When the other woman was your best friend.

[herenow]

My SO did leave his stbxw. He didn't leave FOR me.

We have been living together for 5 years now & divorce papers have been filed. Waiting for the final settlement.

And also, the stbxw has been seeing someone for the last 4 years. What are your thoughts on that?

 

I think, good for her. At least she waited until he had left to be with you before she started acting single.

 

You seem so angry at the BW. Why is that? You should be happy and instead you are chasing around BW on this board to make a point that none of us understand.

[tinktronik]

I'm just trying to get some understanding here, because all of this talk is coming from left field. I think Reneet might benefit from her own thread about this as she's got a lot to say about her situation. It might be helpful to her if she wasn't gonna be so adament about defending adultery. That seems to be her only point.

I agree completely, she's not discussing the post here but her own situation and trying to defend it when no one is here to discuss it at all.Her own post would be a good idea.

[whichwayisup]

I think that's what hurt the most. All the support, all the crying on my shoulder my friend did, all the making her get up and go to the gym with me, all the taking her to lunch so she would eat. She was a total wreck and he turned around and did it to me.

 

I know my husband is to blame and that's why i am here. Trying to understand more and actually since being on here I've thought more about him and his reasons and i do think he wasn't feeling needed. I got totally sucked in to her daily drama too. She would call every single morning early to cry the most recent drama. I actually think i got a little burnt out and was not supporting her the way she needed. i started getting critical of her not putting the kids first with her fights in front of soon to be ex, i got upset with her for telling her kids that daddy was out screwing a 23 year old money grubber whereas my husband offered her sympathy.

 

I HATE THIS. Absolutely hate this. I miss my life before this. before HER which actually stemmed from the other other woman who got her hands on my friends husband for money.

 

She over stepped the boundries completley in so many ways. Friends, even bestfriends, can only do so much. You two got too involved in her life, she she got needy and leaned on you both more than she should have. With or without the bust up of her marriage - She should have seeked therapy to help her cope better instead of relying on you and your husband so much. I'm sure it was draining!

 

Anyway, please consider marriage counselling, even if your husband isn't willing to go now, you may want to go for yourself just so you can deal with the resentment and hurt feelings.

[herenow]

Thank you. I think that about spells it out. He does know he can't talk to her he just doesn't like it. He is starting to understand why.

 

Will you post your story or have you?

 

I will post on the infidelity board when I get a chance.

 

Just a note: I didn't realized how defensive OW get until I came here. If it isn't about them, they do everything they can to make it about them. Just proves how selfish they are in all aspects of life.

 

I hope that in spite of all the OW drama, you have gotten some good and useful advise here. I wish you luck and happiness.

[reneet]

I will post on the infidelity board when I get a chance.

 

Just a note: I didn't realized how defensive OW get until I came here. If it isn't about them, they do everything they can to make it about them. Just proves how selfish they are in all aspects of life.

 

I hope that in spite of all the OW drama, you have gotten some good and useful advise here. I wish you luck and happiness.

 

Again, I beg to differ. YOU & all the other betrayed spouses here are making it to be all about the other women.

 

So, Thank You!!

[yousaveme]

Yeah, actually it is. Her bestfriend IS the OW! How can you say that?

 

It seems this affair was unintentional. Circumstances, a bestfriend who needed support and love from her closest friends. She (bestfriend) got TOO close to her bestfriends' husband...And he allowed it, and from there feelings grew. Now, not sure if it went physical or not, but the damage was done anyway. And it seems the bf isn't owning up to her part in this situation.

 

It is obvious that her bestfriend was (and still isn't) thinking clearly. How is it possible that the bf suffers the loss of her own marriage due to her husband cheating and then turns around and does the same thing to her own bestfriend? That just shows how messed up the bf is and how wrong she is too...

 

 

The key here HE allowed it, He wanted it..Its already been said by the poster that HE misses the other person. Something is wrong here. The BF was wrong thats a given. True friends do not do that no matter what. But there is more to HIS story for allowing it. And feeling the way he does. You have to see that.

[tinktronik]

Again, I beg to differ. YOU & all the other betrayed spouses here are making it to be all about the other women.

 

So, Thank You!!

Why can you not see this? This is NOT your post , but you insist on telling your own story here ...even though it's not your post. When I said that it takes two to tango and that you made it all about the H and W ommiting yourself as the OW having any affect to the situation, you said you did not but that the two that tangod was the H and W therefore making my point that you insist OW are not causing any problems and thus are blameless pointing the finger at something besides yourself. By insisting on continuing on with your own agenda here you are attempting on making this thread that has nothing to do with you ...well... ALL ABOUT YOU! Can we please carry on without you inserting your own agenda here , please?

