what now?

[coyotegirl]

I've been with my fiancee for two years, we got engaged in November 2001. We've been living together for a year now, and just signed a year-long lease together this month. We've established that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, that we want a family together, but we're having some problems communicating lately. Tonight's a perfect example. We went over to my sister's house, we were one of four couples there. All old friends, just bbq and beers. C wasn't hungry when we ate, so I checked in with him before we put the food away, and he asked for a hotdog. I got the dog, put the last of the beans on the plate with it. As I bring it out, he says in a long-suffering voice... "Why'd you bring beans, did I ask for beans??? Just take them back inside." I know, this sounds like a childish exchange, but he's 30, I'm 26. I didn't like his tone, I told him I just thought he might enjoy them, just f*ing eat what you want and leave the rest. He just shook his head and looked pissed. You see, he felt like I had embarassed him in front of family and friends and refused to talk to me. I went inside for a while. I didn't want to spend the rest of the night feeling bad, so I stuck my head out the door and asked him to come inside to talk to me. He said no, so I asked him to take me home. Five minutes later, I went to him and quietly repeated my request. He came in, but as soon as we were alone, he started railing about how I made a scene... wouldn't even listen to why I was upset... His tone of voice made me feel that I was stupid for thinking of something extra for him. So he said he'd take me home, then told me no, he'd go home and i could stay. He wouldn't let me get in his car. I got upset, told him to get out of my face... he said or what? So I turned around and went out the back door. He left. When he got home, he called to apologize to my sister, and asked her to tell me that I had embarassed him in public for the last time. When she gave me the phone, he told me the same (minus the apology) and said we needed to decide who would keep the lease. I asked if he was ready to give up on our relationship, he said he didn't know. I said I was coming home, he said he'd stay at his parents house tonight. I gave him plenty of time, but he was still there when I got home. I tried to talk to him. He refused to listen to me, even told me that the only thing I could to was to apologize to everyone who was there tonight (in his presence) for embarassing him.

 

Now, this sort of thing happens every couple of weeks, it sounds childish, but there's always some hidden excuse for him getting so worked up. I never find out what it is until HE is ready to talk. He promised we'd talk in the morning, but no more tonight. I told him that if we keep going back to this (we've promised to try to act differently many times), it's something we need help with. For the most part, we get along like the best of friends. Every couple of months we get into it like this. I cant stand it and he told me tonight that this is the last time I embarass him like this. Next time he won't come back. What should I do? We've set a tentative wedding date for September 1, 2002, but I will not marry him until we've resolved this. I've made the commitment to him and I am NOT ready to call it quits, so please don't suggest that. I've exhausted all other options and I need help.

[:)]

You'd written:

 

"I've made the commitment to him and I am NOT ready to call it quits, so please don't suggest that. I've exhausted all other options and I need help."

 

What kind of commitment have you made? Have you committed yourself to remaining in a relationship with a pouty, immature child? Cuz that's how I see it. If this "BBQ incident" is similar to past ones, then I wish you luck.

 

This is the second post I've read today, by a fiancee, about her sucky, immature, fiance. What the hell is with these guys? Don't sound like men to me, in all honesty.

 

I think it was thoughtful of you to offer him beans, and for him to act like an ungrateful tit about it, and command you to take them back in the house, what an assh*le. If anyone made a scene and embarassed anyone, it's HIM, not you. I could MAYBE see a 4 yr old reacting that way to being given a plate with something on it they didn't want.

 

God, you were nice enough to think about him before the food was put away. And that's the thanks you get? Now i know why I'm not that upset about being single.

 

And your reaction to his childish reaction is understandable. I'd have likely said the same thing myself.

 

What is with these men nowadays?

 

And if he's going to make 'threats' about you splitting up, and one of you moving out, then be strong and go for it. Let him put his money where his mouth is. I used to be married to a guy who would pick a fight over the most miniscule little thing....and within a few minutes, he was pulling his wedding band off, tossing it across the room and threatening to go to a lawyer to get separation papers/or start divorce proceedings. I spent much of my marriage (I was married at 25, he was 27) with my jaw dropped....due to my sheer shock at his childish and volatile behavior, that could rear its ugly head at any moment, with little notice. Trust me, if he's like this now, it will only be 100000000000 times worse once you marry.....because although marriage can make a couple closer in a lot of ways, it can also amplify and intensify the problems.....

