Should I dump him?

[Anon Female]

My boyfriend of 11 months told me he received an email from his X girlfriend. He knows how I feel about X girlfriends because my last boyfriend cheated on me with his X and I found out through an email so I am rather sensitive about this kind of stuff. We have an excellent and mature relationship. He told me about it because he wanted to be honest. He said he read it and deleted it. She was saying hello and giving him her new phone number and asked him to call her. I don't think he is interested in her. He is always with me and treats me respectfully and we've talked about getting married. (We are both in our 40ties) I asked him to change his email address---end of sentence, no more discussion, he said he would and we had a fabulous evening together. Problem? This happened 3 days ago and he still hasn't changed the email address. He has been busy, but shouldn't he have changed it by now? He knows that this really bothers me. I am about to dump him--I am furious.

[yes]

woh!!!

 

i think you're going overboard.

 

he's already being rude to his ex by simply deleting her msg, just to make u feel comfortable.

 

why do u need him to change the email address? do u not trust him? didn't he just prove his honesty by telling u about the email?

 

i think he's right in ignoring yr comment about changing yr email.

 

i also think u shdnt marry someone u cannot trust

 

lastly, i think u need a book on trust/anger management

 

best of luck,

 

-yes

My boyfriend of 11 months told me he received an email from his X girlfriend. He knows how I feel about X girlfriends because my last boyfriend cheated on me with his X and I found out through an email so I am rather sensitive about this kind of stuff. We have an excellent and mature relationship. He told me about it because he wanted to be honest. He said he read it and deleted it. She was saying hello and giving him her new phone number and asked him to call her. I don't think he is interested in her. He is always with me and treats me respectfully and we've talked about getting married. (We are both in our 40ties) I asked him to change his email address---end of sentence, no more discussion, he said he would and we had a fabulous evening together. Problem? This happened 3 days ago and he still hasn't changed the email address. He has been busy, but shouldn't he have changed it by now? He knows that this really bothers me. I am about to dump him--I am furious.

[velvet]

I agree with yes! He could of not said anything at all and called her. How do you know he didnt write down the number!

 

All worked up arent you! Dont worry, he didnt, he deleted the email and told you about her.

 

As far as him changing his email, maybe hes just busy at the moment.

 

Your overboard.

woh!!! i think you're going overboard. he's already being rude to his ex by simply deleting her msg, just to make u feel comfortable.

 

why do u need him to change the email address? do u not trust him? didn't he just prove his honesty by telling u about the email? i think he's right in ignoring yr comment about changing yr email. i also think u shdnt marry someone u cannot trust lastly, i think u need a book on trust/anger management best of luck, -yes

[midori]

So if your boyfriend had an ex girlfriend who cheated on him one night when she got very drunk, would you be willing to conform to his decree that you never, ever drink? I mean, after all, if it happened to him once with one woman, wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that it's likely to happen to him again with a completely different woman ... ?

 

You say that you have a mature & healthy relationship ... but your rigid expectations don't sound very mature. Now I agree that sometimes exes can be problematic, but your reaction to this is quite unreasonable. Your ex cheated on you because he was so inclined. Your current boyfriend is not your ex. Obviously you've got some scars from your previous experience, but don't use that as an excuse to try to control your current boyfriend's every move. It's a bad idea for several reasons: 1) in so doing you may just end up driving him away. I'd bet in his mind he's saying, "here I've been scrupulously honest with her and I'm getting an extra dose of grief for my effort. Who needs that?" For the same reason, you may find that 2) he'll just stop being so honest with you from here on in. And reason # 3) if you feel you must be hyper-vigilant, monitoring your boyfriend's every move lest he stray into dangerous territory, then your relationship is already doomed, either because he's innately untrustworthy or because you're paranoid.

 

You had every right to voice your misgivings. You had every right to tell your boyfriend that you'd be more comfortable if he weren't in touch with his ex girlfriend. You had no right to insist that he end all communication with her, let alone to order him to change his email address! Yikes!!!! If I got an order like that it would be all I could do to keep from laughing out loud -- as I made with all haste for the door, probably never to return.

