Light His Fire Book

[Hope01]

In my other thread called Affection, norajane suggested a book called Light His Fire by Ellen Kreidman. Well, I went to the bookstore yesterday and bought the book. I read a few chapters and I must admit, this book sounds to good to be true. In one of her comments she stated "You will see incredible almost magical changes take place in your life and most important, in your mate". Has anyone here read the book and also seen changes within their spouse or SO?

 

I just don't think something like this will work with my hubby, not saying I won't try, after all I did buy the book. I've tried different ways to get my hubby to react to some of the things that I do, such as when I mentioned about me being non-affectionate and asked for his help in the Affection Thread. He wouldn't help me, therefore, I didn't get the support that I needed from him.

 

I remembered a conversation I had with my hubby and it went like this:

 

Me: I love how you have a knack for fixing things around the house. You are really good at it. Would it be possible to take a look at what's going on with the garbage disposal?

Hubby: I'm a mechanic and that's my job that's why I can fix things around the house

Me: ***(Thinking) "Man, I try to compliment my hubby and it just goes right over his head"....and then I walk away frustrated because he didn't even take it as a compliment.

 

I guess I just don't know how to give a good compliment. The other day, I mentioned to my hubby about how nice he looks good in the shirt he was wearing and he replied "hmmmm"...and that was it. I wish he could take compliments but I feel like I fight with his inner critic when I do.

 

The touching game that was mentioned in Dr. Ellen Kreidman book, I really thought that would be good for me to become more affectionate, however, if I mention this to my hubby, I just won't get a very good response. Knowing him, he will probably have that same statement of "Why should I make extra effort on helping you to become more affectionate just to make me happy" that I mentioned in my Affection Thread.

 

So, I thought I would make my own affection game. When he got home yesterday, I made it a point to be affectionate 3 times during the night. While he was on the computer, I wrapped my arms around him and not an affectionate response back from him when I did this. Later on, I rubbed his back and not one thing of "hey that's nice". So, my last (3rd) affectionate was while he was watching t.v. in the other room, I leaned over and gave him a kiss. But I feel like he didn't even notice my efforts. Granted, its been a while (probably about several months) that I taken the initiative in being affectionate that many times, but I would hope because of my efforts, he would have noticed, but he didn't at all.

 

So, now I'm not sure if I should continue my efforts.

[ilmw]

Hi,

 

I read light her fire...same author...

 

Its my understanding that...you have to keep doing the things mentioned... in the book.... not just once...

 

If your H is not used to affection from you... he migh be in shock? from all this attention and warmth that is coming out of left field....

 

Keep it up and want to keep it up... let him see the love and warmth is real... see what happens....

 

but...Like any other book ... it is only a guide...

 

Best of luck

[norajane]

You think he's not noticing because he's not saying or doing anything to respond, but he IS noticing. And if you continue to do these kinds of things frequently and consistently until they feel natural to both of you, he'll start to believe you and will respond the way you want him to.

 

I think you give up a little to easy. When you complimented the way he fixes things and he said it's because he's a mechanic, you just walked away. You need to continue and say something like, I'm so lucky to have an expert in the house, and keep telling him a few more times if he keeps talking...and then get to the "will you take a look at the disposal in the next couple of weeks? I know you'll be able to figure out what's wrong with it because I sure can't!"

 

When you tell him how good he looks in the shirt, go up to him and kiss him and run your hands along his shoulders, his back. He'll notice. And he'll remember. He'll probably start wearing that shirt every week, even though he doesn't say anything about it!

 

And you really, really, really have to stop keeping score. 3 times you touched him, huh? My guy was over the other night and I have absolutely no idea how many times I reached out to touch him, kiss him, stroke his arm or his back or his butt...it could have been 30 or 300. I also have no idea how many times he did the same to me. It's not tit for tat - you have to reach out consistently and often. One night isn't going to change anything!

 

Try touching him without even thinking about how many times it is for like, one month. Do not despair if he doesn't immediately catch on and respond to you. Remember, he's been affectionate with you without you ever initiating since the beginning of your relationship. Imagine how rejected he feels. You feel rejected after one night.

 

Try the touching and compliments and showing appreciation for one month, and then come back and tell us what kind of reaction you're getting from him.

[Gunny376]

I've read her "Light Her Fire" books and also ordered her CD program of the same name.

 

You can't just read a couple of pages, try it one day and expect results, its consistent action over a period of time.