 

With guys like yours (and my ex hubby), once they marry you, they think they own you even more......and they think they have even more RIGHT to make scenes like this, to make threats, to screw with your head, to refuse to communicate, etc. They'll often consider you 'their property' and if you don't like how they treat you, tough noogies for you.

 

You mentioned that you aren't willing to end this relationship but that you've run out of options. No, one option is to do as he threatened and either you leave or he leave. You can't live like this. It doesn't matter if these episodes only happen every month or 2 months...the point is, they shouldn't happen period. It's bizarre and destructive to your relationship. You're going to end up resenting him and losing all respect for him, I assure you.

 

And him threatening to go over to his Mommy and Daddy's house to spend the night, God, is this my ex hubby you're engaged to? Cuz that was the kind of pitiful stunt he'd pull...yep, let his overprotective family know about OUR business..and of course tell them HIS sad side of the story, which would only serve to poison their minds about me. And the fact that he said what he did to his sister, same thing. He's dissing you to his family and that's the height of disrespect. You deserve better than that, no?

 

Other than couples and individual counseling, I don't know what else to suggest to you...other than a trial separation and you both spending time living apart to hopefully get a grip on this situation....and most importantly, for him to realize that you aren't going to tolerate being treated like dirt.

[MercyRose]

ok ok this calls for my MUMS advice, I don't care what anyone says about it but i am going to give it cos the girl obviously loves her guy, and he DID ask her to marry him so he must want her.

 

You just can't throw a relationship away for this reason. Nobody is perfect, we all have faults, and nobody can promise you a perfect life or relationship.

 

Now...

 

When men have found their wifey or wifey to be, something inside of them clicks and they don't feel they have to be nice all the time anymore. Women too i guess )

 

Anywayz, mum says a wife has to discover men's 'buttons'. Good and bad. You do not press the bad buttons and you take advantage of the good ))

 

With bad buttons you swallow hard, smile sweetly, try not to choke or react, and behind his back or pull a funny face.(or my version-give him the finger) ))

 

One of your guy's bad buttons seems to be thatyou mustn't embarass him in public whilst he can use a different tone with you. Not fair is it. But its his button.

 

However your f*ck* word is alot stronger than his immature grumblings about beans-he is a man after all, has an ego to preserve in fron of an audience.

 

Any relative observing his tone will feel sorry for you-not him while he will feel all manly in his own little ego world. Just let him, and then you can tell him about his 'beans tone' when you get home not in front of family and friends.

 

Some of mums rules for you:

 

1.Never embarass, insult or trash your man in front of people. Do it when you get home or go to mum's rules no5 *see below

 

2.Never trash his relatives even when he does.

 

3.Give him lots of sex.

 

4.If he is angry and tense and irritable-he needs sex

 

5.Ask him for what you want after recently having sex.Also, you can use this time to tell him sweetly about his beans tone instead of arguing about it-it may work but no guarantees cos a bad button is a bad button-it is unchangeable no matter what )

 

6.Use the smile sweetly and make a face behind hid back rule mentioned in the begining of the post, when he is behaving unreasonably and won't change no matter what you say and do.i.e bingo-an unchangeable bad button discovered! label it, memorise it and try to accept it as unchangeable.

 

Learn all his buttons )

 

Nobody said marriage is going to be easy.

[Tony T]

Very interesting.

[Angel]

I think your "Mum" is quite right. Being married is difficult. All those dam... buttons. THAT IS WHY I AM NOT MARRIED!

