Went to town today, seeing hotties everywhere but felt like the most undesirable male

[lindya]

...I was born a poor black child.

 

I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.

 

Ross. It's time for you to take up a hobby. How about cat juggling?

[alphamale]

I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.

....King Tut...funky Tut

[Ross_K]

I know the feelings Ross is having. Self-esteem is not automatic. Not having it isn't a sign of weakness. Or maybe it is. I don't know what causes it. It seems to be a defense mechanism of some sort. A way to be safe by staying withdrawn. A way to keep the risk low. I guess the idea the self-conscious runs on is, sure it's miserable feeling this way all the time, but it would be WAY worse to open up to someone with your true self and have them reject that. So it's better to pre-reject yourself. And of course, because you don't know what the other person will find offensive, you'll be much safer if you pre-reject pretty much everything about yourself. Cover the bases.

 

Otherwise, I have no idea why my own mind would be so damn hard on me. There are no other benefits.

 

That sounds like it could pretty much be true. This is why not giving a **** about what people say or think about the real you would be really benificial, and you probably would be a lot more confident and open up a lot more with strangers. I also think that it's normal to not give a **** about what people think or say and this is how most people are anyway, well up to an extent. No one would be comfortable with walking down the street naked.

 

The one thing I'm pretty sure of though. Posting about it and talking about it never helps. When the thread ends, when the conversation ends, the problem is still there. It's like trying to get your skin color to change by talking to someone about it.

 

The catch-22 is that people tend to really like people who are open with their true selves. It's attractive to find yourself attractive. Not in a vain way, but based on an honest evaluation. Chances are you'd really like yourself, Ross, if you were someone else meeting you. You'd appreciate your humor, interests, etc.

 

Thanks dude

 

You know, I've thought about meeting me, and, I dunno, for some reason I feel like I wouldn't like what I see, I wouldn't have anything against me but, I just don't think I'd want to be around me, I think I'd feel uncomfortable. It's weird that isn't it?

 

Anyway, another weird thing is, is that when I'm home, I do feel good about myself, I think I do look attractive, like I should be able to attract women, but then when I'm out around them, I just feel undesirable, like not a single one would be interested in me at all.

[Ross_K]

I haven't read many of your posts being a new member and all. For that reason I don't know your whole story.

 

If you appear happy and self confident (not always easy to do, and certainly not everyday) I think women find that attractive. At least I do.

 

Some may say this is a bunch of hooey, but when I'm down I try to pretend that I'm not, and often in pretending to be happier I find I have lifted myself from the darkness.

 

I also agree with quietintrovertgirl that for now, just keep going to town, getting out there, and worry about the women later. I have found that love and happiness have found me when I least expected them and wasn't even looking for them.

 

Keep your chin up and note my second signature line. Repeat it to yourself as often as necessary!

 

Thanks.

[Ross_K]

Oh,

 

Yeah I know, most women in town are just going to be busy doing their own thing. I was just talking about how I feel.

 

I see. Well... *hugs*.

 

I hope that you find a girlfriend that you love and loves you back soon

 

awwwww........

 

Ariadne

 

Yeah I hope so too. I hope you also find someone you love and who loves you back. *hug*

[dropdeadlegs]

Just thought of something that could possibly help you, and maybe others, with some self esteem issues. (I have had my share of those issues, too, BTW.)

 

I saw a therapist after my divorce because I was just so overwhelmed with how my life had changed so dramatically and I wasn't coping with it all so well. How I got to that point is a long story but it took months, nearly a year to get there. The very first visit he gave me "homework" consisting of asking the people in my life to write a description of me and bring them to my session the following week. I believe I ended up with 8 in all, some were from coworkers who saw me daily, some were from friends who saw me several times monthly, one was from my sister who had lived in another state for 15 years. They were all (except one) from people that had known me for a long time, not just during this particular meltdown period. My therapist had me read each one aloud (I had collected them, but did not read them up to that point.) Some were long and very detailed, others were short and to the point.

 

When I read that people saw me as smart, funny, strong, pretty, loyal, a hard worker, a great conversationalist....I could finally see those traits in myself. They weren't all pretty though. I was seen as using alcohol to cope, putting friends and others above my children, far too dependent on a man to "complete" me, just to name a few. I needed to see those sides of myself too. It would have been interesting to have a few from people that didn't actually know me well, just to see what kind of first impression I give.

 

Surely you have some friends, family, or even acquaintances that would help you in a similar way. I think it's pretty common not to see ourselves as the world does. This was a good way for me to stop feeling so negative and also a wakeup call for the things others found a bit concerning or even repulsive about me.

 

Just a thought! Not sure if you read my redheaded men post, but there are women out here who have no problem with a redhead (and the carpet is even redder than the drapes!)

