Still have feelings for ex after 5 years

[Guest]

After being together for 3 years, my ex and I began a long-distance relationship after I moved away from our hometown. Shortly after I moved away, I broke up with him because I could not handle a long-distance relationship. Around the same time, I met someone new and we began dating. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3.5 years.

 

Since the breakup, my ex and I have not had much contact. We've had a couple of phone conversations and a few emails. The entire time that we've been apart, I haven't stopped loving him. I know this sounds strange, considering that I am married to someone else.

 

Since the breakup, my ex has relocated twice, and is now on the opposite side of the country of me. I would not have known how to get a hold of him had it not been for myspace.

 

Several months ago, I saw his profile on myspace, and I sent him a message. He did not respond. I should have let it go then, but I didn't. A few weeks later, I sent him another message telling him that I was sad that he didn't reply. He quickly replied to my second message. He said that he thought that he had replied and apologized that I didn't get the message. He told me what he'd been up to, and he asked me what I'd been up to. I replied to his message, keeping up the conversation. He did not reply to that message. This was about 6 months ago.

 

I did not try to send another message. I figured that the chances that a second email got lost in cyberspace are very slim. It is probably more likely that he didn't want to be in touch with me, but he didn't know how to tell me that without hurting my feelings.

 

You may be wondering why in the world would I marry someone else if I was still in love with my ex. This is what happened. Not long after we began dating, my husband asked me to move in with him. I declined. A couple months later, I found myself in a very difficult financial situation and I had to give up my apartment. My husband again asked me to move in with him. Feeling desperate, I gave in. After we lived together for several months, I thought that it would only be right for us to get married. Shortly after, my husband proposed and a year later we were married.

 

For most of my marriage, I have been wishing that I hadn't been married. My husband and I are very different people with different interests and different goals in life. I would leave, but I am a coward.

 

I am afraid of hurting my husband. I am afraid of hurting my husband's family. I am getting really close to finishing college, and I'm afraid that a messy divorce will keep me from graduating. I am afraid of the stresses that will come from having to sell our house and go to court. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid that these feelings for my ex will never go away. I am afraid that I will end up married again to someone else who isn't right for me.

 

I regret moving away. I regret breaking up with my ex. I can't change the past, but I don't know what to do now. In my fantasy world, I could get a divorce, graduate, move away, tell my ex how I feel about him, and he would take me back. What should I do?

[daphne]

Sorry but I'm going to be blunt. What should you do? Stop being so selfish and using your husband as a way to get through college, someone to ease your loneliness and let him find someone that isn't looking back thinking that the grass is greener. He deserves better than the mediocrity that you're giving him.

[Guest]

Daphne, thank you for your honest response. I would like a chance to explain why I don't think that I'm "using" my husband to get through college.

 

About a month after we married, I inherited some money. With that money, I have paid for most of my education. The rest of my education has been financed by a couple school loans. Also, with the money I bought a house where we could live. I bought my husband a car. I took him on an exotic vacation. I bought him a computer. I bought him expensive sporting goods/recreational equipment,etc etc, etc, etc.

Before I could buy him lots of material things, I have given him many other "gifts". I helped him quit using meth. I convinced him to get help for his depression. I helped him stop cutting himself. I helped him find work that he could be proud of.

I do love my husband. I just have lingering feelings for my first love. I am not "using" my husband. Both of us have gained from each other.

 

It is true that if I left my husband, my life would be turned upside down, and it would be difficult to finish school. However, my husband is not the main reason why I have been able to get an education.

 

In the time that has passed since my original post, I have done a lot of thinking, and I have had some long talks with my husband about our marriage. We are both going to work on developing common interests, spending quality time together, and building a stronger relationship. I really think that things will only get better. I do love my husband. I just need to get rid of these lingering feelings for my first love.

[daphne]

hi Guest,

 

I guess I was basing my criticism on limited information. I do still feel, however, that you are doing your husband a disservice. Your post sounds like you take him for granted and want nothing more than to have your ex back. One thing my father once told me has proven true over and over again. It won't be heaven if you get it and it won't be hell if you don't. What you're experiencing is common to human nature. You want what you can't have. If he had been pining over you all of this time, I imagine you would find yourself more content in your current relationship. There's a pull from the ex because he has fully withdrawn and shown that he doesn't need you anymore. Recognizing this can be difficult. People equate it with what they see as "love" that they see in teh movies. It's more of an energy exchange.

 

One thing I've done that has kept me out of a lot of trouble and from getting burned too bad, was to walk away from the guys who didn't show a high enough level interest in me to make it work. It's counterproductive and illogical. I've been hit by the fickle guy once or twice, but I tell myself that if it had been meant to be, it would have been. I wouldn't be happy with someone who didn't want me bad enough to make it work anyway. And I think you know in your heart that's true.

 

Stable relationships can get boring at times. But the great thing is that they're not roller coasters. And if you look at your relationship and see that it is really worth having, give it a chance. If not, let him find someone who really wants him.

[gfto]

Sounds like your ex is about as interested in you as you are in your husband.

[Ukwizard]

One thing I've done that has kept me out of a lot of trouble and from getting burned too bad, was to walk away from the guys who didn't show a high enough level interest in me to make it work. It's counterproductive and illogical. I've been hit by the fickle guy once or twice, but I tell myself that if it had been meant to be, it would have been. I wouldn't be happy with someone who didn't want me bad enough to make it work anyway. And I think you know in your heart that's true.

I totally agree Daphne. However sometimes love shifts. It never stays the same. You see, over time. People`s goals, and aspirations change. Although some can live with that. Some can`t. Some people like to have the same ideas, and aspirations. Over time this gives couples a reason to leave, citing differences of opinions, or direction.

 

I`m with Guest. Shes still believing she can rekindle a lost love. We all get like that when our own relationships are working that well. We have a tendancy to look for `whats out there`. Thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Of course its not, but don`t forget Daphne. People change. Love chnages. You cant force someone to stay in a relationship they`re not happy in.

 

My ex girlfriend left me. She wanted someone else who showed his love to her. She wanted someone intimate. Although these are some things that cannot be fixed. She still chose to leave.

 

Was the grass greener? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! What I know is that she went onto a chat room. A guy there said all the right things. Well, one thing let to another, and they had a quick date. They slept together on the first date. I asked for her back in this time. I wasnt aware she slept with this guy during this time. About 2 months after that she dates another man, and they fall out about something.

 

You see the grass was not greeener for her. My ex dated roughly 5 or six guys in a period of 18 months. I was had the longest relationship with her. I lasted 7 months.

 

I m still in contact with her, but all her previous boyfriends she has dated havent really stayed in contact with her. I m the ONLY one thats still trying. So for my ex, the grass was DEFINITELY not greener. She`s single now, but shes looking for another new romance. Why is she doing that?

 

So Daphne. You can try all you want, but at the end of the day, you can`t make someone love you. Guest wants to look for an alternative to her current relationship. Let her make her mistakes. I think she know it within herself that the grass aint greener, but shes staying with her current man based of fear of being alone, and guilt. Thats why shes not happy.

 

I reckon that things can get better, but she needs to communicate to her husband whats missing, or maybe lacking in her current relationship. What can`t her husband provide that her ex can?

 

The reality check here is. Guest, can`t have her ex back anyway. e`s in another relationship.

 

figured that the chances that a second email got lost in cyberspace are very slim.

I agree, and he`s not that much into anymore. He`s possibly met someone else that cares for him.

 

figured that the chances that a second email got lost in cyberspace are very slim.

Now, think again. If you loved him in the first place, then distance wouldn`t be a problem would it?