khat12 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 my boyfriend just went to a bachelor party. the morning after, he called me from the airport and said he was sorry. he went to a strip club and got a lapdance. just the fact that he felt so guilty he had to call me from the airport to confess shows me he knows he cheated on me. (to me, cheating is anything sexual between your S.O. and someone who is NOT YOU. and grinding genital areas together whether there's clothes involved or not counts!) i asked him why he did it. i know that if i ever let a naked man dry hump me, he would kill me! he said "i was too drunk. my friends were egging me on. i wasn't thinking straight. i'll never do it again." it's unreasonable to think he'll never get wasted again when another bachelor party comes up. equally unreasonable to believe his friends won't try to pressure him again. can i truly believe he'll never get another lapdance? or do worse? i know it's silly to break up a 2.5 yr relationship over something like a lapdance, but how can you stay in a relationship when you're afraid of what might happen in the future? how do i trust him again? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Honestly... Show him you are hurt and upset but really, let it go... You can always fear what the future will bring but he seems to know what what he did was wrong (at least how you guys see this, it wouldn't bother me too much at all) so be happy about that and give him a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Be grateful that you have a b/f who cares enough to tell the truth. Not many would. It was a mistake but these things happen so don't let it ruin what sounds like an otherwise good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Honestly... Show him you are hurt and upset but really, let it go... You can always fear what the future will bring but he seems to know what what he did was wrong (at least how you guys see this, it wouldn't bother me too much at all) so be happy about that and give him a chance. I agree with this. So, you define this as cheating. But it's over, and I would tend to believe him that he's truely remorseful. You've got a guy that chose to be honest with you even though he knew there was a chance to lose you. It would've been very easy to just not tell you. Trust him, because even though he made a mistake he confessed without prompting. Let him know that you are very upset, and maybe the two of you can agree to change some aspect of the relationship. Like maybe next time he doesn't go to the next bachellor party if he knows they are heading to a strip club. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 hey, wow, I know a few people who do not think that lapdancing is cheating. I don't, of course. Nonetheless it's disrespectful. But what I find amazing about your guy is that he actually called you and confessed. I think this puppy is a keeper. You're a lucky girl to have someone like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 ANYTHING COULD BE CLASSIFIED AS CHEATING...REALLY IS FLIRTING ONLINE WITH SOMEONE CHEATING? SURE, IF U THINK SO IS TELLING SOMEONE ELSE, SAY A WOMAN TELLING ANOTHER MAN, PERSONAL THINGS ABOUT HER MARRIAGE? SURE SEE.......U COULD STRETCH THIS OUT FOREVER..BUT THERE IS cheating AND THEN THERE IS CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEATING! lol Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 QUESTION... i know it's silly to break up a 2.5 yr relationship over something like a lapdance, but how can you stay in a relationship when you're afraid of what might happen in the future? how do i trust him again? ANSWER... the morning after, he called me from the airport and said he was sorry. That is how you build trust. He did not have to tell you. He could have easily lied to you, but he knew that this was something that you would define as cheating. I remember a story of a man who was out with a friend at a party while on a business trip. During the party a woman asked him to dance with her, he started to say yes...then changed his mind, and then excused himself. As his friend was watching he called his wife. He said, "I was just calling to let you know that I love you. And I want you to know that I have you in my mind." His friend asked, "Why did you call your wife?" The man replied,"This is how I defend myself from temptation. If I know that she knows where I am and she knows that I am thinking of her, not only does she know she can trust me, but it is also a 'fence' around me that keeps me from cheating. It keeps my love for her in the front of my mind. When the temptation of another woman arises...even if it is just dancing, then I keep myself from going that one step that may lead to adultery." So, yes, your boyfriend cheated in your definition of the word. But he immediately...after sobering up...told you. Your relationship with him is valuable enough that he wants you to know that he IS sorry. As for the future, you don't know. That is what trust is all about. Just as he may possibly cheat, so may you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 what about this? give me yer opinion on this one? during my last relationship, i did some pretty crazy things and every single one of them were directly related to the depression i had. i did drugs, watched porn, went to chat rooms, was emotionally abusive, lied, the whole nine yards, and this woman i was with knew that in normal life i would never have done this things...but because all that was piled on and asscoiated with shame, guilt etc. i was not able to tell her things because frankly when u are in a depression and trying to kill your self u really don't think to straight let alone realize what the hell u are doing! lol but u know what? when i got better i told her ever single thing. and did it matter? nope! i believe it was actually used against me...i was told she told her friends i was an addict, perv, crazy stalker and reported to the cops! yup that did me a ton of good! lol. and if i had missed anytyhing on my 'list' it was probably because my mind was cooked back then, but, all she would have had to do was ask me and i would have done my best to answer her questions....unfortunately, i was the one that did all the communicating and all she did was be silent and make judgements about me and throw away something great. hey, its great to be someone that admits things but to do that u need another poerson in the room that wants to listen... i would have loved to have that! Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I think that people who after doing something stupid feel bad about it and confess immediately afterwards are the one who most deserve a second chance - that is, _if_ *you* feel like giving him one. Said that, I don't think you should feel particularly lucky or be particularly grateful that he told you the truth. Telling you the truth was just the decent thing to do, the fact that some guys would cheat (whatever cheating is) *and* lie is a different story, luckily your bf is not one of them. You can't know if he'll cheat on you in future, but so far at least you know you can trust him to tell you the truth about it (hopefully). Let him know that you are very upset, and maybe the two of you can agree to change some aspect of the relationship. Like maybe next time he doesn't go to the next bachellor party if he knows they are heading to a strip club. I like bab's advice. