Tired of feeling lousy.

[panzer6]

Hi everybody, I was with a woman for a year and she dumped me for not showing my feelings. She has 2 boys who are awesome and I miss them very much. The way we fell in love was very special to me, we started out as friends and gradually became more and more intimate. I knew we were falling in love and I have to say it was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. I have had other relationships that lasted alot longer but they never felt like this one. Any way she eventually ended it but we decided to still sleep together a couple times per month. Even though she dumped me she still said that she loved me. I have to admit it was the hardest thing to do. On the one hand I could still see her and the boys and we would make love but at the same time I didn't have what I wanted which was everything.

I started going to therapy to work on myself and try to get better at showing my feelings. Her friends said that they noticed a difference in me and she said that she saw a difference as well. About 4 months ago she had a meltdown and accused me of showing no empathy to her which was completely untrue. She told me to get lost and to never contact her again. I did as she asked and didn't call her in any way for about 3 months. Then one night she calls me and we talked for about an hour and she acted like nothing happened which pissed me off. So now she calls and texts me regularly. Last weekend we finally saw each other, she invited me to a fundraiser for her son's hockey team. Everything seemed ok but she seemed angry about something. She hardly looked at me or spoke to me the whole night. I can't understand why she would invite me out and then treat me like crap. I did my best to have a good time and talked with her friends most of the night. I was happy to see her but I also felt quite lousy with the way she acted toward me. My question is, why would she ask me to come if that was how she intended to act toward me? Why ask me to come at all? It really makes me feel lousy cuz all the feelings I had for her came back and yet she seemed so antagonistic toward me. I'm sick of feeling like crap so I think I'm just gonna withdraw from her altogether. Any help would greatly appreciated.

[tdmce]

She told you she didn't want to hear from you. So WTF is she doing contacting you now!

 

Sounds like she just wanted your company, but at the same time didn't want to get your hopes up again, so that is why she gave you the cold treatment.

 

Seriously for you own peace of mind, cut off all contact. And find a woman that will appreciate you.

 

There is 3 billion + of them out there, you can do way better, move on dude.

[panzer6]

Yeah, I know, you're right. I guess it's hard for me cuz I remember what it was like between us. It was really great and we were very close. I don't know how it all went to crap but it did. That's the reality I have to deal with now. I understand the value of NC. When I didn't have to deal with her I felt alot better about things, I still thought about her but I made no effort to contact her. I can't say I was shocked that she called me. I knew she would. She would call me late at night and flirt with me and she would tell me how much she missed me. People are strange. There are so many ways we could help each other but we always seem to hurt each other. It's best to let go and let the universe decide whats next for me. This way it's out of my hands and I won't worry about it anymore. I'll probably sleep alot better too. Thanks for the input.

[tdmce]

Yeah that is what we all do, remember the good things, it is only human nature.

 

You sounds like you have a good handle on the situation.

 

Good luck with your next lady

[Guest]

lately i have found that the things that happen in here seem to mirror my real life. so today i told a good friend and he is going to help me get to the root of all this stuff, and he doesn't think i'm whacked at all.

 

so, here's what i did - reported what i know and just wait and see how that plays out. then, i stopped any dating and thinking about the ex or dating - gonna be single for a while. next, once i get my computer stuff fixed, i am getting rid of it and never gonna look online for someone to date anymore [why too many set-up, fake stuff there] i'll go the normal routine from now one. so, there it is. feels good. u folks have any suggestions? am i on the right path?

[norajane]

Maybe when she actually saw you at the hockey thing, some of her old hurts and resentments welled up and she hadn't expected to feel that way.

 

I know what it's like to be with a guy who doesn't show his feelings. It leaves you wondering whether he loves you, whether he loves you enough, whether he's really attracted, whether there's something wrong with you...it leaves you feeling very, very insecure in the relationship and does a real number on your self-esteem. You see all these other people around you who are in relationships where there are all these "I love you's" and affection, and you wonder what's wrong with you that your guy barely smiles or hugs you when he comes over to see you. It wears you out and makes you feel like crap...and it makes you feel UNLOVED despite what he might say. When did you say I love you? When you felt it at a special moment between you, or when you were deep in the midst of a "relationship discussion"? Did she have to drag it out of you? It makes you feel unloved and unloveable.

 

If she said she felt she wasn't getting empathy, that probably means she didn't see that you really understood what you had been putting her through that whole time you were together when you weren't showing your feelings. You can't just go to therapy and start "changing" without acknowledging her pain and what she went through for a year and expect everything to be fine.

 

When she started calling you again and acted as if nothing had happened, it pissed you off BUT YOU STILL DID NOTHING. You didn't tell her you'd been thinking about what she said about empathy, you didn't tell her you were sorry for what you put her through, you didn't tell her you want to make it up to her, you didn't tell her how important she is to you, you didn't say squat.

 

So, yeah, all that came welling up when she saw you and she probably found it more difficult to talk to you than she expected.

 

And now, you're upset, but you're writing to Loveshack about your feelings instead of telling her. You're still afraid to show your feelings, still afraid to fight against your fears and go after the woman you LOVE.

 

...but I'm just guessing, so you don't have to take my word for it. You could call her and talk to her.

