What is love? Hurting every second of every day when you are not with that person.

[Krying]

I've been separated from my fiancé for 3-4 weeks now. During this time, she hooked back up with her ex (one of the reasons she told me she had to end it with me) and they are getting married at the end of the week. I am so shattered; I can hardly hold it together. I'd like to say she did have true feelings for me, but how do you really know? I felt she did love me though, but I don’t think she over her ex. Thus she came to the conclusion that since she missed him (we all miss people we have been in relationships with), she loved him more. Actions speak so much louder than words and she really treated me like crap in how she related to me in person in our final face to face. It was all about her. She never gave me a chance to say much if anything. It was just, respect it, it's my decision, there are plenty of other nice girls out there... you know the rest. The times I did try to say something, she would threaten to leave the conversation and that would be the last I would see of her.

 

I'm very confused, hurt and most of all, simply dying to be with her, hear her, hold her, help her. It's hellish. Every friend I know has had bad words to say about her, and how lucky and happy I should really be that she did this now before we got more serious and married ourselves (we had talked about it a lot, with her pushing it). I don’t feel any hate or ill will towards her. These same friends have told me to let it go, give up hope and to move on. I have not been able to do this. I simply love her. Before anyone tells me you can’t make someone love you, I felt in my heart she did have feelings for me.

 

She left her ex for a reason. I don't really know why, but she had mentioned wanting to end it with him for awhile. But the shrewd part of me wonders if it was simply because he wouldn't make a commitment and was really only after the whole sex without commitment deal. He knew she wanted to get married desperately but for whatever reason they never did. She would have married him I think had he made a commitment. I don’t know. She left him pretty sudden too, just like she did with me. The only thing is we never had any problems. She kept saying how much of a bad situation it was with him, how immature he was and how unhappy her life had become. She had even said she was so unhappy she had thought of suicide. Wow, that was scary but then again, thinking of it and actually trying to do it are worlds apart. She would tell me how much happier she was with me and friends could actually see that change in her. She really did seem happy and content.

 

I have had barley any contact with her whatsoever since we separated. I sent a few emails, for which she replied to one I think. I phoned her maybe 2 or 3 times, and she just had this icy cold demeanor about her, it was actually painful to hear here relate to me that way. She did send me another email saying she was sorry, she didn’t mean to hurt me, I had done nothing wrong and a few other things. But in her actions towards me, I never felt she was truly sorry. I just got this feeling she was doing it to get it over with and say “I’m sorry”. If she was truly sorry then she would have seen how much hurt and pain she had caused me, how much I wanted to find out why she left me, and so on. It hurt me more that she was so cold and callous towards me in her manner of ending our relationship, than it actually ending. Now though I care not for any of that. I simply miss her with every atom in my body.

 

So by the end of this week, she will be gone most likely from my life for eternity. There is nothing I can do. The pain is simply insane. I pray to God every second of every day I have been apart from her, that He will help me, He will allow her to come back into my life. I will not interfere with her plans for marriage to this other guy. Even though friends have told me the guy is just doing it to get her off his back about the whole marriage thing. Both them and myself are religious people and in our upbringing and faith, a wedding is not proper or real unless it is held before the eyes of God. So a quick wedding down at the court house would not be considered a proper wedding. So that’s what I mean when I say friends have a strong inclination the ex is simply doing this as a way to be married, but not really so.

 

They say if you love someone, set them free. If they return, it was meant to be. I’ve also heard that you fight for those you love and never give up. I’m the eternal optimist in the most savage of senses. I love this girl with all my heart despite what she had made me endure. I simply cannot let go of the thought we will be together someday. I don't think her marriage will last long, but then again, maybe it will.

 

I hope other souls out there can share some kind words to help me in this situation. This next week is going to be unlike any I have experience in my life.

[BannaBee57]

Sounds like she never stopped loving her ex. I guess there's not much you can do about that one. It does seem a bit odd that they are getting married so soon after getting back together. This woman does sound pretty insecure, like she needs to be in a relationship at all times. Probably good that you didn't get strapped with her neediness for the rest of your life.

