6 Years, and Hurt

[JEONUNH]

Sorry if this is long... I was with my ex for 6 years. Throughout our 6 years together we broke up a few times. I think I would consider one of the break-ups as being pretty serious, and the others were just stupid college type splits that lasted a week or two. Our serious breakup was 2 years ago, and I had initiated it because I felt like we were stuck at a point where we needed to move forward or move on. After a couple weeks of being apart I realized how much she really meant to me, and I spent the next three months convincing her that I had made a mistake and that we could move forward and change things. I promised to do more things with her, trips, romance, marriage, etc. She took me back and moved in shortly after. She had just graduated college and was trying to get a job, so I was supporting her during this tough time. It was hard because we were both just starting out in the real world. We had fights over money, chores, family functions etc. Over the next two years things were up and down. She was floating around to different jobs, and I was stressed out with my job. Money was somewhat tight, and she expected me to do all the things I had promised when we got back together. I realize now that I should have tried to make these things happen, even though I didn't feel secure in where I was with my job and finances, but I just always felt like I needed to be more established before I could consider marriage and moving forward.

Things started to really fall apart in the last year. We stopped fighting and stopped communicating. She would go to her family things alone many times and not tell me that it bothered her I wasn't there. There were constant reminders about marriage, but I was scared to get married. I have had trouble with many things in our time together and they seemed to get worse as time went on. Mostly I had trouble doing simple things like trips to the city or anything that took me out of my comfort zone. I never used to be like that, but I didn't see that it was becoming a BIG problem. It's not like things were terrible, we had plenty of good times together, but the things we did were always the same. We weren't trying new things or going to new places.

A couple months before we broke up we went to a party where her friends brother called me out on not proposing to my gf. He did it right in front of her and I felt very pressured. I knew that she sensed it and that it was going to lead to something. A week or two later we got in a big fight and she asked me if I still wanted to marry her or had even started to save money for her ring. I lied and said I hadn't, because I was upset and wanted to hurt her. The truth was that I had been saving for a ring, but I was still waiting for us to get through the funk we were in. She ended up leaving after that fight for a few hours and returned acting normal. I wanted to appologize and tell her I didn't mean what I said, but for some reason I didn't. The next week she left for a week long trip for work. I felt like this was good timing, because I really needed the time alone to think. While she was gone I really spent the time to think about our future, what parts of our relationship needed work, and what steps we should take to fix it. I decided that now was the time to put in the effort I should have been putting in all along.

When she got back from her trip we had a couple good days. We were talking well, being intimate, and I was trying to put my best foot forward. She told me she planned to spend the weekend with her cousin, which bothered me, because she had just been gone for a week, but I let it go. I didn't want to get into a fight when I had just promised myself I was going to make it work. On Thursday of that week she emailed and said she was bringing home pizza from out favorite place. I got home and had a couple slices, but something seemed wrong. I asked her what was the matter and she told me to sit down. She told me she didn't think we should get married, and basically said that people don't change and that she was moving out. She moved out the next morning while I was at work wishing I was dead. I should have fought with her and told her she was wrong, but I was just in so much shock. I was hurt and confused, because the last couple days were so good. I realize now that she was getting in some last loving before dumping me. She later told me that she had decided to end things after our last fight and had built up the courage while on her trip. She said she had planned to do it as soon as she got back, but was afraid I would think she had cheated on me during her trip.

OK, I'll try to finish up quick. Since we broke up I found out that I suffer from depression. It has been with me a long time, but I hadn't recognized it. It was basically the cause of our problems, or more specifically my short comings. I've let her know all this and she's been very supportive. We meet for dinner at least once a week, and we've agreed to try and do the things together that she always wanted and that I had always resisted. The major rule in play right now is that there can't be ANY romance. She still wants to move on, or at least find herself. She wants space while she decides what she wants in life.

I'm really confused about what to do now. I'm going to a therapist and will be starting on some meds pretty soon to treat my depression. The only reasons she had for breaking up with me were the thoughts that I wouldn't ever change, but now I think that her reasoning is no longer right. I really am going to change, and not just fall back into the same old rut. I think that her agreeing to be friends and to do things together is her way of testing me to see if I'm really going to change, but then other times I feel like she is using me as a crutch while she works on getting over her feelings for me. I feel upset that she isn't giving me another chance now that she knows what was wrong with me. I feel like if the situation were reversed I would take her back and support her through her treatment. She so badly wanted to get married and now I want to marry her more than anything.