 

Do you trust your boyfriend? If you don't, why are you with him? If you do, why are you letting the shadow of your unfaithful ex-boyfriend fall on your current, happy relationship?

 

If you don't trust your boyfriend, break up with him by all means. If you do, I think an apology is in order. I just can't imagine any grown person liking an order to change his email address to suit his partner's unjustified suspicions.

[anon female]

I really am not a jealous person. In the 11 months I have been with him, I have never ever accused him of doing anything nor questioning him nor accusing him--EVER. I was also married for a long, long time and never ever accused my x of cheating---so overly jealous I am not.

 

When we first started dating I told him about my x boyfriend and being skiddish about x girlfriends. I asked him if he had any hanging around or communicating with them (my x's pager and cell phone never stopped) and that if he did, I would not start a relationship with him. I was honest----I told him that I had this pet peeve and that I never wanted to go back to what I had felt before. He said, don't worry, I don't have anyone around.

 

I think I did over-react; but gee, it is so scary. Where there is smoke there can be a barbeque or a fire. Thank you for the help. I feel frantic.

So if your boyfriend had an ex girlfriend who cheated on him one night when she got very drunk, would you be willing to conform to his decree that you never, ever drink? I mean, after all, if it happened to him once with one woman, wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that it's likely to happen to him again with a completely different woman ... ? You say that you have a mature & healthy relationship ... but your rigid expectations don't sound very mature. Now I agree that sometimes exes can be problematic, but your reaction to this is quite unreasonable. Your ex cheated on you because he was so inclined. Your current boyfriend is not your ex. Obviously you've got some scars from your previous experience, but don't use that as an excuse to try to control your current boyfriend's every move. It's a bad idea for several reasons: 1) in so doing you may just end up driving him away. I'd bet in his mind he's saying, "here I've been scrupulously honest with her and I'm getting an extra dose of grief for my effort. Who needs that?" For the same reason, you may find that 2) he'll just stop being so honest with you from here on in. And reason # 3) if you feel you must be hyper-vigilant, monitoring your boyfriend's every move lest he stray into dangerous territory, then your relationship is already doomed, either because he's innately untrustworthy or because you're paranoid. You had every right to voice your misgivings. You had every right to tell your boyfriend that you'd be more comfortable if he weren't in touch with his ex girlfriend. You had no right to insist that he end all communication with her, let alone to order him to change his email address! Yikes!!!! If I got an order like that it would be all I could do to keep from laughing out loud -- as I made with all haste for the door, probably never to return. Do you trust your boyfriend? If you don't, why are you with him? If you do, why are you letting the shadow of your unfaithful ex-boyfriend fall on your current, happy relationship? If you don't trust your boyfriend, break up with him by all means. If you do, I think an apology is in order. I just can't imagine any grown person liking an order to change his email address to suit his partner's unjustified suspicions.

[Tony T]

If you would dump him because he has not yet changed his email address, you do not have an EXCELLENT and MATURE relationship...as you say.

 

If you want to be mature, you'll give him some time to get to this change of address. You have to understand that people get email from a lot more than just ex's. Changing an email address is a very major undertaking if it's your only email address or one of several important ones. In my case, friends from years ago still contact me through my current address and if I changed it I might never hear from them again.

 

If you don't trust your man, after he willingly made this disclosure to you, I think he should be more bothered by your attitude than you are bothered by his procrastination. By your reaction, you will discourage your guy from being honest in the future for fear of a recurrance of this kind of this kind of response.

 

Take this opportunity to put your relationship on the high road of maturity by understanding the complexities involved in changing an email address; all the friends and businesses that have to be notified; and give your guy a break.

 

Frankly, I think it was unreasonable of you to ask him to change his address but whatever...if he agreed to to it...OK fine.

 

One other thing, stop judging your current relationship by what happened to you previously. It simply isn't fair to put a yoke of attitude around your current love because of what some scumbag did to you in the past.