 

I hope you pull through this next week ok. Do things that make you feel better...get a masage or something

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[Krying]

Hi Banna,

 

yes that is a possibility she never did stop loving her ex. However she left him cold and hard and had even told him she never loved him, and would never get back with him even if things didn't work out for me. I realize now obviously she may have been feeling that at the time she said it, but over time her true feelings come out. I also find it odd she is getting married so soon too. At first they were going to take it slow from what I've been told and get married in a few months. Then all of a sudden it's in a week. As to who is insecure, the guy is more than she is. I know him actually and was friends with him for many years. Now of course I am not so close.

 

He's never ever been able to make a commitment to any girl and just kind strings them along until they leave him. She did leave him last time though and I know she meant it. So at least she wasn't doing a jealousy thing to try to get him to commit. At least I hope she didn't. But I think she's confused while thinking in her mind she's got it all together and it's all perfectly worked out. But you're right, there isn't anything I can do about it now.

 

As far as her being needy or clingy, she was to some degree yes, but that didn't bother me. She's and Aries, I'm a Sag. I wasn't bothered by the things she threw at me. In fact it was one of the things I liked about her the most. Anyway, another day and I'm still feeling terrible.

[Krying]

Oh great. A family member told me the wedding is tomorrow. Wow it got bumped up again. Was going to be this weekend or something. I'm totally puzzled now. The suddenness to be formally married is really strange. Tonight's going to be a real rough night for me. The one I loved, the one I poured so much affection, attention, compassion, understanding and forgiving her for all the messed up things she had done, is really leaving me for good

[simon_uk]

Whoa! Seems to me like there is some kind of urgency to get married? I wonder why that would be?

 

It is more than likely that one of them, probably your ex is rushing things before any changing of minds can take place.

 

I dont wish unhappiness on anybody but I would hazard a guess that this marriage will not last very long at all.

 

You say your ex told the guy she didnt love him and would never get back with him when she initially left him. But, she has. She can turn hot or cold when it is necessary to satisfy her own selfish chld within.

 

She was also very cold to you, when she ended things with you. I know how awful this is, my ex was the same. Try not to take it personally, it is a defense mechanism because they know they have hurt you and are too immature to deal with your feelings, they cannot even deal with their own.

 

This woman has a lot of growing up to do. She thinks this marriage will finally give her the happiness that she craves but believe me, happiness comes from within and no external source can make you happy. The marriage and commitment may temporarily mask her insecurities and unhappiness but in time that will desolve and she will still be left feeling empty.

 

In the meantime, you need to concentrate on yourself. Try not to focus on her and what she is doing. Easier said than done I know. It is 10 weeks since my ex left me and last night I had a really tough time of things. Couldnt stop thinking about her. But it will do you no good.

 

If you love her, know that in your heart. Wish her well and wish her the happiness that she desperately seeks.

 

Try to disregard when your friends say about giving up hope. Never give up hope, just dont let it control your life.

 

Patience and perseverance are required. In time you will either be with her or be over her. But patience and perseverance is a must in either case.

[Krying]

Some nice words you've written there Simon. Yes it's strange she is getting married so quickly. It's puzzling. It's got nothing to do with pregnancies either that I know of. She had a false or possibly real pregnacy with her ex fairly soon before she left him. But it only lasted a week. She said she was never pregnant and was simply late. But the ex told me he honestly thought she was pregnant and she had all the symptons of someone who was. But that didn't spur them to get married then, so I doubt it's the reason for all the rush now. I definitely think she is the one pushing it though.

 

The reason it was a few months away I think was because the ex wanted to take it slow. I think this was not because she had left him, but that he didn't really know or want to make a commitment. He never had. Obviously she used her feminine charm to get her way. I think she's so attached to the idea of "marriage" now that nothing will stop her. She has lost a lot of respect from mutual friends over how she treated me. Most of them want nothing to do with her ever again. She was extremely selfish in how she handled it and it blew many, not just myself away. She basically distanced herself from just about everyone she knows after she left me. She simply didn't want to see or be reminded of how bad she had delt with things in calling it off.

