When the other woman was your best friend.

[Guest]

How cliche right? My husband is in love with my best friend. He says he's not, I think differently and am having a hard time getting past this. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

My story. We were two couples who were the closest of friends until my best friends husband just left her one day for a woman young enough to be his daughter. My friend was devastated. My husband and I were her closest support system and she was over all the time getting financial and divorce advice from my husband. I saw them getting close but we were friends forever and my husband loved me. After 18 years of marriage we still had sex daily and were as close as can be. What did I have to fear in my perfect marriage?

 

Then the phone call arrived from my best friends soon to be ex. Warning me to check my husbands phone records. That my best friend was texting my husband over 3,000 times in one month.

 

Asked my husband about it and he said he's not hiding anything and he's told me she texts him for support. I told them both that they needed to back off and she needed to find her support somewhere else.

 

Month later another phone call from bf's husband. He had dialed into her voice messages and there were numerous messages to her from my husband. One that i personally heard stating to her that he loved her more than anything in the world and to pick up the phone.

 

That day was all out war. End of my relationship with my best friend. Broke my heart. She was my gym partner, lunch buddy, shopping buddy and my best friend. My husband and kids were my life. My husband has been the perfect father. How do i break my childrens hearts by throwing their daddy out?

 

This was a few months ago.We're still together but im not happy and i don't think i ever will be again. I miss my best friend I miss the love and respect i had for my husband. I don't know if i will ever see him the same again.

 

He tells me he loves me. He tells me he never stopped loving me. He tells me they became close that she was his best friend and it wasn't about me or to hurt me.

He tells me he needs his best friend back and i need to forgive. That i can never do. Friends do not do this to one another especially after the heartbreak she went through with her husband leaving.

 

Can it ever be the same? Can you ever forgive? Can marriages repair themselves after something like this?

 

I am truly heartbroken. I am not the same loving trusting person I once was.

 

Women their are so many men out there. Please stay away from the married ones, especially your best friends husband. If it wasn't for my kids and what a great father he is I think i'd be gone right now because i just feel pain everytime i look at him. He took my best friend away and she took my husband, my life......

 

is there any hope???

[noforgiveness]

since i registered and made some not to nice comments to yousaveme I figured I'd tell you this post is mine.

My user name is because I will never forgive my best friend. Still not sure about my husband.

 

Some of these OW stories make me furious because these women knew what they were doing. Many of you say there was a problem with the marriage. NO that is not always the case. We really did have the perfect marriage. 18 years we still look great, take care of our bodies and ourselves and had dates and sex ALL THE TIME. We made time for ourselves. My bestfriend Knew how much my husband loves me. I even intercepteda text message from her telling him oh well i guess you're going to make love with your wife now.

 

I still don't know if the two of them had sex. They said no they wouldn't do that to me. I don't know what to believe but I do know the emotional relationship destroyed me. 3000 texts in one month and my husband telling her he loves her was enough for me.

 

Men can love their wives and families and still get close to another woman.

[Buttaflyy]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear this. I must say that I don't think I'd be able to be too forgiving in a situation like this either. I really don't know what to say, but I do wish you the best.

[noforgiveness]

the worst part is my husband doesn't really know why i'm so upset and can't figure out why i can't forgive her and we can go back to three happy bestfriends again.

 

They didn't do anything he says. He told her he loved her out of fear one night when she called him and said she took 2 xanax and was driinking a bottle of wine. it was panic to get her to pick up the phone. I don't want to be that naive to believe it. I do believe my husband loves me still. He wants his friend back though and that is the sticking point. There is no gray with me on this. DONE. Friendship over. Contact done. Too close for my comfort.

[tinktronik]

the worst part is my husband doesn't really know why i'm so upset and can't figure out why i can't forgive her and we can go back to three happy bestfriends again.

 

They didn't do anything he says. He told her he loved her out of fear one night when she called him and said she took 2 xanax and was driinking a bottle of wine. it was panic to get her to pick up the phone. I don't want to be that naive to believe it. I do believe my husband loves me still. He wants his friend back though and that is the sticking point. There is no gray with me on this. DONE. Friendship over. Contact done. Too close for my comfort.

I think your on the right track here .If the contact between them was sop innocent then why was it a secret? No excuse , forget ever being friends with her again . I'd get rid of the H too , hey , but thats just me.