Should I just wait and see how things progress? Is she giving me another chance or using me? Does she need more time to have me prove that I'm not going to fall back into the same routine? I'm totally committed to improving myself, with or without her. I've started exercising, lost weight, tried new things, bought new clothes, tried to communicate more... She just won't let me do more than that. I feel like I need to be able to do romantic things and plan trips to really show her that I'm changing. I think if we continue too long on the path we're on that we'll end up being friends, and I'm not ok with that. If she started dating someone new I'd be heart broken and we'd stop being friends. I just don't know how long this will work out. In the long run we need to either give things another shot, or end things completely. She's even told me that she wouldn't be ok with me dating. Is this her way of saying I should wait and see how things progress? I need to know what to do next. I really feel like I deserve another chance. I really want to just dump out all my emotions, but I don't want to pressure her and push her away when we're just starting to spend more time together. Maybe I just need to be patient, but it's just so hard.... Any advice would be great....

[AriaIncognito]

What you should do is just let her go. It's really hard to do, I know, I'm currently trying with mine as well, but otherwise, you're going to drive yourself insane wondering what she's thinking or feeling and meanwhile she might be moving on with her life without you. I realize you said you'd see eachother once a week, but then, what happens when she meets someone, that will die off. Focus on you, as hard as that is, and what you need right now. If things are meant to get back for you and her, it will happen on it's own course whether or not you're there weekly, or not.

 

Good luck to you. I know it's not easy...

 

Jennifer

[JEONUNH]

I've heard that advice from a bunch of my friends, but I just can't accept it. I've made mistakes in my relationship and in life in general, but I feel as if letting her go would be the biggest mistake I've ever made. She spent so much time and energy in the last couple years trying to get me to come around and it took this drastic action for me to finally see that she was truly the one for me. Without this I would never have gone to seek the help that I need to get better. So many of the stories I've read here involve some terrible betrayal that led to the break-up, but we never had anything bad happen. Neither of us ever cheated, and we still love each other. We both say it every time we hang up or part ways. I know deep in my heart that if we got back together that we'd never be apart again. I think the only thing that keeps us apart now is that she spent so long being the one making the effort and she's not convinced that I can change. For a large portion of our relationship it felt like she loved me more than I could love her back, and I think that is what hurt her in the end. She's had to work hard to build up a wall to push those feelings away so that she could try to move on. I don't expect her to trust me again right away, because she tried for so long and I didn't change. It was never that I didn't want to, but anxiety and depression were holding me back. It really hurt my pride to finally admit I have a problem and seek help, and I wish she realized how very much I love her and intend to REALLY change for her this time. I think her pride and ego is standing in the way. Maybe I need to give her more time to believe that I'm changing and not just reacting to the break-up, but I think it would be so much easier to go through this together. I just don't think I'll ever accept that this break-up is the right thing. It may have been the drastic action needed to finally change me, but what if it's now too late? Has anyone that posts here ever been through anything similar and ended up getting back together? It seems like everyone here never does, or at least stops posting before they do. This has been the single hardest thing in my life. I can't just let go of the person I know I'm meant to be with, especially when I know that she knows it too.

[D-Lish]

Actions speak louder than words. You're in a good position because she continues to meet with you. What you need to do is SHOW her progress....not just promise it will come.

 

To be honest, the road to recovery from depression~ even with meds and therapy~ is a long one. You just don't start taking meds and "boom" feel better. There will be a waiting period, and some frustrating moments.

 

What is really great, is that you have acknowledged the problem and have made positive actions to turn things around. That's a great start.

She needs to find the man she once fell in love with. Even if you don't feel positive~ act that way. Don't pressure her, just build a friendship and be patient. Pressuring could scare her away. And you don't want her to come back out of guilt, you want it to be her decision to return...because remaining with you out of guilt will only cause resentment on her part down the road.

 

But, continue to work on yourself. Some damage has been done in the past, so you'll have to rebuild your relationship again.

