can guys and girls be just friends

[Johnny]

Here's the situation, my girlfriend has a guyfriend that she talks to everyday. This started when the guy broke up with his girlfriend and needed a woman's opinon on how to handle the situation. That didn't bug me a first, now his girlfriend issue is past but now she (calls)still talks to him multiple times a day. I asked her about it, she said she doesn't have many friends in the area and talking with him has become a habit. I talked with her twice about stopping, the last time was last weekend and she's still doing it. It wouldn't bug me as much if we weren't living together. I guess now I need a woman's opion on how I should handle my situation! Thanks

[BeenThere]

Is he calling her at your home?...Is she secretive about their conversations? Are you present or in the room while they are talking?

Here's the situation, my girlfriend has a guyfriend that she talks to everyday. This started when the guy broke up with his girlfriend and needed a woman's opinon on how to handle the situation. That didn't bug me a first, now his girlfriend issue is past but now she (calls)still talks to him multiple times a day. I asked her about it, she said she doesn't have many friends in the area and talking with him has become a habit. I talked with her twice about stopping, the last time was last weekend and she's still doing it. It wouldn't bug me as much if we weren't living together. I guess now I need a woman's opion on how I should handle my situation! Thanks

[Tony T]

Relationships aren't about controlling people. If this guy is a friend of hers and she wants to talk to him, you can't control that. It's much better that she makes these calls where the two of you live than for her to slip out away somewhere to a pay phone.

 

You can't control her but you can control your mind and how you think about it.

 

To make yourself feel better, have your girlfriend invite this guy over for dinner. Get to know him. Ask him questions. Maybe you know some ladies you can introduce him to. Having him over will give you a much better opportunity to check him out and assess his intentions. Be nice to him, though, in any case. After all, he is your girl's friend.

 

I promise you if you get him in the same room with you and your girlfriend you will quickly be able to figure out his agenda.

 

Even if he may be posturing himself to make a play for your girl, if you're not secure enough in your relationship to trust your lady and know she will not respond to the overtures of other men then you've got some problems you need to work out with yourself.

 

It's a different world out there now and the sexes are all mixed together at work, in organizations, and everywhere else. You will go bananas if you try to keep your ladies from talking to and befriending other men.

 

Just be the best boyfriend you can be and if your girlfriend becomes interested in somebody else, you can do the same. Trying to chain someone to you and control their behavior takes a lot of energy and life is way too short to waste it that way. You'll keep ladies around you much longer if you exude confidence and allow them the freedom they seek.

 

If these conversations get to the point you just can't handle them anymore and your girlfriend doesn't want to taper them down, go find another girlfriend.

 

I do understand how you feel...and these calls sort of border on rudeness. But as long as it's just a friendship, it doesn't cross any lines unless she's talking for hours and neglecting you.

[Johnny]

She calls him and He calls her back on her cell phone, she does take the calls when I'm present. Lately she's been going in the other room to talk (I don't know if she's doing that to be secretive or to not bother me). This really wasn't an issue until about two weeks ago when the TV was low, I heard part of the conversation. She appartenly was upset with him for not calling her back, and went into a rather emotional speech about thinking the worst. She had apparently tried multiple numbers (home, work, cell, parents) more contact numbers than she has for me. That's when I started to get concerned(upset), from my past I know that sooner or later in a guy/girl friend relationship someone is going to want more than just a friendship. I've talked with her about it and she said she wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed and can understand why I'm upset. She's still calling him now if it at home, the calls are shorter and when I'm not in the room. Now, what am I suppose to think?

Is he calling her at your home?...Is she secretive about their conversations? Are you present or in the room while they are talking?

[clia]

Personally, I think it sounds fishy that she talks to him that much. I'm a firm believer that men and women can be friends, but talking multiple times a day seems excessive to me. Heck, I don't even talk to my girlfriends that much! You obviously don't have the right to tell her who she can talk to. You told her it bothered you, she admitted it would bother her if the situation was reversed, yet she hasn't changed her behavior at all to take your feelings into account.

 

At this point it's up to you to decide if you want to deal with this or not. She may very well only be friends with him, but he's obviously an important part of her life. What is your relationship like with her? It seems odd to me that she has all these long talks with him--seems like she should be having them with you! Would you be as bothered it was one of her girlfriends?

She calls him and He calls her back on her cell phone, she does take the calls when I'm present. Lately she's been going in the other room to talk (I don't know if she's doing that to be secretive or to not bother me). This really wasn't an issue until about two weeks ago when the TV was low, I heard part of the conversation. She appartenly was upset with him for not calling her back, and went into a rather emotional speech about thinking the worst. She had apparently tried multiple numbers (home, work, cell, parents) more contact numbers than she has for me. That's when I started to get concerned(upset), from my past I know that sooner or later in a guy/girl friend relationship someone is going to want more than just a friendship. I've talked with her about it and she said she wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed and can understand why I'm upset. She's still calling him now if it at home, the calls are shorter and when I'm not in the room. Now, what am I suppose to think?

