Is it me or is it her?

[Guest]

I just got into college, I live in an apartment. I got a new computer that I worked all summer for. This should be the setting for something wonderful.

 

College is hard, I'm falling behind, missing classes, missing assignments. I go off my Prozac. First week I'm going a bit crazy because I've already missed so much. My computer didn't work so I had to send it in. Computers are one of the more important things in my life.

 

I get it back, it still has problems. My roommate is practically non-existent, and when he is here, he causes problems. I am alone in an uncomfortable place, with literally no human contact. Friends slowly come, however my girlfriend is resistant to them.

 

Since I've been at college, there has rarely or never been an instance where I have seen a friend without having to go through some kind of drama because of it.

 

Everytime I go out, or someone comes over, the following happens.

*My girlfriend suddenly becomes sad or upset and in need of me the moment I'm about to go out. This holds me back from going out, and I must tend to the matter or I get into a fight over it.

*My girlfriend text messages me through the entire time I'm with my friends, and if I don't respond immediately, she gets upset and starts to call. Thus, a fight issues and I end up going home and fighting with her.

*My girlfriend gets mad at me the next day. When is fester overnight, the fight usually lasts a day or two after that.

 

Examples of the above:

*I went to my friend's house for the night, and she had a breakdown for no apparent reason. She took an overdose of medication and told me about it through text messaging. I forgot to mention, I hate txt messaging with anyone because I suck at it. This is an example of how I can never focus on simply having fun with anyone else except for her.

 

*She gets mad at me so I go out with a friend instead of staying home and cry. She calls while I'm with my friends and continues to yell at me, she goes on about how I'm an ******* and a retarded and threatens to end the relationship. I do nothing, except joke about it later, although I am very hurt and offended.

 

*First time I go out with anyone was when I went down to the bookstore with my friend Miguel. He's my first friend and very girly, no a threat to anything. Girlfriend calls upset while I'm with him, I have to talk on his phone because mine is dead. He's dropping his friend from high school off, who is completely unattractive. I mention it and she gets upset.

*She's admitted it herself. She does not want me to live the college life, and is afraid that I will replace her with someone else, be it a friend or a crush, either way it doesn't matter.

 

I've tried to confront her about this several times, and all have ended in utter disaster. I am writing this right now because the said has happened again.

I told her she was suffocating me and that really set her off.

 

After a huge fight, my girlfriend and I really tried to settle things, however the next day she got extremely upset with me again because I bought some weed from a friend. My girlfriend does weed with me often, however she doesn't like me to be with my friend/dealer because she claims he's sleazy. I'm gone with him for about 10 minutes and she texts me twice. It's safe to say that I'm in perpetual communication with her. She goes on about how I'm going to become a drug fiend and that she wants me here, not off in some far out world. She's fixed on the concept of me "being here" mentally. She constantly goes on about how I'm distant. I do have add, and am a floaty in-the-clouds kind of person, and have always been so. She makes me promise to only do drugs with her. I do.

 

Things are resolved because of my promise. Everything is going well. This week I contact no friends and stay home everyday, alone in my apartment. I'm trying to get a new complex, one with less crime around it and with others living with me, so I go to the office everyday waiting for them to give me the keys to a new place. It's been three days since my "move out date" and I still am stuck here because of bad management. I'm going crazy at this point. Everyday I come home angry and upset. My computer still doesn't work, I try tech support again and waste a whole night solving nothing. I've probably spent about 20-15 hours on the phone with them. (Don't get alienware). She gets mad at me for spending time on this because she doesn't understand how important it is to me.

 

Some things I've noticed

*Everytime we resolve our fights, my girlfriend claims that she realizes that shes been very insecure and asks me to be patient. She worries that she has pushed me away with her insecurity, and that I am "distant" because of it. However, the next day she goes back to saying that all this is because of me

*She gets very mad at me when I get frustrated with her, but I feel I have the right to be. I am mad often, as I am very stressed and have been for the past two months.

*Everytime I recommend something, i.e "Why not try showing your insecurity in a different, more productive way?" She somehow skews it and uses it against me. Now she tells me to call and text her all the time, and she keeps pressing that I'm not giving her enough love, claiming this is her new way to express her insecurity. I spent every night talking to her, telling her that I love her. I've spent the past few weeks constructing an extraordinary present and writing a poem for our anniversary. She acts like I'm utterly absent from this relationship, however I've been here, fighting with her for awhile. I find that everytime I recommend something, no matter how casual it is, i.e. I once said "If you think I'm distant, pull me back in" she takes it to an extreme and brings it up in every fight. She claims, "I've been trying to pull you back in, but you don't! I've been trying so hard...etc...etc."

 

I feel like I have no personal space now, that every second is "us" and that there is no longer a "me." I have no identity, no personal choice. Everything I do must meet her approval, or else she gets mad. It seems that the only time I can think in peace is when we're fighting, like right now.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know this seems like a huge complaint, but I still love this girl to death. Despite her insecurity, she's all I could ask for and more. Today is our first weekend together since a long two weeks of fighting and I want to to go right. What do I do? How do I solve this without making her even more upset? I've tried explaining this to her, but in the end it only makes it worse. I feel like this relationship is on a helpless downward spiral, and I need to do something.