[Buttaflyy]

the worst part is my husband doesn't really know why i'm so upset and can't figure out why i can't forgive her and we can go back to three happy bestfriends again.

 

They didn't do anything he says. He told her he loved her out of fear one night when she called him and said she took 2 xanax and was driinking a bottle of wine. it was panic to get her to pick up the phone. I don't want to be that naive to believe it. I do believe my husband loves me still. He wants his friend back though and that is the sticking point. There is no gray with me on this. DONE. Friendship over. Contact done. Too close for my comfort.

 

He will have to accept the fact that it will never be what it was, furthermore that you willnever be friends with her again. All I can say is that right now this all must move at your pace. Do what you are comfortable with.

 

Also, his loyalty is to you. He should be dedicated to mending your broken heart and he has to prove this to you through his actions.

[noforgiveness]

I think your on the right track here .If the contact between them was sop innocent then why was it a secret? No excuse , forget ever being friends with her again . I'd get rid of the H too , hey , but thats just me.

 

My husband and I have had 18 wonderful years together and two great kids. He's an awesome caring guy that got waaaaay to wrapped up in someone elses emotional rollercoaster.

 

He can't be more wonderful with me right now. I'm leaving next week for a vacation with friends while he has the kids. Part of my i'm pissed off and need time to mend.

 

We have a lot of work to do and i have a broken heart to try to get past.

[noforgiveness]

He will have to accept the fact that it will never be what it was, furthermore that you willnever be friends with her again. All I can say is that right now this all must move at your pace. Do what you are comfortable with.

 

Also, his loyalty is to you. He should be dedicated to mending your broken heart and he has to prove this to you through his actions.

 

Thank you. He knows this too and just isn't real happy with it. He thinks it left a huge whole in both our lives. He actually told me he missed me sounding all happy during he day going out to lunch and all. BULL i think he's just trying to get me to miss her. I miss her but will never ever forgive her. After all her pain i cried through with her she does this to me?

[Buttaflyy]

Thank you. He knows this too and just isn't real happy with it. He thinks it left a huge whole in both our lives. He actually told me he missed me sounding all happy during he day going out to lunch and all. BULL i think he's just trying to get me to miss her. I miss her but will never ever forgive her. After all her pain i cried through with her she does this to me?

 

Was their affair an emotional affair or more?

[noforgiveness]

Was their affair an emotional affair or more?

 

they say emotional only but that is enough for me. I think that hurts more. I don't know. I don't want to be naive and say they did not have sex though. It seems mainly texts and phone calls. I always know where he is but i can't say for sure....I have to work through those thoughts.

[Buttaflyy]

they say emotional only but that is enough for me. I think that hurts more. I don't know. I don't want to be naive and say they did not have sex though. It seems mainly texts and phone calls. I always know where he is but i can't say for sure....I have to work through those thoughts.

 

Oh absolutely! It's all one in the same.

[2sunny]

 

need time to mend.

 

We have a lot of work to do and i have a broken heart to try to get past.

 

Concentrate on these areas...

 

I, too, was married for 20 years when my husband cheated for the second time. We also had great sex every day and a wonderful life, 3 kids. He knew if he did it again it would be OVER! So, there really wasn't anything to talk through at that point. I wanted and needed to have MY self respect.

 

Our best friends have been my strongest support in the past year. I never would have consider betraying her and their marriage. She could have been leaning on YOU more than HIM (as a best friend often does) - if she intended to do the right thing.

 

This is not the actions of a best friend. Your husband may have gotten caught up with feeling important to her and needed. Do some counseling and see if you two can work through this pain.

 

I'm sorry that life is way for you... big hugs...

[Guest]

Quote: He tells me he needs his best friend back and i need to forgive.

 

 

 

That sentence jumped out at me. Intuition was trying to tell me something, is what I mean. Are you sure he has no contac with her at all? Is he still sneaking contac with her?

