how do i find out if he's cheating?

[journey mackenzie]

my boyfriend is 4 years younger than me and very good looking. i'm no slouch myself, but when we go out, he has women almost literally throwing themselves at him. they even hit on him when i'm there! he's either totally oblivious or thinks its funny. here's my problem. he just started back to college and got a new job where he is expected to work late a lot because the business just opened. i am starting a new job soon as well, but in the meantime i've had nothing to do with my day but stay home and watch my son (no, i dont watch soap operas either)

 

he tells me he's not cheating, and if he is, he's being very careful (no phone numbers, lipstick stains etc.) we have an honest relationship (i think) and he's told me that he cheated on his last girlfriend with co-workers and when he was in school the first time. he assures me that he wont do the same to me and he is very supportive and caring in every other way. am i just being naive? am i paranoid because of his past history and what he's told me? are my "red flags" up for no reason? SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT but i don't have any solid proof!

 

i need advice! if i confront him and i'm wrong, i look like a possesive fool. i can't follow him around everywhere, no do i want to! HELP!

[c.r.]

Dear Journey:

 

All of us have habits that are hard to break...sex is NO exception. Your boyfriend is suspectable to this, so your gut feelings are justified.

 

I saw this at a talk show (Montel, I think) and these are the ways you can spot cheating:

 

-Sneak inside his wallet for any credit-card statements... Do this when he's taking a shower. Any person worth his salt would keep all financial receipts. Look for any hotel or excess spending habits. The trash can also helps.

 

-Or better yet, go there and do a surprise "drop by" for a visit (get good alibi, like bringing Chinese take-out for a treat). Hire a baby sitter and get cracking!

 

-Everybody knows about lipstick, but it takes a crafty one to detect someone's perfume that is not yours nor your partner's.

 

That's all I can remember, so I wish you luck on this. Let us know on further developments.

[Totally Confused]

This is hard, because I can understand why you don't trust him. It's not that he's done something to you directly, it's just what he's told you he's done to his ex girlfriends. It makes you think, why would this be any different. If you can do it to one, what's to say you couldn't do it to me. Even if he says he love you, what's to stop him. Even guys who love their wives and gf's have cheated. It doesn't mean they don't love them, it just means they don't respect them. Then you've got to decide, no matter how good looking, do you really want a man that doesn't respect women. Usually I would say, trust him in your relationship, until he gives you a reason not to, but he basically told you that he's not always faithful. That's a red light warning right there. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

 

Some ways of telling if a man is cheating is through their actions. When you confront him, does he get angry, nervous or irritable. Does he call you insecure instead of reassuring you that you have nothing to fear? Does he call you less frequently. Does he want his weekends to be with the guys? When he tells you he has to work late or give a reason for why he can't meet you, does he act nervous, does he hurry the convo or stumble over his words? Has the sex slowed down in your relationship? Has he stopped showing affection in public (hand holding, quick kisses, putting his arm around you)? When a pretty girl walks by, does he suddenly act like you're just friends, showing no signs of intimacy? We can't always catch them in the act, but these signs above are usually a good indication.

 

If you're this uneasy about it and you don't see any signs, then you might want to follow him. Find out where he parks, go to the bars you think he might be. Try to find out what bars/restaurants are in the area, get a friend to go with you and check around. The only problem is, if you have to follow him, you might also want to start questioning the relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who not only doesn't respect women, but makes you feel this insecure? You shouldn't be feeling this way when it's a healthy relationship. The trust should just come naturally. This guy doesn't sound like he's the right one for you. Maybe he is, but ask yourself, if this guy were ugly, would his personality alone make me want to stay with him? I hope everything works out, and I hope he is being faithful. Good luck in your search.