When the other woman was your best friend.

[whichwayisup]

But it is necessary. He needs, just as you do too, to find out WHY he allowed himself to get emotionally (too emotionally) involved with your bestfriend. You may love him alot, but your trust and faith isn't the same as it was. How can it be?

 

I think you need to make it clear that he must not contact her while you're away and that if he does, then there are more problems that need to be sorted out.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. You made the choice to cut her out of your life in an effort to save your marriage. He needs to do the same. Can't have his cake and eat it too. That's why they call these guys cake-men.

 

I found that counseling really helps both of us understand why the affair happened. If your H will go, make sure that both of you like the therapist. If you don't both feel comfortable and feel that you are equally being heard, find a new therapist. This is something you need to be in complete agreement with or it won't help your marriage.

 

By the way, if you find a place where we (the BW) can go to help each other without the drama of the OW, please let me know and I will do the same if I find one. I'm new and haven't shared my story yet because I'm not interested in the negativity of these bitter OW.

 

Post in the infidelity section.

 

I alerted the mods to this thread as I think noforgiveness' thread should be moved to that section. She posted in the wrong section, that's all.

[reneet]

about.com/divorcesupport

 

They also offer help for betrayed wives/husbands who are staying together & working on the marriage.

[Buttaflyy]

Post in the infidelity section.

 

I alerted the mods to this thread as I think noforgiveness' thread should be moved to that section. She posted in the wrong section, that's all.

 

 

Who's to say that you can't post about the OW in this forum? It is the topic isn't it?

[herenow]

Post in the infidelity section.

 

I alerted the mods to this thread as I think noforgiveness' thread should be moved to that section. She posted in the wrong section, that's all.

 

Thank you, I think she wanted to move this and didn't know how.

[whichwayisup]

Who's to say that you can't post about the OW in this forum? It is the topic isn't it?

 

Because she'll get more support that she needs in that section.

 

Most who start threads in this section are OW/OMm not betrayed spouses. That's all I meant.

[Buttaflyy]

Because she'll get more support that she needs in that section.

 

Most who start threads in this section are OW/OMm not betrayed spouses. That's all I meant.

 

Not saying you meant anything more. I was just asking.

[reneet]

Too much scrutinizing of the ow here instead of focusing on the issues in the marriage that caused the husband to go outside of the marriage.

And no, the other woman is NOT the reason.

[tinktronik]

Too much scrutinizing of the ow here instead of focusing on the issues in the marriage that caused the husband to go outside of the marriage.

And no, the other woman is NOT the reason.

For heavens sake reneet . Stop trying to remove yourself from all blame in any situation and instead blaming all on the H . It certainly does have to do with the H but if the OW werent willing to partake it wouldn't be an issue .It takes two to tango.

I think op that if you feel you are doing the right thing by yourself and your kids than most likely you are , hopefully your H will see the worth of his family and the ;life he has lived within that family and be aware and happy with what he does have in his life.

[whichwayisup]

And no, the other woman is NOT the reason.

 

Yeah, actually it is. Her bestfriend IS the OW! How can you say that?

 

It seems this affair was unintentional. Circumstances, a bestfriend who needed support and love from her closest friends. She (bestfriend) got TOO close to her bestfriends' husband...And he allowed it, and from there feelings grew. Now, not sure if it went physical or not, but the damage was done anyway. And it seems the bf isn't owning up to her part in this situation.

 

It is obvious that her bestfriend was (and still isn't) thinking clearly. How is it possible that the bf suffers the loss of her own marriage due to her husband cheating and then turns around and does the same thing to her own bestfriend? That just shows how messed up the bf is and how wrong she is too...

[reneet]

For heavens sake reneet . Stop trying to remove yourself from all blame in any situation and instead blaming all on the H . It certainly does have to do with the H but if the OW werent willing to partake it wouldn't be an issue .It takes two to tango.

I think op that if you feel you are doing the right thing by yourself and your kids than most likely you are , hopefully your H will see the worth of his family and the ;life he has lived within that family and be aware and happy with what he does have in his life.

 

 

I'm not removing my self here from anything. Actually, the "it takes 2 part"

should involve the husband & wife that are having the problem. No?

I did not tear him away from his stbx wife.

[herenow]

I'm not removing my self here from anything. Actually, the "it takes 2 part"

should involve the husband & wife that are having the problem. No?

I did not tear him away from his stbx wife.

 

Please explain this. I thought your MM left his wife for you. Now she is his stbx. Did he leave or not? Is he with you or not? Six years is a long time. How long has she been the stbx? I'm new here and I don't know.

[tinktronik]

I'm not removing my self here from anything. Actually, the "it takes 2 part"

should involve the husband & wife that are having the problem. No?

I did not tear him away from his stbx wife.

I hear a lot on here about the affair being partially the W fault b/c there were problems in her marriage . Something that she made no conscious act to do , was not involved in and did not have knowledge of cannot possibly be her fault .A W cant be responsible for her H ******* some chick who dosen't care if he's married or not in a sleasy hotel room while shes at work or carting kids to soccer.