[arthropod98]

well, i can understand being angry when someone tells you they're going to do something, and then they don't. BUT, to be so quick as to DUMP him immediately over this, i'll go along with everyone else and say that may be a little harsh . . . especially since it's been almost a year!

 

now, what i'm wondering is WHY you would be so quick to end this relationship based on this event?? sorry, but are YOU looking for a reason to get out?? all this anger seems a little supicious to me, no offense.

 

have you ASKED him why he hasn't changed it yet??

 

i am in NO WAY trying to make excuses for ANYONE here, but you may want to consider the logistics of changing his e-mail address. if he orders things over the internet, belongs to any organizations that USE his e-mail address, etc. -- well, that will ALL be impacted with this simple little change.

 

don't get me wrong, i'm in NO WAY making an excuse for anyone here, but it may be something to keep in mind.

 

also, i like the fact that he TOLD you about this. it's up to YOU to decide whether you believe his actions or not. but, based on the fact that you know he hasn't changed his e-mail address, you can find out.

 

basically, ASK him about this! i wouldn't grill him as far as the "ex" thing, just ask why he didn't do what he SAID he was going to do. there's no need to be mean or harsh or anything like that, just have a conversation!

 

one last thing -- did he say WHEN this he was going to make this change?? hell, maybe he didn't think you meant right NOW!!

My boyfriend of 11 months told me he received an email from his X girlfriend. He knows how I feel about X girlfriends because my last boyfriend cheated on me with his X and I found out through an email so I am rather sensitive about this kind of stuff. We have an excellent and mature relationship. He told me about it because he wanted to be honest. He said he read it and deleted it. She was saying hello and giving him her new phone number and asked him to call her. I don't think he is interested in her. He is always with me and treats me respectfully and we've talked about getting married. (We are both in our 40ties) I asked him to change his email address---end of sentence, no more discussion, he said he would and we had a fabulous evening together. Problem? This happened 3 days ago and he still hasn't changed the email address. He has been busy, but shouldn't he have changed it by now? He knows that this really bothers me. I am about to dump him--I am furious.

[:)]

Let me get this straight. You've been with this guy for 11 months (fair bit of time), you 2 are talking about marriage...and....through NO fault of his own, an ex contacts him by email. He deletes it and that's the end of it but you're so insecure that you have the balls to demand that he change his email address? You have some nerve, lady. I'm sure she's not the ONLY one who emails him. So he's supposed to go to all the trouble of changing it and then having to inform everyone else that emails him, because you're insecure and controlling?

 

And, because he didn't 'hop to it' immediately, you're about to dump him?

 

If you have such little trust for him, the talk about marriage is a joke. You don't trust him at all, for if you did, you wouldn't make unreasonable and controlling demands on him.

 

Go ahead, though....dump him. It would be in his best interests to be single again so that he can find himself a stable gal who doesn't make her current boyfriend pay for her past baggage/current insecurities.

[Anon female]

He said he'd do it tomorrow. (That would have been Friday.)

 

Thanks for the advice. I think I was pmsing!

 

well, i can understand being angry when someone tells you they're going to do something, and then they don't. BUT, to be so quick as to DUMP him immediately over this, i'll go along with everyone else and say that may be a little harsh . . . especially since it's been almost a year! now, what i'm wondering is WHY you would be so quick to end this relationship based on this event?? sorry, but are YOU looking for a reason to get out?? all this anger seems a little supicious to me, no offense. have you ASKED him why he hasn't changed it yet?? i am in NO WAY trying to make excuses for ANYONE here, but you may want to consider the logistics of changing his e-mail address. if he orders things over the internet, belongs to any organizations that USE his e-mail address, etc. -- well, that will ALL be impacted with this simple little change. don't get me wrong, i'm in NO WAY making an excuse for anyone here, but it may be something to keep in mind. also, i like the fact that he TOLD you about this. it's up to YOU to decide whether you believe his actions or not. but, based on the fact that you know he hasn't changed his e-mail address, you can find out. basically, ASK him about this! i wouldn't grill him as far as the "ex" thing, just ask why he didn't do what he SAID he was going to do. there's no need to be mean or harsh or anything like that, just have a conversation!

