How to tell her I'm not ready?

[Guest]

I stumbled upon this forum via Google and I must admit that it's really cool! :-)

 

My story....

 

Myself and my girlfriend live together in NYC. We've been dating for 3 years and have lived together for about 2.5 years. I'm 25 and she will soon be 26. We are both college graduates, are doing well for ourselves in our jobs, have tons of friends and a cute cat. I must admit that life is pretty darn good.

 

Unfortunately, my girlfriend doesn't see it that way. She's bored with her job and in general, she believes her life is stagnant. I try to support her and encourage her to take up new hobbies, hit the gym, volunteer, look for a new job or start thinking about graduate school, but she always brushes off my suggestions or just simply doesn't follow through. When we started dating 3 years ago, she was saying "God, I hate my job! I'm going to start looking for a new one." She's still at the same job.

 

I bring up this point because I think she is trying to use marriage, specifically a wedding, to fill the voids in her life. For the last year or so, she has been pressuring me to propose to her. Don't get me wrong - I love my girlfriend with all my heart, I'm caring and supportive and I want nothing more than to one day get married and start a family with her. But not now. I'm not ready and I really don't think she is.

 

Here are my reasons for not wanting to get married:

 

1. As I said before, I think she's using the wedding to fill a void in her life. It's something to keep her occupied and it distracts her from her dissatisfaction with her professional life.

 

2. We are a fairly young compared to most of our other friends, who are now starting to get engaged. I think she is comparing herself to these other couples and doesn't take into account the fact that these people are 4-7 years older than us. It’s simply an external pressure on her to get hitched.

 

3. My girlfriend is attention needy. She loves having the spotlight focused on her and a wedding will do just that.

 

4. I am not financially ready to get married. I have college loans to pay back. We both love to travel, so I spend most of my yearly discretionary income on that. In fact, we are both planning to quit our jobs this spring and spend a number of months backpacking through Asia. Proposing to her now would require me to spend all my savings for that trip.

 

5. I am not yet professionally secure. I still want to go back to graduate school and earn an advanced degree.

 

One other thing really stuck me as important. When we were talking about rings, she said to me “I don’t want a ring that I’ll be embarrassed about.” When I asked her to clarify, she said that she didn’t want to be ashamed of her ring around her girlfriends. All her girlfriends come from very wealthy families and they all have large diamonds. This just strikes me as extremely petty and materialistic. IMO, a ring shouldn’t matter at all. If she really loved me and wanted to be with me, she would say “Screw it, I don’t want I ring. All I want is to be with you forever.” :-(

 

How do I let my girlfriend down? She’s really intent on getting married, but I don’t think she’s fully thought it through. It wouldn’t be healthy for us right now and there are more important foundations we need to lay before concentrating on marriage.

[Mirage222]

Awe Guest - I'd take you without the ring!!! You seem like a well versed down to earth person and I admire that. You are young but not that young anymore and people are getting married sucessfully at your age. Does not mean you need to though. Your girl friend does seem like she wants the "status" of marriage, which is sad. Sad at the fact that even if you were to marry her, her job will still suck, her life will still be stangnent, marriage changes none of that. She needs to be her self motivator and unfortuntaly, she is not.

 

You need to tell her straight out that you have other desires right now, such as more of a degree and that you LOVE to travel, why not see it all now before you get yourself into more financial debt and not be able to. Tell her this.

 

She IS materialistic, scary - reminded me of my sister for a moment. Bigger is the only way (ring) for my sister, you girl seems the same and i am sorry for that.

 

Your marriage to her will not work out if your feeling this way now. And, when you speak your mind to her and she happens to walk on you - well then many of your questions were just answered, no?

 

Good luck guest! Remember life is short and there is someone out there.

[Guest]

Awe Guest - I'd take you without the ring!!! You seem like a well versed down to earth person and I admire that. You are young but not that young anymore and people are getting married sucessfully at your age. Does not mean you need to though. Your girl friend does seem like she wants the "status" of marriage, which is sad. Sad at the fact that even if you were to marry her, her job will still suck, her life will still be stangnent, marriage changes none of that. She needs to be her self motivator and unfortuntaly, she is not.