[Beth]

I love guy friends because for me they are so much easy to get along with. You don't have to put on any type of act what or watch your P's and Q's. I also love to cuddle and I can do this with my guy friends and not have it be the least bit sexual. My boyfriend doesn't love the idea of me cuddling with another guy but he knows what type of person I am and knows that I also cuddle with my close girl friends. He also trusts me because he knows that I can draw the line between things that are sexual and things that are not. The bigest thing is trust. If your girlfriend thinks she may be attracted to this guy for some reason then she needs to stop contact with him. If she doesn't and it is totally just a friendship then you have to stop feeling insecure about her relationship with this guy. You could make a suggestion about going on a double date so you can meet him and feel him out. I always make sure if I have a close guy friend I introduce them to my boyfriend so he has the opportunity to also get to know them.

[Johnny]

Thanks for you advice. I have met the guy and I like him, he was very heplful when we moved to this apartment. I don't think the guy actuallly has any motives toward her. I'm not the jealous type, so It didn't bother me that she has male friends and talks with them, but there should be boundarys(especially when your in a LT relationship). It just blew me away when I found out she was initiating and encouraging it.

 

Our relationship has been going on for about 2 years and I've been given a deadline for making a decision about the next step(walking down the isle). I was leaning toward the isle, but this guy friends issue keeps comming up. It's an issue that really bugs me and there aren't alot of things out there that do. I do think the guy is rude, but I can't blame him when she balls him out when he doesn't call her back. My concern is when is/if this going to end or what is this going to evolve into? Is this normal??

 

Actually she has changed her behavior, she's now more secreative about talking to him in the apartment.

 

Personally, I think it sounds fishy that she talks to him that much. I'm a firm believer that men and women can be friends, but talking multiple times a day seems excessive to me. Heck, I don't even talk to my girlfriends that much! You obviously don't have the right to tell her who she can talk to. You told her it bothered you, she admitted it would bother her if the situation was reversed, yet she hasn't changed her behavior at all to take your feelings into account. At this point it's up to you to decide if you want to deal with this or not. She may very well only be friends with him, but he's obviously an important part of her life. What is your relationship like with her? It seems odd to me that she has all these long talks with him--seems like she should be having them with you! Would you be as bothered it was one of her girlfriends?

[BeenThere]

I think there are some double-standards here. Its all fine and good that she admits to "understanding" why you are concerned, and agrees that she would feel the same if the situation were reversed. But isn't it all just lip service if she hasn't actually addressed the issue by changing her behavior?

 

She's selfish and immature, Johnny. It's as simple as that.

 

I would even go so far as to say she's not enjoying her new friendship near as much as she's enjoying all the male attention. Also, since this association between your girlfriend and her "platonic friend" is a relatively new one, I would not buy into the "he's just a good friend" speech so easily. It's not like these two were great pals BEFORE you came along and their bond was already established. The two of them are in the midst of creating whatever this is going to evolve into RIGHT NOW. And even if nothing has happened "yet", there is most likely some sparks between them and your girlfriend is trying to fan the flames. And don't give me this bullsh*t that she claims there aren't many friends around for her to talk to!

 

Who the hell are you?!?!

 

A house pet?!

 

I'm really sorry to be so frank. And I apologize for any paranoia I might have caused. But if I were you I'd yank little miss hotsy totsy back into the REAL world and give her an ultimatum right now. YOU or HIM.

 

Mark my words...this girl is up to no good and we'll all be hearing from you again real soon.

 

PS...and don't be so angry at the guy. He's just a guy. Like you, he wouldn't be pursuing a friendship with your lady so vigorously if she weren't encouraging it. Remember what you told us---The guy forgot to call her one night...and SHE was the one who got emotional and mad.

 

Just think about it...

She calls him and He calls her back on her cell phone, she does take the calls when I'm present. Lately she's been going in the other room to talk (I don't know if she's doing that to be secretive or to not bother me). This really wasn't an issue until about two weeks ago when the TV was low, I heard part of the conversation. She appartenly was upset with him for not calling her back, and went into a rather emotional speech about thinking the worst. She had apparently tried multiple numbers (home, work, cell, parents) more contact numbers than she has for me. That's when I started to get concerned(upset), from my past I know that sooner or later in a guy/girl friend relationship someone is going to want more than just a friendship. I've talked with her about it and she said she wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed and can understand why I'm upset. She's still calling him now if it at home, the calls are shorter and when I'm not in the room. Now, what am I suppose to think?

[BeenThere]

You sound like you are twelve...or highschool age at most. Check back with us in about 15 years when you've matured and experienced a little when it comes to relationships. THEN I'd be interested to know how your opinions and feelings have evolved...