[Ross_K]

Just thought of something that could possibly help you, and maybe others, with some self esteem issues. (I have had my share of those issues, too, BTW.)

 

I saw a therapist after my divorce because I was just so overwhelmed with how my life had changed so dramatically and I wasn't coping with it all so well. How I got to that point is a long story but it took months, nearly a year to get there. The very first visit he gave me "homework" consisting of asking the people in my life to write a description of me and bring them to my session the following week. I believe I ended up with 8 in all, some were from coworkers who saw me daily, some were from friends who saw me several times monthly, one was from my sister who had lived in another state for 15 years. They were all (except one) from people that had known me for a long time, not just during this particular meltdown period. My therapist had me read each one aloud (I had collected them, but did not read them up to that point.) Some were long and very detailed, others were short and to the point.

 

When I read that people saw me as smart, funny, strong, pretty, loyal, a hard worker, a great conversationalist....I could finally see those traits in myself. They weren't all pretty though. I was seen as using alcohol to cope, putting friends and others above my children, far too dependent on a man to "complete" me, just to name a few. I needed to see those sides of myself too. It would have been interesting to have a few from people that didn't actually know me well, just to see what kind of first impression I give.

 

Surely you have some friends, family, or even acquaintances that would help you in a similar way. I think it's pretty common not to see ourselves as the world does. This was a good way for me to stop feeling so negative and also a wakeup call for the things others found a bit concerning or even repulsive about me.

 

Just a thought! Not sure if you read my redheaded men post, but there are women out here who have no problem with a redhead (and the carpet is even redder than the drapes!)

 

I feel a bit silly though asking people to write descriptions of me, and plus, they're probably going to be kind with what they say anyway since they know I'll be reading them.

 

Anyway, I have heard quite a few people describe me, to me, and it's always, I seem like a nice lad, I'm quiet, I'm passive (ugh), I'm intelligent, I'm nice looking, and I'm ugly.

 

Obviously the 2nd, 3rd, and last comment don't make me feel good. Not too sure about the first though.

[Moose]

Ross,

 

Being brought up by an abuser, my self-esteem was zippo also.

 

I've never had problems getting with women....only the ones I really wanted to be with.....

 

I don't think it's your problem is so much that women are turned off by you, (there's someone for everyone), I simply think it's your confidence level.

 

I believe I've told you this before, but take up martial arts......

 

I took Tai Kwon Do for 4 years. Everyone could tell just by the way I walked into a room, the look in my eyes, the look on my face, the overall way I carried myself that I had tons more confidence.

 

My thing was if there was another male in the room, I felt inadequate, beat down, threatened thanks to my step Dad.

 

That all changed when I learned how to drop any man with one blow, or rip his ear off with little to no effort.....

[alphamale]

I took Tai Kwon Do for 4 years. Everyone could tell just by the way I walked into a room, the look in my eyes, the look on my face, the overall way I carried myself that I had tons more confidence.

.....

One gets true confidence from Jesus and God, not from some earthly heathen fighting methodology...

[Moose]

One gets true confidence from Jesus and God, not from some earthly heathen fighting methodology...

I get full confidence spiritually from Jesus and God.

 

But in this secular world, dealing with people in general, one must level the plane a bit.

 

Ross is a mile and a half below that plane. He has to realize that I'm no better, you're no better, and great looking women are no better than the next person.

 

Besides.....there's nothing unspiritual about having the ability to defend yourself physically.

[Ross_K]

Ross,

 

Being brought up by an abuser, my self-esteem was zippo also.

 

I've never had problems getting with women....only the ones I really wanted to be with.....

 

I'm sorry you were abused. I was abused mentally by my mum.

 

I don't think it's your problem is so much that women are turned off by you, (there's someone for everyone), I simply think it's your confidence level.

 

Is that really true though? It really does feel as though it isn't actually possible for me to attract anyone, like maybe my body doesn't produce pheremones, or the right ones, or the chemicles in my body are out of balance, like I'm just biologically different somehow from other people.

 

 

I believe I've told you this before, but take up martial arts......

 

I took Tai Kwon Do for 4 years. Everyone could tell just by the way I walked into a room, the look in my eyes, the look on my face, the overall way I carried myself that I had tons more confidence.

 

My thing was if there was another male in the room, I felt inadequate, beat down, threatened thanks to my step Dad.

 

That all changed when I learned how to drop any man with one blow, or rip his ear off with little to no effort.....

 

I do think that could work, and it's something I'll look into.

 

I work out and now that I'm bigger built, it has helped with my confidence somewhat, instead of most teens or people in their early twenties looking as big as me or bigger than me, a lot of them now, especially teenagers, seem to look pretty scrawny.