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 my boyfriend just went to a bachelor party. the morning after, he called me from the airport and said he was sorry. he went to a strip club and got a lapdance. just the fact that he felt so guilty he had to call me from the airport to confess shows me he knows he cheated on me. (to me, cheating is anything sexual between your S.O. and someone who is NOT YOU. and grinding genital areas together whether there's clothes involved or not counts!) i asked him why he did it. i know that if i ever let a naked man dry hump me, he would kill me! he said "i was too drunk. my friends were egging me on. i wasn't thinking straight. i'll never do it again." it's unreasonable to think he'll never get wasted again when another bachelor party comes up. equally unreasonable to believe his friends won't try to pressure him again. can i truly believe he'll never get another lapdance? or do worse? i know it's silly to break up a 2.5 yr relationship over something like a lapdance, but how can you stay in a relationship when you're afraid of what might happen in the future? how do i trust him again? Ok... you think because your BF had a lap dance from a complete stranger who got paid to do this "service" probably by your BF's friends... he was drunk...and this is not a common practise for him... ou consider this cheating... Now if it was a prostitute... that would be a different matter. He even called you ... and told you...wow... How again is this cheating... No kissinig ...no emotional connection.. he can't touch her... or maybe the rules for strip clubs where you are.. are different... I'm no expert on strip clubs... maybe been half a dozen times in my life... and it was never was my idea... If this is all you have to worry about... then maybe your insecurity.. is to blame here.... I say this because... I have been where your BF has been... It is uncomfortable... actually repellant... to have a strange naked girl... slapping her but on your crouch..even though you are fully clothed.. when you are in fact in love with someone else... The thing about this is... it is only entertainment.. a bit of harmless fun... but tacky.. for sure.. Here is a question for you... if you found out that your BF masturbated to some porn... would that be cheating? Just curious? Link to post Share on other sites
Author khat12 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Share Posted October 26, 2006 the fact that she was a complete stranger doesn't take out the fact that another woman sexually touched my S.O. with her naked ass and breasts. and i am sick of being called insecure when all i'm doing is acting the same way HE would if the roles were reversed. today's double standards when it comes to men and women make me sick. i should expect him to want other women to touch him sexually just b/c he's drunk, and then i should be grateful that he confesses when he's sober? i know that it's considered cheating to HIM b/c he told me before he even did it he said his brain kept telling him, "don't do it. don't do it. you know this is wrong." but he did it anyway. we've talked about it, and he swears he'll never do it again. but he says that now that he's sober. what should i expect the next time he gets drunk? by the way, HE paid for the lapdance. not his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author khat12 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Share Posted October 26, 2006 sorry, last message was angry b/c i'm tired of being called insecure just b/c i'm upset that my S.O. did something even he considers cheating. i really do appreciate all of your posts and i am definitely trying to get over it. i do realize that it's a good thing he called the next morning to apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Let's see for one it was a bachelor party. That is probably why it happened. I really don't think he did it intentionally. He paid for it because he had too. I think it was just because it was a bachelor party and they got a little carried away. Now, I really don't think that will happen in the future, since he felt so bad and told you right away. Let's see if you went to a bachlorette party and one of those male strippers were all up on you, would you tell him? Would you want him to let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 If she feels it is cheating to have some naked stranger dry humping her man's crotch, then she should not be told it is ok or just harmless fun. I am very secure with myself (as the OP probably is with herself) and I would leave my man in a second if I found out he recieved a lap dance whether he was drunk, sober, at a bachelor party, or just at a strip club for a guy's night. I don't have a problem with lap dances because I feel the stipper is more atractive then me. I have a problem because my boyfriend is having sexual contact with another person besides me. There is no excuse for someone in a realtionship to engage in a behavior that their SO considers cheating. If you have different opinons on what cheating is then break up. If its so uncomfortable then why do it? Some people are OK with their SO getting lap dances, and some are even ok with their SO sleeping with other people. However just because I am not or the OP is not does not make us insecure or jealous people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author khat12 Posted October 27, 2006 Author Share Posted October 27, 2006 you rock, rainfall. thank you so much for understanding that i'm not some insecure freak! i'm just a woman who doesn't give in to society's "excuses" that perpetuate double standards when it comes to men and women! Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 you rock, rainfall. thank you so much for understanding that i'm not some insecure freak! i'm just a woman who doesn't give in to society's "excuses" that perpetuate double standards when it comes to men and women! I feel the same way you do and am used to being called insecure all the time so I know how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted October 27, 2006 Share Posted October 27, 2006 Wow, this thing is new to me!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted October 29, 2006 Share Posted October 29, 2006 I have been married for 20 years...The beginning of my H's cheating started with lap dances at Gentlemen's clubs with his high flying wheeler dealer coworker exec types. They paid for everything, and it was so easy..that was 15 years ago, one 10 year affair ago, and multiple inbetween ago...I think this is frequently how sex addicts get started, and then it's just not enough anymore, and so on and so on and so on.. I wouldn't give up on the relationship, just keep your eyes and ears and other senses open...You will know if it happens again, I guarantee it...Just look for changes in your sex life, his appearance, etc...good luck...and blessings.. Link to post Share on other sites
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