marriage problems

[Maria]

i've been married for 2 years now to my husband and we have a beautiful 7 month old baby girl. The deal is that he actions and what he tells me don't correspond to each other. I do everything for him, what ever we are planning i always put his interest first then mine, whenever i'm shopping for example i always think about what he needs, but what is getting hard is that it seems like he doesn't do the same for me. I always thought that when you marry someone it was because you love them so much you always put them first. To me he acts very selfish, since he thinks about himself first then me. For example on my b-day i was 8 months pregnant and i told him that i really did not want to do anything, well he calls me later on and asks if he can go out with him friends since we are not going to do anything, which really hurt my feelings because i would never be that inconsiderate to him. I would do anything to spend all the time i can with him. If my friends invite me somewhere i always invite him, but him he acts like i'm not enough for him to come home he would rather go out with his friends since he is bored!! We are always fighting now and i'm getting to the point that i do confront him with it anymore since it does not do any good. I lye in bed crying softly because i don't deserve this. I think i deserve to be happy. Please give me some advice, any advice will help!!

 

maria

[Tracy]

Hi,

 

I feel sad for your situation. It sounds to me like you have allowed your husband to take away your spirit. You need to first live you life for you. Take care of your new baby- but try to be more independent! Start to do things for yourself and by yourself. The second your husband feels challenged he'll change his tune! The strange thing about men is that no matter how long you are together- the second you start to pull away- that is the second they start to respond. Be strong and independent. Good luck-Hang in there.

i've been married for 2 years now to my husband and we have a beautiful 7 month old baby girl. The deal is that he actions and what he tells me don't correspond to each other. I do everything for him, what ever we are planning i always put his interest first then mine, whenever i'm shopping for example i always think about what he needs, but what is getting hard is that it seems like he doesn't do the same for me. I always thought that when you marry someone it was because you love them so much you always put them first. To me he acts very selfish, since he thinks about himself first then me. For example on my b-day i was 8 months pregnant and i told him that i really did not want to do anything, well he calls me later on and asks if he can go out with him friends since we are not going to do anything, which really hurt my feelings because i would never be that inconsiderate to him. I would do anything to spend all the time i can with him. If my friends invite me somewhere i always invite him, but him he acts like i'm not enough for him to come home he would rather go out with his friends since he is bored!! We are always fighting now and i'm getting to the point that i do confront him with it anymore since it does not do any good. I lye in bed crying softly because i don't deserve this. I think i deserve to be happy. Please give me some advice, any advice will help!! maria

[Guy]

I understand your situation completely Maria. I always believed that love is caring about someone else more than you do about yourself. My sig other has a real tendancy to tell me constantly how important I am and so on but her actions don't seem to correspond. Like your shopping example I am always thinking about her, getting her flowers and cards and so on, and getting nothing in return. She doesn't go out of her way to make time for us very often or put much effort into our relationship. I still love her to death and know that deep down she loves me. But it is very hard when her actions almost never seem to have me in mind. All I can say is that we've talked about it several times (I always feel like such a jerk for bringing it up too because I don't do things for her so I can get something in return)and that has helped. Somethings have changed and some haven't. But I usually feel a lot better when I just explain how she makes me feel. It helps to be firm but non-accusatory, to try and let the other see how they are acting through your eyes. I think we'd be over by now without these talks, so they really have helped. If you and your husband have this sort of communication then take a night and sit him down and just tell him you have to let him know how he's making you feel. My sig other still does a lot of the same things, but now when I complain about them she understands why it bothers me and doesn't get irritated or defensive about it. That's about all the advice that I have cause I haven't figured out what to do about my situation either. And it's really a difficult situation to be in because something's not right but nothing is drastically wrong either. Drives me nuts sometimes