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I've gone thru betrayal with my own husband after being married for twenty years. This was just over a year ago. It's taken enourmous work, on both our parts, to make things right again. Good luck on your journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How cliche right? My husband is in love with my best friend. He says he's not, I think differently and am having a hard time getting past this. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

My story. We were two couples who were the closest of friends until my best friends husband just left her one day for a woman young enough to be his daughter. My friend was devastated. My husband and I were her closest support system and she was over all the time getting financial and divorce advice from my husband. I saw them getting close but we were friends forever and my husband loved me. After 18 years of marriage we still had sex daily and were as close as can be. What did I have to fear in my perfect marriage?

 

Then the phone call arrived from my best friends soon to be ex. Warning me to check my husbands phone records. That my best friend was texting my husband over 3,000 times in one month.

 

Asked my husband about it and he said he's not hiding anything and he's told me she texts him for support. I told them both that they needed to back off and she needed to find her support somewhere else.

 

Month later another phone call from bf's husband. He had dialed into her voice messages and there were numerous messages to her from my husband. One that i personally heard stating to her that he loved her more than anything in the world and to pick up the phone.

 

That day was all out war. End of my relationship with my best friend. Broke my heart. She was my gym partner, lunch buddy, shopping buddy and my best friend. My husband and kids were my life. My husband has been the perfect father. How do i break my childrens hearts by throwing their daddy out?

 

This was a few months ago.We're still together but im not happy and i don't think i ever will be again. I miss my best friend I miss the love and respect i had for my husband. I don't know if i will ever see him the same again.

 

He tells me he loves me. He tells me he never stopped loving me. He tells me they became close that she was his best friend and it wasn't about me or to hurt me.

He tells me he needs his best friend back and i need to forgive. That i can never do. Friends do not do this to one another especially after the heartbreak she went through with her husband leaving.

 

Can it ever be the same? Can you ever forgive? Can marriages repair themselves after something like this?

 

I am truly heartbroken. I am not the same loving trusting person I once was.

 

Women their are so many men out there. Please stay away from the married ones, especially your best friends husband. If it wasn't for my kids and what a great father he is I think i'd be gone right now because i just feel pain everytime i look at him. He took my best friend away and she took my husband, my life......

 

is there any hope???

[Ladyjane14]

EA or PA.... the relationship was inappropriate and a betrayal because it was carried on in secret. Most the experts recommend NO CONTACT EVER after an affair. You might try a copy of Surviving An Affair and/or Not Just Friends.

 

Your former "friend" should now be considered as a 'cancer on your marriage'. She needs to be excised from your life. So it's probably best for you to adopt a NO CONTACT policy of your own.

 

Your husband is fighting you on it because he's still responding to the addictive quality of the illicit relationship. He was getting some sort of 'pay-off' by engaging in the behavior. This can actually extend to physiological response.

At the absolute minimum though, he was getting a boost to his ego. He wants his fix.

 

Have him see his medical doctor for a depression screening instead. It's not uncommon for men to develop mild to moderate depression at the midlife. If you ask me, it's more than likely having to do with changes in their bodies. Seems like alot of guys suffer from a dearth of available serotonin at that age.

 

Marriage counseling would also be a good plan. You'll both do well to get some emotional support in dealing with the fallout, as well as in developing an understanding of why your husband was susceptible to this kind of inappropriate contact.

 

Meantime... don't lose any sleep over your former "friend". She wasn't the genuine article anyway. Real friends don't treat each other like that.

[Joelle]

OP,

 

I think you and your husband are good candidates for marriage counseling. Hopefully, that will help both of you to overcome this (if possible).

 

I truly regret what you've been through. How devastating.

 

Best wishes.

[noforgiveness]

Concentrate on these areas...

 

I, too, was married for 20 years when my husband cheated for the second time. We also had great sex every day and a wonderful life, 3 kids. He knew if he did it again it would be OVER! So, there really wasn't anything to talk through at that point. I wanted and needed to have MY self respect.

 

Our best friends have been my strongest support in the past year. I never would have consider betraying her and their marriage. She could have been leaning on YOU more than HIM (as a best friend often does) - if she intended to do the right thing.

 

This is not the actions of a best friend. Your husband may have gotten caught up with feeling important to her and needed. Do some counseling and see if you two can work through this pain.

 

I'm sorry that life is way for you... big hugs...

 

Thank you for the support. I realize she wasn't a friend now. Still doesn't help the hurt of it. I never knew she was such a needy person. I think that was the allure for my husband like you said to feel needed.

