So I did it

[shelby_shellsp]

Hi this is my first time posting so constructive advice will be welcome. Otherwise if you're gonna post flaming comments then they will be ignore. I'm in a 2 year relationship with my b/f and everthing's been going fine until recently the last 4 months in which I'm having a problem with my temper. Lately I have been depress due to college and these few people at work I don't get along with. The classmates at college are really backstabbers (not real friends). But what is really killing me is my b/f's low libido so all at the time time I'm taking it on him and the fact that it takes a while for him to listen to me.

 

The first incidence was about him spending my money on some relative (he knows my password on my account) and well I got soo piss he didn't ask for my permission. It's my money (he's on my mercy anyways). Then all I can say I completely lost it and left him in scratches. I must say I did felt guilty, like I should have at least say something about. Then off course comes the other occassions. This only happens twice sometimes three times a month, but it's not like I'm beating him on a regular basis or threatening him, which I'm not, it's only once in a while.

 

Anyways I do believe under certain circumstance force should be apply. At times that's the only way he'll listen to me. I mainly tend to do that if turns his back on me (grrr I hate it when people do that, can't stand it) or if he yells once in a while. The scary thing is after the first inicident I felt like he deserve it, he really was asking for it.

 

Then again, I know I must be feeling guilty else I wouldn't be posting here.

[shelby_shellsp]

There's gotta be some way I can stop hitting him, if so what is it?

[Walk]

I'm glad you are trying to find a way to modify your behavior. That's a good thing. Don't just limit it to this board though, do some research on the net regarding "abuse" and the effects it has on the person abused. Also, your college has a department set up for students who need help with personal problems. They have counselors you could talk to who would be far better equiped to help you learn the tools you need in order to have a healthy relationship finally.

 

Your place of work also has something like this set up... or at least, most places of employement do. I think it'd be safer to go to the college's counseling department though.

 

The problem, as I see it.. Both of you lack a healthy way to express your frustrations/concerns and problems. I also want to stress that no matter how upset you are, no one deserves to be hit, scratched, or attacked physically or verbally. If you can't express yourself verbally, then stay away from him until you cool off enough to talk calmly with him.

 

This is my layman suggestion for your situaiton. Like I said, talk to the counselor at your school. She or he, could give much better tools for how to handle the arguments that occur.

 

But I would suggest this. Change your password on your account, first off. Then attempt to talk to your bf again. I'm guessing he may not have felt comfortable talking to you about what he wanted to do. He's avoiding discussing anything that would've made you upset. He still did what he wanted to do, but he refused to talk to you first about it. I'm assuming he felt the repercussions of "talking" out weighted the scratches you gave him for helping his family out... So you have to recreate the open communication that will allow both of you to air your concerns, or needs, or thoughts.. Without that, nothing will change. Do some research on communicating with your partner. Start implementing those. The moment you start to feel so angry that you want to lash out, call a time out and leave. Go somewhere, do something else... go for a walk, take a drive, a nap, whatever... But DON'T stay in that situation. You aren't doing either of you any good. You're only causing more problems by releasing your anger on him. It takes a lot of self-control to walk away when you're upset, but you have to do it for YOU.

 

I'm also assuming that you probably don't ask many questions as to why he does stuff. Do you give him the opportunity to tell you why? Why did he feel he couldn't ask you first if he could give money to his family? Why did he give money to his family? What were the thoughts going through his mind at the time? Actually TALK to him.. Don't just yell, scream and scratch. Find out what is going on in his head, and then the BOTH of you find a way to resolve it that will benefit the both of you. Ie: If his family really needed the money, and he felt obligated to help, then in the future he should ask your permission. Or you two could set up his own money (kind of like an allowance), so that he could give without having to ask you for the money. Or, suggest he get a part time job so that he would have that money available if needed. Find SOLUTIONS together.

 

He knows what buttons of your to press to get the biggest reaction from you. Be smarter. Acknowledge that he's doing this. Be aware of what actions he takes that cause you to lose your top, and then use some self-control. If he turns his back on you while arguing/talking, then stop the conversation immediately, tell him how his behavior is affecting you (ie: you feel insulted, disrespected, ignored, and it causes you to want to lash out in anger) then call a time out. Let him know that If or When he decides to talk to you like two grown adults, you'll be happy to talk to him... until then, you are removing yourself from the situation.

