Guest Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I have been together with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. I was 18 and he was 19 when we started dating, now we're 23 and 24 respectively. We're very close and generally have a good relationship. My problem is that someday I do want to get married. I know that 23 is really too young to be married but I also see alot of my friends getting engaged and I know that 23 isn't too young to be engaged. My boyfriend and I have had uncomfortable talks about it in the past. He seems to think that we'll be together indefinitely and in the past he's said that marriage is something that seems to happen when people have things figured out. He had said (this was about a year ago) that he saw it happening after he found a (real) job and before he went to graduate school (I'm currently in graduate school). So lately, maybe its the weather- I don't know, I've been thinking about engagement. He now has a job so I figured it wasn't an outlandish thing to ask about. And so last night I asked what he thought about engagement and marriage. As for marriage, he thought it was archaic, and for engagement, well, he gave every indication of not having thought a single bit about asking me. And so I just don't know what to do. I really want to be married someday, I have the whole idealized idea of growing old and sitting on a porch with someone. I know we're too young but I don't know if he will ever be ready for this. We've been together for almost five years and it feels uncomfortable talking about this with him. Is he ever likely to change his viewpoint? Is this just some, I'm young and just don't want to think about it, thing? I love him alot and I know that he loves me as well. But I remember reading in a magazine about a women who was in a 7 year relationship when her boyfriend said to her, "Don't you think that if I was going to ask you I would have by now?" When I read that I wondered if that could be my boyfriend. I don't want to be the perpetual girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I don't think there is a need to get engaged until you are ready to set a date. I believe that this leads to way more frustration. So, if you aren't ready to set a date, then don't pressure him to get engaged. About your fears? The only real solution is to ask him these questions. Only he knows. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I'd add that few men now a days are thinking about and ready to, settle down at 24. Most are still nervous at 30, regardless of whether they've met the right person. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly, or to be rushed in to. It's not about how long you've been together. It's about how ready both of you are to make that commitment. I personally think at 24 he feels marriage is still in his 'future' and not his here and now.... Link to post Share on other sites
adnCat Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I think you need to straight out ask him if he wants to get married, and if he wants to get married to you. He should be sure after 5 years. If he is not sure, that it probably isn't meant to be. That being said, just because you know you want to get married to one another, it doesn't mean engagement and marriage should happen right away. You do need to check on his committment to you and the relationship, though. You don't want to be a perpetual girlfriend. So let him know that marriage is something that you want, and if he doesn't want it, then you'll have to walk. If he wants it but not yet, talk to him about why and when it can happen. I know it's common for guys to say they need to get job stuff figured out before getting married. But it can also be an excuse and not a real reason. My BF and I have been together for about 8 years, and we are just now seeing the light at the end of the dating tunnel (the "light" being marriage, I guess). He also had to get job/school stuff "figured out" and it has taken longer than we thought, but things are going well now. Depending on his intentions, you might want to stick around. Link to post Share on other sites
suzy61 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Hang in there.And take it easy.What's the rush? I've a friend who's been going out with her boyfriend 7 years, since about the same age as you.She knows he won't propose "this side of 30".She thinks he's too immature anyway.Just take all the time that you and he need to take.There's not much point in saying "after 5 years he should know". Everone is different. He may well know, but be in no hurry. Guys tend to a bit more immature anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 He thinks marriage is archaic, huh? It could be that he's just still too young to really consider marriage seriously for himself, or it could be that he really believes that he would never get married or benefit from it. If you have been together 5 years and you are uncomfortable talking to him about marriage, I would see that as a troubling sign. There's a reason you're uncomfortable - what you want out of life and what he wants out of life aren't in sync. Talk to him about it again. This time, tell him that you do not want to get married for a while, but that marriage is very important to you and that you do want that kind of relationship in your life. That you would not be happy without the personal commitment to build a future together. Just be honest with him. Then ask him if he ever sees himself getting married or if he is just totally opposed to the idea. Ask him if he is willing to give up your relationship to hold on to his belief that marriage is 'archaic'. Ask him why he believes that YOUR marriage together would have to be anything like the 'archaic' marriages of the past. Ask him what he sees for your future together. Then, be prepared to move on if you find out he is the 'never marrying' kind of guy. If you do want marriage in your life, you won't have it with him. So it's best to go out and meet someone who can fully commit to you in the way you want, who is eager and looks forward to having you in the rocking chair next to him on that porch. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Don't confuse not wanting to get married with not loving you or not wanting to be with you forever. I personally think marriage is a pointless waste of money that doesn't change my feelings and level of commitment to the relationship at all. I'm not going to get married, but I will stay with my partner forever and love her no less than a husband and wife duo would. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Don't confuse not wanting to get married with not loving you or not wanting to be with you forever. I personally think marriage is a pointless waste of money that doesn't change my feelings and level of commitment to the relationship at all. I'm not going to get married, but I will stay with my partner forever and love her no less than a husband and wife duo would. That's fine if your partner agrees with you about marriage and doesn't care about the legal rights - such as access to your hospital bed or making health decisions should you/she be unable to, or being able to access your health coverage while she's not working because she's at home caring for your children - that go along with a legal marriage. The problems arise, though, when one person sees marriage as important and significant and the other partner doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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