more and more frustrated!

[Crystal]

i know i had a long post here about this same subject, but i have been alot of thinking and observing and have come to the conclusion that i am just plain crazy!

 

why else would i stay? i had decided that i would no longer play into any of his cynical tones, sarcastic snips, or whatevers that bothered me.

 

well that lasted all of a day but the relief i felt was wonderufl. the thing is i have been observing so much and really think that this is just his personality traits.

 

he has in the past walked away from me when iwas still talking, or left the room or house when i had said something to him, his claim is that 'i did not hear you, sorrie'.

 

so today i did the same thing to him because he was in one of his dumb moods..i hate these moods, but i just cant tell if they are moods or really just the way he is.

 

i feel crap sxit for leaving the house when i could hear him still talking to me, but i had told him i was leaving so i really couldnt of heard him had i been any further away from him in the other room.

 

i hate acting like this, it makes me feel so bad about myself and it serves absolutely no purpose because if this is his way then i'm the one acting the fool right?

 

i should know after almost four years of being together, maybe i do know but have become more hypersensitive to his ways for some odd reason or another.

 

i thought long and hard about leaving, but the pain of it all makes me feel sick, that and him not even having a clue on how i feel.

 

i have thought long and hard also on how to bring this allup to him but there seems to be no easy answer to this.

 

if this is his personality then how does one go about telling someone their behaviour sucks without attacking their character or ego?

 

i wish i new, i have tried to explain things to him in the past by telling him that his tone of voice is always sarcastic but it just does not pinpoint the problem.

 

actually i guess i cannot even pin point the problem other then saying his tone of voice's makes him sound rude, arrogant, uncaring, snotty, arrogant, uncaring, unfeeling, unsympathetic, etc...as does his words at times....

 

but if these things are his personality traits then what? i dont hear him talking this way to his clients or friends or others like while he is on the phone so i know he has control over it.

 

it just seems like i have become so defensive to everything he says that now everything he says has become to feel like a personal attack when in fact maybe that is just the way he is.

 

i'm so confused, i dont know what to do, obviously...and i apologize for repeatedly coming here with the same mess, i just dont know what to do and i dont have anyone else to talk to about allthis..

 

idid bring it all up in counseling and the counselor thinks that i have an avoidant personality and use these things as a means to avoid feeling my real feelings, good or bad, and to run or hide from the real problem, the fear of commitment!

 

anyway, i dont know, i just dont know...............

[Tony T]

Sounds to me like you want to change this man and it won't happen.

 

You have a right to discuss with him the things that bother you so he has the opportunity of changing before you decide to break up with him.

 

It's wrong for you to mimick his behavior, walking out while he's talking...as he does with you. When you get down with the dogs you get up with fleas.

 

Take the high road and just tell him how you feel and let him know the consequences if he continues. Staying with this guy will be pure hell for you unless there are some modifications to the way he acts.

[Crystal]

ya know i agree and that is what is so bothering about all this.

 

i know he has the right to know how i feel before just wakling out on him but i've had such a hard time trying to explain this to him.

 

also i hate acting like he does, but it seems more and more that i do, not just today but all the time lately in little subtle ways just the tone of my voice mimicks his and i hate being that way, i really do.

 

i've always been a happy go lucky type and very good natured but either he is bringing me down or age or medical problems over the past couple years has brought me waaaaaay down and i'm fighting like hell now to get back to who i was, i dont like being this defensive person always on guard on feeling like i have to defend things i say for no stupid reason at all.

 

i just dont know what to tell him, that is my biggest problem! what do i say that the way you talk to me bothers me and i want you to stop talking so snotty and being so snippy and self-righteous towards me?

 

does that sound good? seriously, i need some coaching here, he is this way from morning till evening then in the evenings he finally chills and is very nice and sweet to me, and wants to sit by me and says all this real sweet mushy stuff to me, then the next morning he is this old tyrant again..

 

okay, i know what i gotta do it's just a matter of how and what to say, i suck at this, i really do, thanks tony, sorry for being such a major pest!

Sounds to me like you want to change this man and it won't happen. You have a right to discuss with him the things that bother you so he has the opportunity of changing before you decide to break up with him. It's wrong for you to mimick his behavior, walking out while he's talking...as he does with you. When you get down with the dogs you get up with fleas. Take the high road and just tell him how you feel and let him know the consequences if he continues. Staying with this guy will be pure hell for you unless there are some modifications to the way he acts.

[quankanne]

I hate to suggest this, but do you think maybe that the two of you are in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship? I see the same thing happening with my parents, and after 50 years of marriage, my mom is starting to finally fight back. He doesn't like that she's so direct (and vocal) with him, so he's gone into a "poor me, she's picking on me" mode because he doesn't know how to react to her new brass cajones!

 

To be honest, i'm surprised they lasted that long, but my mom being a doormat to his tantrums and putdowns is finally over, thanks to counselling sessions to combat depression.

 

I'd hate to see you get into a similar bond, because we know how much harder it is to change as we get older. If you know something's intrinsically wrong with your relationship, it's not wrong to try to make it better -- even if that means you step away, stop dating him or flat-out telling him that he's behaving badly and you know he's capable of being better than that.