ok ok this calls for my MUMS advice, I don't care what anyone says about it but i am going to give it cos the girl obviously loves her guy, and he DID ask her to marry him so he must want her. You just can't throw a relationship away for this reason. Nobody is perfect, we all have faults, and nobody can promise you a perfect life or relationship. Now... When men have found their wifey or wifey to be, something inside of them clicks and they don't feel they have to be nice all the time anymore. Women too i guess ) Anywayz, mum says a wife has to discover men's 'buttons'. Good and bad. You do not press the bad buttons and you take advantage of the good )) With bad buttons you swallow hard, smile sweetly, try not to choke or react, and behind his back or pull a funny face.(or my version-give him the finger) )) One of your guy's bad buttons seems to be thatyou mustn't embarass him in public whilst he can use a different tone with you. Not fair is it. But its his button. However your f*ck* word is alot stronger than his immature grumblings about beans-he is a man after all, has an ego to preserve in fron of an audience. Any relative observing his tone will feel sorry for you-not him while he will feel all manly in his own little ego world. Just let him, and then you can tell him about his 'beans tone' when you get home not in front of family and friends.

 

Some of mums rules for you: 1.Never embarass, insult or trash your man in front of people. Do it when you get home or go to mum's rules no5 *see below 2.Never trash his relatives even when he does. 3.Give him lots of sex. 4.If he is angry and tense and irritable-he needs sex 5.Ask him for what you want after recently having sex.Also, you can use this time to tell him sweetly about his beans tone instead of arguing about it-it may work but no guarantees cos a bad button is a bad button-it is unchangeable no matter what ) 6.Use the smile sweetly and make a face behind hid back rule mentioned in the begining of the post, when he is behaving unreasonably and won't change no matter what you say and do.i.e bingo-an unchangeable bad button discovered! label it, memorise it and try to accept it as unchangeable.

 

Learn all his buttons ) Nobody said marriage is going to be easy.

 

[:)]

Gee, in keeping with your rules, you obviously forgot some that would definitely go along with their theme:

 

7. Get a pair of kneepads, so that when you're down kissing your guy's butt, your knees are comfortable

 

8. Remember that he's the man and you're just the woman

 

9. Again, sex is absolutely everything in a marriage and it should always be used as a manipulation tool.

 

10. If your man does something stupid and your angry, just give him a bl*wjob and that will ease your anger and make things all better

 

11. See if you find some old re-runs of Leave it to Beaver and spend time each week noting how June Cleaver treats her man and be like her

 

12. Never hold your man accountable for acting like a tit. Instead, just give him lots of sex and smile sweetly

 

13. Don't suggest sitting down as a couple and having a mature, much needed discussion about the status of the relationship and his childish behavior, just give him lots of sex coz that's what women were put on this earth to do.

 

14. Next halloween, dress up as a Doormat coz following all these stupid rules will make you well prepared.

 

good grief. as a woman, you must see yourself as nothing more than a sperm receptacle and someone who should sweetly smile as their man craps all over them. interesting.

 

ok ok this calls for my MUMS advice, I don't care what anyone says about it but i am going to give it cos the girl obviously loves her guy, and he DID ask her to marry him so he must want her. You just can't throw a relationship away for this reason. Nobody is perfect, we all have faults, and nobody can promise you a perfect life or relationship. Now... When men have found their wifey or wifey to be, something inside of them clicks and they don't feel they have to be nice all the time anymore. Women too i guess ) Anywayz, mum says a wife has to discover men's 'buttons'. Good and bad. You do not press the bad buttons and you take advantage of the good )) With bad buttons you swallow hard, smile sweetly, try not to choke or react, and behind his back or pull a funny face.(or my version-give him the finger) )) One of your guy's bad buttons seems to be thatyou mustn't embarass him in public whilst he can use a different tone with you. Not fair is it. But its his button. However your f*ck* word is alot stronger than his immature grumblings about beans-he is a man after all, has an ego to preserve in fron of an audience. Any relative observing his tone will feel sorry for you-not him while he will feel all manly in his own little ego world. Just let him, and then you can tell him about his 'beans tone' when you get home not in front of family and friends.

 

Some of mums rules for you: 1.Never embarass, insult or trash your man in front of people. Do it when you get home or go to mum's rules no5 *see below 2.Never trash his relatives even when he does. 3.Give him lots of sex. 4.If he is angry and tense and irritable-he needs sex 5.Ask him for what you want after recently having sex.Also, you can use this time to tell him sweetly about his beans tone instead of arguing about it-it may work but no guarantees cos a bad button is a bad button-it is unchangeable no matter what ) 6.Use the smile sweetly and make a face behind hid back rule mentioned in the begining of the post, when he is behaving unreasonably and won't change no matter what you say and do.i.e bingo-an unchangeable bad button discovered! label it, memorise it and try to accept it as unchangeable.

