Almost 5 yrs, no ring, ?

[Country_Girl]

I was hopeing for some advice, because latley I've just become so frustrated.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for close to 5 years, living together for over 4.5 years. Marriage has always been an open discussion from the start of our relationship, and he has always said I'm the one he wants to marry.

 

Over the last 2 years, I've been getting a little depressed though. I've been to roughly 10 weddings in that time, and even though I'm over-joyed for those friend/family members that opened up a new chaper in their lives, I can't help but feel sorry for myself as my bf's promises of marriage remain unfulfilled.

 

He hasn't proposed yet, and to be honest, I don't know if he ever will. The main issue is he thinks he needs to buy a big expensive ring, even though I have told him over & over again, it could be a $100 ring, heck, it could even be a quarter machine ring from the super market! But yet, he maintains that he wants to get me a "nice" ring. Fine, so be it- but the problem is, he doesn't have the credit to finance something like that, and in all this time he hasn't even saved any money for such a thing.

 

2 years ago he had no problem saving for a remote control truck that cost $600. And you know where that truck is? It's been in the closet for the last year, I think he maybe used it 3 times.

 

I've brought up this issue with him a few times (maybe 5 times) and let him know that it hurts me. He usually gets upset & crys (he's pretty sensitive) says he feels so horrible for not being able to get me a ring. Then I just feel like an ass for even bringing it up & drop it.

 

I'll be approaching my 25th birthday soon, and I just don't want to be 30 (and at this rate, 40) by the time I finally get married. All my friends are starting their families & haveing children now, while I continue to wait.

 

I don't want to put pressure on him, and I don't want him to propose because he feels that's the only way he can keep me- but at the same I feel like I should just give up on this relationship and move on, because it hasn't progressed to the next level.

 

Am I being selfish? Or should I just wait it out? Any advice/similar situations, please help me out. Thanks very much;) .

[adnCat]

You are definitely not being selfish!

 

If he wants to get you a honker of a ring (for whatever reason) and you don't care if it comes out of a gumball machine, tell him to get a simulated stone, like a nice CZ. That is what I prefer, since I think jewelry is just something pretty to wear and look at, but really has no function.

 

Clearly, saving $$ should not be an issue since he has displayed in the past that he can do this. Not to mention the fact that you are perfectly fine with a modest ring.

 

Based on this, I'm I'm thinking maybe the ring thing isn't the only issue, or maybe it is just an excuse and he has other reasons for waiting.

 

I suggest you have another talk with him, but don't make the topic of the talk letting him know that it hurts you that the relationship is not progressing. Tell him that you don't want to force him into anything any more than he wants to be forced into it. Tell him being engaged would make you happy, but not under circumstances that a proposal came about from duress. Tell him you want to talk about when it can happen, when he will have the money saved. If he's still crying "no money for the ring" instead of talking about the issue, call him on it! Ask him if he is having any doubts. Tell him you'd rather talk about, even if it hurts to hear it, to see if you can work it out, rather than him keeping it to himself. You need to find out if waiting is a good idea or not.

 

He'll probably not want to lose you, but don't say "if you aren't going to marry me anytime soon, I've got to leave." Don't make it an ultimatum; this discussion should really be for discovery of his feelings and intentions. Ultimatums are a bad, bad idea. They usually come about on the fly because of frustration, and if they aren't well thought out and planned, you probably won't follow through when he doesn't cave. It will be reduced to an empty threat, and empty threats are pretty useless.

 

Lastly, I've gotta say I totally empathize! I'm in a very similar situation. I'm 27, he's 28, we've been together for about 8 years, and it has really been the last 2 years or so that this has become a real issue. It is so hard to put on a happy face and sit around and watch as all your peers pass you by in getting engaged, married, and having children. ring cost and saving for it isn't an issue for us, but I'm still in waiting mode. He always had an excuse about education/career, but I've discovered over the year that their are underlying issues. Getting to the root of these has slowly helped. We are both sure we can work through anything, and things are improving.

 

At the same time, I realize that improvement could possibly slow to a crawl or even a dead stop at any time, so I've given myself a generous timeline. If I'm not engaged by a certain date, I'm going to have to walk away. This could result in him coming back with a ring, but I'm prepared for him not to. Worse case scenario, he finds another girl and gets engaged within 6 months, but then at least I'll know we weren't right for each other. I bet your rejecting the idea of setting a timeline for yourself as you read this, because I went to a forum with the same issue a few months ago. I thought a deadline, even for myself, wasn't an option, because after 8 years, life without him was unimaginable. It will take time for you to realize that this is the right thing to do, and that is okay.

[Guest]

if two people know that they truly love someone and are "in love", and communicate openly and honestly, and both are long-term kinda people, and go into relationships without playing games, and there is nothing that sidetracks those things [illness, job, etc.- then i would assume you would have a ring on yer finger by now. so take a good look at why that hasn't happened after 5 years. speaking for myself, when i start a relationship with someone it is for that purpose - to grow old with that person and being a romantic kinda fool i would want to be married. and i was once before, and i will again. not the jaded anti-marriage guy at all.