 

Our company is going great and basically runs itself. Kids are young teens and want to be with friends. I'm just a happy person and not real needy. I think he enjoyed helping and supporting someone and feeling important.

 

Now I am more needy. I hate that feeling but i think he is enjoying doting on me. He just called a few minutes ago and said he saw a new book by my favorite author and bought it for me and just wanted to tell me so i didn't buy it.

 

We've talked about councelling....not sure.

[Cheshire Cat]

Your former "friend" should now be considered as a 'cancer on your marriage'. She needs to be excised from your life. So it's probably best for you to adopt a NO CONTACT policy of your own.

 

I agree with this.

 

What the woman whom you regarded as your best friend (and certainly was not) would be unforgivable in my books.

Well, nor really.

Perhaps you *could* eventually forgive her - if she moved somewhere a few states away and cut *any* contact with your H.

 

I hope you can work things out with your H - possibly with the help of a counselor. But if he does not realize that your former "best friend" should stay away from your life - expecially from his!!! - it is quite pointless to put any effort on fixing your marriage.

[noforgiveness]

thank you ladyjane i will try that book.

 

She is def. gone and being treated like a cancer to me.

 

I've been friends with her hole family for a very long time. Her niece is my daughters best friend. Well her dad is dying and may die shortly. I hate to just think of myself but i'm really concerned of what to do if he does die. Her sister and i still talk and are close. I can't imagine ignoring the death of her dad just from not seeing her sister and her mom. I'm really torn up over this. My husband says we'll have to go and of course i think that's just because you want to see her.

 

Do I bite the bullet for her sister who is the mom of my dd's bestfriend or just don't go?

[noforgiveness]

OP,

 

I think you and your husband are good candidates for marriage counseling. Hopefully, that will help both of you to overcome this (if possible).

 

I truly regret what you've been through. How devastating.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thank you. That makes me feel hopeful since many on here probably know where there is hope.

[noforgiveness]

I agree with this.

 

What the woman whom you regarded as your best friend (and certainly was not) would be unforgivable in my books.

Well, nor really.

Perhaps you *could* eventually forgive her - if she moved somewhere a few states away and cut *any* contact with your H.

 

I hope you can work things out with your H - possibly with the help of a counselor. But if he does not realize that your former "best friend" should stay away from your life - expecially from his!!! - it is quite pointless to put any effort on fixing your marriage.

 

 

I know that. This has been our main problem. He says he misses her. That i miss her and was more fun with her in my life. Well of course i was more fun I wasn't going through the pain and anger I am now. He knows he can't talk to her. He knows if i find out they are still speaking he is gone no hesitation.

[Buttaflyy]

I know that. This has been our main problem. He says he misses her. That i miss her and was more fun with her in my life. Well of course i was more fun I wasn't going through the pain and anger I am now. He knows he can't talk to her. He knows if i find out they are still speaking he is gone no hesitation.

 

He says he misses her? Wow! I'd think he'd cringe at the mention of her name.

[norajane]

Go to marriage counseling. It can't hurt and might help - your husband obviously doesn't understand your feelings and what you're going through.

[Buttaflyy]

Go to marriage counseling. It can't hurt and might help - your husband obviously doesn't understand your feelings and what you're going through.

 

I agree. I've come to find that some people, men especially, don't really see the severity of harm in an emotional affair. Maybe he thinks that since it wasn't physical you are not as effected.

[2sunny]

Your demeanor and mindset remind me alot of my own.

 

I am a very strong woman and feel I can stand on my own.

 

Stay strong - keep your guard up - and keep moving in a positive direction... with and/or without him.

 

By the way - was the book he bought by Nicholas Sparks? Just wondering, I love his books - and he has a new one that came out yesterday... I think...

[noforgiveness]

He says he misses her? Wow! I'd think he'd cringe at the mention of her name.

 

 

Yep. Surprising isn't it? I just tore her out of our life because of a few phone calls and text messages.

 

I do think he is understanding now and really working hard. He's driving me nuts. He calls tooo much just to say hi.

 

Thanks norajane and sunny.

 

Sunny no it was a new stephen king novel and I thought oh great I have not liked him for YEARS and before I could say anything he said I know you haven't liked him for a while but i read the cover and it looked like his older style of work.