Mother madness

[Shindig]

I have been estranged from my mother for nearly 8 years (since I was 16). I am quite sure she is a high functioning (relatively speaking) borderline personality although she has never been diagnosed (she consistently displays at least 5 of the criteria set in DSM-IV). Periodically I have made the effort to reach out to her and each time she has reminded me exactly why I ceased talking to her to begin with.

 

She has consistently writen stickey sweet postcards/notes and sends gifts (all of which I return). The last time I tried to help her work through her issues/work out some reasonable relationship with her (nearly a year ago) was certainly the last straw. She displays no desire to grow or adapt and seeks only sympathy and people who she can manipulate.

 

I fear that anything beyond tacit refusal to have her be a part of my life would be ignored or even worse, make her angry. Recently, however, her gestures have crossed some serious boundaries. She called my place of work to inquire about my status and for my personal phone number and when neither was provided, she told the person who answered her call that I was wanted for a crime in another state (this was totally untrue: I have never been sought by the law for any reason... I even pay my parking tickets). Fortunately my workplace's policy is not to give out information and the person who answered the call is a friend who knows my situation, but still I'm at a loss for what to do.

 

She has done this for years: reaching out, not for help but rather for attention.

 

I really would like her out of my life for good. I know I'm tied to her genetically and through our family. I'm not sure if I should keep on ignoring her or if I should give her a ring and make it clear she is not welcome in my life. It very well may exacerbate her bad behavior but she may also escalate in the absence of any negative attention. Any suggestions? Thoughts?

[peterparks]

Parental relationships are sometimes hard. But as long as you both ACCEPT each other (I mean you and your mother), then maybe you will see her in a different light.

[tinktronik]

Wow, I have been here .My mother is a diagnosed borderline , and I have done what I call "gone into hiding ". I haven't seen her in years and moved across country specifically to not be anywhere near her . I too get the strange calls from her to work or family members to get info and then when turned away she makes outrageous claims against me.

 

Its very hard. If your mother is a borderline , it will do no good to call and confront her other that to fuel her fire , if you don't talk to her she will eventually turn her eye to being dramatic in someone elses life and forget you for a while. The hardest and easiest thing to do with a borderline is to "untarget" yourself , to get so far out of their thought process that you are no longer a part of their circle , and they move on to another circle. Good luck.

[Shindig]

I'm concerned that returning her packages and letters may be what has been keeping me on her radar all these years as well as friends of the family who don't know about our situation asking about me. Any thoughts?

 

PeterParks: I don't know if you've ever dealt with someone with a personality disorder or one as difficult as a borderline personality: it is not as easy as acceptance. The borderline personality is an underappreciated disorder and notoriously difficult to treat. The etiology is not well understood but consistently involves brain damage in the region of the brain that controls memory formation. The borderline personality tends to compartmentalize things as good or bad - there is no inbetween.

 

I once tried to explain the positive contributions of a much maligned drug (thalidomide) to my mother: unable to reconcile a positive characteristic in something she had already characterized as 'bad' she broke down in tears and accused me of attacking her verbally.

 

There is not a lot of room for reason with a person who cannot comprehend the full spectrum of greys between black and white. I have certainly accepted her for what she is and as TinkTronic has aptly pointed out, the next step is to get myself off her radar, not to get her to accept me.

 

Thanks for the input!

[tinktronik]

I don't know what to tell you . I too have recieved the letters and gifts sent to my ex H home in an effort to get him to talk me into reconcilliation with my mother . She does not have my address and I have made it clear to all other family members that if they cannot respect my wish for complete privacy(away from her) I cannot have a relationship with them.Most are understanding and will not discuss me with her at all because they too are often targets for her phocus also. It is very difficult to be the child of a borderline, I have read a lot of material written by people who have the experiance of being married to or in a relationship with a BPD , but very little is out there about how to deal with a BPD if you are their child . I know firsthand that it is very difficult to be a child uncapable of handling the BPD symptoms in a parent and not understanding why. My suggestion here is to completely cut off contact ,if changing addresses is an option , do it .But make it to where you are completely out of her phocus.

[Guest]

if this is the case that her family and friends and ex bfs must stay away...wouldn't that mean that NOBODY should be in her life? does that mean someone with BPD should be locked up away from society? that makes no sense

so someone like this will probably be alone all their life and die young?

[Shindig]

The mantra of a borderline personality is "I hate you - don't leave me". In a severe enough egosyntonic disorder the person inevitably alienates themself (perhaps making it egodystonic?) Certainly not a choice anyone would make for themselves, but 'fixing' borderline personality disorder (BPD) is not my or any other friend or family member of someone suffering from BPD's job, especially when the person isn't making the effort to fix it themselves.