 

one last thing -- did he say WHEN this he was going to make this change?? hell, maybe he didn't think you meant right NOW!!

[Anon female]

Thamk you all for the great advice. I think I was pmsing and you were all right. I appreciate your frank and honest indignation with my attitude. I will not dump him, but I will ask him why he hasn't changed it. I might just suggest he block her emails. I guess that would be easier than changing addresses. I guess I am more angry with her, she knows he has someone--I wouldn't do that to another woman. I did ask him if he thought she wanted him back and he said yes.

 

By the way, if it were in reverse---and he asked me to do that (change my email address) I would! It is not controlling, it is a legitimate concern. He is not controlling and neither am I----just cautious about others.If a simple act will make him feel more secure, I'd jump to it. I have never given him any reason for concern, but if he had one, I'd squelch those concerns IMMEDIATELY! aFTER ALL -- anything I can do to make him happy I would (within reason of course. That is the loving thing to do.

 

Thank you again for your advice. You all calmed me down.

Let me get this straight. You've been with this guy for 11 months (fair bit of time), you 2 are talking about marriage...and....through NO fault of his own, an ex contacts him by email. He deletes it and that's the end of it but you're so insecure that you have the balls to demand that he change his email address? You have some nerve, lady. I'm sure she's not the ONLY one who emails him. So he's supposed to go to all the trouble of changing it and then having to inform everyone else that emails him, because you're insecure and controlling? And, because he didn't 'hop to it' immediately, you're about to dump him? If you have such little trust for him, the talk about marriage is a joke. You don't trust him at all, for if you did, you wouldn't make unreasonable and controlling demands on him. Go ahead, though....dump him. It would be in his best interests to be single again so that he can find himself a stable gal who doesn't make her current boyfriend pay for her past baggage/current insecurities.

[:)]

Look, sorry if I was a little harsh with you, my apologies.

 

But the thing is, it doesn't matter one bit if she wants him back. If he's totally 100% committed to you and you can totally trust him, then she can want him back all she wants but he will never stray, you know?

 

As for him changing his email address....if she really wants to keep contact with him, not being able to reach him by email will not stop him. Surely she could call him if she was that hellbent on it, no? Like call him at work?

 

If you want him to do something, I suppose you could just ask him to write her back and tell her kindly but firmly that he's involved in a serious, committed relationship that she's already aware of and that out of respect to all involved, she discontinue emailing him. Him simply ignoring her will likely only make her try to contact him in other ways, right? So he needs to tell her point blank what the scoop is so that she is CLEAR on where he stands. If she then continues to 'chase him' then he can decide whether to tell her to P*ss off or not.

 

But I do think it was good of him to admit her email to you. He didn't have to and you'd have never known otherwise, right? Be glad he did. So many lying dogs wouldn't have said a word.

 

Let us know how it goes, okay?

[Anon female]

Thanks again for the added words of wisdom. I will keep you posted.

Look, sorry if I was a little harsh with you, my apologies. But the thing is, it doesn't matter one bit if she wants him back. If he's totally 100% committed to you and you can totally trust him, then she can want him back all she wants but he will never stray, you know? As for him changing his email address....if she really wants to keep contact with him, not being able to reach him by email will not stop him. Surely she could call him if she was that hellbent on it, no? Like call him at work? If you want him to do something, I suppose you could just ask him to write her back and tell her kindly but firmly that he's involved in a serious, committed relationship that she's already aware of and that out of respect to all involved, she discontinue emailing him. Him simply ignoring her will likely only make her try to contact him in other ways, right? So he needs to tell her point blank what the scoop is so that she is CLEAR on where he stands. If she then continues to 'chase him' then he can decide whether to tell her to P*ss off or not. But I do think it was good of him to admit her email to you. He didn't have to and you'd have never known otherwise, right? Be glad he did. So many lying dogs wouldn't have said a word.

 

Let us know how it goes, okay?