 

I really cannot see this marriage going the distance. But it could last for many years too. You never know. But misery loves company and he's done a fantastic job of hammering it into her head that they both deserved worse and thus are pefect for one another. I was told through friends, the ex's mother not only wanted nothing to do with the wedding, but if she saw her, she would punch her in the face. She did screw over her ex in the same way she left me, but it was different in the sense that their relationship was a rocky one. We had no problems. I mean really, we didn't. She was always so thankful I had come into her life and she seemed really happy. She would say how her family didn't like her ex, felt it was only a fling and she'd grow out of it. With me, she would say how much better it was, more maturity and all that. It was probably all lies, but I think alot of it was true. It really appeared that she had come to her senses and tried to make a clean break with her life when with me. And everyone could see the positiveness and happiness she was exuding.

 

When we began our relationship, I had her promise me, she would never treat me how she treated her ex, as in the manner and suddeness that she left him. He is not blameless by any means (he messed with her just as bad), but she simply cannot or does not know how to end a relationship. She promised she would not do that to me. But she did it anyway. The old hot and cold thing going. Selfish behavior really. Act however you have to to achieve what you want regardless of how it makes people feel.

 

I still love her and honestly wish her well. A part of me does not want to see her even get married to this guy, but it's her life she's leading. I know in my heart it could have worked had she simply been honest, faced her fears and realizations that ok, I'm not over my ex, but I love this guy, I'm in a better place and am going to make it work. Time will reveal whether it was a wise choice or not. But at the moment, her actions are so erractic it's hard to say.

 

She's quite a few years older than her ex. It doesn't help that he is more insecure and immature than she is, and her actions are just strange to bizarre at present. I am feeling better as I type this. I guess the realization that it's out of my hands now has helped. Though if she does turn up at my doorstep tomorrow, I would not turn her away. I also wouldn't marry her at this point either.

[simon_uk]

Well it was the same thing for me Krying. My ex's last relationship was quite destructive and abusive. She ended things with him. She told me she would never treat me like that, that she would never hurt me and never leave me.

 

She told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to her but.....

 

She did leave me and she did treat me poorly whn she did. One day, she loved me and was looking forward to living with me, the next day she was gone and didnt want to speak to me again.

 

It is baffling behaviour but something I can not understand. She probably doesnt understand her own behaviour. It is out of my hands and as much as I would like to talk to her and try to set things right, it would do no good. She needs to come to her own conclusions.

 

Same with you, she may be making the biggest mistake of her life but you cannot point that out to her. She needs to discover it for herself. If and when she does, it may be too late.

 

Take Care

[julieg]

a few things possibly are going on:

 

1. in the back of her head she was hoping that the rebound relationship with you would somehow make the ex want her back eventually. especially when he learned that she hooked up so fast with you. sounds like she has a pattern of just leaving with no explaination. she is a poor communicator and also a bit passive aggressive.

 

2. she loves drama and chaos and does not have it with you. she is simply more comfortable in a relationship with lots of problems (maybe her parents had this situation or someone in her family)

 

3. she used you to not think about him. she hoped that you would eventually fill the void.

 

4. she is totally immature and has narcissistic personality traits to boot.

[Fun2BMe]

Why don't you hurry before it's too late and ask her to marry you instead right away? What have you got to lose? She obviously wants to get married ASAP and is going with the guy who will race her to the altar first. Don't take it personally. I too think she did love you and might come to regret having left you down the line. It must be a very hard time for you right now especially the thought of her with her ex and the marriage on top of it so soon after her leaving you. I hope you feel better soon.

[CosmoBella]

Your ex may have never lost feelings for the ex like others have commented before. I know that when you love someone soo much its hard to think with a clear mind and see some people aren't just right for you.

 

Try to do something for yourself the day she gets married, hang out with your friends try to do something that will make YOU feel better (I know its easier said than done, but we can at least try).

 

If you treated her so well and her ex made her life hell, there's a problem here with her. She may like the sh**ty kind of life. Do you want the same with her? Do you want to be treated the way she treated her ex?

 

Maybe her marriage wont last long but this is telling you a lot about your ex gf and how she is. Think long and hard how your life could end up if you were with her.

 

There's this post on here somewhere where it says to make a pros and cons list of your ex and see what was so good about the ex and you'll see the con list a lil longer maybe it will make you feel better.

 

Keep your head up! Time helps the heart heal.

Also LS helps too to vent when we need it.