 

I learned in Marriage Encounter that it's not wrong to experience the emotions that you do; right and wrong come into play when it comes to how you ACT on those emotions. So tell him (as non-threateningly as you can) that while you appreciate how good of a person he's been to you and your family, you feel that he's not showing you respect, and that it bothers you to the point of not wantign to be around him. That because you don't argue with or demean him on a regular basis, you expect the same in return.

 

You don't have to sink to his level to show him how you feel, just be honest and direct with him if he's being a jerk, or if he's being nice. It might be hard at first, but you'll get into the hang of it once you start.

 

BTW ... do you think he goes into tyrant mode because of stress from work? Is he unhappy about what he's doing in life and takes it out on you?

[Crystal]

thank you for replying:

 

i know his job is his main stressor in life, he does sales and works on commission only so when a deal starts to go down he freaks!

 

he refuses to switch or even consider another line of work, insisting that living from paycheck to paycheck will never be an option for him ever again as in the past before we met.

 

so i do know that i am the target for his stress relief but that when i talk to him in the morning and he knows the day is going to be busy he has that 'attitude' that i keep trying to describe, of arrogance, self-righteousness, but i guess if it is stress related then it would not be those above, but still he does not need to use those tones of voice with me.

 

i made up my mind to not play into his little voice games and do the same thing back, i started out new again today with a fresh resolve to not let him decide how i feel by his tone of voice that he may use with me, and then of course today he has been an angel! go figure huh, how can i practice when he wont cooperate! LOL

 

anyway, when ever he does use that tone from now on, i am going to tell him directly and calmly that "you dont need to use that tone with me" or something to that affect, havent figured out yet exactly what to say.

 

i really dont feel any respect from him, but in a way i think i deserve that because i've done very little to be respected for.

 

i have been ill for quite a while and he basically took care of everything for me, including my own bills, and i was very sick to really work too much but i did what i could to help keep on my own bills at least.

 

so i'm pretty sure there is alot of resentment towards me on his part, i think he thinks that i am lazy or something, but really i am not!

 

now i am trying to work again but it is slow going still but i am doing what i can but to him it just is not enough unless i worked 8 hour days six days a week, at least! and physically i cant do that just yet, plus i dont have a job that i can go to six days a week cause if i did i would.

 

ya know, idont know if this is going to make sense or not, but along the way i have lost alot of self-respect and independence on myself and feel sorta crappy about myself as well.

 

so i've thought about leaving him just to regain my own independence and self-esteem back, but once again that little voice tells me to do it here, that i dont NEED to leave to get that back, i just need to get back on track.

 

but it seems that he will still carry with him the opinions of me that he has dispite what i do, so maybe i feel defeated before i started anything.

 

i have been thinking about going to school for dog grooming as i love animals, am shy, and not a real people person so that would be a good field for me.

 

i told him this and the reason he laughed is cause i have tried to go to school before for web design and because of my illness i could not even remember anything that was taught or comprehend anything in the books that i read.

 

his opinion of me is that i try so many different things without even giving them a fair chance, and he is right, the things i have tried have mainly been different meds/herbs/vitamins to help get myself better.

 

i would go and buy something i heard good about it on the internet then find out one little negative thing about it and take it back, dispite all the good things that i heard about first.

 

so in a way i guess i get what i deserve and in another way i feel backed into a corner about this whole thing.

 

like tony said though he deserves to know what is going onbefore i was to just walk out onhim, so that is what i'm going to do.

 

i'm going to tell him that his tone of voice and the way he says things is what keeps me thinking of him as such a jerk.

 

i am going to try to point things out to him as these things come up so he can see what i am talking about.

 

what do you think of my ideas?

 

thank you for your help again.

 

oh as for being co-dependent i guess you can say that i am but i'm not sure about him, he is really grounded if that makes sense, he has a strong ego and self-esteem, obviously, wish i had one like he does, it is really hard for anybody to rock his boat!

I hate to suggest this, but do you think maybe that the two of you are in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship? I see the same thing happening with my parents, and after 50 years of marriage, my mom is starting to finally fight back. He doesn't like that she's so direct (and vocal) with him, so he's gone into a "poor me, she's picking on me" mode because he doesn't know how to react to her new brass cajones!

 

To be honest, i'm surprised they lasted that long, but my mom being a doormat to his tantrums and putdowns is finally over, thanks to counselling sessions to combat depression. I'd hate to see you get into a similar bond, because we know how much harder it is to change as we get older. If you know something's intrinsically wrong with your relationship, it's not wrong to try to make it better -- even if that means you step away, stop dating him or flat-out telling him that he's behaving badly and you know he's capable of being better than that. I learned in Marriage Encounter that it's not wrong to experience the emotions that you do; right and wrong come into play when it comes to how you ACT on those emotions. So tell him (as non-threateningly as you can) that while you appreciate how good of a person he's been to you and your family, you feel that he's not showing you respect, and that it bothers you to the point of not wantign to be around him. That because you don't argue with or demean him on a regular basis, you expect the same in return. You don't have to sink to his level to show him how you feel, just be honest and direct with him if he's being a jerk, or if he's being nice. It might be hard at first, but you'll get into the hang of it once you start. BTW ... do you think he goes into tyrant mode because of stress from work? Is he unhappy about what he's doing in life and takes it out on you?