 

You need to tell her straight out that you have other desires right now, such as more of a degree and that you LOVE to travel, why not see it all now before you get yourself into more financial debt and not be able to. Tell her this.

 

She IS materialistic, scary - reminded me of my sister for a moment. Bigger is the only way (ring) for my sister, you girl seems the same and i am sorry for that.

 

Your marriage to her will not work out if your feeling this way now. And, when you speak your mind to her and she happens to walk on you - well then many of your questions were just answered, no?

 

Good luck guest! Remember life is short and there is someone out there.

 

 

I should clarify a few things.

 

Except for the ring and a perfect wedding, she is not very materialistic. She thinks buying designer clothes is a silly expense. She is actually quite frugal and saves most of her money. She does not frivolously spend.

 

That's what makes this so much more difficult. Since she doesn't demand much, so she is probably thinking that this entitles her to ask for a large rock.

 

Another issue is that she is the only child in her family and she is the only grandchild on both the maternal and paternal sides. This is the only wedding her relatives will ever get to attend, so my girlfriend feels pressured to make everything perfect. She wants the big wedding, the big ring, the big honeymoon - I think you know where this is going. It's a once in a lifetime event for everyone in her family.

 

She also wants to marry soon because she is afraid some of her relatives might pass away before seeing her get married. Some of her relatives are fairly old, but I'm not sure if she's just using this as a way to pressure me.

 

Like I said, it's a difficult situation and I feel bad saying "no" to her. But I just feel like we wouldn't be getting married for any of the right reasons.

[quankanne]

sounds like marriage is more of something to check off a list, rather than a sincere desire to launch the rest of your lives together as a one. And from what you described, it's not really going to change things once the ceremony is complete and she's your Mrs. – if she cannot find happiness or contentment in how she's living now, she'll never be happy married.

 

is there some sort of engaged or premarital counselling you can go through to give her an idea what she's wanting to get into, and not just looking at it from just the wedding itself? That might be one way to ease her into the idea that you don't just plan something like this and hope it all turns out okay.

 

if you don't have access to something like this, maybe it's time to sit down and have "the Talk" with her about what your goals that will lead you to a point where you feel free to marry (finishing school, getting certain debts out of the way, etc).

[norajane]

Show her that you've been giving this a lot of thought and that you're serious about marriage, but hat you aren't financially ready.

 

Put together a spreadsheet identifying your financial goals for the next five years - paying off your loans, taking that trip to Asia, and graduate school.

 

Then add the line items for a ring, honeymoon, wedding, and if you also will want a house/condo.

 

Then identify what your current savings are, plus your projected income for the next five years. Factor in how both of you quitting your jobs and traveling through Asia will impact that. Factor in how grad school will impact that.

 

Then sit down with her and tell her that you do see yourself getting married and that it would make you very happy, but in order to do that, you jointly have to consider the financial aspects...the ring/wedding/honeymoon requires trade-offs for traveling and grad school that you don't feel are necessary.

 

Give her an approximate timeline on when you think you would be ready to get married and ask her if she can support you in waiting until a better time.

 

If she's bored with her job and/or life, yes, getting married is very likely something she wants to fill the voids. Ask her what her thoughts are on working after marriage, and on having children. She might think that after marriage, she can just quit her job and not have to work, or that having children would be a good reason to do that. Do her well-off friends have jobs and work after getting married?

 

The business about the ring and not being 'embarrassed'...that's a HUGE red flag that the "wedding/engagment/ring" is more important to her than being married to you. If she's concerned about the ring size, perhaps she'd be willing to wait until you can afford to buy one that she's not embarrassed about. Or maybe she could chip in for it.

[Mirage222]

I am sorry Guest, but there is nothing really to clarify. She just does not seem to want to marry for "normal" reasons of getting married. She wants to get married to suffice her family, friends etc. Where do YOU fit in, in all of this? Think about it.

 

As far as materialistic goes... that's great that she does not like designer clothes etc, but Norajane said it even more clear then I ... BIG ROCK - RED FLAG.. Marrying is not about a luxurious party for the family, a hige wedding ring and an expensive vacation for a honey moon. She needs to dig deep and find out what it really means to her.