Keep up with the therapy and start the meds asap as they can take 2 months to get into your system, and you'll have to deal with some side effects and perhaps some dosage fiddling and experimentation to find the SSRI that works best for you.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself better~ that's really important at this point. Don't gauge all your happiness on another person! Do this for you~ then work on the relationship when you feel ready to follow through with her expectations and can better fulfill her needs. You have to get yourself in the right place and be happy with yourself before you can be a better partner to someone else.

 

I speak from experience here...

Hope the insight helps.

Dee

[JEONUNH]

Thanks Dee,

 

I totally agree with what you wrote. It's good to hear someone validate how I feel. I agree that I should work on myself first and then persue her after I know I'll be able to keep up my end of things. Even though I know this is the best course right now, I still feel like waiting too long could result in her feelings fading. I guess I should consider that right now she doesn't want me back, because she needs to know that I changed, so I really need her to forget how she feels right now before I could hope for anything. I start on Wellbutrin this week. It's supposed to start being effective after about 6 weeks and has fewer side effects than most. The timing might end up being pretty good. We're both going to a wedding for a mutual friend on new years eve. Wedding, New years, and booze... something's bound to happen there. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but it seems like a pretty ideal time to start over. Realistically I think it will probably take loger than that before we could start over. We broke up a couple months ago and have only really starting being ok around each other in the last couple weeks. With all the holidays and family functions coming up there is going to be the grim reminder of how we aren't spending them together, and it will either make her miss me or remind her how much trouble we had with family things. (She has a huge family, no less than 10 xmas parties a year for her family alone) Anyway, I'll keep on keeping on, and hopefully things work out. I'll keep the forum updated, because I hate reading the threads where the person stops posting suddenly and doesn't give up the results of their efforts.

[Guest]

All Thios Site Has Done Is Confuse Me And It Hasn't Help Either Of Us...hey I Called Bucrhy And He Was Upset So There's Something There

 

U Know I Am Not A Crazy Cat

 

I Know That If I Keep Communiacting Like This, Weel, Like I Said, I Just Can't - Because It Makes No Sense - And Do U Think Bells And Off My Modem Helps?

 

Seriously, If Chrtis Is Happy Doing Whatever She Is Doing - That's Kewl

If She Ever Wanted To Know What I Did When I Lost Half My Mind - Kwl - No Probs

But I Can't Stay Communicating Like This - Its Toxic For Me - U Have Already Seen That

I Need And Want A Healthy Life, And Healthy Patnership

All This Has Done Is Confuse Me More

How In The Whole Is A Stupid White Boi Rapper Wanna Be Ever Gonna Figure This Out

Lol

Oh Well

Sorry I Am So Stupid

But Like I Said I Have To Make A Decision Which Way I Am Going

And I Have Not Hand Anything To Go By Forever - So, If Chrsi Had Affairs Etc. There Is No Need For Me To Know If There Is No Attempt At Anythiong

 

I'm Not Mad - She's A Big Gurl

She Does Wantever She Wants And She Knows That

 

Damn U Have Exhausted This Old Man Again!

 

Lol

 

Woo Hoooo

[D-Lish]

J,

 

The meds do make a difference, especially in conjunction with therapy. maybe you have a bit of anxiety too? With regards to the social outings, gatherings, etc?? Anxiety often accompanies depression.

 

Believe me, there is nothing better than starting the road to recovery. Do feelings fade? Sometimes, but you two spent an awful long time together and have lots of history~ I suspect it would be hard for her to throw that away.

 

Keep up with the casual contact, as she seems open to this. Everytime you see her, try and remind her of the guy she fell in love with. Don't pressure though, or overdo the contact. Just keep it light and upbeat when you meet.

 

My first week on meds, I was also going through a break up~ and the meds made my emotions much worse. It got better though, and not everyone gets the side effects. I feel like a million bucks in comparison to 3 months ago when I started them.

 

Good luck, I think it will work out okay.