[gfto]

She has low interest in you. Cut off contact and move on.

[Guest]

I totally agree, very low interest.

 

If a chick is keen on you, she would do anything to be with you. She wouldn't have waited this long to contact you again.

[norajane]

She has low interest in you. Cut off contact and move on.

 

I totally agree, very low interest.

 

If a chick is keen on you, she would do anything to be with you. She wouldn't have waited this long to contact you again.

 

What, are you two reading Doc Love and his "System"?

 

Men who keep women at arm's length end up alone...they let the universe decide and believe it's all out of their hands...they withdraw and do nothing and then wonder why they're all by themselves.

[gfto]

What, are you two reading Doc Love and his "System"?

 

Men who keep women at arm's length end up alone...they let the universe decide and believe it's all out of their hands...they withdraw and do nothing and then wonder why they're all by themselves.

 

Actually, Doc is pretty hard on men. His basis thesis is that the woman's interest level is the most important factor, and that most men say and do all the wrong things, thus lowering her interest level until she can't take it anymore and dumps him. I was not very successful with women until after I read his book and started observing and listening to guys who do well with women. Shortly thereafter, I found myself in a relationship with a wonderful, intelligent, knock out girl who I've been with for well over a year. I don't "keep her at arms length," but I don't call her every day and talk for a hour either.

[norajane]

Actually, Doc is pretty hard on men. His basis thesis is that the woman's interest level is the most important factor, and that most men say and do all the wrong things, thus lowering her interest level until she can't take it anymore and dumps him. I was not very successful with women until after I read his book and started observing and listening to guys who do well with women. Shortly thereafter, I found myself in a relationship with a wonderful, intelligent, knock out girl who I've been with for well over a year. I don't "keep her at arms length," but I don't call her every day and talk for a hour either.

 

That's all well and good, but our OP here has problems showing his emotions. His problem is not that he's chasing after her and lowering her interest level, it's that he had trouble showing that he even had an interest level for her. When you show no emotions, the assumption other people make is that you don't have those emotions for them. He hasn't been calling her at all - she's the one who called him to talk and flirt. She invited him to the hockey thing and he spent the whole night talking to other people. Did he even go up to her and thank her for inviting him? Who knows?

[gfto]

That's all well and good, but our OP here has problems showing his emotions.

Exactly. He didn't give her romance and affection, which lowered her interest level, so she dumped him.

When you show no emotions, the assumption other people make is that you don't have those emotions for them.

I agree. I was dumped several times because of this, but once the damage is done, it's over. You can't go back. You can only make sure you don't make the same mistake with the next girl.

she's the one who called him to talk and flirt. She invited him to the hockey thing and he spent the whole night talking to other people. Did he even go up to her and thank her for inviting him? Who knows?

This all happened AFTER she had already dumped him. And, as I understood his post, she is the one who essentially ignored him at the hockey shindig.

[panzer6]

OK guys, for the record I have put up with a lot of her crap. She freaks out over every little thing I say or do or don't say or don't do. It's like I was damned if i do and damned if i don't. Do you have any idea what that is like ? Whenever she had a meltdown I would be there to tell her that I loved her and that I would make it alright for her. I never withheld my feelings from her, I was just much more stable than her. I accepted that she had been through alot of crap with other men and i told her that there was nothing we couldn't talk about. I wanted to be the one man that made a difference in her and her boys' lives. But she made it so difficult for me. There were times when she seemed like a completely different person than the one I had fallen in love with. Strangely enough this behaviour started about 3 days after we had first made love. Before that she was very sweet and very loving and told me I was very special to her. We had been friends for about 5 months and we spent alot of time together. I knew we were becoming closer and closer and it felt really good. The sex was fantastic and she told me she felt the same. I just don't understand why she continues to contact me if she has no feelings or interest for me. She said that I made her feel things that she had never felt before. As far as the other night is concerned, she had a look in her eye that kind of frightened me. She had been drinking but wasn't overly drunk, just feeling good. She was talking with her friends alot and she seemed happy. But when she looked at me she would get this look in her eye like I killed her dog or something. I know there was pain between us and I was just as much to blame as her, but I don't see the point of us hanging out as friends if she treats me like her enemy. I made every attempt to talk to her and look her in the eye but she seemed to be avoiding me pretty much most of the time. WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM ME ? IM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION!!!!!!

[gfto]

I just don't understand why she continues to contact me if she has no feelings or interest for me.

It could be lots of things. She might be bored. She might find herself with nothing to do on a particular night, so she calls you, because she knows you'll put up with whatever crap she throws at you. It could be ego. She might just get a charge out of watching you follow her around. I once dated a girl who did the same stuff you're describing. As men usually do, I made the mistake of thinking, "well, gee, she's calling me and spending time with me, so she must be interested. I'm just not trying hard enough." Wrong. I finally woke up and realized that she just wasn't into me at all, but she enjoyed watching me follow her around and take her crap. I finally just quit taking her calls/e-mails, disappeared, and started dating women who were interested in me. It worked wonders. Try it.

[panzer6]

Her birthday is coming up on Wednesday, should I contact her or not? Any help would be great.