 

Go talk to the counselor at your school. And start looking up ways to handle difficult communication problems. There's a lot of good informaiton on the net about how to approach different problems in communication. Start reseraching them. If you care about your bf at all, then do this for the both of you. If your relationship is important, then put some effort into re-learning how to effectively communicate. If you don't really care, then just leave him. It won't get any better, and your aggression will escalate in time. Your relationship isn't healthy. I'm not saying you're "wrong" or he's "wrong"... only that the both of you need to re-learn how to communicate so you can have a partnership, not this warfare you have going on.

 

P.s. If you get to the point you want to attack your bf.. jump on here and vent for a while first. Get some input into ways to handle the situation, take some time to cool off first and think through the problem.

[lovelorcet]

 

Anyways I do believe under certain circumstance force should be apply.

 

You are dead wrong, force is never an option. If you were a man people would have you packing and you would be on your way to jail.

 

 

You have a problem and you had better learn how to deal with this right now. Don't even think about having childern untill this is under control.

[lovelorcet]

The scary thing is after the first inicident I felt like he deserve it, he really was asking for it.

 

 

Do I even need to make a comment here???

[peacelove]

Anger management is in order here.

[amaysngrace]

I guess you knew your post was going to provoke negative reactions, which is why you asked for constructive criticism.

 

I think the only advice I can offer is to save your money in an account that nobody can access. I'd start by dropping out of school and using those funds as a basis for your savings.

 

You obviously are wasting your money with your writing skills and will get less than average grades on your term papers.

 

Save your money NOW.

[jmargel]

You need to see a psychologist about your emotions. This is not normal. How was your upbringing?

 

The only way it is *ever* ok to use force is in self-defense. You will lose your bf if you don't stop this behavior, I can guarantee that.

[quankanne]

excellent reply, walk.

 

This only happens twice sometimes three times a month, but it's not like I'm beating him on a regular basis or threatening him, which I'm not, it's only once in a while. Anyways I do believe under certain circumstance force should be apply. At times that's the only way he'll listen to me. I mainly tend to do that if turns his back on me or if he yells once in a while. The scary thing is after the first incident I felt like he deserve it, he really was asking for it.

 

force is never okay in a relationship unless you are fighting to protect your life from someone who is trying to hurt you, and even then you understand that it's an exception to how people should act in a relationship.

 

your comments "it's not like I'm beating him on a regular basis or threatening him, it's only once in awhile" and "I felt like he deserved it, he was really asking for it" is how someone justifies their abuse of another. Your feelings of anger might be justified, but striking out at someone – whether it's punching, grabbing, scratching or pulling hair – isn't, under normal circumstances. From what you describe, you are allowing your anger be your escape valve rather than finding other ways to defuse the situation. Walk's suggestion to look into personal counselling is an excellent one, because a good counsellor will help give you the tools to better communicate (and yes, this includes learning to not lash out at others) with people.

 

I think you're responding to your instinct to not behave this way, and you sincerely sound like you want to correct this behavior because it worries you. With some help from the proper sources, you'll be able to communicate your feelings in more constructive ways while avoiding falling into a habit of lashing out physically at someone.

[shelby_shellsp]

You have a problem and you had better learn how to deal with this right now. Don't even think about having childern untill this is under control.

 

Yes I do agree on it, I don't deny I been having a terrible temper lately. As for children, I'm 20 years old and don't have any desire to have kids, never had any whatsoever.

[shelby_shellsp]

You need to see a psychologist about your emotions. This is not normal. How was your upbringing?

 

The only way it is *ever* ok to use force is in self-defense. You will lose your bf if you don't stop this behavior, I can guarantee that.

 

I know that, I wasn't like this before that. My upbringing was fine as I'm not aware of any violeence I seen, not that I know of. Actually this past month my b/f's being shouting at me, now he's starting to yell at me. I did so frustrated in that moment as I hate getting yelled at, he didn't say anything at first so I grab him either by the back of the shirt or the neck and start hitting on the floor while screaming at him. I'm also aware that for the past month he's not affectionate anymore as he used to be, which I don't wanna lost it, I love him. Yes I'm going to seek help.