Trust issues

[Guest]

We have been married for 23 years in Jun my husband was showing me a picture on his cell phone I caught a glimpse of a co-worker (Shes been married 2 yrs) (all four of us work at the same place) later I took his phone and looked at his pictures sure enough there were several pictures of this girl with a low cut top on looking inside her shirt no nipples showing (she has big boobs).

 

A few weeks later I saw a text from his guy friend (they send chick pictures back n forth) with a picture of her with some tight pants on showing her crotch area the text said looks like she has more of a hold on your scrodum than we thought.

 

Her and her husband went sailing a few week later they said they would send pictures. I never saw any pictures.

 

In the mean time I obtained his e-mail password and found the pictures of her from his cell phone and pictures she had sent from the sailing trip (pictures were all of her) the message with the pictures said hope you like the pictures. Another message when they got back said just doing my domestic goddess duties. He erases his sent file so I don’t know what he sent her.

 

A few weeks later I found a note in his backpack that said I truly love you, can’t wait to make you mine I want to make love to you every night and on and on. I didn’t confront him yet. I need more proof.

 

About a month later I finally confronted him I had made copies of the pictures and a copy of the note which I had put back in his backpack. I said someone had left these in my car with a note. Of course he denied he said he had taken some of the pictures but that someone from work could have copies his hand writing and wrote the note. He said he loves me if he didn’t he would be gone.

 

We car pool to work and don’t go out anywhere. He plays golf on Sundays (Yes hes at the golf course) than comes straight home. I know physically they haven’t done anything but emotionally its there. After I confronted him he changed his password and deleted all the pictures and got rid of the note.

 

(I don’t know if that was a rough draft if she ever saw it or if he was just putting his feelings on paper) (He use to put his feelings on paper and give them to me but hasn’t done that in many years)

 

I still check his e-mail and haven’t found anything. I think they text each other than he erases his text from her before I pick him up.

 

We went on vacation (told the family we would be back cause he wanted to renew our wedding vow on #25 in 1 ½ yrs) for ten days he called her twice while we were gone 5 min and 8 min (of course I wasn’t around) and the day after we got back.

 

Her husband is gone for 6 months and on Fri she sent him a text with her address.

 

All I want from him is the truth about the pictures the note and his intentions. We had a discussion Sunday I told him I though their friendship had crossed the line and It could go either way. That she is always complaining about her husband that she is looking. He said she is not looking (I though yeah cause shes got her sites on you). I said if she threw it at you come on you’re a guy He look at me and said do think I would actually do that if you do what does that say about us. I said I would hope you wouldn’t.

 

So people do you have any suggestions for me? What should I do with all this mess? I though about confronting her telling her I know about the pictures and to stay away from my husband but what would be the point.

[Walk]

I would say that all the evidence says the boundaries have seriously been crossed. Whether there's been physical acts, I don't know.. But still, it's inappropriate for both of them to be doing this.

 

My suggestion.. and not sure it's good, but maybe it'll get the ball rolling so others with better ideas will post....

 

I think you need to confront him, but this time without "asking" if he might be doing something... but TELL him he is being inapropriate with this woman. Whether or not he's actually had sex with her yet is kind of a moot point. He's already crossed the line... after that we're mostly talking degree's of infidelity. But he's crossed the line. I think you should point blank tell him, "this is what I know, this is what I believe, and this is going to change right now." No option for excuses. No giving him the benefit of the doubt. All he'll do is attempt to turn this around to be your fault. He's already done that by making that comment "do think I would actually do that (and) if you do what does that say about us."

 

In short.. You have to stand up for yourself and your relationship. Show him the boundary. Tell him it's been crossed. That he needs to end this "relationship" with the woman, or you are leaving. Show him what he will lose if he continues down this path. He's not taking you seriously, he's not acknowledging how hurtful his actions are to you. He's so enwrapped in himself right now, that he can't even see you. He won't admit he's doing anything wrong because he doesn't want to... he likes what he's doing right now. He wants to keep doing it. THere has to be a hard knock on his head to make him wake up and realize the extreme game he's playing. SHow him what he will lose if he wants to continue this game.

 

That's my suggestion... I cheated on my exh. And when asked about it at the beginning I lied my ass off. I was very convincing. I made him feel paranoid, crazy, guilty.. You aren't crazy. He's trying to shift the burden on to you because he knows he's doing something wrong and he doesn't want to admit it. I dont' know if it would've changed anything if my exh had just laid down the law and stated he would leave if it continued.... probably would've helped us to face the problems, rather than shove everything under the rug for so long.

[norajane]

someone from work could have copies his hand writing and wrote the note

Ok, that has to be the stupidest lie I've ever heard.

 

You need to sit him down and tell him that your marriage is in trouble and unless he cuts contact with this woman, you are going to throw him out of the house and file for divorce.

 

If that doesn't get him to wake up, you're only going to be in for more of the same, so there's no point in staying with him. Why allow him to treat you this way?