D

[JEONUNH]

Well Dee, You're right on the mark again. Today my therpist told me that he thinks anxiety is the root cause of my problems. My feelings of depression are more of a result of guilt for not being able to do the things I want to do. The therapy definitely helps and my therapist started out by saying he doesn't generally like to go the medication route, but I guess in my case he thinks the medication is going to be the most helpful part of my treatment since he doesn't think my anxiety is linked to anything behavioral. Only time and more sessions is going to really tell, and probably a bunch of tweaking to my doses and such. I hope that in time my ex can see how this treatment can really fix the broken parts of our relationship, but for now I'm just going to see how things go and try and get better for myself. If she doesn't take the changes at face value then it's her loss, and at least I'll know I did everything I could to prove myself.

[Guest]

Hi JEONUNH,

 

It's kind of amazing how our situations are quite similar. Three weeks ago my fiance for 6 years broke up with me because she was tired of trying. She felt she that we were incompatible, and had different goals in life, and we had been fighting for the last 1.5 years. In retrospect, it was my social anxieties, and low self esteem that really drove our relationship in the ground. She was a social person, and I never went out with her, or wanted to really do anything that wasn't routine out of the house (eg. eating, shopping, etc.). I just couldn't find the energy to do things. After a while, both of us were feeling like we should end it, but she was the first to pull the trigger.

 

But now that she's gone, I can see everything so clearly, and how much she tried to make our relationship work, but I was just tired of trying. To give you a little more background, we started dating when we were younger, she 18, and 21 myself. We moved in together after a month of dating, and she went away twice during our 6 years together, once we were together, and the second time we broke up for the first little while. During the beginning she slept with someone which really tore me up. And I think I never healed from that.

 

In any case for the first 3 years I felt like I was doing all the work for the relationship, and suffering all the pain while she was off pursuing her other life goals outside of the relationship. When she came back, she was ready to commit and get married, we even got engaged. But for some reason, I just couldn't get it together for the next 2.5 years or so. She tried so hard doing different things to change herself to make it work, but it just wasn't working because I wasn't responding. During that time, I was quick to blame her for our relationship being bad, but now that I see it more clearly, it was a lot to do with my social anxieties and self-esteem issues that really stopped us from being compatible and sharing something.

 

It's a tough pill to swallow, and I've had some serious ups and downs, almost allowing the guilt to bury me entirely. I'm trying to get through it, and I hope you do to. From the little experience I have, I think seeing a therapist is a great thing (I'm seeing one too to work on my issues) and also no contact is the best method, and making the change on your own.

 

I begged for a second change, saying that I can change, but I know that just wasn't going to cut it anymore. If there was any possibility of a second chance, it would have to be in the future when I had made the change. Even now I don't put much chance on it, although I love her more than anything else. It's tough.

 

Well that's my story. I've been reading these boards trying to look for helpful advice and thoughts, and there are a lot of good posts out there that have helped me through the rougher moments. Just thought I would share.

[D-Lish]

Good luck with the meds. I only mentioned the anxiety because I saw some indicative factors in your posts. I have it too, and the meds stop the fear response that prevents people from doing the things they want to do. It's pretty common just so you know.

 

I am on Cipralex (brand name) not sure of the generic name.

But it is an SSRI and an anti-anxiety... it has helped me loads, I feel like a different person.

 

Give it two months, and you'll feel better too...

Then you'll be in a better position to work on the relationship.

D

[mrbeantown]

--"Believe me, there is nothing better than starting the road to recovery. Do feelings fade? Sometimes, but you two spent an awful long time together and have lots of history~ I suspect it would be hard for her to throw that away."-- READ ON

 

I was in a simalar situation with my ex of 6 years ( I posted it under the break ups forum) I was having "change" problems as well. We started as a break still saying I love you, I miss you etc. She broke it off after a month of being on a break.

 

Well I come to find out while we were on the break she had been talking to this guy on myspace that she had a crush in In high school and went on ONE date with 10 years ago. Now after one month of me not communicating or seeing her they started dating. Before I found this out (although I had my suspisions) she "threw out" alot of the stuffed animals and gifts I gave her as well as pictures of me, plus I left the apartment we had so she could have her space now all my stuffs in storage and Im staying with my sister.... SO, yes she CAN throw you out of her life even if you have a long history together but you just have to stay possitive keep on doing what you are doing so when she sees you again she may think twice about her desicion and possible regret it. Stay stong if she wants to come back dont take her back right away (that is if you even want to by then) let her fight for you just like you are trying to fight for her now.