[Ross_K]

One gets true confidence from Jesus and God, not from some earthly heathen fighting methodology...

 

I'm not sure if you're just messing around, Alphamale. But I think it depends on the person.

 

The Jesus and God stuff wouldn't work for me, because I don't believe this sort of stuff is real.

[Ross_K]

Ross is a mile and a half below that plane. He has to realize that I'm no better, you're no better, and great looking women are no better than the next person.

 

Yeah, this is something I realise.

[Moose]

I'm sorry you were abused.

You shouldn't be. I'm not. It wound up being a very big part of who I turned out to be. It taught me how to treat my kids. It taught me about relationships. It taught me about alcoholism. It taught me about forgiveness.

 

It's what you do with your life expierences that matters. Ultimately, you're responsible for how they shape your life. I think sometimes we let our past dictate our present. Either let it go, or turn it around into something positive, and your confidence will come back.

[Ross_K]

You shouldn't be. I'm not. It wound up being a very big part of who I turned out to be. It taught me how to treat my kids. It taught me about relationships. It taught me about alcoholism. It taught me about forgiveness.

 

It's what you do with your life expierences that matters. Ultimately, you're responsible for how they shape your life. I think sometimes we let our past dictate our present. Either let it go, or turn it around into something positive, and your confidence will come back.

 

Well I do know, that if I ever have kids (which I wont), I'd be the nicest, most supportive dad ever.

[ilmw]

It seems like a lot of people would rather be like someone else. When kids are asked who would you want to be, they usually say something like David Beckham, but maybe that's just kids.

 

When I was asked I just said myself.

 

I think allot of People want to be popular... rich and famous..good looking... and seem to have the world handed to them on a plate...

 

Its a fantasy... not reality....

 

I don't think it is just a kid thing... I'm pretty sure there are a few guys out there who would not mind being Beckham...

[Ross_K]

I've changed my mind, I would want to be him because then I'd be able to get any woman I wanted.

 

But apart from that, nah, he's boring, and wears headbands and skirts.

[ilmw]

Ross... have you started any counselling yet... I seem to remember you in another post you were talking about it...

 

BTW... allot of your posts have a similar theme....

[Green]

Ross its like your stuck in the same moment in time, when are you going to leave the past and live in the present?

[quietintrovertgirl]

Ross its like your stuck in the same moment in time, when are you going to leave the past and live in the present?

 

 

Stud muffin be nice

[Rooster_DAR]

I'm not sure if you're just messing around, Alphamale. But I think it depends on the person.

 

The Jesus and God stuff wouldn't work for me, because I don't believe this sort of stuff is real.

 

He is messing around, he's being sarcastic.

[alphamale]

I'm not sure if you're just messing around, Alphamale.

I was messing around ROSS_K....its a long story.

[magichands]

I was messing around ROSS_K....its a long story.

Yes...with women's hearts. Shame on you.

[laguy10]

I have somewhat of a different take on this whole thread. Forgive me if I'm posting something akin to what has already been stated, I stopped reading at about page 2.

 

In my experience, women will tell you they want a man who is sensitive, kind, a good listener, etc, etc. However, what really ATTRACTS them is the opposite - someone who is a little too hard to control, someone who is mysterious, someone who has a "dark" side to them. So, if you want to have success with women, my advice is that you begin to develop those aspects of yourself.

 

In addition, I would say that the reply about being who you are is excellent....but how to accomplish such a thing? I would recommend a book, I think will really help you - I come from a similar background such as yourself (in my viewpoint on life anyways), and this book has literally changed my life...it's called The Search for the Real Self by James Masterson. Why I recommend this, is because, it sounds to me, like what you're dealing with, is the classic "fasle-self vs. real-self" phenomenon - the book will explain what this is, and also how to change it.

 

For now, I'll just say that if you want to really take care of this area, and not just put band-aids over it, you really need to figure out why you sometimes feel like you can be around people and feel okay, and othertimes you cannot. It is not dependent upon other people...it's dependent upon your own perception of reality. If you're into psychology at all, that will help you, as you begin to try to understand this whole area. Another recommendation I have is that you delve into the world of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), and learn how your brain works - that your emotions are a result of what you think about....Tony Robbins is an excellent resource for this, if you're willing to shell out about $300, I'd highly recommend his Personal Power II CDs. If you can't shell out that kind of cash at the moment, at least google NLP or "neuro linguistic programming" and read about it a little, so you're not totlly in the dark in this area. When you begin to get into associations and triggers, you will find that you can literally take control of your life back, and in fact, put yourself on auto-pilot towards health.

[quietintrovertgirl]

Laguy,

Some wome like to run after a man but I rather walk.