i've been married for 2 years now to my husband and we have a beautiful 7 month old baby girl. The deal is that he actions and what he tells me don't correspond to each other. I do everything for him, what ever we are planning i always put his interest first then mine, whenever i'm shopping for example i always think about what he needs, but what is getting hard is that it seems like he doesn't do the same for me. I always thought that when you marry someone it was because you love them so much you always put them first. To me he acts very selfish, since he thinks about himself first then me. For example on my b-day i was 8 months pregnant and i told him that i really did not want to do anything, well he calls me later on and asks if he can go out with him friends since we are not going to do anything, which really hurt my feelings because i would never be that inconsiderate to him. I would do anything to spend all the time i can with him. If my friends invite me somewhere i always invite him, but him he acts like i'm not enough for him to come home he would rather go out with his friends since he is bored!! We are always fighting now and i'm getting to the point that i do confront him with it anymore since it does not do any good. I lye in bed crying softly because i don't deserve this. I think i deserve to be happy. Please give me some advice, any advice will help!! maria

[Totally Confused]

My mother told me she felt the same way when she and my father were first married. When my older brother was born (he was her first child) my father brought them home from the hospital. He brought them upstairs, put my mother in the bed, put my brother in her arms and was out the door. She felt so alone and scared, being with a newborn by herself. She felt like he'd just abandoned her. He did basically the same thing when all 4 kids were born (4 kids in my family). He'd tell my mother, I'm going out with the guys for a bit, nothing is going on here. My mother was hurt and carried a lot of resentment toward him for that. My mother realized over the years that a lot of it was fear, on his part. Yes, she was scared, but he was terrified. Now not only is he married, but he has a kid too. I don't think he's bored with you, I think he's really genuinely scared. It looks like he's abandoning you (which in essence he is) but he doesn't know what to do or how to feel or even why he's doing it. Have you told him, you don't like it when he leaves you alone for so long? Have you asked him, do I bore you? You see, you are not just his wife anymore, you are also a mother. It's something new to him, that he doesn't understand in a subconcious sort of way. He'll get used to it, but I would suggest you nip it in the bud and do something about it now, before you end up getting bitter or resentful toward him any further. You might want to try leaving him alone with the baby and say, "I'm going out with the girls, my mother, etc., the babies yours to watch tonight - goodbye." If he gets mad that you're leaving, just say "You do it all the time to me, and besides I need a break, it's your child too." Make him stay with the baby more, so he gets more comfortable with his new role. You also might want to tell him everything you feel and suggest a marriage councelor. That might be your best option. I hope everything works out for you - Good Luck.

[Also unappreciated]

Maria:

 

I too am in the same boat you are in. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and do most the giving, he does most of the taking. I know that I deserve better and I have verbally demanded it of him. Now I'm waiting to see if he comes through or not. If not, I told him to take a hike. Life is far too short to be with someone who doesn't care about you or love you the way you need to be loved. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. If the results are not positive or you get no results then consider it isn't meant to be. You deserve better, don't expect any less. Good luck.

 

************************************************************

I understand your situation completely Maria. I always believed that love is caring about someone else more than you do about yourself. My sig other has a real tendancy to tell me constantly how important I am and so on but her actions don't seem to correspond. Like your shopping example I am always thinking about her, getting her flowers and cards and so on, and getting nothing in return. She doesn't go out of her way to make time for us very often or put much effort into our relationship. I still love her to death and know that deep down she loves me. But it is very hard when her actions almost never seem to have me in mind. All I can say is that we've talked about it several times (I always feel like such a jerk for bringing it up too because I don't do things for her so I can get something in return)and that has helped. Somethings have changed and some haven't. But I usually feel a lot better when I just explain how she makes me feel. It helps to be firm but non-accusatory, to try and let the other see how they are acting through your eyes. I think we'd be over by now without these talks, so they really have helped. If you and your husband have this sort of communication then take a night and sit him down and just tell him you have to let him know how he's making you feel. My sig other still does a lot of the same things, but now when I complain about them she understands why it bothers me and doesn't get irritated or defensive about it. That's about all the advice that I have cause I haven't figured out what to do about my situation either. And it's really a difficult situation to be in because something's not right but nothing is drastically wrong either. Drives me nuts sometimes