and its official...im depressed

[rosybifocals]

so im seeing a therapist, and it has been two sessions.

i surprisingly did not cry during the first.

i was hysterical today.

basically, i know i love my boyfriend and i want him to express that to me.

is it weird for your boyfriend not to kiss (not peck, but KISS) you in public...or in even in private after dating for 2 1/2 years. i enjoy making out, and he does not seem to want to do it at all. the only time he ever does that is during sex. i have expressed this to him, and he always comes up with an excuse like, "im self conscious of my breath" what kind of bs excuse is that after 2 1/2 years i could care less about that...i told him i dont believe it, but whatever, it makes me feel pathetic to beg my boyfriend to kiss me.

basically my therapist acknowledges that i am pretty depressed and it is being caused by this cycle im stuck in with my boyfriend. i am insecure because of trust issues that we have had in the past (justified), he is extremely overwhelmed by our relationship (because of his extreme anxiety problems), this then leads him to withdraw...and then i pursue him more, causing him to withdraw etc... it does not stop.

so i have been giving him space. ignoring the little things, that DO still bother me, but I do not flip out about them. i let him live his life, im still his girlfriend and i still expect things from him, but I AM TRYING SO HARD not to be as dependent on him as i was. its slow, but i am making progress. i am still completely overwhelmed by this relationship and it leads me to go into spells of depresison whenever something happens between us. I know I am insecure. 100%. he knows i am insecure.

he knows what he needs to do to make me feel like i am actually in a relationship, but he does not do it. he does not hold my hand, or touch me, or kiss me, or say nice things to me..i am the first to call (which i am trying not too)...he doesnt say i love you for no reason...i DO NOT EXPECT THESE THINGS ALL THE TIME, its just that it never happens AT ALL. i HATE asking for these things. i feel that they should just be understood. he used to express them, and now, its gone. i know he has issues that he is going through, i just want to feel like he is my boyfriend.i feel like i am being dismissed when i am with him, like it would not matter if i were there or not...he acts completely different around his friends, which he justifies by saying that he puts a facade up around them to prevent them from questioning him about whats wrong. i am there for him for whatever he needs...i am exremely thoughtful and caring, i would do anything for him. i dont know how to control my depression when i see him doing something...it takes me a while to stop and think about his point of view and then justify everything, but at the same time...i just want to feel like i am in a relationship. i am so lonely, i miss my best friend...he isnt the same anymore...i love him to death, but i hate having to justify that he loves me too...i want to see and feel that. =(

 

well, the therapist agrees that i am depressed and i need to focus more on myself. its just really hard to concentrate on that and i am completely distracted by this relationship and i cant concentrate on anything at all.

=( i feel so down about everything...i just dont feel like i can get out of this.

i dont know why im here, i guess i just need some words of encouragement...or if any of you have gone through depression, how you got out of it? i just want to feel like i mean something...i hate that i hold his opinion of me so highly...but i do want to mean something to him, and i want to feel that as well and not have to convince myself that it is true...its just too hard.

[the_alchemyst]

I was born depressed. No joke.

 

But from the sound of it, it may just be that your boyfriend himself is depressed, as well. Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand, after all. Have you guys talked about this?

 

Also, I think you are right in that things such as those--holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc--aren't things that you should ask for because, imo, if you do, then it just sort of defeats the purpose.

 

You want him to do these things because it comes from within him to do so, and not because you are telling him too.

 

But therein may be the problem: maybe he just doesn't want to.

 

You should consider asking him as well as yourself why.

[rosybifocals]

No, I don't think he is depressed. He definitely has severe anxiety, which he goes to a therapist for. He is also taking the medications klonopin and paxil, paxil is an antidepressant but he is using it only for anxiety.

 

I absolutely HATE having to ask him to kiss me, and sometimes he comes up with an excuse to not do it. I do not mean make out for hours and hours, just something more than a peck...something with a little bit more passion. He is soooooo enthusiastic with his friends, it's like he is another person. He smiles more, jokes more, talks more...just becomes very much like the guy I fell for. Then if he is alone with me...it's like there is a damper on everything, which is probably because Im depressed....but that is something I cannot control. I am working so hard to keep my spirits up and just be happy when I am around him so that he does not relate me to making him feel worse. I know I should not be concentrating on him though at the same time. I feel that all my actions are for him and not myself. He is my motivation and that in itself is sad. I am completely attatched to him.

 

I really hope that he does want to do those things (kiss me, hug me etc).

Randomly he will hold my hand, but that is only if I am being distant. I cannot be my happy self and get a happy response, I feel I have to alter my behavior and be more distant with him to get him to respond to me. I absolutely hate doing this, but it is better than feeling ignored or left out. What exactly does it mean if your boyfriend does not do those things? He does them during sex, a little bit before, but not at allll after. Of course I have complained about these things, but nothing gets done...it is like I dont matter at all. But then on top of that there are things he does that allow me to convince myself that he wants to be in this relationship. For example, we are both in couples therapy in addition to our singles therapy. He would not be doing that if he didnt care, right? It is just so hard when I am on the spot to convince myself, "Even though he is doing, I know he loves me because of ." It takes me a while to calm down and just try to understand his point of view...and sometimes I just react, which will obviously worsen the situation.

 

I have asked him why he does not do those things, and sometimes it is a stupid excuse like "my breath is bad and im self conscious" and other times, he will do it at that moment, but in the pathetic way (because I had to ask for it) and he wont do it again afterwards on his own.

I guess I should talk about this more in couples therapy. Even the therapist noted that I had been working hard for a good 3 weeks to give him his space, and she told him that he needs to be more compassionate and do more little things to show me he cares.

 

I just hate this, I am sooooo emotional, ALL the time.

UGH.