 

Learn all his buttons ) Nobody said marriage is going to be easy.

 

[Tony T]

As MaryRose stated, those were her mother's rules, not hers. And I don't see in them anywhere the implication that she would sit back and take a lot of crap from a man.

 

I don't think her mother considers herself a sperm receptacle, either. However, I do think her mother is obviously very sharp and understands the value of stepping back when necessary to preserve the peace when engaging battle would get less results. There is no good or productive reason for engaging irrational behavior.

 

There is good reason, under certain circumstances, to stand up and be assertive. But if you study the seduction skills of the world's best lovers, you will find their thinking along the lines of MaryRose's mum.

 

If you want a GREAT book to read...new in the bookstores...get "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Green...extremely well researched and documented. It's for both men and women and it's not just about seducting the opposite sex. It's about getting your way, keeping the peace and being happy with the least effort possible.

 

Those who are quick to anger and react end up dying young, never fully understanding the art of conducting life with least effort so it works more fully for them. The secret is knowing when to engage and when to stand back and be patient. Those same strategies are used by generals to win wars and doctors to cure diseases.

 

Sometime in the game of life, the only winning move is NOT to play.

[:)]

Whether these MercyRose's Mom's rules or her, it doesn't matter. She posted them/shared them, so I think it would be safe to say that she agrees with them herself, coz most people don't give people advice they don't personally agree with. Least that's been my experience.

 

She wrote:

 

3.Give him lots of sex.

 

4.If he is angry and tense and irritable-he needs sex

 

Sorry but this is laughable and demeaning to women. Also a little demeaning to men in that it implies:

 

-you don't have to bother communicating in a marriage/relationship, or working together to get to the heart of the matter/problem/issue.....just screw your brains out, and lots, and that will fix everything. Pfft. It also implies that men can be manipulated and controlled and "managed" with sex.

 

-if a guy is angry, tense and irritable, just give him sex? What about if the guy is all of these things but it's a consistent mood and pattern with him....and he's acting very selfish and immature on a regular basis. The woman is just supposed to drop her pants and jump on to smooth things over? Why would a woman even WANT to give herself to someone who's acting like such a tit all the time? I know I wouldn't. I doubt most women would, either. Why give give give (in terms of sex) when all you're getting is a grumpy, irritable wanker that you have to end up walking on eggshells in order to coexist with him? How is sex going to get to the heart of the matter? That's like putting a bandaid on gunshot wound.

 

The whole tone of these rules implies that women should just cater to their men, even when they're behaving badly. Sorry but I have a problem with that. How would men feel if someone posted about a bitchy, constantly PMS-ing woman who was always cranky and overreacting to things....wouldn't you and other guys find it laughable and semi-offensive if some guy came along and suggested that when men are dealing with women like this, they should just smile sweetly and hand her their credit card and suggest she go shopping?

 

Just my thoughts.

[Tony T]

I think the hallmark of maturity is elasticity of thought. I don't think you should take these "rules" literally or as the final word. I give women more credit for having the intelligence to know when there's an attitude whether it's a guy's penis or his brain that are sadly lacking and when both are the same. That's what these rules are meant to imply.

 

I don't think the writer meant that women should screw their way out of difficulties with the opposite sex. In these rules, "sex" is an indirect metaphor for "sugar" in the old saying, you can get more accomplished with sugar than you can with vinegar.

 

Perhaps these rules presuppose the woman has made a proper choice in a mate and sustaining the union is paramount to creating more division. Perhaps in that case, then, literally making love is preferable to making war.

 

If women equate sex with love, as is most commonly advanced, then if love isn't the answer...what is? Frankly, for me anyway, of all the available alternatives sex sounds like the treatment of choice. (lol)

 

I don't take these rules literally. I don't think that in any culture women reward buttholes with sex. But I do think as a manner of thinking and speaking, women who are intent on living peaceful lives will approach problems in a more psychologically profitable way than direct, unproductive, dysfunctional, chaotic, irrational encounters with men or other women in whatever situational environment.