 

Stay strong man, you will get through this......

[JEONUNH]

Well, a quick update. We met up a couple days ago for our weekly dinner. We watched a movie on the couch together while we ate, and shared a blanket. It was a nice night, no real romance to speak of, but we were clearly enjoying eachothers company. I let her know about how my therapy was going and how I would be starting on some meds as well as continue with therapy. I think she is starting to see how committed I am to making changes in my life. As many people say, actions speak louder than words, so she knows I'm not just saying I want to change, I'm walking the path too.

 

I also confided to one of her friends about what's going on. She was really supportive during our last break-up, so I've been talking to her off and on this time as well. I know my ex knows that I talk to her, but both her and my ex say that they don't share what is said. I trust her to keep what I say to herself since she's been my friend for a long time as well. When we first broke up her friend told me that I should work on moving on, because that is what my ex was doing. Now she's said things about what a huge action this is to show my ex I'm really going to change. I know my ex had originally thought that after all the promises to change had failed that I just couldn't, but I think maybe she's starting to look back and see exactly how my anxiety played a role in all our past issues. I don't expect her to come back to me any time soon. She's going to have to see how my treatment changes me before she'll agree that we're right for each other, but in the meantime we're both not looking to date anyone else, so I'm ok with being apart. If she dated someone else it would be the end for us, because that's the only thing I wouldn't be able to get over.

 

Anyway... lastnight she called my cell at about 11:30, because I told her I would be out in the city she lives in. I had joked by email that she should call me if she was feeling drunk and "impressionable" She didn't leave a message or try my home number, so I think she might have been looking for a booty call. It would have been nice since it's been close to 3 months now, but I think it was fate that I didn't answer the phone. (I was upstairs in bed) I think if we'd hooked up she would have reacted by distancing herself from me after she sobered up and realized her mistake. I am going to a wedding at the end of the year that she'll be at. She told me she'll kill anyone girls that get near me. She always had a problem with her friends flirting with me. All her friends love me and act sorta inappropriate at times. I'm betting we'll probably end up hooking up at the wedding since there will be feelings of jealousy, love, and alcohol mixed together at the wedding. I'm the kind of person that can separate the act of sex from "love" so I'm not concerned that I'll take it as us being back together, but it might open up a dialog where we could discuss where we both stand. So much for a quick update... I'm not sure if anyone has any thoughts about any of this. Thanks to everone for sharing their experiences and support. I really appreciate it.

[JEONUNH]

I'm having trouble deciding between two schools of thought.... The first and most common is the whole NC thing. I understand why it works, and I can understand why it's a good thing in some cases. To me it seems like it's risky and manipulative if you're using it to try and get someone back. If you're indifferent or trying to move on I think it's effective and a good thing to do, but if you still love someone and they still love you I think it is just a way to push them into wanting you back by making them miss you. It probably won't resolve the issues or make them trust you any more than they did before, and the relationship could end up failing all over again as they start to remember why they broke things off in the first place.

 

The second school of thought is limited contact. This is what I'm trying right now. We see each other at least once a week and talk a few times a week on the phone or through email. Otherwise we're doing our own things while we each try to grow as individuals. The idea here is that we'll grow as friends and enjoy the limited encounters we have together and eventually decide that we each want more. It's tough for me right now, because I'm going through major life changes and really need someone to be there for me. She's there for me, but I feel hurt sometimes being around her, because I want so badly to just hold her and share all the romantic feelings I have. I really enjoy the time we spend together and I can tell that she does too. I get the feeling that she just wants to measure my progress and move forward when she can see that I've really changed in the ways she wanted. I feel as though I can offer her what she wants right now, because even though I've just begun my therapy, and will soon be starting on some medication, I have had the drive in me ever since we broke up to do what she wants. I'm sure if I wasn't getting help that I'd eventually go back to the way I was, but I will be able to keep it up now.

 

OK, so those are the two ways of doing things as I see them. On to the questions... Is the limited contact thing a mistake? Am I just providing her with the support she needs and robbing myself of the ability to move on? Am I keeping her from getting past the issues we had so that she won't start seeing me in a new light? Has anyone had success doing the limited contact approach or does it usually end up going into NC? I'm sure NC would work, but I care to much about her to break things off now, because she is happy with the way things are going right now. Should I take it as a good sign that she wants to keep seeing me regularly? I'm committed to getting her back someday and I'm worried that what I'm doing will take forever or fail, and I'm also concerned that if I did NC that I would insult her and have to start all over with her on the friends level if one of us broke the NC. ughhh, confused....

