Am I crazy or not?

[All4what]

I am afraid that this may be long winded and I will apologize up front for that. First of all, let me give some back ground-- I am 42 was divorced from my first marriage when I was 30. I have 2 children-- now 23 and 21. I swore off the opposite sex forever (don't we all do that at first?) I met my current H about a year and a half later through my sister. He had just gone through a divorce (they were married for 2 1/2 years) He had full custody of their son (2 at the time) She left him and their son when the baby was 6 months old.

 

We dated for about 6 months and then we started to get serious. After another 3 months he asked me and my kids to move in with him. After a lot of talking between the two of us and my kids (they were older) we agreed and we moved. We lived together for 4 years before we got married. We have currently been married 6 going on 7 years in January. My kids are grown and out of the house and my SS is now 14. We have been together 12 years total.

 

The problem is his ex-- she is some piece of work. She came back into the picture when she heard that I had moved in with her ex. When she left him, she got the divorce that she wanted and then she proceeded to marry her half cousin-(this is not legal in our state so she had to go to another one) Once she heard of me (through her parents) she moved back to the state and started seeing her son again (she had gone several years with only a few visits) This went on for about 2-3 years. Her and her current H moved closer to us and built a home. We actually thought this would be good for my SS to have his mom back in his life again. After time, my H let their son live with her most of the time as she didn't work, we both did and it saved on the cost of baby sitting. During this time, she kept telling me she wanted to be my friend--get along-- it was the best for everybody and I really did try. She wasn't my type of person, but I agreed that for their son it was the best. One thing kept nagging at me though, she was always at our house when I wasn't and she always wanted to touch and have her hands on my then boyfriend. I didn't like it, and when I mentioned it to him, he just said that is how she was and he hated it but didn't know how to make her stop. I actually had a conversation with her about how uncomfortable it made me and I wished she wouldn't do it. She soon divorced her 3rd H and met and married H #4 (there has been a total of 7 all together) There was always something about my H and her when they were together, like they had this secret and I couldn't put my finger on it. Something wasn't right about it. He would get so mad at things she said and did to SS but he would never confront her on them. He would always be sickly sweet to her when she called on the phone and SHE CALLED A LOT.. to talk to him about their son. These calls always ended up with him in another room away from me. I didn't like this either and told him about many times. He just said he didn't mean to do that, it just happened.

 

Two years ago, we had a HUGE falling out with his EX. Big blow up in our yard and she blurted out that her and my H had been having an affair for years. She continued to call me all sort of names, told me to open my eyes and try to make my H keep his pants on. Of course, I didn't believe her. She would lie when it was easier to tell the truth. But a few days later, my H came clean and said that they had had an affair back before we got married. When she came back, she said she wanted to get back together with him and he actually thought about it. He said the affair didn't last long and he knew he wanted to have me in his life and not her.

 

So here we are today, she dosen't know that I am aware of the affair, that I know of. I am sure he didn't tell her. She continues to call him using their son as an excuse (remember he is 14) Once she gets him on the phone she goes on and on and on about anything to keep my H on the line. He knows I don't like it, I have told him I don't. Most of the times he won't answer her but he does from time to time and it is driving me crazy. Why don't he lay it on the line to her and tell her to quit calling him unless it is a legitimate reason but he won't. I have read hundreds of articles that said to get over an affair, the person who cheated has to have no contact with tho OW. How can we do this when she is the BM of his son? She is trying to make trouble, I know it in my heart. and so does he, but it's like an obsession. When she calls his cell and I answer, she hangs up. If she had something legitimate to say she wouldn't hang up. Am I crazy to stay around? I don't trust her and I don't trust him when she is around. There is just something about their relationship that I don't get. He says he can't stand her, but his actions say differently.

 

I have tried to talk to him about it and he assures me that nothing is going on. He lets me obsess. He lets me check his calls. In the last 3 months she has called him 42 TIMES. He has actually only talked or answered her 5 of those times. I really just don't know what to do.

[nancyleeh]

Your right, he has to have contact with the mother of his child but I wonder if he is trying his best to reassure you that nothing is going on....not to say anything is....but if there isn't anything between them other than caring for their child, then he could help the matter by only talking to her when you are present, be it in person or when they are talking on the phone, you should be there. His allegence should be towards you. I'd love to say, oh, you should just trust him till you have reason not to but he has been the sneaky one in the past and it's his responsibility to now be willing to show you he has nothing to hide adn be completely up front with any contact he has with her. It's his job to control her and tell her to stop calling so much but the ball is in your court to let him know what you want from him.

 

nancyleeh

[peterparks]

Just trust what your heart tells you and you will not go wrong.