 

These very intellient women, and I think most of them are, understand that men's crazy behavior is often a symptom of something beyond and different from the immediate issue which they have a choice of dealing with and exploring more intuitively for cause...or making their lives miserable.

 

I think most women are smart enough not to want to be miserable. They know they can outsmart the men any day if they don't give in to the petty surface aspects of men's BS. It's just very basic to know that if you don't engage with other people's idiocies, they will tame and withdraw for lack of an object of interplay.

 

If you read "Men Are From Mars, etc.", you will know this strategy is spot on. However, this is not to say that you are not free to engage men at every opportunity. Whatever works for you!

[MercyRose]

Oh you lot are hilarious! Lighten up please ))

 

however i do have to inform you that my mums rules work )Our whole family is grateful to her and comes to her for advice.Especially the newlyweds )) and they call to say thankyou. awwwww isn't that cute )

 

Fact:You cannot change a person. You can ask someone to make effort for you but if they don't you cannot make them. That does not mean you dump a guy cos he doesn't want beans with his hotdog and was moody or fussy about it.

 

If anything 'dump him' advice is pathetic, not rules that plainly tell you that relationships are not easy and you have to compromise on some things using your own judgment to get along.

 

And to that smilie nick person above me on the list- mums advie was especially chosen by me in reply to one post, who argues twice a month with her and they fought over his tone about beans.

 

So don't go trashing my mums advice. It is meant to be given to couples who love eachother to help them get along in when they have little fights and tiffs caused by non-identified buttons )) not dysfunctional people or people in dysfunctional relationships.

 

lighten up sweetie!

 

and as to whether I agree with mums advice. I will use my own judgement in a situation about how to handle it, and if my mums rules are judged by me as the better soloution I would use them.

 

However I am not the one who posted a message here with a problem.

 

This is probably because I know mum's rules )))))

[:)]

That's really kewl that you find an adult discussion so amusing and entertaining. uh huh.

Oh you lot are hilarious! Lighten up please )) however i do have to inform you that my mums rules work )Our whole family is grateful to her and comes to her for advice.Especially the newlyweds )) and they call to say thankyou. awwwww isn't that cute ) Fact:You cannot change a person. You can ask someone to make effort for you but if they don't you cannot make them. That does not mean you dump a guy cos he doesn't want beans with his hotdog and was moody or fussy about it. If anything 'dump him' advice is pathetic, not rules that plainly tell you that relationships are not easy and you have to compromise on some things using your own judgment to get along. And to that smilie nick person above me on the list- mums advie was especially chosen by me in reply to one post, who argues twice a month with her and they fought over his tone about beans.

 

So don't go trashing my mums advice. It is meant to be given to couples who love eachother to help them get along in when they have little fights and tiffs caused by non-identified buttons )) not dysfunctional people or people in dysfunctional relationships. lighten up sweetie! and as to whether I agree with mums advice. I will use my own judgement in a situation about how to handle it, and if my mums rules are judged by me as the better soloution I would use them.

 

However I am not the one who posted a message here with a problem. This is probably because I know mum's rules )))))

[MercyRose]

for the smiley face person

 

i have decided you:

 

1.do not read a post properly and ignore the essence of the advice

 

2.have absolutely no sense of humour

 

3.and are selfish because you waste your time standing on a soapbox stealing the attention away from the person who wanted advice in the first place.

 

I don't always agree with everyone's advice. But everyone is entitled to say their piece and the person who wrote the first post asking for help will choose which advice he/she feels its right for them.

 

I believe in freedom of choice. However i also believe in freedom of speech which is why you are also entitled to say your piece.

 

However I am writing this post to inform you I will not answer pathetic and mean posts like yours that are not helpful to anyone and make you look petty.

 

say what you want about me (freedom of speech), but I will not reply (freedom of choice)

[:)]

>However I am writing this post to inform you I will not answer pathetic and mean posts like yours that are not helpful to anyone and make you look petty

[LoveShack.org]

There is no need to take this thread any further and the last post has been deleted. If you have questions about the reason for the deletion, go to the top of this message board.

 

Thank you.