[amandine]

It's been said a thousand times on this site but bears repeating:

 

There is a difference between GETTING married and BEING married.

 

Also, I agree with all above. That's awesome that your girl isn't materialistic, absolutely awesome. And maybe it does give her some sway to let you pick out the best ring ever for her because you won't be spending it on other things she demands you to buy. However, it doesn't entitle her to anything. The one thing she should be entitled to for being an awesome girl is an awesome guy, which is what you seem to be.

 

From those of us in the 25-something age range, keep fighting the good fight. These are the years we're supposed to be travelling and betting on our careers, and if not happy, finding new ones we're good with. Marriage is not a way to solve a crappy situation. It is, in such a situation, what leads to a crappy marriage.

 

-Amandine

[Anka]

What does age have to do with it?

 

Im 26, divorced with two kids. All my friends are my age, and married with kids, and im remarring in May.

26 is a perfect age for marriage, I didnt want to start having kids in my thirties.

Plus, you are living together, the only difference between what your doing now and being married is a big party and a piece of paper.

How can you not be 'ready' when you are already living as if you are married?

[suchislife]

it never, ever works to force someone to do something. They'll do it for a while, and then it will fall apart.

 

Take your time. If it's meant to be, it will be. Tell her the truth and see what happens. Isn't that what you would want?

 

The "big" ring thing bothers me. It doesn't mean a thing, so who cares if you even have one?

 

Ok, she might feel some pressures regarding her family. She needs to be adult enough to tell them that the two of you are taking your time. That's it.

 

Good luck. You sound like you really have your act together.

[Guest]

How do I let my girlfriend down? She’s really intent on getting married, but I don’t think she’s fully thought it through. It wouldn’t be healthy for us right now and there are more important foundations we need to lay before concentrating on marriage.

 

Wow, you sure you're not my boyfriend?

 

It sounds like you're looking for ways to justify your own problems with marriage. You use the excuse that she feels her life is stagnant and you advised she look to take up a new hobby or find a new job; what if she's happy with those aspects of her life, and the only thing she feels is stagnant is your relationship? It sounds like you are happy with the way things are now, and she is not, yet you are not willing to entertain the idea of marraige.

 

What is different about married life than the life you're living now? If you are already living together and sharing financial goals then there's not much that will change in your day to day life when you're married, so if you're not ready for that then you shouldn't be living together now. If it's just the expense of the ring and ceremony, then talk to her about doing something not as expensive.

 

I think the most important thing here to clarify is whether you're not ready for marriage *yet* or *at all*, because if it's the latter then no matter how good the relationship, if she has dreams of being married and having a family then you're wasting her time and should be responsible enough to realize that. If you're just not ready *yet*, then you should set up a timetable, and a list of things that you feel are keeping you from feeling ready. Then the two of you should plan to address them together.

 

IMO, a ring shouldn’t matter at all. If she really loved me and wanted to be with me, she would say “Screw it, I don’t want I ring. All I want is to be with you forever.” :-(

 

But, isn't that really what she's saying by saying she wants to marry you? A ring is just part of that, yes. As much as we want to deny it or appear to be altruistic, the bling really does serve a purpose in the overall scheme of things. I went down the route of "If you love me, it shouldn't matter" and got married without an engagement ring because a) we didn't have a lot of money and b) I was trying to do the right thing and not be materialistic. Unfortunately, it's more a show of your priorities than of her materialism. I learned what my (ex)husband's priorities were real quick; he would think nothing of spending half his salary every month on toys for himself but couldn't be bothered to save for our future or get something for me. There's a reason he's my ex.

 

I bet you'd think nothing of spending a good chunk of change on something like a car, or your education, if you felt it was warranted. How much is her happiness worth to you? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her? It sounds like in all other respects she's not a materialistic or high maintenance person, so think of this as an investment in your future together. If this is really something she wants, the symbolism or materialism shouldn't matter, and what value you place on the object shouldn't matter - what should matter is that it's something she wants, and *she* is what matters to you.