I need , majorly! ( I posted it in the LDR forum as well)

[HurtingDeeply]

Ok Let me put it all out there on what my situation is:

 

I'm 18 (he's 21) & I've been with him for 3 years, and we live 13 hours apart from eachother. We've been through everything together and have grown and changed alot from eachother since we've been together. We're so deeply in love, and can't even explain how much it hurts for me to even be in this situation to begin with. He became my whole world; everything I breathed, thought of, longed for, and cherished with my whole heart. He was on the top of my list.

I'm in my senior year of high school & our plan has been for me to move there after I graduate high school and attend college there. Since he lives so far away we see eachother on average every 2 months to sometimes even 6 months..but on average about every 3 months. He lives with his parents, and I sleep in the guest room when I'm there; vice versa. Well we broke up like mid-2004 for a few months & got back together around September/October 2004. Around October he met this girl at a gym, and said that he knew her from Elementary school. He told me that they're going to hang out with some of his guy buddies and work out together at the gym every other night. Then, he informed me they were going to a concert together as 'buddies' and nothing more.It was a band at the time he was crazy over and I guess so was she and I was too. She used to call him and leave voice messages and they started hanging out more frequently, and he went to her job I found out later and she had also been to his house. I had no suspicions because I trusted him & really cared for him. One day, in early November or so he calls me angry saying that she cussed him out for no reason or something along those lines & he was pissed and never talking to her again. He sounded REALLY upset and I didn't know why he cared so much but I just went along with it figuring he was just sad he lost a friend. After that, I recall if I ever brought up her name or something that had to do with her or the band that they saw together he started acting funny[like sad, angry, guilty, like he was hiding something and didn't know how to act about it or wanting me to find out about] One evening, a year and 2 months later, I confronted him about why he got so upset at the sound of her name, etc. and he said he wasn't and it was all in my head. We got off of the telephone, and he called me immediately back pratically crying stating how he messed up and said that she and him 'messed around & fooled around' in his room. My heart stopped and I thought he meant a kiss or flirting; He told me they had sexual intercourse two or three times & oral sex once. He lost his virginity to her I was to find out a few months after that. For a moment, my world shattered and I was so emotional that I was numb from feeling them. I felt like such a fool for trusting him and being so blind. In June 2005, I lost my virginity to him. I honestly wanted to wait until marriage and he was aware of this but told me that I was the one for him & we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. [ He told me this origionally when he wanted to buy me a promise ring in November 2004. He then "proposed" with it a couple of months after that during New years, when the ball dropped in Time Square. I knew I loved him, and wanted to spend my life with him too so I went ahead and made love with him.

Things were getting better in June 2006, 1 year or so later after finding out the news and I was starting to nearly move on. I stayed with him because I loved him and I knew that he was sorry & I forgave him explaining that he better never do that again to me. He said he could never hurt the one person he truly loves and that's why he didn't tell me for so long. Well in mid-June, I was soaking in the bath and noticed that something wasn't right health-wise with my body. I felt these little skin lesions that I had never felt before. Once out of the bath tub, I got a mirror and flashlight and sure enough something was very wrong. I called my boyfriend and he started getting worried and we scheduled an appointment at a clinic near him so I could visit it and get diagnosed when I was to fly there a couple of weeks later. Being the curious and worried person that I am I wanted to know if there was anything wrong with me sooner than that, so to do that I needed to find info on the girl that he cheated on me with. Sure enough she had a profile at Myspace.com. I was terrified to read that she had been raped when she was in high school at a party.[she had it written on her profile because she said it made her a stronger person today. I'm glad she had it on there because it made me realize I really did need to get checked out.] I still wanted to know if I had something wrong with me, so I came up with a fake membership and posted a fake message to her saying I had been raped too and just found out I had an HPV( the STD I had symptoms of) to find out. [ I know it was wrong; but I had to know the truth.] It turned out she had it. I started crying immediately I just knew inside that I had it too.[ It's transmittable even with a condom on and 85% of sexually active people have it in the U.S., most of them without even knowing because it's so highly contagious and sometimes doesn't show an outbreak for years.]I flew down there and my boyfriend rented a condo at the beach near his city so we could relax as much as possible and have time alone.*my parents didn't know* I know-BAD, but it was an emergency..his parents didn't like us alone there either but we were both of age so they let us do as we pleased. We went to the clinic confidentially & she examined me and said I have it. My boyfriend immediately felt guilty & started getting teary-eyed. She handed us more info about it and we left. I decided to lay down and relax on the bed and my boyfriend took the garbage out and came back. He saw me laying on the bed and kneeled to my side on the ground while I was laying down, balling to the point that he couldn't breathe stating, "I'm so sorry!! I'm so sorry! Ohhh GOD..I'm so sorry.My life has been terrible, and now I gave you an STD on top of it, I'm so sorry, baby!!" I comforted him saying " I know baby, I know. Don't cry, I know." and rubbing his back. On the inside, I was hurt more than words can say and part of me was angry. But I kept telling my self that he didn't know she had an STD so it wasn't completly his fault it was just the fact that he cheated on me in the first place. Well, we kept it confidential after that from everyone, including his parents and my parents, because we didn't want them to find out about what we had done, we thought it would only make the situation 10 times worse & planned to get it treated sometime when we saw eachother next. We went to the airport, both crying harder then usual because we would know this would be worse then the usual goodbye and flying away see you in a few months kind of thing, if that's not difficult enough.

