Not Sure If I Can Trust Him

[Guest]

I've been dating my bf for nearly 7 mos. now. We met on an online dating site and have had a very intense physical and intellectual connection from the beginning. We are both writers-we both play the drums-we're both smart. We have a great time together. He is very handsome--I'm not so bad myself, but I'm no porn star or model--plus, I'm 39--getting up there in age, even though I don't look it.

 

When we 1st started seeing each other, he did and said things that made me feel insecure. For ex., he was used to dating women with big breasts-mine are small. He would often comment on that, and even at one point tried to get me to consider implants (he doesn't do this anymore.) It took him a while to stop seeing other women he was meeting on the online dating service and grow closer and more committed to me.

 

Anyway, he hangs out at this internet cafe, and he started telling me about this gorgeous girl who was also a regular there. He mentioned how she has big breasts, looks like a porn star, all the guys go nuts for her, etc.

 

Then, later, (and after we'd been going out a couple of months) he told me he got up the nerve to approach her. I was very puzzled he would tell me all this. He talked to me like I was a guy friend! I just chalked it up to the fact that he had never really had a healthy relationship before (that's what he told me, anyway) and maybe he didn't quite understand that wasn't appropriate.

 

Maybe a week or so after that, he told me he had emailed her and she hadn't replied, and he was disappointed. I felt very hurt and immediately got ticked off-he couldn't understand why! The man is very smart but he is definitely clueless about how to treat a woman sometimes. I came very close to breaking up with him, and I think he could tell. I told him "I don't want to invest time and energy in a relationship with someone who's clearly obsessed with someone else." He said he wasn't obsessed with her--that he wanted to be with me. He just needed to "personify" her, so she wouldn't be this fantasy person, whatever that means. He made the point that why would he be telling me all this stuff if he wanted her over me?

 

So he and she emailed each other for a while--I would sometimes get irritated by it, and he would say "it's not romantic--you can read the emails if you want." I decided not to. Around July 4th, she went out of town, and the email correspondence dropped off. I don't think he saw her at the cafe during that time, either.

 

Meanwhile, he and I got closer, even discussing marriage. We were (and are) practically living together.

 

The weekend of Sept. 15th, he went away on a business trip. He told me I could use his computer. I did, and I couldn't resist--the thing with this girl from the cafe had always bugged me. I noticed she was in his chat list, and I checked for his recent chats with her. As of Aug. 26, he had approached her to chat, and they had about a 20- minute chat that was very flirtatious on his part. He kept referring to her beauty and her "brains", obviously kissing up to her. She had to go after a while, and he said, maybe we can chat again. Will I run into you this week? She said, maybe...anyway, she didn't seem that interested in him, but he definitely seemed to be in her.

 

I was upset, crying and considering breaking up with him the whole weekend. When he got back, we argued and argued, and he got mad at me for invading his privacy. I don't blame him for that, but he WAS chatting with her behind my back, and where did he think all that flirting was going to lead to?

 

He claims he has never cheated on me, so what's the big deal? He says he doesn't cheat and can be trusted, that he's been a good boy.

 

We are now back together, but I still feel raw over the whole incident with this girl. Now my bf gives me a hard time about my jealousy, as if that's the main problem. I keep trying to point out to him his role in it, but I don't think he sees it.

 

I went to a therapist, and he said the crux of the matter is--do you trust him? If so, drop it and move on. If not, don't be with him. That's what I'm trying to decide. I think he does love me, but he'll still talk about other women sometimes, or make jokes about them that make me uncomfortable.

[nicki]

The crux of the issue is that this guy is looking for an affair. And you know it.

 

A guy in a relationship does not approach other women like he did. They do not have to "personify" anyone. That is the worst excuse I've ever heard. He is obviously attracted to her and telling you this, and flirting with her.

 

What do you think he would do if she came on to him? Would he go for it?

 

There's your answer.

[nicki]

Oh, and tell him that your last boyfriend had a huge dick. Ask him if he wouldn't mind looking into some enhancement drugs or pumps. :laugh:

 

I have little boobs, too. I've never had a guy tell me to get implants. I'd tell him to get a brain implant. Then I'd leave his ass.

 

In fact, my boyfriends have all loved my body, as is. Your guy sounds like a jerk, especially how he compares you to other women.

 

He should also love you as is. Don't have sex with him until you feel the love. In fact, just leave him. He's not worthy of you.