Very upset, what can I do...

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I am in a situation with two people. One of them is my best friend (male), the other a friend (not close - anymore - female).

 

Recently, I discovered that I have fallen for my best friend. He has a few issues as far as being in love (at all), mainly because he's extremely inexperienced. I accepted that, and simply told him that just because I'd fallen for him didn't mean that I was going to push for more, that I was okay with things staying the way they were.

 

Now, here's where I think I made the mistake.

 

I confided in my female friend, telling her that while I was sad about his decision, I could and would live with it and that I still cared about him. Within the space of a week.... the two of them have apparently "hooked up" (although he still claims he doesn't love her any more than he could me). Admittedly, most of the affection all appears to be coming from her - he's as "cool" as he ever was (whether toward me or anyone else).

 

Here's the problem that I am having. My issue is -not- with him. He was honest with me about his feelings (or lack thereof) for me, and still wants to remain good friends. I have no problem with this. My issue is with -her-, not only because she broke a confidence (she had told him some of the things that I had said about him), but because she then proceeded to "hook up" with him, knowing how I felt about him, -and- is now constantly rubbing it in my face (little comments about how wonderful he is in bed, etc. etc.). I am absolutely livid. I cannot believe she's done this to me. She knew how much I felt for him, and how much I hurt about it (and still hurt, to be quite honest). It's bad enough that they've "hooked up" - but to flaunt it????

 

And if that weren't enough, she pretty much hits on everything male and breathing, to boot. I know another mutual friend of ours who is desperately in love with her - and yet she plays him like she does everyone else. It disgusts me. I'm -burning- to confront her... indeed, my anger is overwhelming me to the point where I don't think I can hang out with either her or my best friend (ex-best friend now?) anymore.

 

Yes, I know I'm jealous. Yes, I know that it's irrational to feel that way. I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that my best friend doesn't feel anything more for her than he did for me. But it still hurts to the point where I cry if I see him and I want to punch -her- in the mouth if I see her.

 

(Yes, this all happened within the last week or so.)

 

I've tried to avoid both of them, but he's asking me why I'm avoiding him (and sounding pretty hurt about it). She had been asking me too, but she's since stopped (because although I haven't confronted her, I think she knows damned well why I'm not speaking to her. That's not stopping her from flaunting what's going on, though).

 

What do I do to get over this? And should I confront her? If so, publicly or privately? It has the potential to get -very- ugly, very quickly. (On my side, admittedly. I am -burning over this-.)

 

Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

[Kristybelle]

Here's the problem that I am having. My issue is -not- with him.

 

I think you should have an issue with him. He knew that you were friends with this girl, right? He knew that you had feelings for him. That should make her off-limits for a nice guy, which evidently he is not. I think your friend is not a very good friend at all and you should cut off contact with her. Confronting her isn't going to do anything but make you seem pathetic, though, honestly. It will get back to him and he'll get to gloat over having two chicks fight over him.

 

Just let it go. I know it's difficult but really, it's all you can do to save face.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I think you should have an issue with him. He knew that you were friends with this girl, right? He knew that you had feelings for him. That should make her off-limits for a nice guy, which evidently he is not. I think your friend is not a very good friend at all and you should cut off contact with her. Confronting her isn't going to do anything but make you seem pathetic, though, honestly. It will get back to him and he'll get to gloat over having two chicks fight over him.

 

Just let it go. I know it's difficult but really, it's all you can do to save face.

 

Well, that's the thing. We're all sort of in a really tight circle where everyone knows everyone else, which only compounds the problem - our other friends are feeling like they need to "choose sides", which is the -last- thing I want them to do.

 

Yes, he knew that I had feelings for him, but at the same time, he was straight with me about those feelings not being returned. He was honest. I can't ask him for more than that, nor would I want it any other way. How is this not being "a nice guy"? I'd rather he outright told me, "Hey, listen, I appreciate how you feel about me, but I don't feel the same way and there's no hope that I ever will", than to take advantage of those feelings and string me along.