 

Its convenient and incredibly selfish to go by the standard "Well, if she were taking care of her man." Again Reneet , were not talking about your situation here were talking about the situation of the person that began this post . If you want to discuss your situation go make a post and Ill be happy to post there.

[noforgiveness]

Yeah, actually it is. Her bestfriend IS the OW! How can you say that?

 

It seems this affair was unintentional. Circumstances, a bestfriend who needed support and love from her closest friends. She (bestfriend) got TOO close to her bestfriends' husband...And he allowed it, and from there feelings grew. Now, not sure if it went physical or not, but the damage was done anyway. And it seems the bf isn't owning up to her part in this situation.

 

It is obvious that her bestfriend was (and still isn't) thinking clearly. How is it possible that the bf suffers the loss of her own marriage due to her husband cheating and then turns around and does the same thing to her own bestfriend? That just shows how messed up the bf is and how wrong she is too...

 

I think that's what hurt the most. All the support, all the crying on my shoulder my friend did, all the making her get up and go to the gym with me, all the taking her to lunch so she would eat. She was a total wreck and he turned around and did it to me.

 

I know my husband is to blame and that's why i am here. Trying to understand more and actually since being on here I've thought more about him and his reasons and i do think he wasn't feeling needed. I got totally sucked in to her daily drama too. She would call every single morning early to cry the most recent drama. I actually think i got a little burnt out and was not supporting her the way she needed. i started getting critical of her not putting the kids first with her fights in front of soon to be ex, i got upset with her for telling her kids that daddy was out screwing a 23 year old money grubber whereas my husband offered her sympathy.

 

I HATE THIS. Absolutely hate this. I miss my life before this. before HER which actually stemmed from the other other woman who got her hands on my friends husband for money.

[reneet]

Please explain this. I thought your MM left his wife for you. Now she is his stbx. Did he leave or not? Is he with you or not? Six years is a long time. How long has she been the stbx? I'm new here and I don't know.

 

My SO did leave his stbxw. He didn't leave FOR me.

We have been living together for 5 years now & divorce papers have been filed. Waiting for the final settlement.

And also, the stbxw has been seeing someone for the last 4 years. What are your thoughts on that?

[tinktronik]

I think that's what hurt the most. All the support, all the crying on my shoulder my friend did, all the making her get up and go to the gym with me, all the taking her to lunch so she would eat. She was a total wreck and he turned around and did it to me.

 

I know my husband is to blame and that's why i am here. Trying to understand more and actually since being on here I've thought more about him and his reasons and i do think he wasn't feeling needed. I got totally sucked in to her daily drama too. She would call every single morning early to cry the most recent drama. I actually think i got a little burnt out and was not supporting her the way she needed. i started getting critical of her not putting the kids first with her fights in front of soon to be ex, i got upset with her for telling her kids that daddy was out screwing a 23 year old money grubber whereas my husband offered her sympathy.

 

I HATE THIS. Absolutely hate this. I miss my life before this. before HER which actually stemmed from the other other woman who got her hands on my friends husband for money.

I don't think theres anything wrong to be critacal of a friend who can't see past her own pain to that of her children . It really sucks and must hurt terribly to be stabbed in the back by two of the most important people in your lives . Im sorry you are going through this.

[herenow]

I think that's what hurt the most. All the support, all the crying on my shoulder my friend did, all the making her get up and go to the gym with me, all the taking her to lunch so she would eat. She was a total wreck and he turned around and did it to me.

 

I know my husband is to blame and that's why i am here. Trying to understand more and actually since being on here I've thought more about him and his reasons and i do think he wasn't feeling needed. I got totally sucked in to her daily drama too. She would call every single morning early to cry the most recent drama. I actually think i got a little burnt out and was not supporting her the way she needed. i started getting critical of her not putting the kids first with her fights in front of soon to be ex, i got upset with her for telling her kids that daddy was out screwing a 23 year old money grubber whereas my husband offered her sympathy.

 

I HATE THIS. Absolutely hate this. I miss my life before this. before HER which actually stemmed from the other other woman who got her hands on my friends husband for money.

 

The more I read your situation, the more familiar it sounds. Some OW are very needy (no shortage of them on this board), and some MM like to come to their rescue. I know that my H is like that. He likes to take care of people. He feels needed when someone comes to him for help.

 

Your bf found her knight in shining armor in your H and he liked how that stroked his ego. Before you know it, they were feeding each others needs. Once he understands this, he will understand why he needs to break the relationship. It has become and addiction to him and he is going through withdrawals. Being a woman with good self esteem, I don't act needy, but I found out through counseling that my H was missing the need to take care of someone. We have since found other ways to fill that need. Time will tell if we can work it out, but we are trying.

[noforgiveness]

thank you tink.

 

reneet isn't 4 years an awfully long time for him to still be married and living with you?