Things were getting a little bit better, then came September 2006. He told me that he had a few more things that he kept holding inside that he thought I needed to know.[i immediately went OHHH NO!! not AGAIN!!], and he told me that when he went to spring break in March 2005 with his guy buddies that he went to nightclubs, parties where people were doings tons of illegal drugs and informed me that he was really really drunk and asked a girl to make out with him but she supposedly said no and nothing happened.[*Now that I look at it; I think they may have gone way further than what he told me. I also think the only reason he told me is because that day, his friend that went with him to spring break added me on my myspace profile and asked if I'll be down there for this coming spring break at the beach, and I feel like my boyfriend thought that he would tell me, if he didn't say it first.*] He then went on to tell me he went to stripclubs with the same guy & got lots of lapdances, etc. and that he went to the same guys' college house parties to get drunk, high off of pot and once even off of cocaine.[Yep, you read it right--COCAINE!] I wanted to break it off right then and there.Butstarted falling back in love with him, wanting to move on from it, as much as I felt like I shouldn't at ALL. But I looked at it as he's a changed person now & is even considering starting church when I move down there. (unless you count he still lies because he lied to me this whole 3 years about all of that and never told me) Being the Christian girl that I am, it's very difficult for me to stay with someone that keeps doing wrong over and over and over. But there's another side to it that keeps telling me that he's changed now for the most part and he keeps saying that he'll never do it again. But that other part also says I'm young, and can do SO much better so just to break up with him..but that's the really tough part; I don't know how to break up with someone who is a big part of my world and who I had my entire future planned out with, and who I can't help falling in love with all over again at the drop of a hat. I also don't know how, once a miracle happens and I get the strength, to just break-up with him, and walk away from a part of my world not knowing what could have been, knowing I'd never see him again. Not EVER. I especially don't know how I could stand the pain of our memories and flying away for the last time on the plane and not just have a nervous break-down. How much pain can he heart hold?? I'll also have to live the daily life of something complelty different after high school, all the way up until my wedding day because I planned all of that to be with him. But what really worries me, is how can I even begin to break up with him, when I fly down there in a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving? How do I do it, and when and where? Should I do it right when I get there so the week isn't full of us kissing and acting as a couple, and it makes me look like a major hypocrite to break up with him at the end of the week? Should I wait til the end of the week, so I don't have to stay in his house the whole time while we're broken up and we have to cry while we're in the same household? How does one go about doing that in my situation? It's kind of insane when you really think about it. Or do I just stay with him, hoping he'll change and hoping we'll make it? Honestly, I'm stuck in the biggest rut of my life that I've ever been in and it determines my life & how it's going to be. Should I break up with him and find someone knew when I start college? It would be simpler if I were with someone else..Or do I just stay with him hoping I'll move on from all the crap he's put me through and trust him again?