[reneet]

The key here HE allowed it, He wanted it..Its already been said by the poster that HE misses the other person. Something is wrong here. The BF was wrong thats a given. True friends do not do that no matter what. But there is more to HIS story for allowing it. And feeling the way he does. You have to see that.

 

Right. The husband should've backed off, informed the wife & the marriage wouldn't have suffered the way it did.

[whichwayisup]

The key here HE allowed it, He wanted it..Its already been said by the poster that HE misses the other person. Something is wrong here. The BF was wrong thats a given. True friends do not do that no matter what. But there is more to HIS story for allowing it. And feeling the way he does. You have to see that.

 

I already said that in another reply on this thread. That he allowed to happen as well. You must have missed that part.

 

This is why they need marriage counselling, to understand why he allowed himself to fall for another woman, get too close and let it escalate into something more. Until that happens, their marriage can't really be fixed. And, together they need to really communicate their needs and be open about everything so this type of situation never happens again.

[herenow]

Right. The husband should've backed off, informed the wife & the marriage wouldn't have suffered the way it did.

 

If you could actually look beyond yourself for one second you would see that no one is saying that it's just the bf (OW) fault, not even the original poster said that. As an OW, you want to be a victim here and it's doesn't have anything to do with you.

 

We have suggested counseling for both of them so that they can figure out why this happened in the first place.

 

You just see what you want to see to fill you own need to be noticed. I'm starting to think that you are self loathing and you want to be bash. Why else would you come here and post in the first place. You obviously have a lot of guilt over the pain you have cause and you want us to tell you how bad you are. Sort of self punishment. Your welcome for the bashing, I hope it has helped you.

[yousaveme]

I already said that in another reply on this thread. That he allowed to happen as well. You must have missed that part.

 

This is why they need marriage counselling, to understand why he allowed himself to fall for another woman, get too close and let it escalate into something more. Until that happens, their marriage can't really be fixed. And, together they need to really communicate their needs and be open about everything so this type of situation never happens again.

 

no i didnt see that part. Sorry...

 

I was wondering what is the time frame of all of this..How long was the A, how long has it been since NC with the BF and the H..Are we sure that has stopped.

[reneet]

If you could actually look beyond yourself for one second you would see that no one is saying that it's just the bf (OW) fault, not even the original poster said that. As an OW, you want to be a victim here and it's doesn't have anything to do with you.

 

We have suggested counseling for both of them so that they can figure out why this happened in the first place.

 

You just see what you want to see to fill you own need to be noticed. I'm starting to think that you are self loathing and you want to be bash. Why else would you come here and post in the first place. You obviously have a lot of guilt over the pain you have cause and you want us to tell you how bad you are. Sort of self punishment. Your welcome for the bashing, I hope it has helped you.

 

You are a waste of my breath here. Think what you will.

But let me inform you: there's no guilt whatsoever on my part. Self-punishment? No! (But you can think you are right if it makes you feel like the better person)

[reneet]

no i didnt see that part. Sorry...

 

I was wondering what is the time frame of all of this..How long was the A, how long has it been since NC with the BF and the H..Are we sure that has stopped.

 

Just like our SO's stbxw's thought it was over? Hmmmm.

[herenow]

You are a waste of my breath here. Think what you will.

But let me inform you: there's no guilt whatsoever on my part. Self-punishment? No! (But you can think you are right if it makes you feel like the better person)

 

Finally some understanding? Yes, you are wasting your breath here. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you finally get it!

[whichwayisup]

no i didnt see that part. Sorry...

 

I was wondering what is the time frame of all of this..How long was the A, how long has it been since NC with the BF and the H..Are we sure that has stopped.

 

That's okay.

 

I just hope when she's away on that work trip he doesn't try to contact the ex-bf.

 

She did mention he's starting to understand the consquences of what he did so hopefully he won't ruin things and do something stupid by contacting the exbf.

[reneet]

Finally some understanding? Yes, you are wasting your breath here. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you finally get it!

 

Here's a quarter...I'm sure you know the rest. LMAO

[blind_otter]

Why can you not see this? This is NOT your post , but you insist on telling your own story here ...even though it's not your post. When I said that it takes two to tango and that you made it all about the H and W ommiting yourself as the OW having any affect to the situation, you said you did not but that the two that tangod was the H and W therefore making my point that you insist OW are not causing any problems and thus are blameless pointing the finger at something besides yourself. By insisting on continuing on with your own agenda here you are attempting on making this thread that has nothing to do with you ...well... ALL ABOUT YOU! Can we please carry on without you inserting your own agenda here , please?