 

All I can say is that I've use the "Light Her Fire" program ~ in conjunction with some other material, and have gotten excellent results going in a relationship, so much so, that it netted me a "Where have you been all my life~!" type response.

 

She's also has another book called "How To Light Your Fire When You Have Children."

 

Again this is just one author, and one set of skill to add to your skill set, you've got to take that and add it to others.

 

Your husband sounds like a lot of men, who don't realize that you've got to date your mate, and that what it took to get her is what it takes to keep her, (not to imply that you're ready to walk) but he needs to wake up to the very real possibility of "Walk-A-Way-Wife's" syndrone, which wrecks so many marriages. (Goggle it)

 

He also sounds like I use to think 16 years ago that going to work and coming home everynight, being a good provider, doing man things around the house, etc was sufficient and all that was needed. But as a4a and I and others have discussed quite in depth ~ its not. a4a compared it to being the equivalent of being a kept pet. I can see her point from a woman's perspective.

 

I to this day, couldn't give you a definitive answer as to why I'm divorced. Sure the XW was cheating, etc ad nauesumn, but all she would ever tell me was that "You've got to change, and you want change so I'm going to divorce you and make your change!"

 

She put some changes on me that for sure and certain. But now that I've been at LS for awhile, I understand that I was meeting her emotional needs, and that I was doing that which I had done to get her in the first place, and I wasn't dating my mate, etc. In short I was neglectful emotionally.

 

There's the equation of E=r, in which when you first do something it requires a tremendous amount of effort, yet yields very little result, but with persistent application the equation becomes e = R, in which just a little bit of effort yields tremendous results. This is true of almost an human endevor.

[IpAncA]

Yeah like the others said. You need to keep on doing it and don't stop. One night doesn't do it and believe me I know.

[Mz. Pixie]

I've read her "Light Her Fire" books and also ordered her CD program of the same name.

 

You can't just read a couple of pages, try it one day and expect results, its consistent action over a period of time.

 

All I can say is that I've use the "Light Her Fire" program ~ in conjunction with some other material, and have gotten excellent results going in a relationship, so much so, that it netted me a "Where have you been all my life~!" type response.

 

She's also has another book called "How To Light Your Fire When You Have Children."

 

Again this is just one author, and one set of skill to add to your skill set, you've got to take that and add it to others.

 

Your husband sounds like a lot of men, who don't realize that you've got to date your mate, and that what it took to get her is what it takes to keep her, (not to imply that you're ready to walk) but he needs to wake up to the very real possibility of "Walk-A-Way-Wife's" syndrone, which wrecks so many marriages. (Goggle it)

 

He also sounds like I use to think 16 years ago that going to work and coming home everynight, being a good provider, doing man things around the house, etc was sufficient and all that was needed. But as a4a and I and others have discussed quite in depth ~ its not. a4a compared it to being the equivalent of being a kept pet. I can see her point from a woman's perspective.

 

I to this day, couldn't give you a definitive answer as to why I'm divorced. Sure the XW was cheating, etc ad nauesumn, but all she would ever tell me was that "You've got to change, and you want change so I'm going to divorce you and make your change!"

 

She put some changes on me that for sure and certain. But now that I've been at LS for awhile, I understand that I was meeting her emotional needs, and that I was doing that which I had done to get her in the first place, and I wasn't dating my mate, etc. In short I was neglectful emotionally.

 

There's the equation of E=r, in which when you first do something it requires a tremendous amount of effort, yet yields very little result, but with persistent application the equation becomes e = R, in which just a little bit of effort yields tremendous results. This is true of almost an human endevor.

 

My how you have grown!

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

 

I remembered a conversation I had with my hubby and it went like this:

 

Me: I love how you have a knack for fixing things around the house. You are really good at it. Would it be possible to take a look at what's going on with the garbage disposal?

Hubby: I'm a mechanic and that's my job that's why I can fix things around the house

Me: ***(Thinking) "Man, I try to compliment my hubby and it just goes right over his head"....and then I walk away frustrated because he didn't even take it as a compliment.

 

I guess I just don't know how to give a good compliment.

 

what? You see that's the problem. Compliments are what WOMEN want. Something like that would make you happy. Guys aren't looking for compliments.

 

Try this "Honey, you're great at fixing things. If you fix the gabage disposal I'll give you a really great BJ" and bat your eyes and smile at him seductively... Good head, not good compliments...