 

Borderlines often refuse to seek therapy claiming that the people around them are the ones who need 'fixing'. The few who do seek therapy inevitably leave therapy as soon as they are challenged to grow or settle with therapists who offer sympathy instead of growth.

 

Drug therapy is very unreliable and can only treat one or two of the symptoms of such a disorder at a time and cannot modify behavior (unless you sedate them... usually forwned upon). As soon as the drug treatment stops, the symptoms return.

 

The bottom line is, I'm not going to try to help someone who doesn't want to be helped, especially at the expense of my own emotional health and time that I value for doing things that I enjoy, helping people who want to be helped. My mother will probably die alone and young because even if we had developed an effective treatment for BPD, she would likely refuse it or stop as soon as she felt threatened. There is no effective treatment for BPD.

 

For examples of portrails of borderline personalities in literature and film: Alex (Glen Close's character) in Fatal Attraction, Katherine Trammel (Sharon Stone) in Basic Instinct, Gina in Nip/Tuck, Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest, Winona Ryder's character in Girl Interrupted, Gia (Angelina Jolie) in Gia, and Edward in the Secretary. There are a few others but just to give a few in subjective and objective camps.

[tinktronik]

Well said Shindig.It seems you know your own anwser. Many times you will get from people who don't know, how "cold hearted" you are , but those who do understand would not give the same advice at all . I don't think your being extreme enough in your measures with your mother .

To add to your information, borderlines often leave a string of others lives throughout their own destroyed , almost every person they come into confidential or personal conflict with , husbands , siblings , children, parents .ect. I spent years watching my mother burn through lives not ending relations with others but destroying the persons lives so badly that they were never able to recoup or had to start over in a new place with people who were not aware that my mother ever existed. Ive known other bpd diagnosed women (as this is most commonly a female diagnosis) who have done the same while claming victimization and just moved on when their "targets" lives were without benefit to them . Very interesting and shocking thing .You really can't give advize on the matter unless you have personal or clinical knowlodge of the diagnosis itself.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Tinktronic: " If your mother is a borderline , it will do no good to call and confront her other that to fuel her fire , if you don't talk to her she will eventually turn her eye to being dramatic in someone elses life and forget you for a while. The hardest and easiest thing to do with a borderline is to "untarget" yourself , to get so far out of their thought process that you are no longer a part of their circle , and they move on to another circle."

 

Great explanation coming from your experience (both you and Shindig).

 

And Shindig -your realization that removing yourself from your mother's focus (or line of fire) is the same answer that I personally found to be the best solution when I divorced my Bipolar husband.

 

It was just too much for me to stay married to someone who refused to take his medication, or show up to his therapy sessions.

 

Of course, BPD and Bipolar are two different illnesses, but I found myself in much the same circumstances as you describe with your mother; it was just best for me to quietly fade to the background by allowing the contact to gradually cool down, and me, to finally disappear from his radar, which seemed to cause him to focus on other people to make miserable.

 

I sometimes think about the people who are being sucked into his life -unsuspecting victims, most of them.

 

But my greatest responsibility is to be a healthy mom for my children and for myself -and that isn't always possible with *some* partners having certain mental illnesses or disorders.

 

It's a difficult decision -and one that many people will probably be confused about if you cut off contact- but recognizing that, if you stay in contact, you may be giving up your opportunity to ever be happy or healthy- can take some of the "sting" out of the decision to *save yourself*.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Shindig]

Thanks for the input: It is really nice to know I'm not alone.

[tinktronik]

Thanks for the input: It is really nice to know I'm not alone.

Here too. Its a hard thing to understand .If you need to talk you can pm me.

[Shindig]

It has been some time since I posted on this thread but my mother situation has gotten more complicated... (as if it could).

 

My mother recently suffered illness, I'm not sure how serious as we're still estranged but my siblings claim it was bad. I'm not entirely certain it wasn't at least half attention seeking and half legitimate illness. It seems she has been pressuring my brother to move in with him to 'take care of her'. Even though my brother is on as good terms as one can be with a BPD, he has two small children. My brother won't admit she was abusive with us (her children) but still won't let her be alone with my nieces. I can't imagine his marriage would survive her either.

 

He's pressuring me to leave my job/professional school and move halfway across the country to take care of her full time. He calls at all hours, at home, at work, in the middle of the night. At this point I'm totally frustrated with his stalwart blind attitude. He calls to tell me he's found an apartment for me, he's going to pay me to do it, she has to have someone who knows her look after her, etc.

 

I'm getting to the point where I don't take his calls. I'm not interested in being estranged from my brother on top of being estranged from my mother. Any advice is welcome.