 

I think that what I'm really angry about is the -timing-. My female friend knew that I was hurting over this. For me to confide in her, only to have her turn around the next day and announce (to me and everyone else) that she's sleeping with him, being all affectionate, etc. ... well, it makes me wonder

 

1. what her message is to -me-, i.e., "Haha, I did what you couldn't"

 

2. what her motive is for being with him, because it's sure not love and even she'll attest to that

 

3. whether or not she'd been planning this all along, because the timing is just... suspicious as all hell. Call me paranoid, but them hooking up the day -after- I confide in her is not a positive sign that it could be anything else.

 

I haven't confronted her yet, although I've sure as hell wanted to. I'm talking a little to him again, but not nearly as much as I had been, and it's not at all close (i.e., I'm not trusting him and the guard's up. And don't think he doesn't know it, because he's obviously hurt by my indifference of the last few days). He's under the mistaken impression that I'm mad at him because of what -he- said. Which is not the case at all.

 

This is just one huge, drama-laden mess. I'm so tempted to just write them both off and be done with it, only I -do- still love him so...

[silentcharon]

Yeah, my friend is in a very similiar situation. Feel free to read my thread on it- it has potential of making things ugly very quickly.

 

Except the 'love triangle' consists of her and her ex, and her friend.

 

I told her to go NC, since her ex obviously doesn't care and her friend isn't being a very good friend if she's been sleeping with her ex. It's not worth the heart ache in the long run.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

Yeah, my friend is in a very similiar situation. Feel free to read my thread on it- it has potential of making things ugly very quickly.

 

I did read it. And your friend's situation is eerily similar to mine, only that the difference here is that a relationship never actually got started between my best friend and myself. I wonder if that's really not a blessing in disguise, to be honest.

 

Update on the sitch. The guy madly in love with my female friend is now making some drama of his own, apparently. He's been lying to several people about my best friend and about things that he's apparently said (that I personally know not to be true) in order to "get her away from him". He seems to be just as upset about this as I am (well, was, to be honest - I'm finding myself curiously indifferent, the more time that passes). Anyhow, she found out about all of this, and now she's not talking to anyone - my best friend or this other guy.

 

Still following me? I know, it's confusing even me at this point.

 

My best friend has tried to engage me into more of an intimate conversation than he has been lately - I think he's really starting to feel guilty over this whole thing. The only thing is, I'm not biting. I just feel kind of cold and indifferent toward him now - I know that I say I'm not angry, but why do I feel this way if I'm not? As if I want to punish him for hurting me like this? It's not like he set out to deliberately make me feel bad.

 

Some days I feel as if he's sending me mixed messages. I really do. But I've played the fool before and I won't do it again, not this time. Either someone needs to clearly tell me that they love me and want to be with me, or I'm going to assume that they don't. Period.

 

And I still can't forgive him for hooking up with her - although I know damned well he doesn't love her at all, it's just a piece of "booty" to him. He'd be more likely to have feelings for me (if he did, anyway) - we've connected and shared so much more together than she ever did with him.

 

I don't know. I'm going to attempt to put it out of my mind for a while and avoid all of them. Drama sucks @ss.

 

I really should register here... (thought)

[silentcharon]

Well. My friend went NC- she is no longer speaking to the ex or her friend. They both are at fault- her friend breaking the cardinal rule of dating/sleeping with her ex, and her ex for being a lying scumbag. She doesn't care anymore and the ex is trying to get a hold of her still. She doesn't want to get played again, and she won't. She wants nothing to do with them.

 

It's probably a blessing in disguise- if he's going to treat your friend the way he has been, he probably will treat you the same- and he knows it, maybe that's why he doesn't want to go further than friends with you because he knows he will hurt you in the end. Just a guess. As for your friend, let her be- she probably realized that she made a mistake and needs to be left alone for the time being. She'll come around sooner or later.

 

Good plan, avoid them- the drama isn't worth it. In the mean time, hang out with other people- it will be a good change of scenery for you. That's the best advice I can give you. Even I am confused with my friend's situation but I can understand where she is coming from, I feel for her and am 100% behind her decision to cut everyone off.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I decided to register here, seeing that I'm receiving such good advice. It's refreshing to know that I can come here and hear other opinions.