 

The other day, I mentioned to my hubby about how nice he looks good in the shirt he was wearing and he replied "hmmmm"...and that was it. I wish he could take compliments but I feel like I fight with his inner critic when I do.

how about "Honey you look nice in the shirt but unbutton it so I can rub your chest... "

 

... Granted, its been a while (probably about several months) that I taken the initiative in being affectionate that many times, but I would hope because of my efforts, he would have noticed, but he didn't at all.

 

So, now I'm not sure if I should continue my efforts.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again???

 

You expect to change behavior over night? How long has it taken for your relationship to deteriorate? Rebuilding it will take as long.

 

date your mate

Ow... I like that one.

 

And talk to him, seriously and directly. Don't give hints. We don't read hints well. We don't get subtle compliments as a signal you want something. Just tell him what you want. Be honest. If you're hurting tell him and tell him why.

[ilmw]

We don't read hints well. We don't get subtle compliments as a signal you want something. Just tell him what you want. Be honest. If you're hurting tell him and tell him why.

 

I should get that tatooed on my forhead:lmao: :lmao:

[Gunny376]

My how you have grown!

 

And, still growing and learing, I'll never take that part of my life for granted again. Hell No! I don't know it all, and no I don't have all of the solutions to all of the problems, nor all of the answers to the questions, but at least I've got a clue now of where to start to look for the answers and the solutions.

 

"Light Her Fire" to me was just another set of tools, to add to the skill set. But, it in and of itself isn't the pancea of relationships. Add in a little Dr. Gray, ("Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus") a little Dr. Phil. A little Dear Abby, a little Dear Annie, a little Dr. Laura Schlingezeer, a little of real life experience, a touch of MzP, a little LS, etc. it all adds up to one hell of an arnsel.

 

Thing is? Now I know I'm an azzhole! I've got a lot to learn, and I've learned a lot Thanks to people like you! Question is? Where was you lazy azz 16 years ago?

[Gunny376]

In case you can't make it out, the latest altar says, "Slow, Shakey, and Deaf" as in retired Marine a playoff of Force Marine Corps Recon logo of, "Swift, Silent and Deadly"

[Gunny376]

Actually, I'm only 49, and still do a decent 23-1/2 minute~ three mile run.

[Guest]

Gunny, good on ya! You realized there was a problem, sought solutions, and implemented them. I'm very impressed. I'm SOOOO tired of people who rant about self-help books as though somehow the act of writing a book (as opposed to posts on a message forum?!!) devalues advice.

 

You have learned and grown - and that's great. I hope you procreated - or if you haven't, will. The world needs more guys like you, IMHO.

[Hope01]

And you really, really, really have to stop keeping score. 3 times you touched him, huh? My guy was over the other night and I have absolutely no idea how many times I reached out to touch him, kiss him, stroke his arm or his back or his butt...it could have been 30 or 300. I also have no idea how many times he did the same to me. It's not tit for tat - you have to reach out consistently and often. One night isn't going to change anything!

 

Try touching him without even thinking about how many times it is for like, one month. Do not despair if he doesn't immediately catch on and respond to you. Remember, he's been affectionate with you without you ever initiating since the beginning of your relationship. Imagine how rejected he feels. You feel rejected after one night.

 

Try the touching and compliments and showing appreciation for one month, and then come back and tell us what kind of reaction you're getting from him.

I know keeping score isn't the best, however, for someone that hasn't been very affectionate throughout my life and want to be, I feel I need to set a goal, otherwise, I will just keep saying "I want to be affectionate" and then not do anything about it. I feel if I set a goal, then I know its going to happen. Hope this makes sense.

 

If I can get to the point where affection comes naturally, then I won't have to have that goal anymore. But until then, its my silly way of overcoming my non-affectional way.

[Hope01]

Keep it up and want to keep it up... let him see the love and warmth is real... see what happens.

I have to admit initiating affection is still hard for me, but I still do want to be affectionate with my hubby. Its been almost 2 weeks and I still see no results in him initiating affection. Grant it, out of those 2 weeks, he's been out of town for 5 days, but I still feel he would have shown me some affection even with my initiating affection the first few days. But I was wrong. I think the reason why he doesn't initiate affection is simply because he knows I am NOT an affectionate person, therefore, he thinks this is probably a phrase that will go away. I'm really close in just giving up. If I would have seen some affection from him, then I wouldn't feel this way.

 

Wouldn't a week of being affectionate should all this needs in order for him to give it back? I'm not even sure I can last a month without him initiating affection. Since I've been wanting to be more affectionate, he's only initiated affection ONCE and that was when he was being playful. Not once has he initiated holding my hand or given me a hug. Maybe he's right when he says "You are not affectionate", therefore, I'm guessing, maybe that's why he hasn't been initiating affection.