[Krying]

Why don't you hurry before it's too late and ask her to marry you instead right away? What have you got to lose? She obviously wants to get married ASAP and is going with the guy who will race her to the altar first. Don't take it personally. I too think she did love you and might come to regret having left you down the line. It must be a very hard time for you right now especially the thought of her with her ex and the marriage on top of it so soon after her leaving you. I hope you feel better soon.

 

I had already committed to marrying her and we were going through the process of actually working out the details. So she knew my desire to marry her was genuine. So me doing the last minute marry me instead thing won't make any difference. Her mind is made up and that won't change until such a time is she is miserable again. I don't think she is going with the guy that will marry her first, but rather the one she actually thinks will make her happy in her life. This is the guy who would never commit to her, wanted to keep his options open and had told friends there might be better options out there for him. After she left him, he was trying to hook up with someone he knew who he kinda had a relationship with in the past. She was actually kinda into it I heard, but it didn't progress very far. So much for sticking around for the person he is marrying now. Heck that's prob what triggered my ex to leave me. Jealousy and the fear she would lose him for good.

 

It didn't help things that they work together and she is his boss. Eeek, I know you say. It troubled me greatly too, but for quite awhile she removed herself from that role and someone else was his boss. Eventually they got fed up with his manner and told my ex she had to deal with him again or they would quit.

 

I'm actually feeling good today. There is nothing I can do to change the situation and that is that. I love her still and hope she finds the happiness she is searching for. But I cannot promise you all I would not consider taking her back in the future if for some reason I am still single and her marriage bombed. I care for her so much, that in essence I would be prepared to put my hand in the fire again to try and make it work. Stupidity, faith, or maybe you decide lol.

[Krying]

The plot thickens. Word reached me today that my ex is pregnant already. I guess that explains the rather quick wedding, and him overcoming his reluctance to ever commit to her. Not that it matters now, but I sure hope it didn't happen when she was with me. I was just starting to feel a lot better about this whole situation too. Hearing this hurts. I doubt it was a "mistake" either. One of them wanted this to happen to cement their rekindled relationship I think. You know, get pregnant so he won't leave you etc. Good luck to them. This is good news in way, as that means 100% that relationship is done with, over and will never be considered again.

[Fun2BMe]

That's what I was thinking, that she might've been pregnant. Chances are it happened while you were still together. Maybe you're the father? I'd get a praternity test just in case unless you were using protection. At least now you can move on as hurtful as it is.

[Krying]

There's no chance I'm the father, 100% no chance. Due to the drama from her previous relationship and her false or failed pregnancy, we took the slow approach to our physical intimacy. It's not like we didn't want to have sex. We both wanted it nonstop, but being religious, it was a perfect time to act in a pleasing manner and try a no sex before marriage situation, at least for the first 6 months or so. I kept my end of the bargain, but I have to wonder if she was cheating with her ex when with me. It really doesn't matter now anyway. It's either the best or worst decision they have made.

 

I was already a lot further along on the road to recovery before hearing this today. It hurt to hear it, but only from the angle we would never be together again. I had not put out of mind the consideration that if her marriage ended in flames, I would give her another chance. But not with his child. There would never be separation from him even if she left him due to the child.

 

The marriage should have stopped my small but still present hope that we would still end up together. The pregnancy certainly finished off the rest. I guess you can say I'm cured!

[Fun2BMe]

I guess you can say I'm cured!

 

If you feel cured then it is a good thing she is pregnant if that's what it was going to take. In case of a miscarriage or something else, I wouldn't want you to start hoping on having her again seeing that maybe now you realize she's not right for you. I have a feeling she was cheating with the ex during your 6 month abstinencce and you were the only one practicing it.

[Krying]

Yes Fun, the thought did occur to me she was cheating, but my gut instinct tells me no. At least for the beginning of our relationship I feel she wasn't. I saw her ex a few times and he was truly miserable. This guy wears his feelings on his sleeve and is not mature emotionally for his age. If he was getting some action it would have been obvious. When she left me, I also saw him in passing that weekend, and he was very jolly and happy. A few friends also commented and wondered why he was in a happy mood. Clearly we all know why. But for the most part when she was with me, he was totally miserable.

 

Each day that goes by my feelings for her decline. They will not ever be the same for her. Miscarriage or not, I don't see her ever being a part of my life at anytime. Friends, relationship wise, nothing. I still care for her and love her, but once these feelings have left me, I plan on keeping it that way.