Points of View

[Cinnesyn]

My SO & I were playing a game on Pogo last night. A woman entered the room and said hi to him and asked him how he was doing. She was on his friends list until I had a fit and told him an engaged man does not have an all female friends list of at least 10 women (NO MEN AT ALL). He deleted all of his friends except me. Prior to my fit, he had closed a chat window when I went over to him and the computer and then said he closed the window to avoid a fight because I'm too jealous and insecure. Uh huh... then why close the window, why not let me see what's going on?

 

So... we're playing the game last night, and he yells across the house "Have you met so&so yet?" I told him he had introduced me to her the last time she popped into a game room we were in. So what does he do? He "introduces" me again. Why introduce me again? I don't get it.

 

Well, this makes me think he was warning her not to say anything that would get him in trouble. What do you guys think?

 

So I yelled across the house asking him if he was worried she'd say something to get him in trouble. He got mad and signed off of Pogo and went to bed. She left shortly after he did, didn't even say hi after he "introduced" me. Now I'm really curious what's going on here.

 

So, do you guys think I'm overreacting?

[InLimbo2]

She was on his friends list until I had a fit and told him an engaged man does not have an all female friends list of at least 10 women (NO MEN AT ALL). He deleted all of his friends except me

 

You overreacted way back at this point. Sheesh - not even married and you already have him on that short a leash? I know plenty of men that get along great with women, have friendships with them, don't cheat. Unless he's given you real reason in the past to distrust him - ie cheated - yes, you are way too jealous.

[typical]

This:

I told him he had introduced me to her the last time she popped into a game room we were in.

Coupled with this:

He "introduces" me again

 

Raises my suspicions about 10 degrees....

 

also this:

She left shortly after he did, didn't even say hi after he "introduced" me.

Of course not. It wasnt meant for an introduction. It was meant as a warning. She knows that, he knows that, I know that, and you know that too.

 

I don't get it.

 

I do, and I think that you do too, read on:

Well, this makes me think he was warning her not to say anything that would get him in trouble.

and:

So I yelled across the house asking him if he was worried she'd say something to get him in trouble.

 

 

What do you guys think?

I think your hunches are bang on.

 

So, do you guys think I'm overreacting?

 

Yes, I do.

Look, It is obvious he is going to great lengths to keep this girl as a friend, and hiding her in the process. But you must understand this one important gem of information:

 

PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

 

Decide for yourself if this girl is really a threat. Does she live close by? Does he talk to her outside of the game chat room? Even if she is a threat, you reacting like this, throwing tantrums, is just going to push him even further away, and make him want to hide his activities with her or others all the more.

 

Right now, its just a game chat room. If you continue to restrict and limit who he can and cannot chat with, how do you think he is going to fufill chatting with her??? It might move on to phone calls, emails, and finally secret meetings.

 

My advice? Take a step back. Waaaayyy back. Observe, but say nothing. Can you do that? When it finally crosses the line, then do something. Until then, dont waste your energy. Guys are notorious for zooming in on the one thing that makes us uncomfortable and then doing that exact thing.

 

Uh-Oh...This:

and then said he closed the window to avoid a fight because I'm too jealous and insecure

Spells problems for the future. He knows you already, and you need to change your MO and quick if you still want to marry this man. I can assure you, that if you keep on the same jealous, tantrum wrought self destructive path, he will start hiding EVERYTHING from you, and it will drive you BATTY.... which will lead to more tantrums and restrictions which will eventually lead to the demise of your relationship.

 

You just never know which guy will be the guy to think:

"Feck. She thinks I am cheating and I am not. Maybe I SHOULD cheat if I am gonna be accused of it"

 

If he has cheated on you in the past, I would get rid of him. Things like this, with a girl so jealous never work out well, and before too long you will end up a nervous emotional wreck.

[Craig]

She was on his friends list until I had a fit and told him an engaged man does not have an all female friends list of at least 10 women (NO MEN AT ALL). He deleted all of his friends except me.

Are you in the habit of getting your way by throwing fits and telling your SO how things are to be?

 

Prior to my fit, he had closed a chat window when I went over to him and the computer and then said he closed the window to avoid a fight because I'm too jealous and insecure. Uh huh... then why close the window, why not let me see what's going on?

Because you are insecure and jealous and you throw fits and demand he delete people from his life online and probably in real life too.

 

So... we're playing the game last night, and he yells across the house "Have you met so&so yet?" I told him he had introduced me to her the last time she popped into a game room we were in. So what does he do? He "introduces" me again. Why introduce me again? I don't get it.

He's being extra careful to introduce you to people, I'd guess because you may have made such a scene about this before.

 

Well, this makes me think he was warning her not to say anything that would get him in trouble. What do you guys think?

I think he was trying to cover his ass by making sure that he introduced you so you couldn't say that he didn't introduce you.

 

So I yelled across the house asking him if he was worried she'd say something to get him in trouble. He got mad and signed off of Pogo and went to bed. She left shortly after he did, didn't even say hi after he "introduced" me. Now I'm really curious what's going on here.

Too much drama for any relationship to last. Your insecurity and jealousy is going to kill, over time, any feelings he has for you. She probably signed off because she didn't want to be in the same 'room' with a jealous SO.

 

So, do you guys think I'm overreacting?

Yes, I do but you will see it differently because that is the way you are wired.

 

If he hasn't cheated on you in the past then it is you not him that has the primary problem. His problem, if he hasn't cheated in the past, is his hanging on to this relationship too long because he fell in love with the person you showed him when you first met.

 

Now that your 'real' self is coming out he's experiencing frustration, self doubt and hope that the woman he fell in love with will come back. But it won't happen unless you do some serious work on your issues and even then I think the outlook for this relationship or any other relationship is not good unless you are constantly on guard against acting on your impulse to shoot first and ask questions later.

 

Of course I could be wrong, this is just my POV.