[norajane]

Wouldn't a week of being affectionate should all this needs in order for him to give it back?

 

To be blunt, no, it's not enough.

 

Yes, he probably does think this is a phase that will pass.

 

How long did he initiate without you ever initiating? One week? Or months and months?

[Hope01]

How long did he initiate without you ever initiating? One week? Or months and months?

He initiated for months and months, however, the difference is he's affectionate and I'm not. If I were already an affectionate person, this wouldn't be a problem, however, that is not the case. I "want" to be affectionate and it would be nice to get some reassurance. However, I can't ask him for reassurance because I already have done that and it got shot down. During this "new" phase, I was hoping he would start initiating affection but because he hasn't, makes it more harder for me to keep on doing it.

[Hope01]

I'm just too frustrated with him not initiating any affection. He wins. Wanting to become more of an affectionate person just isn't in me. I'm just not getting the results that I want, therefore, I give up. This is one case that being affectionate didn't get any positive results.

[norajane]

I'm just too frustrated with him not initiating any affection. He wins. Wanting to become more of an affectionate person just isn't in me. I'm just not getting the results that I want, therefore, I give up. This is one case that being affectionate didn't get any positive results.

 

This is your marriage you're talking about. You're willing to give up after a week of trying?

[Hope01]

This is your marriage you're talking about. You're willing to give up after a week of trying?

Its just very frustrating that I'm not receiving any affection from him. This feels like a test. Its like he's thinking "well this is just a phase, therefore, I'll hold back". Its not fun. To be truthful, I'm beginning to think he doesn't want my affection and that's why he hasn't been initiating any affection. Sometimes I even think its already too late.

[norajane]

After months and months of initiating without you doing any initiating, I'm not surprised he's given up, or that it's taking a while for it to sink in, or whatever. It took him a while to shut down and start shutting you out - it didn't happen overnight. It's going to take a while for him to warm up.

 

Don't you like touching him and kissing him anyway? Can't you get something out of the contact even if he doesn't start intiating immediately?

[Hope01]

Don't you like touching him and kissing him anyway? Can't you get something out of the contact even if he doesn't start intiating immediately?

Yes, I like touching and kissing him, however, he's not initiating any affection, therfore, maybe I'm getting the impression he doesn't want me to. That's the feeling I'm getting now, which in turn, is getting me frustrated.

[norajane]

Yes, I like touching and kissing him, however, he's not initiating any affection, therfore, maybe I'm getting the impression he doesn't want me to. That's the feeling I'm getting now, which in turn, is getting me frustrated.

 

I know I keep sounding like a broken record, but your husband could have written those sentences months and months ago, couldn't he?

 

"Yes' date=' I like touching and kissing her, however, she's not initiating any affection, therefore, maybe I'm getting the impression she doesn't want me to. That's the feeling I'm getting now, which in turn, is getting me frustrated."[/quote']

 

It's very likely he's taken that perspective. So no, you initiating for a week isn't going to break through the wall that's built up between you. If you want to give up, it will never get broken through. You can both continue to act like strangers because you don't want to do some work and he's too hurt to let your affection warm him.

 

Your only option is to continue loving him, continue being affectionate, continue initiating until he actually starts to believe that you mean it and that the affection is important to you.

 

I understand you're frustrated and you're afraid he doesn't want you anymore. But if you don't want a cold, affectionless, communicationless marriage, you have to keep working at it.

[Hope01]

I know I keep sounding like a broken record

Its ok. In fact, I'm glad you keep sounding like a broken record because maybe I just need to keep on hearing it in order to keep doing it. There is one thing....why couldn't my hubby communicate to me that he wanted me to initiate affection?

[norajane]

You know him better than I do - is he a communicate his hurt feelings to you kind of guy? Most guys aren't; they just internalize it and get grouchy.

[Hope01]

You know him better than I do - is he a communicate his hurt feelings to you kind of guy? Most guys aren't; they just internalize it and get grouchy.

No, he's not a communicate your feelings kind of a guy. Man, how I wish he was. I guess he's the type of person that wants the affection to feel genuine and if he has to bring it up, he probably thinks it wouldn't be sincere. Does that make sense? But what ever happens to "ask for what you want"...isn't that what men tell us (woman) that? Why can't they practice what they preach? I even have to be honest, sometimes I even blame him for not be able to communicate his feelings, therefore, I don't try as much as I should.