 

So, a lot of things have been happening since the last update. The 'thing' between my best friend and this other woman has fizzled out (and apparently it has been dead for some time - I wouldn't say that it lasted more than 2 weeks at the most). He wouldn't commit to anything more than a sexual-based relationship with her (something that I could have told her and saved her the trouble), but it didn't seem to bother her, as she's still more or less playing people left and right. She still tries to flirt with him, but he's not having it - from what I've noticed, he's really brushed her off. (Which would make sense to me, because without being mean about it, she's really sort of the "airhead" type - which I know he's not into. This is some of the reason why it shocked me that they got together in the first place.)

 

I've been staying away in the meantime - just concentrating on my own life, my own interests and hobbies - and quite honestly, I'm having a good time doing it, I've discovered a creative spark within myself!

 

Recently, however, I've been talking to him again, and the spark between us is starting to slowly return. It's not completely at the comfort level that it was previously - we were really, really close (sharing literally everything together - thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, etc.) - but it's definitely there. I've been walking around for the last couple of days on cloud nine. And yet I know that the basic, bottom line hasn't changed - he's still afraid to commit to me, he's still totally unsure of how he feels, he keeps insisting that he's inexperienced and doesn't think he could please me - you name it. If it's self-deprecating, he'll say it. It hurts me that he does so, because it's so untrue. I love him so much - if only he would realize that he's better than he thinks!

 

I keep thinking that if he would let me show him how much I love him, he'd not be this way - that he'd realize that someone does love him deeply, that I'd be willing to make a stab at even starting a life with him, should he want that. But I won't, I refuse to, push him. He needs to love me on his own, not because he feels guilted into it or because others tell him he should.

 

And the mixed messages continue. I think he does feel deeply for me, but refuses to admit to it - or to how much - or maybe he can't acknowledge it yet, as he has no experience with relationships or deeper feelings. (If he were to be with me as I would like it, it would be his first serious relationship.)

 

Thoughts? I know that mine are kind of scrambled right now.

 

Thanks.

[silentcharon]

I've been staying away in the meantime - just concentrating on my own life, my own interests and hobbies - and quite honestly, I'm having a good time doing it, I've discovered a creative spark within myself!

 

Good! Keep up the good work, you will be much happier with your life overall whether he comes back to you or not.

Recently, however, I've been talking to him again, and the spark between us is starting to slowly return. It's not completely at the comfort level that it was previously - we were really, really close (sharing literally everything together - thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, etc.) - but it's definitely there. I've been walking around for the last couple of days on cloud nine. And yet I know that the basic, bottom line hasn't changed - he's still afraid to commit to me, he's still totally unsure of how he feels, he keeps insisting that he's inexperienced and doesn't think he could please me - you name it. If it's self-deprecating, he'll say it. It hurts me that he does so, because it's so untrue. I love him so much - if only he would realize that he's better than he thinks!

 

That damn chemistry thing again. It's happening everywhere. If he's still afraid, quit pushing him- you'll only push him further. Let him be and continue with your life.

And the mixed messages continue. I think he does feel deeply for me, but refuses to admit to it - or to how much - or maybe he can't acknowledge it yet, as he has no experience with relationships or deeper feelings. (If he were to be with me as I would like it, it would be his first serious relationship.)

 

Then, obviously he isn't ready for any relationship, let alone one with you. It's harsh, I know, but really, if he won't give you what you want, best move on and find someone else who will. I'm in a similiar situation with my ex right now too, he broke NC saying he wanted to try being friends again. I agreed, after he admitted what he did was wrong prior to me going into NC, then a couple of weeks later, he came back and told me he was still in love with me. It threw me off guard totally- because after the break up, I tried to get him to come back- I tried so hard to rekindle the 'spark', if you will. I tried to get him to give me answers, he couldn't- in my mind, I thought he just wouldn't tell me the truth. There was nothing between us, and I would not admit it to myself.

