving her and this whole twisted mess far behind me. Am I just being selfish? Am I wrong to feel the way I do about her brother's systematic interference in our everyday life? Should I be "big" enough to not let this bother me? I need your help and advice. Please tell me the truth! Please help me find the answer to deal with this very real problem. Thank you!

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I am in shock after reading your post. First of all, you are certainly in the right to be annoyed and concerned about this whole situation. I don't even know where to begin.

 

First of all, g/f's brother obviously has some serious problems, as does she. A 46 year old man should be self reliant and living on his own, period. No ifs, ands or buts. How you've put up with this for as many years as you have, is beyond me. Talk about patience! But, this is simply not healthy for you or your relationship.

 

It concerned me greatly, the fact that your g/f becomes physically explosive and abusive when you bring up the subject of her brother always being around. That is the biggest warning sign around. A stable, mentally and emotionally healthy woman doesn't react like that to discussions with her partner.....especially regarding this particular situation at hand. You shouldn't even have to be having this discussion, because Jethro should have moved his lazy, weird ass out years ago, period.

 

What exactly IS his excuse for not having his own place? Doesn't he work to support himself? Even if he doesn't, that's his own damn problem.

 

The fact that he doesn't want you and his sister to spend time alone, that's creepy. Him sitting between you on the swing is bizarre. Have you ever considered the possibility that perhaps there is some whacko incestual sister-brother relationship going on here? Yes, it sounds crazy but no crazier than what you've explained. I wouldn't be surprised if this weirdo has a glass up to the wall of your bedroom, so that he can hear you and his sister having sex. He sounds demented.

 

Your g/f sounds just as demented, and completely disrespectful to you. What woman in her right mind would expect her b/f to put up with this? A stable woman would want to have private time together, and would understand the importance of same. A stable women wouldn't slap her boyfriend and bust up the house because b/f has had it with the brother being a permanent houseguest.

 

There is something extremely weird with this whole situation. Are you even positive that this guy is her brother and not some ex lover/lover? I know that sounds crazy but crazy things go on in life. I can't for the life of me understand why a woman who was in a live-in relationship of this many years would want her brother to live with them. They both sounds nuts.

 

It seems you've been as patient and understanding as you can be. You've tried to express your feelings on the subject and it gets you nowhere. It is your home too only you're not getting any say in anything. That's no relationship at all. They both sound like wacky control freaks.

 

Nobody has the right to slap anyone. That's abuse and it's a criminal offense. With 2 nuts like this under your roof, I highly encourage you to just leave and never look back, as difficult as that will be.

 

Who owns the home, you or her or do you own it jointly?

 

Bro has no business sticking his nose in and competing with you for his sister's attention. He should have gotten over that about 40 years ago.

 

I don't see what option you have but simply leaving. Seems clear that you're not going to get through to your g/f. She obviously likes her loser brother living there. Why, I don't know.

 

If you can't sit down and discuss this like 2 rational adults, especially after the history you have together, then you don't even have much of a relationship. The whole thing sound extremely bizarre and unhealthy.

 

If you were to give your g/f an ultimatum, and tell her that unless bro moves out, you're gone, I guess there's a very slim chance she'd boot his butt out, but by the sounds of it, she'd likely resent you forever, and make your life a living hell. And he'd likely be enraged that you were the reason he got booted out, and then God knows what he'd do to seek revenge.

 

It sounds like he has a very unhealthy, abnormal attraction to his sister. Sounds like he wants to be the man in her life. She sounds like she enjoys it. This is even too bizarre for Jerry Springer. Do you see that? can you continue to live like this....being in a relationship with someone who puts their brother before you?

 

And yes, the comment he made regarding her son....he has an awfully high opinion of himself and he's extremely delusional. A decent Mom would always put her kids before anyone, even her siblings.

 

WOnder if there's a history of any inbreeding in their family.

 

NOt sure what else to tell you. If I were guy and I were in your shoes, I'd know in my heart and brain that leaving was the only choice....so that you can go on to find a normal woman who knows a thing or two about relationships.

 

If she ever slaps you again, call the cops and have her arrested for assault. You shouldn't have to put up with that insanity. If it were the other way around, you know that as a man you'd be up sh_t creek.

 

I wish you the very best.