 

she can't see this because she is one of those people that puts anyone who hurts her feelings on IGNORE, my petal. Didn't you notice that?

 

I think it's a good rule to say, don't **** where you eat. If you're friends with someone STFU and keep your pants zipped. Period end of sentence.

 

To defend any stance other than that -- to claim ivory tower LOVE CONQUERS ALL -- is just so lame it makes me vomit in my mouth. Respect yourself. And how can you respect yourself when you betray the trust of those who love and support you? Namely your friends?

 

That is a betrayal most women never recover from. And it's very selfish to think otherwise.

[herenow]

Here's a quarter...I'm sure you know the rest. LMAO

 

Oh my dear reneet, did I hit a nerve?

[yousaveme]

That's okay.

 

I just hope when she's away on that work trip he doesn't try to contact the ex-bf.

 

She did mention he's starting to understand the consquences of what he did so hopefully he won't ruin things and do something stupid by contacting the exbf.

 

 

This is the thing...when he mentioned missing the other person. Of course he will try and get ahold of the bf...His wife isnt there to watch his every move, i really wonder if he has stayed in contact with her now. If he misses the bf he could be. Maybe thats why the BF doesnt want to talk to them together.

[reneet]

This is the thing...when he mentioned missing the other person. Of course he will try and get ahold of the bf...His wife isnt there to watch his every move, i really wonder if he has stayed in contact with her now. If he misses the bf he could be. Maybe thats why the BF doesnt want to talk to them together.

 

Do you really believe that the wife will go away w/o her husband?

She'll be adding to the temptation her husband still has for the best friend.

[whichwayisup]

Dont' assume he will. Maybe he won't.

Just because he misses the bf, doesn't mean he is going to call her or even see her as soon as his wife goes away. Sooner or later she (his wife) has to give him abit of rope, enough to trust that he can DO the right thing...And, if he hangs himself and proves that he isn't trustworthy or can stay faithful, then they do need to figure out if the marriage is worth saving.

 

If he DOES contact the exbestfriend, he's an idiot and acting selfish.

[reneet]

Dont' assume he will. Maybe he won't.

Just because he misses the bf, doesn't mean he is going to call her or even see her as soon as his wife goes away. Sooner or later she (his wife) has to give him abit of rope, enough to trust that he can DO the right thing...And, if he hangs himself and proves that he isn't trustworthy or can stay faithful, then they do need to figure out if the marriage is worth saving.

 

If he DOES contact the exbestfriend, he's an idiot and acting selfish.

 

Do you think it's a better idea for the H & W to go away together? To be away from any temptation.

[yousaveme]

Dont' assume he will. Maybe he won't.

Just because he misses the bf, doesn't mean he is going to call her or even see her as soon as his wife goes away. Sooner or later she (his wife) has to give him abit of rope, enough to trust that he can DO the right thing...And, if he hangs himself and proves that he isn't trustworthy or can stay faithful, then they do need to figure out if the marriage is worth saving.

 

If he DOES contact the exbestfriend, he's an idiot and acting selfish.

 

 

Your right i cant assume he will. Maybe he wont. But that would concern me if someone said they missed the other person. I dont think its something that someone who wants to fix their marriage would say. They would support her in not wanting the BF around. He didnt do that. Makes me wonder if he isnt somehow still talking to the BF and trying to get her back in the picture. Making it easier for him . Thats all im saying

[herenow]

noforgiveness, I re-read your posts and it seems like he is willing to go to a counselor. You said that you are waiting. Now might be a good time.

 

You are getting ready to go away and it doesn't sound like any boundaries have been set. You either need-to set those boundaries yourself or, for a better result, get to therapy ASAP. You wouldn't leave an alcoholic alone in a room with a bottle of vodka would you? You need to deal with this before you go away.

[yousaveme]

noforgiveness, I re-read your posts and it seems like he is willing to go to a counselor. You said that you are waiting. Now might be a good time.

 

You are getting ready to go away and it doesn't sound like any boundaries have been set. You either need-to set those boundaries yourself or, for a better result, get to therapy ASAP. You wouldn't leave an alcoholic alone in a room with a bottle of vodka would you? You need to deal with this before you go away.

 

 

I have to say i agree with that.