 

Then, after he broke NC, he told me how he still felt about me and then I later found out he got into a fwb relationship with a girl, who I was kind of friends with. He told me he couldn't commit to her like she wanted him to, because of how he still felt about me. I literally lost it on him and told him I never wanted to speak to him again. He told me that he DID want to marry me, but how was he supposed to know if I was the one if he's never dated around? I understood that part but I was still hurt and went into NC. He begged me not to leave, sent me texts like, "Look, the thought of you leaving forever horrifies me," "I miss your smile," etc. I finally agreed to see him for coffee one day, and there it was, the spark was back again- it was very tangible- I could literally grab it out of the air and show it to you.

 

The swing from hating him to loving him scared the hell out of me. I couldn't understand why it was happening, my ex told me he was falling back in love with me. I couldn't understand why the spark came back after so long of trying to find it again. He told me that he couldn't give me answers in the beginning was because he didn't know the answers himself. He ended things with the girl, but isn't coming back to me- because he's still unsure, but he's gone from No to Maybe, yes-ish, on his own. I never made him dump the girl, I even told him to date her, that I no longer cared about him or her.

 

I'm now in very limited contact, because I need my space to figure out my feelings towards him and give him the space to figure out how he really feels about me. The most contacts have come from his part, often asking if I would be up for doing something with him, which I do, very occasionally. It's been quite painful for me whenever we have to part for the night, after having him leave lingering hugs or touches of some sort, or giving me that look of his, or saying something like "You smell so good, etc." The last few months have been hell for me, but I'm still here, and I'm still moving on with my life regardless of whether he comes back or not.

 

You should do the same, keep doing what you're doing. You have only begun your battle- I hope the end is near for me, because it's nearly been a year since we broke up last february.

 

Let him be, maybe he'll come to his senses sooner or later, but he has to do it on his own. Maybe he'll do what my ex is doing. Good luck!

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

Okay, so there's been some big changes going on here.

 

Over the holidays, my best friend has been slowly but surely warming up to me, being a great deal more attentive, friendly, thoughtful... but I've still been really afraid to approach him on any level other than just casually ever since the original sitch happened with our 'acquaintance'. (Yes, I consider this woman an acquaintance now - because I've really decided that what she did was pretty much inexcusable - but she's out of the picture now, so I'm rambling.)

 

Then, I'll say around Christmastime, something happened to me where I just decided that I wasn't going to beat around the bush any longer - that I was going to speak him to plainly about how I was feeling and thinking - that I was going to be honest with him, completely and totally. I guess you could say that it was my New Year's resolution, so to speak. See, because my best friend is so inexperienced with women, he's just very reticent about approaching them and even more reticent about talking about how he feels. So a lot of the time, I don't really know what he's thinking - and I won't know unless I ask him. He'll tell you if you ask, though. But it also makes me not want to reveal my feelings, either. We're really much more alike than I want to admit to.

 

So I took a chance, and I told him. "Listen, I know that you don't feel the same for me that I do for you, but I really like you a lot. I trust you with everything, and I'm proud to be your friend. You know that I want you, but even if I never get to be with you that way, you know that I'll always be there for you." I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the general gist of the message. To my utter shock, his response was that 'he cared about me very deeply - on a more-than-friends level - but he wasn't exactly sure of how much, or to what extent it went.'

 

This is a nearly-opposite point of view from what was going on just two months ago.

 

In further discussion with him, I had found out that one of the reasons why he was afraid to come closer to me was that he thought that I was going to laugh at him or make fun of him - "haha, I slept with xxx, etc.". Which is actually ironic when you think about it, because that's exactly what Miss Acquaintance did to him!!!! My mouth was on the floor by the time he finished explaining. Obviously I did my best to reassure that I would never, ever do this to him - I love him so very much! I would never treat him like that - or anyone else, for that matter!

 

At this point, I am very afraid, and extremely hesitant as to what I should do now, or where to go from here. As stated, he is extremely inexperienced with women, and he's just petrified that he's going to be made fun of because of it. And it's happened before, so his fear has some justification. I know that he needs time, and I'm willing to give it to him, to maybe try to prove myself to him - but admittedly I'm kind of an impatient person, sometimes. We spend hours talking, every day together, and we never get bored, not ever. 5 hours with him feels like 5 minutes.

 

I'm in love!

 

What should I do to curb my impatience? God, I don't want to blow this!

 

Thanks in advance.