[D-Lish]

You're totally on the right track with things.

If she is open to the idea of having a weekly visit with you, then there's no reason to stop that. The weekly contact actually provides you with an opportunity to show her your progress.

 

Does she respond to the idea of getting back together one day?

If I didn't still love someone, I wouldn't commit to weekly visits and frequent contact.

 

You have an opportunity here to show her the man who she first fell in love with. Don't go into NC unless she is adamant about not wanting to get back together. If she states this- then you'd only be hurting yourself by continuing to see her and speak to her. I think you're on the right track though! And definetely in a good position to win her back.

 

Keep things upbeat and low pressure when you are with her.

Sounds promising.

D

[JEONUNH]

Thanks Dee

 

I'm happy to hear someone confirm that I'm doing the right thing. We haven't really discussed getting back together since we started hanging out regularly. I don't want to make things wierd, because she told me before we started seeing each other again that we can't have our time together be all about trying to get her back. She wants it to be about the "activities" assuming we're going to do something and not about romance or pushing. I guess this is her way of saying that if there is a future for us it needs to happen organically and not be forced. I think at some point there needs to be a talk, but I don't know when I should bring it up. I think I should at least wait until I get started on my meds... (finally starting on Friday) Actually I kinda want to wait until I have a month of meds under my belt so I can get through some of the initial side effects and not be a total emotional flake at the same time I'm trying to reconcile with her.

 

Here's another question.. Am I making myself too available? I saw her on Thursday for dinner. She invited me over to watch a movie on Saturday. She invited me over again on Sunday (which I declined even though I wanted to) and then she invited me over for dinner on Monday after my therapy seesion. She's coming to my house again this Thursday for dinner..... I'm worried that if I see her too much she won't develop a feeling like she needs to be with me. With the exception of sex, she's getting all the perks of a relationship without the committment... I guess I also want to know if anyone knows how long I should wait before bringing up possibly getting back together. I appreciate the advice and support as always.. thanks

[D-Lish]

Don't worry about it! Seriously. The things you are reading about no contact apply to couples when one party wants the relationship to end and the other doesn't.

 

It sounds like she is the one who wants the contact~ and that's a hopeful and promising sign. Your situation doesn't need the no contact rule, because she is probably spending time with you because she wants to get back together. She's probably evaluating your progress. You don't need to play the no contact game, because you're already in the friend phase~ hopefully moving toward reconciliation.

 

One thing I would recommend is that you let her bring up getting back together. Let that be her decision. She has stated she doesn't want that pressure just yet~ so just be patient and wait for the right moment.

 

She's not spending time with you "just because"....so don't worry. Just be patient. It's okay to skip a night, or bow out of an invitation, but don't make it into a game. You may not want to make yourself available to every invitation, or seem too eager.... but you don't want to blow your chances by blowing her off continuously- not at this point.

 

You may or may not experience side effects on the meds. Everyone is different. I was a freakin mess the first two weeks (insomnia, loss of appetite, unusually weepy:( )~ but after 3 months I'm feeling the positive effects, and am happy I made the choice to do it. It took about 2 months to get the full effects. The talking to a professional also helps a great deal.

 

You know what? It will be a true test of her commitment to you, how she supports you through this. It sounds like she cares for you a great deal and is willing to stick by you now that you've begun the steps to make some positive changes.... So, let her support you through this. That's what people do when they love each other, ya know? I imagine she wanted to take a break from the relationship in the first place because she didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel~ but you've proven to her that there is one, and it sounds like she is remaining in contact with you because she sees it to.

 

Don't worry about following some sort of no contact game plan. I truly don't think it applies to you at all. I think she is truly sticking by you because she loves you and is noticing your commitment to change.

She probably just wants to take it slow because she needs to make sure it's for real. So don't push anything, and let her come to her own decision and conclusion that she wants to officially get back together. That's important- that she is the one who makes that choice.

 

Hope that insight helps.

Dee