 

Hey I just thought of something. You are his home now. He is living with you. Maybe just maybe the other woman now is not you maybe it is his wife. Has he been coming home late? Distant? Wow would that be karma.

[Buttaflyy]

I think that's what hurt the most. All the support, all the crying on my shoulder my friend did, all the making her get up and go to the gym with me, all the taking her to lunch so she would eat. She was a total wreck and he turned around and did it to me.

 

I know my husband is to blame and that's why i am here. Trying to understand more and actually since being on here I've thought more about him and his reasons and i do think he wasn't feeling needed. I got totally sucked in to her daily drama too. She would call every single morning early to cry the most recent drama. I actually think i got a little burnt out and was not supporting her the way she needed. i started getting critical of her not putting the kids first with her fights in front of soon to be ex, i got upset with her for telling her kids that daddy was out screwing a 23 year old money grubber whereas my husband offered her sympathy.

 

I HATE THIS. Absolutely hate this. I miss my life before this. before HER which actually stemmed from the other other woman who got her hands on my friends husband for money.

 

I also understand being burnt out and critical. Don't think for a min. that any of this happened because you weren't there for her. Sometimes, it comes to a point when we have to take care of our own lives and such. She handled things (with the kids) in a pretty immature way, but your xfriend sounds pretty weak. You will pick up these pieces, you seem to be a very strong and loving woman. I don't know much about your H, but he too sounds like a compassionate person. He was wrong for his part in this of course, but I've acknowledged that because I think that if he puts all of that passion into saving your marriage you two will get it together. It won't be easy though. And it's been said many times, but he'll have to cut all contact with her as a first step (not saying he hasn't). You both should really consider counseling.

[noforgiveness]

The more I read your situation, the more familiar it sounds. Some OW are very needy (no shortage of them on this board), and some MM like to come to their rescue. I know that my H is like that. He likes to take care of people. He feels needed when someone comes to him for help.

 

Your bf found her knight in shining armor in your H and he liked how that stroked his ego. Before you know it, they were feeding each others needs. Once he understands this, he will understand why he needs to break the relationship. It has become and addiction to him and he is going through withdrawals. Being a woman with good self esteem, I don't act needy, but I found out through counseling that my H was missing the need to take care of someone. We have since found other ways to fill that need. Time will tell if we can work it out, but we are trying.

 

 

Thank you. I think that about spells it out. He does know he can't talk to her he just doesn't like it. He is starting to understand why.

 

Will you post your story or have you?

[noforgiveness]

I also understand being burnt out and critical. Don't think for a min. that any of this happened because you weren't there for her. Sometimes, it comes to a point when we have to take care of our own lives and such. She handled things (with the kids) in a pretty immature way, but your xfriend sounds pretty weak. You will pick up these pieces, you seem to be a very strong and loving woman. I don't know much about your H, but he too sounds like a compassionate person. He was wrong for his part in this of course, but I've acknowledged that because I think that if he puts all of that passion into saving your marriage you two will get it together. It won't be easy though. And it's been said many times, but he'll have to cut all contact with her as a first step (not saying he hasn't). You both should really consider counseling.

 

Thank you. That really helps.

[reneet]

thank you tink.

 

reneet isn't 4 years an awfully long time for him to still be married and living with you?

 

Hey I just thought of something. You are his home now. He is living with you. Maybe just maybe the other woman now is not you maybe it is his wife. Has he been coming home late? Distant? Wow would that be karma.

 

Not that long at all. Yes, he is home with me & no his wife is not in the picture in any way shape or form. They speak about the kids & that's all. She is involved with someone.

And he doesn't come home late either. No distance between us. (Keep on with your wishful thinking though) Karma? Yeh, OK.

[Buttaflyy]

Not that long at all. Yes, he is home with me & no his wife is not in the picture in any way shape or form. They speak about the kids & that's all. She is involved with someone.

And he doesn't come home late either. No distance between us. (Keep on with your wishful thinking though) Karma? Yeh, OK.

 

And you're still unhappy? I thought what you wanted was the man. Why are you so bitter then? I don't even see where it was implied here that you were to blame. Why are you so persistent in a BSvOW thread? It's like your stuck in some sort of limbo with yourself. Does your anger stem from you being the BS or the OW? Was that the reason for your divorce that you've mentioned?

[tinktronik]

And you're still unhappy? I thought what you wanted was the man. Why are you so bitter then? I don't even see where it was implied here that you were to blame. Why are you so persistent in a BSvOW thread? It's like your stuck in some sort of limbo with yourself. Does your anger stem from you being the BS or the OW? Was that the reason for your divorce that you've mentioned?

Interesting thoughts there Buttaflyy.

[Buttaflyy]

Interesting thoughts there Buttaflyy.

 

I'm just trying to get some understanding here, because all of this talk is coming from left field. I think Reneet might benefit from her own thread about this as she's got a lot to say about her situation. It might be helpful to her if she wasn't gonna be so adament about defending adultery. That seems to be her only point.