 

I know that was like reading a long novel; but my life is at hand and I'd realllly appreciate some good advice and guidance right now. Someone's life is at risk; Mine! Please help me!Idon't know what decision to make and I definitly don't want to make the wrong one.

 

Thankyou SO much.

HurtingDeeply.

[Guest]

He became my whole world; everything I breathed, thought of, longed for, and cherished with my whole heart. He was on the top of my list.

Be careful of making someone your world, especially if it gets to the point of you neglecting yourself, your desires, your dreams - things you need to do, consider et cetera.

 

The fact that he lied, and repeatedly tried to hide what he has done, the cheating, the strip clubs, the "making out incident" do not look promising. Of course, LDRs are hard to maintain, and people do make mistakes, because of that. But without honesty, without discussing matters, it is doomed. Have you ever had a discussion with him, about cocaine and pot? If not, why not? If you have, why was he so afraid to tell you he used that stuff? As for the "considering going to church"-part, are you and him compatible in values, beliefs and those important things? I clearly have the impression that that is not the case.

 

but that's the really tough part; I don't know how to break up with someone who is a big part of my world and who I had my entire future planned out with, and who I can't help falling in love with all over again at the drop of a hat.

Yes you can help it. You feel like that because you conjure up all these notions of him being perfect - because you have thought nothing else in the past 3 years. I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to explain to you that it is impossible for you to judge him objectively. Would one of your friends advise you to go out with a guy who had done all that? Would you advise one of your friends to go out with a guy who had done all that?

 

I also don't know how, once a miracle happens and I get the strength, to just break-up with him, and walk away from a part of my world not knowing what could have been, knowing I'd never see him again. Not EVER.

Yet. But the time will come, sooner or later. Unless of course you end up marrying him, forgiving him for what he has done, and will find a way to deal with all these painful memories. Of course he claims he has changed - words are easy, even more so in a LDR, when you are not around to check those words on occasion.

 

I especially don't know how I could stand the pain of our memories and flying away for the last time on the plane and not just have a nervous break-down. How much pain can he heart hold??

A heart can carry the weight of the world. However, it cannot be content with being in pain, with being hurt. And that is what your heart has been put through, because of his actions. Because of his deceit.

 

I'll also have to live the daily life of something completely different after high school, all the way up until my wedding day because I planned all of that to be with him. But what really worries me, is how can I even begin to break up with him, when I fly down there in a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving?

It will be a shock to the system if you decide to break up with him. But you will survive, you will find a new dream, follow your heart, pursue your happiness, and hopefully end up being happy. The only difference is, is that it would be in a different way, than you have imagined the past three years. The shock does not mean in any way that it would be wrong for you to break up with him. It does mean you need some time to adjust to the new bf-less situation, that you will need some time to find out what you would want in your life, what kind of bf you want, what values he "should" subscribe to et cetera.

 

How do I do it, and when and where? Should I do it right when I get there so the week isn't full of us kissing and acting as a couple, and it makes me look like a major hypocrite to break up with him at the end of the week? Should I wait til the end of the week, so I don't have to stay in his house the whole time while we're broken up and we have to cry while we're in the same household? How does one go about doing that in my situation? It's kind of insane when you really think about it. Or do I just stay with him, hoping he'll change and hoping we'll make it?

If you do break up with him, there is never a good moment. Breaking up is hard, but if you feel it is the best thing for you, don't let any fear hold you back. Don't fool yourself. If you are not happy, fear of changing things will not make you happy. Likewise, you can seriously question whether or not it is a good idea to go there in the first place, if you do decide to break up. Because pretending to anyone that things are okay, when they are not is hard and painful.

 

Honestly, I'm stuck in the biggest rut of my life that I've ever been in and it determines my life & how it's going to be. Should I break up with him and find someone knew when I start college? It would be simpler if I were with someone else..Or do I just stay with him hoping I'll move on from all the crap he's put me through and trust him again?

Only you can decide what to do. That being said, it seems the trust issue is beyond repair. Quite a few things he only told, out of fear that someone else might beat him to it. That is a very unhealthy attitude to build any relationship on, let alone a LDR, where trust issues are magnified.

