Talking about the ring

[adnCat]

My boyfriend of about 8 years (I'm 27, he's 28) isn't particularly fond of ring talk. We've already decided that we want to marry each other. I want a formal proposal, so we aren't engaged yet. I'll talk about the type of ring I'd like from time to time, and it isn't his favorite topic.

 

Ideally, the talk would not even occur, because, ideally, we'd already be married and it would be moot. I didn't used to care so much about it, but after years of buildup, I want to get something that I will absolutely love.

 

I feel that after all these years of build up, I "deserve" to make a big deal out of the entire ordeal- ring, engagement, wedding, etc. Keep in mind that I am pretty frugal- I have told him that I actually prefer a simulated stone and not a real diamond. When I say I "deserve" to make a big deal out of things, it means I want them to be very very special, not very very expensive...

 

I also don't want him to spend too much. A white gold setting for the CZ he already has (only $15 and dazzling beyond belief- really comparable to a diamond!) will cost $100 and the mall jewelry store, add the service plan at $30, and I'll have a ring that looks like a couple grand at $145. He's saying he'd rather get me a ring with diamond sidestones. Now we are talking more like $600 or $800.

 

A couple of issues here- One, why does he care what the ring looks like? I'll be wearing it, not him!

Two, am I being totally ridiculous in wanting and thinking I should get a totally perfect, totally romantic, make-me-jealous-of-myself, proposal?

[bab]

A couple of issues here- One, why does he care what the ring looks like? I'll be wearing it, not him!

Two, am I being totally ridiculous in wanting and thinking I should get a totally perfect, totally romantic, make-me-jealous-of-myself, proposal?

 

1) People are going to know it's from him, and he wants to make you proud to show it off. There is a TON of advertising out there that tells him unless he spends $$$$ he isn't "doing it right". Which of course is all BS, but it's hard to remember that sometimes, even for guys.

 

2) No! It's a wonderful moment in your life, and it should be romantic. This isn't one of those times to let him off the hook on romance. Let him off the hook on Valentines day, but not the day you get engaged! (We were at a ballet when my husband proposed and I had the program and tickets framed, and they are hanging in our living room).

[adnCat]

Thanks, Bab!

 

So I'm a little torn. I used to tell my bf that I thought it was lame when couples would go shopping for rings together. I told him I wanted him to pick something out and surprise me.

 

Since so much time has passed in this relationship, I'm starting to wonder if it is true that I wanted him to pick something out and surprise me, but I was only saying that doing otherwise would be lame because I was just jealous of couples that were picking out rings together. Like, maybe I was trying to convince myself that I was not jealous. "Oh, whatever, I don't want to do it that way anyway, it's unromantic and takes the fun out of the surprise. So I'm not jealous."

 

I'm also starting to wonder if maybe they had the right idea going to look at rings together. I mean, they have rings and I'm still waiting, so they must have done something correct, right?

 

So my bf said that he doesn't mind if we go shopping together, but we just have to decide that that is the way it is going to be. How can we do that but still preserve the romance and surprise of the event?

[norajane]

So my bf said that he doesn't mind if we go shopping together, but we just have to decide that that is the way it is going to be. How can we do that but still preserve the romance and surprise of the event?

 

If you have the CZ and you shop together for a setting, you won't actually see the complete ring until after it is set by the jeweler. So don't go to pick up the ring with him when it is done; you let him do that alone so you don't see what it looks like until he proposes. And he can make the proposal as surprising and romantic as you like, and when he brings out the ring it will be a surprise to you see actually see it complete and on your hand.

 

But...you may have other issues here? I know that waiting for a proposal can make people crazy after many years together, so you've given the whole thing a LOT of thought and maybe built up your expectations sky high for the kind of proposal, engagement, wedding you want. The actual steps leading up to your marriage should be special, but the 'special-ness' comes from the heart, from the commitment, from the promises to each other.

