guilt

[4040]

Through my inablity to know when to control my emotions and when not to, I have utterly sabotaged a relationship with quite a decent person.

 

It was a long distance situation of about 6 months.

 

It never quite developed into a full relationship, and mostly I blame myself for not being able to be clear about how I felt, and stewing with jealousy when she flirted with others.

 

Last week, I made communication difficult because I was upset and thought I wanted to pull the plug. She got the idea and emailed me a definitive but classy little "so long" today.

 

Now I'm completely regretting it.

I want to send an email explaining things, but I have a feeling I ****ed it up too bad to recover.

 

I'm torn between preserving what little dignity and pride I have by walking away and accepting that I blew it bad, and attempting to salvage with a succinct, well considered reply explaining to her that I have been under tremendous stress due to recent other events in my life (true), wished I had expressed my feelings earlier, acted uncharacteristcally rash and that unfortunately it took this to realize how much I value communicating with her.

 

Honestly, is there a decent chance of this reestablishing things, or would I just be humiliating myself?

 

She's mid-30's btw, if that makes any difference in how she might respond to something like that.

[Guest]

the one thing i have learned regarding your 'issue' is this - it gets easier to 'see' the difference between a 'minor' mistake [emotional booboo] and a 'major' screwup and how to forgive someone. i think the key to that is this - if you see that the person has made progress in not just controling their emotions but doing the things that actually remove the ups and downs overreactions - then of course. its easy to notice when someone says they have changed but keeps repeating behaviours. i thought i should comment on this post because that is something i've personally been working on - not perfect yet! [lol] and never will be - but at least i am 'sponge worthy' now - wink

[D-Lish]

You said you wanted to end things just last week. Did you really want to? Is the only thing that has changed the fact that she is the one who has rejected YOU and now this rejection has affected your perspective?

 

I too sabotaged a relationship with a decent person because I was having second thoughts. He eventually grew tired of my ambivalence and dumped me.... then I got so wrapped up in his rejection of me that I started pining to have him back.

 

Why were you having doubts? What's different about how you viewed your relationship withthis person since last week? If you look long and hard at the situation, you may find that it's the rejection that's bothering you- not the break up.

 

My ex could never have made me happy- and he was all wrong for me. I kinda knew that from day one...which is why I sabotaged things subconsciously I think. I am a woman in my 30's- and we appreciate honesty and communication.

 

If you truly want to be with her and are willing to put the effort into the relationship- then she would probably be happy to hear how you are truly feeling. Communicating with her, especially when you've been unable to do so in the past may be the key to getting her back. I know I would have appreciated communication. It was precisely because he never could open up to me that I believed him not to be right for me.

 

So, if I were you, I'd take a coule days and really think long and hard about whether you want the relationship or not. If you decide you do- then I would send her a response communicating your true feelings.

 

It sounds like she has made the choice to detach from you because she sensed you didn't love her enough. So telling her she's wrong about that may be enough to change her mind. But be sure how you really feel before making that decision and sending the letter.

 

Hope that helps.

Dee

[Guest]

Hey D,

 

Just adding my 2 cents. Let me know what u think ok?

 

I agree that, not only is communication appreciated and needed in difficul times, but withholding it makes both make assumptions. For me, when someone does that I don't view it as them not being right for me - but them telling me that. And that is how one detaches. I don't think telling someone after that has happened is something that would make them change their mind and suddenly start a relationship again. Once someone has detached you are back a sqaure one. You have to start at the beginning again but I do believe telling how you really feel if how u start the ball rolling.

[4040]

You said you wanted to end things just last week. Did you really want to? Is the only thing that has changed the fact that she is the one who has rejected YOU and now this rejection has affected your perspective?

 

I too sabotaged a relationship with a decent person because I was having second thoughts. He eventually grew tired of my ambivalence and dumped me.... then I got so wrapped up in his rejection of me that I started pining to have him back.

 

Why were you having doubts? What's different about how you viewed your relationship withthis person since last week? If you look long and hard at the situation, you may find that it's the rejection that's bothering you- not the break up.

 

I didn't really want to do it, but I was feeling such frustration with my inability to be very open with her, apparent flirting with others, and thoughts that it was on the wane anyway (probably because of my lack of openness) that I was experiencing tons of additional stress (in addition to much from crappy recent events) and looking for some relief.

 

Also the thought that it's a long distance, online thing that I felt I was being silly and taking way too seriously contributed.

 

What's different now, is that although I am a bit saddened and regretful, I don't feel so much inner tension clouding my ability to think.

 

I hear what you are saying about the rejection perhaps causing an enhancement of the feelings. Though technically in a less direct manner (regrettably), I rejected her first.

I wouldn't rule it out.

 

I don't know if it really got far enough to be considered a break-up but it doesn't feel good.

 

So, if I were you, I'd take a coule days and really think long and hard about whether you want the relationship or not. If you decide you do- then I would send her a response communicating your true feelings.

 

It sounds like she has made the choice to detach from you because she sensed you didn't love her enough. So telling her she's wrong about that may be enough to change her mind. But be sure how you really feel before making that decision and sending the letter.

 

Hope that helps.

Dee

I hesitate to use the word "love" though I definitely developed some feelings. It was more like a friendship that was, at times leaning in the direction of developing into more but never did (I take most of the blame for that).

 

Anyway yes, solid advice about taking a few days to think about it.

Perhaps I will feel differently.

 

Thanks.

[Guest]

men and women react to rejection differently and at what stage and why that happens. being a manly man [lol] let me run thru a situation and explain how i would react.

 

1. say i deeply love a woman, and she decides, for reasons unknown to me [at the time], to end a relationship [how long we were together is important] - so how do i react to that rejection? i want her back. i take it personally. normal.

2. so as time progresses, and every attempt from me, is greeted with silence, i start taking that rejection not as something personal but as a curiousity and my wanting be with her deminshes.

3. she starts seeing someone, which is the last stage of the rejection, and i am indifferent and do not react because at that stage - it is truly over.

4. now, say, i start seeing someone and suddenly she decides at that same time she regrets her decision and wants to see me. my rejection would be, yes, we could meet to talk or whatever, but, i have already have feelings for someone else and being someone that is committed to the person i am with ensures my feelings remain where they should be. and as anyone would tell you whenever the 'timing' of the 'return' occurs when the other has 'start with another' that is something that works against the one showing interest. that is actually the worst time to do that if u are hoping to reunite. the best time to show the other u 'regret' your decision is when u have done so, without having someone seeing another u left with someone.