 

To me, as an outsider, I would seriously suggest a break-up. There are quite a few differences in values apparent, not to mention that he has shattered your trust, at least thrice. And worse, he deliberately tried to hide it from you.

 

Also, you made him your life in the past 3 years. And were disappointed a few times. Go out and live your life, do what you want to do, and live your life for yourself. Breaking up with him is hard now, because this relationship defines your life, your thoughts, your dreams. And all those things have been shaken, because of his actions.

 

I know that was like reading a long novel; but my life is at hand and I'd really appreciate some good advice and guidance right now. Someone's life is at risk; Mine! Please help me! I don't know what decision to make and I definitely don't want to make the wrong one.

It is a good thing that you took the time to write the novel. It will give people a serious insight in the dilemma you are facing. And it is an important decision. Don't settle for the known, because you currently fear the unknown. And if you do decide to stay in this relationship, there are a lot of things in the relationship that need work, that need nurturing.

 

Whatever you do, don't make any man the whole of your life.

[Guest]

You must cease to rationalize. This guy is definitely no good for you and not what you are looking for. Let it burn.

[HurtingDeeply]

Thankyou soooo much for your advice & your thoughts. I'm glad that you cared enough to take the time to read and reply to that. It truly means the world.

 

 

Love,

HURTINGDEEPLY

[ShoeGirl]

Hi-

 

I was in a similar situation... my (ex) bf and I were long-distance, he kept lying to me, he cheated on me, he did drugs when he swore he never would, etc. This lasted 2.5 years and last week he broke up with me because he couldn't handle hurting me anymore, basically because he couldn't stop lying to me.

 

You will get to the point where you are so fed up that you won't want to do it anymore... Until then you will keep convincing yourself that everything is ok, that when you live in the same city everything will get better, that you will get married and life will be perfect, etc. But from what I have gone through that is not the case at all... looking back now I don't even know how I thought things would get better, the only thing that I was basing that on was what he said to me (but he was a liar remember).

 

I don't know how similar our situations are but form what you wrote it sounds really similar. Maybe you aren't thinking the same things that I was, but I hope that I have helped some.

 

Here are some things to think about:

-Think about the problems you are having now, do you see any of them going away in a year? 5 years?

-Look at the ones that you don't see going away, can you live with that forever?

 

My reccommendation would be to break up now... I know that you probably won't because you still have some hope that it will get better, and it takes a ton of courage and stregnth to do that. But at least take some time and think about what your life would be like in a few years with him, if you honestly think things will get better then maybe you should stay a little longer. In the end it is up to you.

 

~SG

[ShoeGirl]

One more thing... I just realized how old you are and I thought I should add one more thing

 

My biggest regret right now is that I spent my first 2+ years of college in a LDR, I missed out on so much. I have people telling me for the last week that they never invited me out because they thought my bf would object and they are probably right. Now I have 7 months of college left (I did a college in high school thing so that is why it only adds up to 3 years) and I wish I had done so much more these last two + years.

 

Give your current situation I think you would be happier if you were single and could actually enjoy your college years.

[HurtingDeeply]

One more thing... I just realized how old you are and I thought I should add one more thing

 

My biggest regret right now is that I spent my first 2+ years of college in a LDR, I missed out on so much. I have people telling me for the last week that they never invited me out because they thought my bf would object and they are probably right. Now I have 7 months of college left (I did a college in high school thing so that is why it only adds up to 3 years) and I wish I had done so much more these last two + years.

 

Give your current situation I think you would be happier if you were single and could actually enjoy your college years.

 

Thankyou for sharing you story.

 

Yeah the plan has been to break up with him, & I'm going to do so, as soon as I get treated for my STD where he lives. I can't do it here because of my parents and don't have the cash right now; so I have to go down there for it. But yes, I'm going to college I'm fixing to go audition for a music scholarship & I really am truly looking forward to my future now that he won't be in it & someone great might step into it.

 

I'm glad to have someone to relate to, so thankyou.

 

HurtingDeeply