 

Are you maybe afraid he's going to drag this out and wait on proposing a lot longer than you're comfortable with? Is that why you are thinking of going shopping together now - you think that will make him propose sooner?

 

If so, try and find out why he is hesitating on the actual proposal even though you've both agreed you want to be married...

[bab]

Norajane has some great advice.

 

Go to a couple of different stores, and try on a variety of rings. Then he knows what you like and what you don't like. You don't have to know which one of them he buys and you don't have to be there when he buys it. But he'll know exactly what you like. The other option is for him to just buy a extremely simple (and cheap) setting, and then you can have it reset into something that you like later on. (this is what we did) And, don't tell anybody (in real life) that you are shopping. It makes it seem more real.

[adnCat]

But...you may have other issues here? I know that waiting for a proposal can make people crazy after many years together, so you've given the whole thing a LOT of thought and maybe built up your expectations sky high for the kind of proposal, engagement, wedding you want. The actual steps leading up to your marriage should be special, but the 'special-ness' comes from the heart, from the commitment, from the promises to each other. ...

Do you mean to tell me that the specialness shouldn't come from money or extravagance? Like I said in my original post, it isn't about that. So I already agree that the "special-ness" should come from the sources you cited. Sorry, not trying to sound contentious, I just want to make sure I am understanding your advice!

 

Are you maybe afraid he's going to drag this out and wait on proposing a lot longer than you're comfortable with? Is that why you are thinking of going shopping together now - you think that will make him propose sooner?

 

If so, try and find out why he is hesitating on the actual proposal even though you've both agreed you want to be married...

 

To be completely honest, there is the thought in the back of my mind that things might drag out. I don't think it will, but I've got a back up plan for that. Shopping together is definitely not an effort to make him propose sooner. If it happens, I want it to be on his timeline. If it doesn't, I'm leaving on mine (reference to the back up plan mentioned...). We've talked about hesitation, and he knows I'm not okay with waiting forever, and he knows I'm okay with waiting a while.

 

Bab- thanks. We've agreed to look at rings, just to make sure we are on the same page with styles, but he will make the decision. This means I hope not to fall in love with one particular style when we go look, and I'll try not to say things like "I like this one best." To me, it will be romantic if he chooses it himself.

 

I think we'd both rather choose a setting that I'll want to wear forever right now, rather than upgrading. We are both frugal, but money is definitely not tight. He could easily pay cash for a 15,000.00 ring if I wanted it, but like I said, we're cheap!

[norajane]

Do you mean to tell me that the specialness shouldn't come from money or extravagance? Like I said in my original post, it isn't about that. So I already agree that the "special-ness" should come from the sources you cited. Sorry, not trying to sound contentious, I just want to make sure I am understanding your advice!

 

No, I was actually referring to this part:

 

I feel that after all these years of build up, I "deserve" to make a big deal out of the entire ordeal- ring, engagement, wedding, etc. Keep in mind that I am pretty frugal- I have told him that I actually prefer a simulated stone and not a real diamond. When I say I "deserve" to make a big deal out of things, it means I want them to be very very special, not very very expensive...

 

You've got some high expectations for how "special" the ring, the engagement, the wedding are supposed to be. And those expectations or ideals may be getting in the way.

 

For example, you're worrying about whether shopping for rings together would ruin the romance or the surprise...and if it does ruin the special-ness for you, are you really focused on the right things? Shouldn't the special-ness come from the knowledge that this man wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and not from how romantic the proposal is, nor how much of a surprise the ring is...

 

If you go shopping together and he ends up picking out a setting that is #4 on your list of ideal settings, and then he picks up the ring and proposes to you while sitting on the couch after dinner, no bended knee, no romantic music, no candles, not ring hidden in a piece of cake or in a champagne glass, no special effort of any kind...will that upset you because you didn't get the romance and special-ness you were after?

 

All I'm saying is don't let your view of how the ring or proposal or wedding "should be" ruin your joy if the reality doesn't live up to your romantic and special-ness expectations.