I love guy friends because for me they are so much easy to get along with. You don't have to put on any type of act what or watch your P's and Q's. I also love to cuddle and I can do this with my guy friends and not have it be the least bit sexual. My boyfriend doesn't love the idea of me cuddling with another guy but he knows what type of person I am and knows that I also cuddle with my close girl friends. He also trusts me because he knows that I can draw the line between things that are sexual and things that are not. The bigest thing is trust. If your girlfriend thinks she may be attracted to this guy for some reason then she needs to stop contact with him. If she doesn't and it is totally just a friendship then you have to stop feeling insecure about her relationship with this guy. You could make a suggestion about going on a double date so you can meet him and feel him out. I always make sure if I have a close guy friend I introduce them to my boyfriend so he has the opportunity to also get to know them.

[Johnny]

In all fairness she did know the guy before she met me, how much she talked to him when she had her own place, I don’t know or care. This issue isn’t the guys (since this isn’t the only guy who calls about his problems, he’s just the primary one) although they are all partially to blame. I did give her an ultimatum last weekend, that she needed to stop calling him on a daily basis (not that they had to break off the friendship) or the next guy that’d be calling her about he’s girlfriend problems would be me, about my new girlfriend. I thought she got the message, until I heard the little call yesterday, with the last line being “I’ll call you tomorrow”. I check the log on her cell phone to see all his numbers in there(yeah,I know this sounds bad). I guess she’s called my bluff. Now I’m in a jam, the lease on the apartment has 7 months left and both names are on it.

I think there are some double-standards here. Its all fine and good that she admits to "understanding" why you are concerned, and agrees that she would feel the same if the situation were reversed. But isn't it all just lip service if she hasn't actually addressed the issue by changing her behavior?

 

She's selfish and immature, Johnny. It's as simple as that. I would even go so far as to say she's not enjoying her new friendship near as much as she's enjoying all the male attention. Also, since this association between your girlfriend and her "platonic friend" is a relatively new one, I would not buy into the "he's just a good friend" speech so easily. It's not like these two were great pals BEFORE you came along and their bond was already established. The two of them are in the midst of creating whatever this is going to evolve into RIGHT NOW. And even if nothing has happened "yet", there is most likely some sparks between them and your girlfriend is trying to fan the flames. And don't give me this bullsh*t that she claims there aren't many friends around for her to talk to! Who the hell are you?!?! A house pet?! I'm really sorry to be so frank. And I apologize for any paranoia I might have caused. But if I were you I'd yank little miss hotsy totsy back into the REAL world and give her an ultimatum right now. YOU or HIM. Mark my words...this girl is up to no good and we'll all be hearing from you again real soon.

 

PS...and don't be so angry at the guy. He's just a guy. Like you, he wouldn't be pursuing a friendship with your lady so vigorously if she weren't encouraging it. Remember what you told us---The guy forgot to call her one night...and SHE was the one who got emotional and mad. Just think about it...

[Tony T]

Maybe you consider Beth immature...I won't debate you on that one way or the other...but his/her typing, spelling, punctuation and grammar is a cut above most on this forum. I noticed only very few typos.

 

I guess you can be immature and still write a great paragraph. It's too bad both don't come together in most people.

[BeenThere]

True enough. But typing, spelling and punctuation aren't something I personally place too much merit on when popping into this forum on occasion. I realize, like myself, many are too busy to run the standard spell check. I'm often in a hurry myself, but fortunately take the extra time when it really counts...like when writing the two books I've already had published.

 

This one's for you, Tony!

 

....................................................................................................................LMAO

 

Maybe you consider Beth immature...I won't debate you on that one way or the other...but his/her typing, spelling, punctuation and grammar is a cut above most on this forum. I noticed only very few typos. I guess you can be immature and still write a great paragraph. It's too bad both don't come together in most people.

[Celia]

Girls and guys can become good friends, but if the boundary is not clear or friendship has become the domination of someone's life who has a boyfriend, then the lovership will fade and have no meanings. Love is selfish!

[Jeydaa]

Re: can guys and girls be just friends

 

To be frank, this relationship sounds like it's going on a roller coaster. I mean, friendship between guys and girls are common. But considering the number of times they talked a day and the way she talks to him, there's something weird here.

If your girlfriend REALLY respects you, she should shares what's going on with her friend. What I'm trying to say is that she should trust you since her relationship with you is long term. She doesn't have to tell you all the delicious details; just enough for you to understand why she is talking to her guy friend so much.

I understand about the confidentiality, but she should know who's the boyfriend and who's not.

You said that you've tried to confront her and tell her to stop talking to her guy friend. Have you thought that from her perspective, you're accusing her of having an affair with him and you're demanding her to stop? Have you thought that the more you push someone toward something, the more they'll object and do the opposite of what you want them to do instead?

I don't know if this advice will help or if you have already tried this; the next time you're telling her to stop talking to her guy friend, try an alternative.

For example, try asking her nicely what's going on between her and her friend and that is there anything you can help? This shows that you're willing to listen and offer help, including the fact that you trust in her.

One thing a person should never do is try to tell someone to do something. The only way to get something is by ASKING NICELY AND OFFER HELP!

I don't know if this helps, but just think about it.